Last real run through

Notes: more, more, more, more, more. Grow it to release the lifetime of repression, because I don't have to keep the secret anymore. I don't think I've ever gone to that level of energy before, I hope I can figure out how to let go enough to let that happen. I don't currently know how...got five days to figure it out. And yeah, as an actor, that will be a fun place to go, if I can get there. He says I need to not think about it, but I don't know how to let go, I had a hard time going to seven in clown, but trying then is certainly helpful now. If only I felt raging lust...I feel nothing today. To quote my sister, "That's why they call it acting." Yeah, I guess so.  Cheers. Lot, lot, lotta work to do on the monologue, too. I'm trying to remember it's not me, it's the character, and she would. Doesn't matter what the actress would do.

I can do this. Yes.

Friday

Finally told my boss about getting into the Meisner Intensive. She said she didn't see a problem with my leaving early for the duration of the program. That's a relief to finally get it off my chest, though I didn't really think it would be an issue, I just have an irrational fear of asking for things.

I forced myself to call my landlord as well regarding the sink (leaking), the bathtub (doesn't drain) and the basement flooding. Hopefully, he actually does send someone over. He said he would. (The plumbing for the sink should probably be replaced, has been an issue for a long time.) And made a payment on my medical bills...now I can go into vacation without all this hanging over my head.

The rain must've missed the Fill, was expecting it to be a mucky mess, but it was very dry. The dust made me think of the idea of "brushing the dust off of your feet."  Earlier this summer I heard someone explain that as leaving a situation/place without any baggage. In other words, wiping off any hard feelings or resentments and moving onto the next place without carrying all or any of that with you. Had never thought about it that way before, and it might be easier said than done, but I like it. Just. Letting. Everything. Go.

Heavy, heavy rain

The weather gages are saying less than an inch of rain, but I don't think those are right. It dumped for a good half hour or more. It started to rain when I left work at 5 pm, as usual. I was walking slowly, enjoying the sound of the rain hitting the leaves. After a few minutes, I saw lightning, ten seconds 'til the thunder, is that ten miles? I ducked into a restaurant nearby and then it just started dumping. The rain cut off the satellite service to the restaurant and then shortly thereafter, water started dripping from the ceiling. I pointed it out and the manager commented that he didn't understand the concept of flat roofs in a place that rains so much. Good point. It was a river outside, even after the rain stopped.

I knew it would flood the basement at home. I got home about an hour ago, and have since bailed out the drain, and cleaned the mud out, and then just got finished wiping up the floor. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it's annoying that it's the third or fourth time this year. They had all summer to fix the gutters, but they haven't. Thankfully, neither the front porch nor the kitchen ceilings leaked. (But those are both from the gutters backing up.) It's still really humid, so the floor is not drying.

Ick. I need to take a shower now, and then work on the monologue. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's what I'm going with, so I've gotta make it work.

Thursday, just one more rehearsal

Falling rain and yellow leaves. It's as if a switch flipped and suddenly I see arms of red and yellow among the mostly green trees. The bus swirls the leaves slowly as it passes by, raking them into neat lines of brown and gold. It was almost 70 degrees and 91% humidity when I woke up around 5 am. It's been humid a lot this summer, in spite of very little rain. What, are we becoming sub-tropical? Maybe we can start growing bananas...There's a sprinkler running and it just started to pour. I opened my window because I like the sound.  It's so quiet today, that's the only sound I hear.

We get so few notes after each run-thru that I asked the director if he's tired by the time we do our scene (the earlier scenes seem to get the most notes.) He said he only gives notes he thinks are necessary. I wasn't trying to be an ass, but I need some feedback. I don't want to suck, and I've had a couple experiences with other instructors where there was so little feedback (okay, one of them gave me zilch), and I knew we needed it...I don't want to be so bad that there's nothing they can say to improve it. I don't think he does that, but I want the feedback if it's needed (or even to just hear that it's good), I want to get better. I have no idea what the scene looks like. I asked if we could run our last half on Saturday (which we will do, that was one of our notes), we need to go bigger with it. It's a long scene, I don't want to be dead weight when she is talking. And I'd like it to be more than, "oh, those two chicks just kissed on stage." We do now, however, have the overlapping dialogue working. So, yea! to that. (All of this is my own insecurities, of course. Maybe I'll ask the stage manager, she can see from the front-if I seem like dead weight, everyone else is behind us. But, you know, it's helpful to hear if you are doing good, too. I can't base my progress on the subjective idea of how I feel.) The last three scenes in the second act just haven't been worked much, and we all have fewer notes than the first act scenes, which have been worked at almost every rehearsal since we started. I know that he knows what he's doing, but most of us have not worked on a full show before, so we don't always know what we're doing, and it is a class. (Someone else commented that they wanted more input as well, because it's a class, and we should be learning from it. Which is a fair observation: we did pay tuition. And since there will also be an audience, you want to give your best.) I don't mean to bitch, I just want to get the most out of the experience as possible.  I want to continue to improve; it's why I'm studying. And I don't know where I stand right now.

Darn! Someone just asked me my shoe size because they are cleaning out their closet...wrong size. (I could use new shoes.)

Ooh, forecast is for the possibility of 1-2" of rain today. Maybe it will put out the forest fires.

I found a second typo in my application (after re-sending for a different one.) I mentioned it to someone and she said no one would really care. (I forgot to include a verb.) This is very different from what you hear for job applications where your resume/letter would just get tossed for a typo (even if you were the best fit.)

It's now the type of rain that seems it should include some thunder.  It was sunny about 20 minutes ago.

Wednesday morning

My brain is parched and barren. The few, dry seeds rattling under the surface lie dormant. They are someone else's words waiting to grow and speak through me. Waiting for the right moment to flourish. Waiting for rain.

For better or worse, application has been sent. A bit of a relief to have it done.

While walking back home

Just a thought. Maybe it would be nice if we took enough interest in other people that we could ask them about themselves when they make the effort to ask us about ourselves. Sometimes we try so hard to get someone to like us that we forget to get to know anything about them to see if they are someone we even want to know. You can know a lot about a person, while they know next to nothing about you. They never bother to ask. (Or visa-versa, it's sounds awkward to reword it. "You" isn't anyone in particular.) Getting to know someone is a partner dance, not a solo performance.

Crap. Our alarms have been going off/on for the past hour. Someone, who is not home, and who's door is locked, needs to change a battery, so we can't do anything about it. And someone else tried taking their own battery out, and now that's broken, so it's the incessant "battery needs changing" beeping. I'd go sleep in the living room, where there isn't an alarm, but I suspect there are ants. It's 4 am.

Disjunct and writer's block

Apologies for my lack of coherence. The sky spat a smattering rain this morning, and I ran into my boss at the grocery store, who then drove me to work. It's raining more productively now, and I walked the full way home. I'm glad for the rain: my garden needs watering, and I don't have the time to go tonight. I turned a corner and there were snails everywhere, turned another and they were gone. Just the one street. I have my window open, and I'm wearing shorts now because my jeans are in the dryer. I'm actually cold.

Friday is now sold out as well. Yea!...I think.

I have writer's block.

The application is due Wednesday. What I've written for the application has been typed; it's not particularly coherent. I have plenty of editing to do. It would help to print it out. I can't even remember what the question was. I do have it, just not looking at it. This post isn't coherent either. Oh, geez. I don't want to do anything. Maybe I should go for a walk; taking a nap would be counter productive. At least my laundry is done.

My housemate might have been exposed to the measles. I hope not. I do not want to get sick right now. I want to do this show. I've been vaccinated, but that was a long time ago, how long is it good for?  Think I will go for a walk...am thinking too much about food to actually write. I don't even know that I'm hungry, it's more the distraction of knowing that I should eat at some point tonight. It's also the pressure of having to write something that needs to sound intelligent. I am intelligent, I'm just not particularly good at communicating that. My thoughts are diffuse, like ambient, unfocused light. Even more so now, because of the pressure of this. I'm gonna make this training work either way, but it would give me breathing space to get the scholarship. Eventually, this will support two students for the full program, but not this year. This year there's only one. I imagine we all have merit. (And most of us probably also have the need.) And at any rate, this writing, selling myself to a panel, auditioning, etc., is good practice even if I am rebelling right now. I think I need to walk away for a while (from the computer and from the house.)

Is it good or bad that we only had a few notes last night? Did it go alright, or was he just tired by that point?

Sunday, run-thru

Woke up at 5:30 am to hear the puzzle on NPR (which I had somehow forgotten about how much I enjoy.) Fell back asleep and in a dream, I was with a bunch of people staying at a house, there were also other guests there (like at a bed and breakfast) that we were helping. They wanted a bunch of orchid plants for something, and I was running around looking to see if there were any in the house. Then we were sitting around in a living room and suddenly I had a mouthful of ground glass, and I couldn't figure out how to get it out, I was trying to rinse it out with water, but there just kept being more, and it was sticking in my mouth. Obviously, I couldn't swallow it, and I was getting really thirsty. I thought slippery elm or aloe would help, but since I was at someone else's house, I didn't think there would be any there. Then I realized I was kinda' near my dentist's office and I thought I could get there and they could use the water and suction thing to get it out. I didn't seem to want to tell anyone. I woke up before it got solved. Had to convince myself that there was no way I actually had ground-up glass in my mouth. There was also something about film development in the dream, I was picking up film from a lab, but they had cut it up and it wasn't dry, and I was wondering if I actually had to pay them for it.

Rehearsal went better today, guess it just needs to keep being run. We got through the whole run, with transitions. I felt better about it, he didn't have unexpected notes to give us, my energy was up on the exit, but can go higher, I'm swallowing a couple of lines that need to be heard, etc. Since it's last, I kept getting more and more nervous about it not being ready, but the only way it's gonna be ready is to run it. Saturday night is sold out. It's a small venue, but it's still nice. Got my monologue under one minute, but have lots of work to do on it. No rehearsal tomorrow, so it's really work on that, submit the application and do laundry. Feeling okay.

Early evening

Is the week over? Oh, well. Actually, ended up getting to concert early because I managed to catch an earlier bus to Bellevue. I lived there for two years, over 20 years ago. Places sound familiar, but I don't recognize anything, except the major landmarks that haven't changed. I had a car then, too. I drove a lot, knew my way around. It's pretty: very verdant, lots of trees. I thought about how many more options you have for places to live when you have a car.

The songs went okay. We had the accompanist today.  I told him later about how I feel his playing elevates the music and how I sometimes listen to the CD from Finland to hear he and the accordian player together. Finally put my money where my mouth is, even if it is gushy. He was gracious. Besides it's all true, I enjoy listening to him play. Had to run off, right after that. Managed to figure out where the bus stop was, it was pretty fast. Made it to rehearsal on time. We barely got through our scene once in that hour. At least we talked about transitions and were in agreement about things. I had my lines down more or less, but that was my worse run-through. I just am not connecting what I want with the words, and it's like I'm just reading them, and not in a particularly interesting or believable way. This is why I'm taking acting classes. I hope I improve before the show. It's bad.

I finally committed to a monologue. Now I'm cutting it. I tried to time it using a clock with a second hand. I think it's two minutes, three minutes wouldn't make sense. My nose is stuffed and so I read this bad, too. I'm not a good cold reader, thankfully, I don't think we will have to do that for the audition. I'm crossing my fingers. It's weird, I can cold read poetry ususally, but not text. I want to include an emotional transition. I need to do it for the play, so it will be good practice. I think I know where I need to start that now. We were playing the ending pretty subdued and then I was suddenly supposed to exit excited, but it needs to start earlier, it doesn't make sense to just suddenly be there. It needs to build. I'm liberated a page or so earlier and it needs transition from there. Also, the director told me I need to soften my face, but I don't think my face softens. I even tried thinking of cute babies and puppies while watching my face in the mirror...all I can think to do is to hold my face more tense earlier and then let it go "normal."

On the bus coming home, the air-conditioning was blasting, and my stomach felt like a fist because I hadn't eaten all day, and all I could think about was that I wanted to get off of the bus. We got stuck in traffic because a wire on one of the bridges had to be repaired. I almost got off and walked, but I was carrying my bag of winter clothes, my book of music, my performance clothes and shoes, and a full bottle of water. It was cumbersome. It would have been a long walk. I just put on a long-john shirt even though it was almost 80 degrees outside. I still have it on. And when I finally ate, I ate too much, too fast. Now I just want to nap. More work on this monologue first. Sorry, I lied about one post per day. (Everytime I audibly sigh, on purpose, I hear George laughing in my head, in a high-pitched, nervous, maniacal way.)

Let the madness begin

20 hours of rehearsal this week, plus working full time, plus the application for the scholarship is due, and I need to work on the monologue...I'll be glad when the audition and the show are over. There doesn't seem to be enough time, but it'll all work out, I suppose. At least I have my lines down...although I always think I do until I'm standing and trying to move at the same time. I have them down when I am sitting. Funny how that changes. It's mostly just the one page with the overlapping dialogue I have trouble with. Most of the characters have repeating dialogue, with maybe just one word or the number of times words are repeated each time changing. We haven't rehearsed it together enough. Crud. Once again I am sick. Wonder what that's all about?  Maybe I should stop drinking that juice with chia seeds. Will make for a fun bus ride. I should probably pack my props and performance clothes now.

Hacked back a blackberry bush last night, the yard waste bin is full. There were ants on the plants, and when I went to the grocery store later, I picked an ant off of my neck while I was talking to one of the food prep guys. It was probably the only one, but for the rest of the evening I felt like I had bugs crawling on me. I still feel like I have bugs crawling on me.

I need to check the bus schedule. I turned down a ride to the concert because it was really early, but I wonder if riding the bus will give me enough time to change and warm up vocally? I don't want to wear this dress on the bus.

Here's a picture of the western sky last night. Lots of interesting clouds. That one cloud in the middle first reminded me of a dove and then a dragon. There's a sun dog, too. Time to go.

Western Sky/L. Herlevi 2013