Cheers

It's January 1rst, 2013 and I am dry for the month.  Ate too much last night.  It was tapas, and all very good.  My favorite thing was this sliced, sour apple with honey-lemon-cream cheese and pomegranate seeds, really worked together.  Not Spanish per se, she just had a pomegranate she needed to use.  I was gonna leave earlier, but I don't like waiting for a bus there, and asked a friend to drive me home, so we stayed until 1 am.

Less than five days 'til it all starts up again.  It feels like months since I've seen everyone.  It feels like more than a week since I've been at work.  I did check email, I know I'll have to hit the ground running tomorrow, but one more day off until then.  Back to "Lord of the Rings" and black-eyed peas (for luck.)

Happy New Year!

Fennel and light/L Herlevi 2014

Clearing out heart space

No luck giving the records back before the New Year starts.  Did cleaning and recycled a bunch of stuff, so that's something.  Waiting for the next bus to a party at a friend's house, so I'll write.  (It starts at 7 running 'til whenever, I believe several years ago we all started to fall asleep before midnight.)

So this ex, somehow feel there's more I need to let go of, since he shows up in my life more than most people I know do.  We dated in college, met in theatre.  At the time I probably loved him more than I've loved anybody (as much as that was possible.)  He was very light, I was very heavy (he's a Sag, I'm a Capricorn, and I was going through some heavy shit at the time on top of that.  I was a big ball of exposed nerve endings.)  He made my life a lot more fun, I possibly gave his more weight (he's not superficial, but it is what it is.)  He was romantic in a strange way that worked for me (probably more than anyone I've ever known, weird, goofy gestures; person who left phone message earlier actually comes a very close second.  Not hugely important, but it was nice.  It's sweet, and it shows that the other person is paying attention.  It doesn't replace substance, but I do like it.)  Said something that destroyed me when we broke up, though I now suspect it wasn't entirely true.  We were like oil and water; we never really fought, that I can remember.  I wish him every good thing that could come into his life.  (Please come take your records!)

Phone message.  Good guy, like hanging out with him.  Find myself telling him things I wouldn't think I'd tell anyone.  But, elephants, elephants, elephants in the room.

Person I've imagined I'm in love with.  He made me see myself in a different way, and that's a huge thing.  It changed my life.  But maybe that's all it is...maybe I mistook my own gratitude for love.

Anyway, goodbye to all of that.  I think all of that energy's been stuck for me, and I want to clear it out and start a new year with new space in my life for new energy to blow through.

Happy New Year! Cheers!

Awful photo

Ugh.  I look almost the same as my previous picture, only more criminally insane, if possible.  Six years, I was wrong on that.  Crowded, too: a small room packed full of Capricorns.  They were on 290 when I walked in, I got 342.  I think I waited an hour, looking at the pictures on the screen of state parks, thinking about where I'd like to visit.  I even went and looked in a mirror before my number was called, did not help.  It's a relatively long wait between when they tell you to look at the blue button and when the flash goes off, plenty of time to do something goofy with your expression.  The employees are extremely pleasant, however.

I'm sorting through records now, I know all the punk, garage, new wave, local, and brit pop are mine, and the Queen, Beatles, Pink Floyd, Dave Brubeck :( are his (I really like Dave Brubeck.)  There's a Bowie, Kinks, Joni Mitchell, and Endless Summer that could go either way, I have no recollection of buying them, but not out of the question.  I'm not particularly attached to them, though I think I might have gotten them at a garage sale.  Might just give them to him, just 'cos I don't want anything of his, and he apparently has a working turn table.  I do not (just have a whole lotta' vinyl.)

The heater is blowing out cold air.  Been gloomy, cars had their headlights burning all day.  Damp and chilly, not cold enough for snow.  Checked my phone messages today, had one from the solstice from someone I sorta' dated earlier in the year (been months since we talked.)  Would help if I answered the phone once-in-a while (but it's a lot of end of the year asking for money calls, and they always make me feel guilty, and I'm really broke-tuition, driver's license, holidays, rent.  Half of my email every day are solicitations as well.)  Or if he ever left his phone number.  Not really sure what happened, or what was happening.  Oh, well...we're probably still friends.

The clearing out is overwhelming me.  Time for a hot chocolate break.  (A gift from a co-worker: hot chocolate on a stick, she made marshmallows, too.)  It'll taste good, and I'll own one less thing.

Monday

Finally got around to watching the movie version of "Frankie and Johnny," I like the play better, but at least he kept in most of the dialogue.  (Playwright wrote the screenplay as well.)  And it's interesting how he changed when various parts of dialogue were said, but spacing it out over so much time takes out the immediacy of it (the play takes place on one night, in the movie over weeks, it seems, more realistic, but not as urgent.  But you know, doing well by the "show don't tell" edict.)  And I like how Michelle Pfeiffer plays Frankie, the bravado, the aching loneliness, unhappiness, the fear.  How you can want something right now, but not the next step, up against the everything right now of Johnny who let things go before and doesn't want to anymore.  It's different enough from the stage play that it doesn't really affect how I think about the script (for performance/monologue purposes.) In general, I don't like to watch the screen adaptations of plays.  I need to get ahold of a script again (only one in the whole library system) I'll probably have to buy it.

Advice for the day (to me), "Stop saying yes to what you don't want to do." (The only one keeping you trapped is you...just writing it down so I can remember it.  It's actually for Aquarius, but I need to be reminded of it, and it's my rising sign...talk about conflicted.  It matters because I have a sense of responsibility on steroids, and say 'yes' to everything to the point where I'll spend all of my energy on everyone else except for me.  Not healthy.)

Need to go renew my driver's license.  Times like these I wish I wore make-up, my skin is splotchy, and I want a new picture because my old one is awful.  The offices downtown don't have any mirrors, you pretty much walk in and they say, "Stand over there and smile."  No time to prepare yourself to look halfway decent.  (I kinda' like the picture on my bus pass.  The first one was horrible, but they let me take a second.)  Sometimes I think I might look better in the DL pic if I tried to look worse.  Last time I renewed my passport I retook the pictures several times...you have to live with that one for ten years, at least the driver's license is only four.

Two days left to get all of this cleaning done, or at least make a dent in it.  I like to start the new year with a clean slate, part of that is space.  Maybe I'll start with the records.  Cheers.

Sunday, walking home

Walking up the hill on my way home after stopping to watch the last quarter of the Seahawks game, I see flashing lights from 3 blocks down, see traffic being diverted, realize it's in front of my house and start running the last couple of blocks.  Cops everywhere.  There's a crash in our yard again (at least third one in recent memory.)  Apparently, someone rammed a cop, cop car in the yard, had to be towed sideways to get off of the sidewalk, other car much more totalled, front end smashed to the tires.  No ambulances, but I don't know how long ago it happened.  Outside my window I can hear the constant whistle of traffic being re-routed around.  Lucky that they didn't knock over the power pole.  No one seemed particularly tense as I made my way through the scene (which I had to do to get to the door), so hopefully, no major injuries.

Anything else I was going to write about now seems trivial.  Spent the day at the Frye, looking at the Franz von Stuck exhibit, not sure how I feel about it.  After viewing it once, there was a guided tour announced, so I went back through.  They encourage audience participation, so it was interesting to get what other people saw in it.  He was influenced by Freud, Darwin and Nietzsche and used a lot of symbolism: from mythology, fantasy, and the Bible.  The wall tags comment that Darwin's influence was in the paintings of the men fighting over the woman...and I'm curious about his views of women.  While his wife, Mary, might have been a co-creator and sometimes a muse, women seem to wield a strange power, and men the helpless fools.  In a depiction of Adam and Ev(a), Adam is depicted in the classical Greek form, while Eva is a sensuous seductress, with the snake entwined around her and offering up the apple in it's mouth to Adam.  As if they are co-conspirators to corrupt man (Adam.)  That motif with woman/snake appears elsewhere in his work. Maybe it's Freudian.

The cops stayed long after the cars were cleared.  I heard shouting and went up to see what was going on, and then my roommate's brother was knocking on the door, so I let him in and we tried to figure out what was going on. (He was hoping their car had been hit, so he could total it, no such luck.  Actually, there's very little damage to the wall, and not much debris in the street.)

Earlier today I found out a woman I knew from when she was a kid, and also more recently from a theatre class, had just walked the Camino this past autumn.  She walked from St. Jean to Finisterre.  Neither one of us made it to Muxia.  The Virgen de la Barca church (it's at the end of the movie, The Way) was struck by lightening on Christmas and burned down.  At the time I was there I didn't feel like walking the last 33 kms to get there and figured it would always be there and I could come back...it's nice when there are second chances, but if there's something you've been dreaming of doing, you know, I hate to quote Nike, but "Just do it."  We live from day to day, who knows if there will be a tomorrow?  Second chances are certainly a gift, but you don't always get them.  Peace.

Friday, vacation

I'll make a list after I do something today, just so I can check something off.  But then again, I am on vacation.  Slept most of the day, got up late, and then went to drop off some dvd's at the library and got some mexican food on the way home which made me sick, so when I got back home, I curled up in the fetal position until I felt better.  I'm not sure what it is, it's something that some restaurants put in the rice, and some don't.  I forget which ones do it, usually makes me feel sick immediately after eating it though, lasts for a couple of hours.

Did laundry, cooked and cleaned out the bath tub, but didn't get around to looking for the records...woulda' been the easiest thing to do. I don't have his contact info anyway, will have to wait until we run into each other again, happens every two-to-three weeks.  I know what street he lives on, but I'm not gonna go knocking on doors, even if I am rather ready to give the records back (to let go of my past.)

I was watching Bill Moyers earlier while I was cooking, the first half of the show he was talking to Thomas Cahill about Pope Francis and how much reform he thought could get done.  Cahill said something to the effect that to make major changes (such as with women) Francis would need more backing than he has.  Cahill also mentioned that his personal belief is in the teachings of the Beatitudes (blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek, etc) and not in any one denomination.  And then my favorite thing he said was something to the effect that there are really only two choices in life: to be kind or to be cruel.  Which will you choose? 

The remainder of the hour was with the poet Philip Levine and his poetry of Detroit.  He was disarming, I'll have to go look for his books.  I liked his poetry.  The interview also reminded me of the importance and necessity of art in our lives.  Reinforcing for me that what I'm pursuing is not frivolous, even if those thoughts kept me from pursuing it earlier.  I've pushed those voices further away, but it's nice to hear the validation.  Maybe I wasn't ready to do it before (I tried in my early 20's, but stopped for the next 20 years until recently.)  Perhaps this is the right time...at any rate, it's the time.  "Athletes of the _ heart."

Long term things I want to accomplish this year: to be making art as well as observing it.

Thursday and home again

So, Christmas eve was a strange day, everything took longer than I expected, but the delays allowed other things to happen: the thing with the ex, chasing down the garbage truck, etc.  Finally left town around 7:30.  Fog thick, temperatures dropping, thoughts of freezing fog.  It dropped five degrees between Everett and Marysville.  I stop in Marysville, a passenger train passes, rumbling northward.  I get back on the freeway, fog glowing a sulphur yellow, headlights slashing through it.  At 8 I switch the radio to listen to the broadcast of the NW Boys Choir's Lessons and Carols from the night before.  I take a back road in Mt. Vernon and am stopped again for the same train pulling into the station.  Turn toward Whidbey, fog thickens, try to follow the car in front of me, but it speeds beyond my ability to see it, fumble my way over the dark, winding, foggy roads.  As I near Deception Pass, the last song in the concert comes on "Oh, Holy Night" fog still thick, then, as the first verse ends I hit the bridge deck and the fog dissipates revealing stars so brilliant, and in such a multitude it takes my breath away.  It's true there is neither a moon nor light pollution from a city, but they feel so vibrant and close.  I don't remember the last time I saw the sky and the stars so clear.

The next evening, I drive my sister back to Bellingham, just after sunset.  I don't like certain sections of the freeways, and have my pocketful of go-arounds.  I take a backroad at the last minute, hoping I can remember the route, I don't know that I've driven it at night before.  (If there's a back road, I'll probably take it.)  Memory kicks in, places and turn offs look familiar.  We pass through Edison: shut down, silent, but totally lit up with Christmas lights.  Magical.  Not a soul around.  I take the wrong exit on the way back, have to get back on the freeway and find the right one.  I timed it this time, slightly over 20 minutes for the detour...I don't know how long the freeway route is, but the detour is prettier, even at night, and I'm not in a hurry.

Spent remainder of my afternoon at home watching a show on mermaids and then on Megalodon...goal for vacation is to clear out my space of things I don't need before the New Year.  Present seems like a good time to start.

Odd

I just had the funniest thing happen.  I've decided to purge any ties I have with old boyfriends so that they don't affect my ability to meet anyone new and have a healthy relationship.  (In came up originally because of the Meisner task where I came across as conflicted about a different boyfriend, and then a friend said she didn't think he actually sounded like a "good guy," and you know, that's probably true, I've considered him a friend, but why? He disappeared for 3 months and the next time I saw him he told me he was engaged.)  The first one I did that with was the one I keep running into.  There aren't any hard feelings, I just want to release the past with him, if we are friends going into the future on it's own merit, fine.  Anyway, I go to Bartell's to print out some calendars, but I copied the files to my computer instead of the memory stick, so I got in line to pay for the other stuff I had, with the plan of coming back.  There's some mix-up with the register and suddenly ex and his daughter are standing in front of me looking at me.  He introduces me to his youngest daughter as his college girlfriend (which is funny to me, he coulda' said friend, it was 25 years ago.)  Anyway, then he says he has an odd question, and asks me if I still had any of his albums.  I mentioned having Queen and a couple Beatles albums, honestly, I gave almost all of them away to random people.  He said he'd like them back if I didn't mind, I don't.  I was thinking of keeping The White Album, but then decided I would return all of them, I mean, why keep them if I'm trying to purge a memory?  I'd actually forgotten I'd had them.

When he walked off to the next register, the woman behind said that was pretty awkward.  Maybe...I'd actually wanted to meet her, she seemed like someone I'd like to be friends with.

The Universe answers things in interesting ways...do I mean it?  Yes, I guess I do.

Christmas Eve morning

For those who celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas.  For everyone, may you spend your days in the company of people you love and who love you, and feel your full worth simply because you are.

This is a Christmas hymn I particularly like- "Awake, Awake, and Greet the New Morn"- Marty Haugen

Awake! awake, and greet the new morn,

an angel heralds its dawning,
sing out your joy, for Christ will be born,
God's gift, this Child of our longing.
Christ comes as a baby weak and poor,
to bring all hearts together,
to open wide the heavenly door,
and live here inside us forever. 

To everyone who sorrows or fears,

Emmanuel comes asinging;
the humble song is quiet and clear,
but fills the earth with its ringing.
Music to heal the broken soul
and hymns of loving kindness,
the thunder of the anthems roll
to shatter all hate and injustice.

In deepest night Christ's coming shall be,

when all the world is despairing.
Where people long to love and be free,
Christ comes to speak of God's caring.
A soul without voice breaks forth in song,
a lame one leaps in wonder,
the weak are raised above the strong,
and weapons are broken asunder.

Rejoice, rejoice, take heart in the night,

though winds blow wildly and cheerless,
the rising sun shall crown you with light,
be strong and loving and fearless.
Love be our song and love our prayer,
and love, our endless story,
may God fill every day we share,
and bring us at last into glory.

Music: Rejoice, Rejoice Marty Haugen (20th C)

Words: Marty Haugen (20th C)
Sequence: Cathouse Pandemonium, Ltd.

The day before the night before

Happy day before the day before Christmas!

I read a post regarding aging well yesterday.  It reminded me of that question that floats around, "If you didn't know your age, how old would you be?"  It also reminded me that for some reason, I spent half the year thinking I was older than I actually am.  The man that annoyed me by calling me by my formal name, told me how old I was.  Not sure why I added the year, I was kinda' relieved to figure out I was younger than I was thinking.  It'll be true soon enough, my birthday is in three weeks.

I feel sorta' old when I realize that all of my college friends are now in their forties, my ex-boyfriend (from when we were 21, he's a month older than me) has a daughter that is in her second or third year of college, and my former bosses' little girls who ran around the Christmas parties in fairy wings are also college age now.  Or when I get asked out by 20-somethings (can't go there.)  Other than that, I don't think about it all that much.  I think acting-wise, I'm more likely to get cast on the younger end of the spectrum than my actual age (I'm going with mid-20's to mid-40's.)

Also, a friend commented that she liked my skirt, and I mentioned I wished it were shorter, by about two inches.  When I bought it, I thought maybe I could have it altered, but that turned out to be too complicated, so I roll the waist-band like a catholic school girl.  It's funny, the older I get, the shorter I want my skirts, I had unfortunate body issues when I was younger, dressed like a boy or in baggy clothes.  Guess I'm reliving that now...is that my mid-life crisis?

Here's a couple of snow pictures.

Pathway/L. Herlevi 2013

Tree with snow/L. Herlevi 2013