Finally sold off the books just to not have them. Waiting for someone to come buy the chair. All morning Spot was cawing at me, sitting on the eave and watching me wash stuff in the kitchen sink. I tried to feed him, but he didn't seem to want that. Kinda' like me, I've barely been able to force down one meal a day for the past few weeks...can't eat when I'm stressed out (I believe that is the only time I can't eat) and I've been stressed out for long while. Been running on caffeine. It'll be good to know I'm out of here at midnight.
Back to packing. And to figure out a script for tomorrow.
Hmmm. Maybe I should just do one thing at a time and finish it; I'm driving myself nuts thinking about everything that needs to get done..most important is to get out of here.
I am way more ruthless in getting rid of stuff than I ever have been before...why did I keep all of this?
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Lot to get done
Oh, god, this is going to take longer than I'd planned. I rented an SUV this morning, they let me have it for the price of a car, and have only managed to make one trip. There isn't any street parking, so I had to block an alley. It's gonna take a while. Have barely made a dent. I guess two of the bookshelves are mostly empty. A couple of people have offered to help tomorrow. I don't know what I'm gonna do with the cabinet. Maybe I'll just list it for free and leave it in the yard. Between the sheer amount of work in class, the concerts two weekends in a row and moving, I feel like I'm just about to drown. I keep thinking that I'm done with something, but something else needs to be done. There's never time to breathe.
Spot follows me from the car to the house to the car to the house. I'm not moving that far away, in the same zip code, I suppose a crow could figure it out. Makes me kinda' sad. I really like the crow visits: it's not that there aren't other crows, it's just this one is an individual that has bonded with me. There was one at the bus stop, too. And while I waited, a man walked up, walked behind the shelter, then in front of where I was and then back the way he came and disappeared. Odd.
We still haven't figured out what scene (or with whom) we are doing, just four of us now (a different four.) I never actually said I wouldn't do "F and J" only that I had worked on the play last year, earlier section, and it would be nice to work on something different. I like it. Now she said that I can look at "Proof" with another woman, or "the Woolgatherer." We have class again on Thursday and have to have decided by then.
I've had a tightness somewhere between my heart and my solar plexus all day (or perhaps all month), it has released a little now that I know I actually have a key to the room. I tried to eat earlier but really couldn't...for whatever reason, moving causes me more stress than any other "life event." The next closest is being in a (verbal) fight or breaking up with someone. It will be what it will be, but I hope it's good.
Spot follows me from the car to the house to the car to the house. I'm not moving that far away, in the same zip code, I suppose a crow could figure it out. Makes me kinda' sad. I really like the crow visits: it's not that there aren't other crows, it's just this one is an individual that has bonded with me. There was one at the bus stop, too. And while I waited, a man walked up, walked behind the shelter, then in front of where I was and then back the way he came and disappeared. Odd.
We still haven't figured out what scene (or with whom) we are doing, just four of us now (a different four.) I never actually said I wouldn't do "F and J" only that I had worked on the play last year, earlier section, and it would be nice to work on something different. I like it. Now she said that I can look at "Proof" with another woman, or "the Woolgatherer." We have class again on Thursday and have to have decided by then.
I've had a tightness somewhere between my heart and my solar plexus all day (or perhaps all month), it has released a little now that I know I actually have a key to the room. I tried to eat earlier but really couldn't...for whatever reason, moving causes me more stress than any other "life event." The next closest is being in a (verbal) fight or breaking up with someone. It will be what it will be, but I hope it's good.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Fingers crossed
Hope springs eternal. Looking at two places today and one tomorrow. Cutting it close, hoping for the best. I've now taken time off of work through Wednesday. Fingers crossed that it will all work out, all in the same general neighborhood, one that would be convenient and on bus lines, so nothing I have to contract myself for. I won't have to "make it work." That's good thing.
A couple people mentioned that they'd give me the directions for the meditation, and there's a chance we will do the second half of it at some point. I want the experience, it seemed like people got a lot out of it. I think I might have just been dehydrated (and under a lot of stress) or something, though I didn't have a headache. The nursery rhymes are done now, they were pretty fun, and the Julie/Hedda scene work is finished tomorrow and then we go work on the final scenes. Not sure what I'm doing yet. Read a cutting last night, and have two more plays to read. There are four of us that have to agree on who is working with whom and what that will be. I feel a bit like I got thrown in the middle of someone else's date, it's awkward. (Two of the four had already agreed to work together.)
Well, signed a lease. I hope it works out alright. The location is great. (Signing anything makes me nervous; I'm always weird about moving.) I feel unsettled. Time was short.
No rehearsal tonight.
A couple people mentioned that they'd give me the directions for the meditation, and there's a chance we will do the second half of it at some point. I want the experience, it seemed like people got a lot out of it. I think I might have just been dehydrated (and under a lot of stress) or something, though I didn't have a headache. The nursery rhymes are done now, they were pretty fun, and the Julie/Hedda scene work is finished tomorrow and then we go work on the final scenes. Not sure what I'm doing yet. Read a cutting last night, and have two more plays to read. There are four of us that have to agree on who is working with whom and what that will be. I feel a bit like I got thrown in the middle of someone else's date, it's awkward. (Two of the four had already agreed to work together.)
Well, signed a lease. I hope it works out alright. The location is great. (Signing anything makes me nervous; I'm always weird about moving.) I feel unsettled. Time was short.
No rehearsal tonight.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sunday, a bit of a mess
I was looking forward to doing the meditation today in class, but she mentioned it might be strenuous and I just fainted (!) at my concert earlier today. Well, okay, I could feel it coming on, and I caught myself and sat in a chair that was in front of me, and someone brought me some water. I still feel sick to my stomach, but I have color in my face again, apparently, I didn't. I only sat out for two songs, sang the last one. I've been kinda' mood-swingy all day, maybe it's just low blood sugar, but everything is making me cry. Or anemia. My diet's been awful the past month or so. The dresses are hot, and the room was overly warm. Everyone was so nice. I was weepy. Still a little weepy. (I used to faint more when I was a vegetarian, it's been 20 years or so, and I'm not super worried about it. But I need to take better care of myself.)
I should work on the Julie script, and pack more...figure out how to make myself look like a rabbit.
The first picture is from last Sunday. The second is at Seattle Center, yesterday, killing time before the workshop (got a caricature done, too, looks nothing like me, except the clothing.)
There are annoying loud people stomping around the house, trying all the doors. Hmmm. We're not out yet. Oh, apparently, they have an open house they didn't tell us about. We were all surprised by it.
I should work on the Julie script, and pack more...figure out how to make myself look like a rabbit.
The first picture is from last Sunday. The second is at Seattle Center, yesterday, killing time before the workshop (got a caricature done, too, looks nothing like me, except the clothing.)
There are annoying loud people stomping around the house, trying all the doors. Hmmm. We're not out yet. Oh, apparently, they have an open house they didn't tell us about. We were all surprised by it.
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| Complete rest/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Low-lying rainbow/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Waiting
Waiting to find out when and where rehearsal is and slightly freaking out about being without a place to live (will have to put everything in storage and couch surf...I don't like doing it, I feel like it can put a strain on relationships. In general, it makes me feel too needy, but am beyond grateful that the option exists. I have good people in my life. I know this.) The thing is, I've worked for the State for the past 14 years. I work full time. I'm at the top of my pay scale (which admittedly, is not particularly high) and I can't find a place to live. There are alot of people who make less than I do, we are all competing for a dwindling supply of affordability. Studios are around $800-1000. Someone showing a house told me he'd met close to 100 people. I have to find someone that wants me to live there. I probably could have moved into that house, but it's not a safe neighborhood at night, and there was dog crap everywhere, hard to avoid stepping in it if you went outside, which is really off-putting to me and it's just a sign of a lack of responsibility that makes me wonder how it translates day to day. Maybe not at all, maybe a lot. Send out more contacts. (The place I looked at yesterday was in a great location, though dirty (that's not a deal-breaker), but I haven't heard back since I called the landlord last night.) With the exception of being a bit of a fridge hog, I'm a good catch as a housemate, and that's something I can reign in, and my good qualities (responsible, friendly, fair, pay bills on time, good conversationalist, I like people, etc.) more than make up for that.
Better things. I got someone to take over the compost coordination at the garden and I took on a different project, more responsibility but it doesn't involve as much of strain on my wrist. And the performance workshop earlier today was great. One of the exercises was similar to one we did on the very first day of Meisner. Where someone tells a story for 45 seconds, and then someone else goes up and tells what they heard, including any physicality that stood out, and then the original person re-did it today (in Meisner we did a longer version, each person speaking for two minutes, and then a full two-minute playback by an observer) including the emphasis of any gestures that may have been picked up by the other people (we had two or three people doing a playback for each storyteller.) I think it's an Anna Deavere Smith exercise. We also did an exercise where we each told a 30-second story about our favorite picture of our self, and then with each proceeding round, re-told our story using elements of other people's stories, and then interrupting "that's a beautiful story, but in my picture..." It was good. Always helpful to actually do something as opposed to getting lost in my head thinking about it and making up catastrophes or whatever. All of which made me think again about the idea that you cannot play the end of something, even if you know how it ends, you have to live in the moment. If you play the end, you never take chances. Sure it might end badly, but you get something out of it anyway, and it could be the most true, beautiful, wonderful experience if you let it be, but you're so afraid of (or anticipating) the ending that you never start. And that's true in life as well as on the stage. You have to take a chance on what's in front of you now. You have to connect to what's going on right now, not what might happen. (I am often caught here.) The concept's been coming up in class now that we are working more with text.
The last thing was the actual game of "Winners and Losers." We ran out of time before I got to go. I was slightly afraid to go, but also disappointed that I didn't get to experience it, though at least they used a few of my ideas. One of my former teachers was a participant in the workshop, made me slightly self-conscious, he's at a much further level than I am, and I am at times, intimidated. Wanted to say, "hi" but stupidly didn't because I couldn't make eye contact (which felt deliberate) and didn't feel like being pushy (sometimes we joke around, sometimes we ignore each other. That's equally my fault and I wish it weren't. Sad truth, I frustrate myself sometimes, I can usually talk to almost anyone.) Sat next to him and was in a group with him, too. Kinda' wanted to debate him in the game, but also intimidated there as well: he really plays to win. (Which was the point.) I would've liked to have seen if I could have stood up to it, I wasn't sure. And now I don't know. (And I kinda' feel like the loser in the game since I didn't play.)
Need to do something, call, rehearse...pack.
Later. As far as rehearsals go, it's like I've never seen a script before. Too distracted, need to really spend some time with this. Get the bad out of the system. We'll meet again before we do these again. Next class is a long active meditation and the nursery rhyme thing. Oh, I should practice for that.
Cheers.
Better things. I got someone to take over the compost coordination at the garden and I took on a different project, more responsibility but it doesn't involve as much of strain on my wrist. And the performance workshop earlier today was great. One of the exercises was similar to one we did on the very first day of Meisner. Where someone tells a story for 45 seconds, and then someone else goes up and tells what they heard, including any physicality that stood out, and then the original person re-did it today (in Meisner we did a longer version, each person speaking for two minutes, and then a full two-minute playback by an observer) including the emphasis of any gestures that may have been picked up by the other people (we had two or three people doing a playback for each storyteller.) I think it's an Anna Deavere Smith exercise. We also did an exercise where we each told a 30-second story about our favorite picture of our self, and then with each proceeding round, re-told our story using elements of other people's stories, and then interrupting "that's a beautiful story, but in my picture..." It was good. Always helpful to actually do something as opposed to getting lost in my head thinking about it and making up catastrophes or whatever. All of which made me think again about the idea that you cannot play the end of something, even if you know how it ends, you have to live in the moment. If you play the end, you never take chances. Sure it might end badly, but you get something out of it anyway, and it could be the most true, beautiful, wonderful experience if you let it be, but you're so afraid of (or anticipating) the ending that you never start. And that's true in life as well as on the stage. You have to take a chance on what's in front of you now. You have to connect to what's going on right now, not what might happen. (I am often caught here.) The concept's been coming up in class now that we are working more with text.
The last thing was the actual game of "Winners and Losers." We ran out of time before I got to go. I was slightly afraid to go, but also disappointed that I didn't get to experience it, though at least they used a few of my ideas. One of my former teachers was a participant in the workshop, made me slightly self-conscious, he's at a much further level than I am, and I am at times, intimidated. Wanted to say, "hi" but stupidly didn't because I couldn't make eye contact (which felt deliberate) and didn't feel like being pushy (sometimes we joke around, sometimes we ignore each other. That's equally my fault and I wish it weren't. Sad truth, I frustrate myself sometimes, I can usually talk to almost anyone.) Sat next to him and was in a group with him, too. Kinda' wanted to debate him in the game, but also intimidated there as well: he really plays to win. (Which was the point.) I would've liked to have seen if I could have stood up to it, I wasn't sure. And now I don't know. (And I kinda' feel like the loser in the game since I didn't play.)
Need to do something, call, rehearse...pack.
Later. As far as rehearsals go, it's like I've never seen a script before. Too distracted, need to really spend some time with this. Get the bad out of the system. We'll meet again before we do these again. Next class is a long active meditation and the nursery rhyme thing. Oh, I should practice for that.
Cheers.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Friday off
Somewhere along the line, I must've become an optimist. Spent almost two hours visiting at a house last night, towards the end of it the woman mentions that she's pretty sure they are going to ask someone else to move in. Guess she liked me as a human being? It was a nice place, apparently not the right one. Went out and saw another place today, better location bus wise. Got my fingers crossed: though I don't see wherever I end up right now as being super long term. Just a feeling I have. But I hope they let me move in. He's meeting people today and tomorrow and then the people he thinks would be a good fit have to be vetted through the landlord...might take a while.
Freaking out a little, but also feel really good this afternoon. I took the day off and it's a super pleasant feeling to be free on a Friday afternoon. The sun is warm, the breeze is cool, the sky is blue with massive white clouds pushing across. The smaller things in my life are working better than smoothly, and I'm grateful. Now if only I had a place to live.
Spent several hours purging documents while waiting for the oven's self-cleaning cycle to run: I found a shredding service. Now I'm just waiting for my scene partner to get back to me, but if he doesn't I'm going to go recycle all my old textbooks. (Again, hadn't known what to do with them, and still was carrying the idea that I was going to use them again. But I'm not.) Felt pangs of nostalgia while walking through the grocery store, which is kinda' sad as I'm only moving to a different neighborhood, it's not like I'm moving to another country. And I always end up liking wherever it is I move to because it's new to me.
I want to get rid of more stuff and I still have the records. Now that I have a reason to see him, I never do. (He would not be the person I did the do-over exercise on. If I needed to, I could speak my mind to him, but I don't need to. I just want to return the records...and possibly borrow his truck.)
Oh, good (?), no rehearsal tonight. Going to a friend's thesis concert later, I like his compositions and I need to get out of the house for a while.
The concert was great, mentioned to a friend that I needed a place to live and she said she'd ask around, which is kind. Came home and contacted more places that have just shown up. I probably just have to take something that's safe and keep looking for something ideal. I have been looking for a month.
Ciao.
Freaking out a little, but also feel really good this afternoon. I took the day off and it's a super pleasant feeling to be free on a Friday afternoon. The sun is warm, the breeze is cool, the sky is blue with massive white clouds pushing across. The smaller things in my life are working better than smoothly, and I'm grateful. Now if only I had a place to live.
Spent several hours purging documents while waiting for the oven's self-cleaning cycle to run: I found a shredding service. Now I'm just waiting for my scene partner to get back to me, but if he doesn't I'm going to go recycle all my old textbooks. (Again, hadn't known what to do with them, and still was carrying the idea that I was going to use them again. But I'm not.) Felt pangs of nostalgia while walking through the grocery store, which is kinda' sad as I'm only moving to a different neighborhood, it's not like I'm moving to another country. And I always end up liking wherever it is I move to because it's new to me.
I want to get rid of more stuff and I still have the records. Now that I have a reason to see him, I never do. (He would not be the person I did the do-over exercise on. If I needed to, I could speak my mind to him, but I don't need to. I just want to return the records...and possibly borrow his truck.)
Oh, good (?), no rehearsal tonight. Going to a friend's thesis concert later, I like his compositions and I need to get out of the house for a while.
The concert was great, mentioned to a friend that I needed a place to live and she said she'd ask around, which is kind. Came home and contacted more places that have just shown up. I probably just have to take something that's safe and keep looking for something ideal. I have been looking for a month.
Ciao.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Thursday
Had a rehearsal for the nursery rhyme thing after work last night and then went to a show at On The Boards, a friend had mentioned it earlier in the day and another friend had given me a comp ticket that I needed to use. It was a performance piece with two men, presumably friends, throwing out a subject and then deciding if it was a "winner" or a "loser" and discussing why they thought that. By the end it gets viciously personal, though I won't say about what, and it ends at a point of unresolved tension. I was telling one of my colleagues that I kinda' wished they'd just punched each other (or I coulda' punched one of them...in reality, I never would, but I kinda' wanted to), something to release the tension. And we were saying to each other that we like things resolved in theatre, but then I thought, yeah, but to not resolve it is more like life...it's how we are: We walk away. We leave things unresolved. We kill relationships because we need to be right. We kill good relationships because we need to be right, or for the inability to apologize or forgive. (Part of liking resolution on stage, I suppose, is that we can see how it could've been. As if there were a do-over for what's unresolved in our memories.) How do you do that night after night? They must resolve it somehow, or you'd just end up avoiding or grudgingly acknowledging each other. And yet, there is also something liberating in being able to be forthright in a relationship and still retain the friendship...you should be able to express yourself, and be able to live with disagreement and the differences between you and still love each other.
Anyway, I'm curious how it's different each night. There must be improv in there with set points that they hit. There was also an insightful write up about the performance in the program (!) (So, yea!)
There's a workshop with the performers on Saturday, that I signed up for (I have another commitment in the morning anyway.) And after the show I was thinking, "Do I still want to go?" Today, "Yes, I do." It's an active workshop and I want to learn from as many people as possible, and to work on freeing myself up to generating new ideas, to be actively creative.
Seven days. Shit.
Anyway, I'm curious how it's different each night. There must be improv in there with set points that they hit. There was also an insightful write up about the performance in the program (!) (So, yea!)
There's a workshop with the performers on Saturday, that I signed up for (I have another commitment in the morning anyway.) And after the show I was thinking, "Do I still want to go?" Today, "Yes, I do." It's an active workshop and I want to learn from as many people as possible, and to work on freeing myself up to generating new ideas, to be actively creative.
Seven days. Shit.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Wednesday, still hopeful
Need to rehearse a lot slower (and need more rehearsal.) I feel sometimes like I'm just desperately trying to hold on to a speeding train, missing at the beats and nuances. Intellectually, I know it's a game of chicken, I know every new beat is upping the ante in that game, but didn't hit any of it last night. Ugh, and I've never been good at the whole sexy seduction thing...practice: I keep getting roles that require it.
Found a place where I could live, maybe. Tried to be as open in my inquiry as possible, so they at least respond. (For every ten ads I answer I get one or two replies, I know everyone is overwhelmed, so, I'm trying to stand out more.) Slightly more rules (which as an adult, I really don't like, though, I understand common courtesy) than I would like to live under (feel like I always have to hide or contract part of myself, which I'm tired of doing), and odd comments on the phone ("a religious fanatic wouldn't want to live here"-I'm not, but it's an odd, random comment not related to rest of conversation, so why mention it?) but still a possibility. I'll see it tomorrow. Frees up tonight to rehearse. The right place must be out there...whole lotta weird (beyond quirky) ones. (The place with the carcass on the porch, the cold basement room without real privacy for $600...There was a place I really should've turned in an application for, but it seemed like it woulda' been lonely, and I want a more social household.) Someone called me back, for an ad that's posted now, and mentioned it's better to look in July...um, sure, but not helpful. I might have to sublet for the summer. Oh, my god. It's a little disheartening.
Found a place where I could live, maybe. Tried to be as open in my inquiry as possible, so they at least respond. (For every ten ads I answer I get one or two replies, I know everyone is overwhelmed, so, I'm trying to stand out more.) Slightly more rules (which as an adult, I really don't like, though, I understand common courtesy) than I would like to live under (feel like I always have to hide or contract part of myself, which I'm tired of doing), and odd comments on the phone ("a religious fanatic wouldn't want to live here"-I'm not, but it's an odd, random comment not related to rest of conversation, so why mention it?) but still a possibility. I'll see it tomorrow. Frees up tonight to rehearse. The right place must be out there...whole lotta weird (beyond quirky) ones. (The place with the carcass on the porch, the cold basement room without real privacy for $600...There was a place I really should've turned in an application for, but it seemed like it woulda' been lonely, and I want a more social household.) Someone called me back, for an ad that's posted now, and mentioned it's better to look in July...um, sure, but not helpful. I might have to sublet for the summer. Oh, my god. It's a little disheartening.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Moving households
The sweet metallic ozone-y scent rises from the pavement as the rains begin. And it's cold again.
Cleaning house and letting go. I stare down six (at least) years of good intentions then shut my eyes and let them go. Move on. The chemistry and math notes and the thoughts of med school that weren't quite my dreams. Gone. My heart was never enough in it to make it happen. Whenever I thought about med school, I found excuses. I found emptiness in my heart. Not my calling. When I decided (for real) to go to Spain, I made it happen. When I decided I wanted to study theatre seriously last year, I found a way to make that happen.
The projects I was gonna work on but never got around to: Gone. The food I felt guilty for wasting. Gone. The clothes I held onto for sentimental reasons. Gone. The papers I wrote for class. Gone. The memory is in me and not in any object anymore. None of these define me. They are only objects, dreams of who I will never be, that are festering, incomplete, ignored, shoved in boxes and in corners. Taking up space. Time to choose and move on. And the objects that represent the things I did become...they can go, too: already a part of me. All of this baggage I don't want to take with me. I don't want to move it, or carry it, or store it anymore.
I woke up ready to let it all go, less traumatic, less guilt today. The pleasures of moving.
I don't have a place yet, but I still have to move.
Cleaning house and letting go. I stare down six (at least) years of good intentions then shut my eyes and let them go. Move on. The chemistry and math notes and the thoughts of med school that weren't quite my dreams. Gone. My heart was never enough in it to make it happen. Whenever I thought about med school, I found excuses. I found emptiness in my heart. Not my calling. When I decided (for real) to go to Spain, I made it happen. When I decided I wanted to study theatre seriously last year, I found a way to make that happen.
The projects I was gonna work on but never got around to: Gone. The food I felt guilty for wasting. Gone. The clothes I held onto for sentimental reasons. Gone. The papers I wrote for class. Gone. The memory is in me and not in any object anymore. None of these define me. They are only objects, dreams of who I will never be, that are festering, incomplete, ignored, shoved in boxes and in corners. Taking up space. Time to choose and move on. And the objects that represent the things I did become...they can go, too: already a part of me. All of this baggage I don't want to take with me. I don't want to move it, or carry it, or store it anymore.
I woke up ready to let it all go, less traumatic, less guilt today. The pleasures of moving.
I don't have a place yet, but I still have to move.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Nine days
The robin starts singing at 5:37 am. I have been awake since before 4 am. Wide awake. Maybe it's the coffee I had at rehearsal.
Communication still seems to be wacky for me. I suppose everyone is busy and just glossing the surface of things. Never heard back about the room I saw early on Saturday, don't have an email address for other place because she and I talked on the phone (and I can neither read my handwriting from when I wrote her number down nor do I have her original ad, I've looked at so many.) Someone said I should stop by but didn't give a time nor an address. It's kinda' amusing, in a way, looking at it from a distance.
Got some blocking done on scene work, interesting revelation that just changing the blocking, totally changed the interaction between the characters...upping the ante. A game of chicken (with life and death consequences- Miss Julie.) Wish the nursery rhymes weren't this week...I have a concert that day, too, so can't skip that rehearsal or performance in order to move. Somehow, it'll all happen. I know what I'm looking for, though I have an odd feeling it won't be long term...there's something else, not sure what that is...if I don't dig my heels in and stay just because I don't want to go through the process of moving again. Trying to stay open.
A friend posted this earlier. I need it, I'm still trying to believe I don't have to be perfect first, give myself the break I'd give anyone else. (Also, believing I have to somehow be perfect, doesn't give anyone else the benefit of the doubt to make up their own mind about me, 'cos I'm not letting them in.) Logically, I can say it doesn't make sense, but messages that got drilled into you starting early and often aren't about listening to reason, they just get embedded in there as "truth." (How many times has this come up? For the record, it's the "unaccomplished" that really eats at me. For whatever reasons, it took me forever to figure out what I wanted and then to give myself permission to pursue it without feeling like I'm being selfish. In the meantime, I've done some internal stuff, but, not many of the big societal "hoops"...) Really frickin' difficult mind-set to break. Just keep chipping away at it until I believe it completely...I have changed other beliefs, I'll change this one, eventually.
Communication still seems to be wacky for me. I suppose everyone is busy and just glossing the surface of things. Never heard back about the room I saw early on Saturday, don't have an email address for other place because she and I talked on the phone (and I can neither read my handwriting from when I wrote her number down nor do I have her original ad, I've looked at so many.) Someone said I should stop by but didn't give a time nor an address. It's kinda' amusing, in a way, looking at it from a distance.
Got some blocking done on scene work, interesting revelation that just changing the blocking, totally changed the interaction between the characters...upping the ante. A game of chicken (with life and death consequences- Miss Julie.) Wish the nursery rhymes weren't this week...I have a concert that day, too, so can't skip that rehearsal or performance in order to move. Somehow, it'll all happen. I know what I'm looking for, though I have an odd feeling it won't be long term...there's something else, not sure what that is...if I don't dig my heels in and stay just because I don't want to go through the process of moving again. Trying to stay open.
A friend posted this earlier. I need it, I'm still trying to believe I don't have to be perfect first, give myself the break I'd give anyone else. (Also, believing I have to somehow be perfect, doesn't give anyone else the benefit of the doubt to make up their own mind about me, 'cos I'm not letting them in.) Logically, I can say it doesn't make sense, but messages that got drilled into you starting early and often aren't about listening to reason, they just get embedded in there as "truth." (How many times has this come up? For the record, it's the "unaccomplished" that really eats at me. For whatever reasons, it took me forever to figure out what I wanted and then to give myself permission to pursue it without feeling like I'm being selfish. In the meantime, I've done some internal stuff, but, not many of the big societal "hoops"...) Really frickin' difficult mind-set to break. Just keep chipping away at it until I believe it completely...I have changed other beliefs, I'll change this one, eventually.
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