Waiting

Waiting to find out when and where rehearsal is and slightly freaking out about being without a place to live (will have to put everything in storage and couch surf...I don't like doing it, I feel like it can put a strain on relationships.  In general, it makes me feel too needy, but am beyond grateful that the option exists.  I have good people in my life.  I know this.)  The thing is, I've worked for the State for the past 14 years.  I work full time.  I'm at the top of my pay scale (which admittedly, is not particularly high) and I can't find a place to live.  There are alot of people who make less than I do, we are all competing for a dwindling supply of affordability.  Studios are around $800-1000.  Someone showing a house told me he'd met close to 100 people.  I have to find someone that wants me to live there.  I probably could have moved into that house, but it's not a safe neighborhood at night, and there was dog crap everywhere, hard to avoid stepping in it if you went outside, which is really off-putting to me and it's just a sign of a lack of responsibility that makes me wonder how it translates day to day.  Maybe not at all, maybe a lot.  Send out more contacts.  (The place I looked at yesterday was in a great location, though dirty (that's not a deal-breaker), but I haven't heard back since I called the landlord last night.)  With the exception of being a bit of a fridge hog, I'm a good catch as a housemate, and that's something I can reign in, and my good qualities (responsible, friendly, fair, pay bills on time, good conversationalist, I like people, etc.) more than make up for that.

Better things.  I got someone to take over the compost coordination at the garden and I took on a different project, more responsibility but it doesn't involve as much of strain on my wrist.  And the performance workshop earlier today was great.  One of the exercises was similar to one we did on the very first day of Meisner.  Where someone tells a story for 45 seconds, and then someone else goes up and tells what they heard, including any physicality that stood out, and then the original person re-did it today (in Meisner we did a longer version, each person speaking for two minutes, and then a full two-minute playback by an observer) including the emphasis of any gestures that may have been picked up by the other people (we had two or three people doing a playback for each storyteller.)  I think it's an Anna Deavere Smith exercise.  We also did an exercise where we each told a 30-second story about our favorite picture of our self, and then with each proceeding round, re-told our story using elements of other people's stories, and then interrupting "that's a beautiful story, but in my picture..."  It was good.  Always helpful to actually do something as opposed to getting lost in my head thinking about it and making up catastrophes or whatever.  All of which made me think again about the idea that you cannot play the end of something, even if you know how it ends, you have to live in the moment.  If you play the end, you never take chances.  Sure it might end badly, but you get something out of it anyway, and it could be the most true, beautiful, wonderful experience if you let it be, but you're so afraid of (or anticipating) the ending that you never start.  And that's true in life as well as on the stage.  You have to take a chance on what's in front of you now.  You have to connect to what's going on right now, not what might happen.  (I am often caught here.)  The concept's been coming up in class now that we are working more with text.

The last thing was the actual game of "Winners and Losers."  We ran out of time before I got to go.  I was slightly afraid to go, but also disappointed that I didn't get to experience it, though at least they used a few of my ideas.  One of my former teachers was a participant in the workshop, made me slightly self-conscious, he's at a much further level than I am, and I am at times, intimidated.  Wanted to say, "hi" but stupidly didn't because I couldn't make eye contact (which felt deliberate) and didn't feel like being pushy (sometimes we joke around, sometimes we ignore each other.  That's equally my fault and I wish it weren't.  Sad truth, I frustrate myself sometimes, I can usually talk to almost anyone.)  Sat next to him and was in a group with him, too.  Kinda' wanted to debate him in the game, but also intimidated there as well: he really plays to win. (Which was the point.)  I would've liked to have seen if I could have stood up to it, I wasn't sure.  And now I don't know.  (And I kinda' feel like the loser in the game since I didn't play.)

Need to do something, call, rehearse...pack.

Later.  As far as rehearsals go, it's like I've never seen a script before.  Too distracted, need to really spend some time with this.  Get the bad out of the system.  We'll meet again before we do these again.  Next class is a long active meditation and the nursery rhyme thing.  Oh, I should practice for that.

Cheers.