Nine days

The robin starts singing at 5:37 am.  I have been awake since before 4 am.  Wide awake.  Maybe it's the coffee I had at rehearsal.

Communication still seems to be wacky for me.  I suppose everyone is busy and just glossing the surface of things.  Never heard back about the room I saw early on Saturday, don't have an email address for other place because she and I talked on the phone (and I can neither read my handwriting from when I wrote her number down nor do I have her original ad, I've looked at so many.)  Someone said I should stop by but didn't give a time nor an address.  It's kinda' amusing, in a way, looking at it from a distance.

Got some blocking done on scene work, interesting revelation that just changing the blocking, totally changed the interaction between the characters...upping the ante.  A game of chicken (with life and death consequences- Miss Julie.)  Wish the nursery rhymes weren't this week...I have a concert that day, too, so can't skip that rehearsal or performance in order to move.  Somehow, it'll all happen.  I know what I'm looking for, though I have an odd feeling it won't be long term...there's something else, not sure what that is...if I don't dig my heels in and stay just because I don't want to go through the process of moving again.  Trying to stay open.

A friend posted this earlier.  I need it, I'm still trying to believe I don't have to be perfect first, give myself the break I'd give anyone else.  (Also, believing I have to somehow be perfect, doesn't give anyone else the benefit of the doubt to make up their own mind about me, 'cos I'm not letting them in.)  Logically, I can say it doesn't make sense, but messages that got drilled into you starting early and often aren't about listening to reason, they just get embedded in there as "truth." (How many times has this come up?  For the record, it's the "unaccomplished" that really eats at me.  For whatever reasons, it took me forever to figure out what I wanted and then to give myself permission to pursue it without feeling like I'm being selfish.  In the meantime, I've done some internal stuff, but, not many of the big societal "hoops"...)  Really frickin' difficult mind-set to break.  Just keep chipping away at it until I believe it completely...I have changed other beliefs, I'll change this one, eventually.