End of the week

Not to get all Matrix-y here, but if people open doors for you, you have to actually walk through them on your own.  As nice as it would be, no one's here to hold your hand (or mine, as the case may be.)  And a lot of doors have opened.  I'm terrible with follow-thru, but currently forcing myself to do something, anything to make myself move toward what I say I want (but apparently afraid to hope for.  But if I've done, or am doing, the work, I have as much right to enter as anyone else.)  I also have a serious commitment problem, I think I'm afraid of closing doors behind me.  You do have to choose at some point.  It doesn't have to be the "right" or perfect choice, I just need to commit to it.  I can say this in general, but I'm mostly thinking of choices on stage, in class.  It's making my actions/interactions muddy.  Make big choices! (and commit to them!)

I'm excited to see what the shows will be tonight.  I watched a Vimeo video last night on it, the directors and actors are all drawn the morning of.  They posted it earlier, too.  Trying to give my 2/4 comps away, but can't wait any longer for date/time.  I did give one away, I'll probably use two of them, myself...but I have one more.

Sadly, lower expectations doesn't keep disappointment at bay.

The show was great.  Saw it 2x (mostly, I left before the very last one because I didn't want to miss the very last bus.  In retrospect, I probably coulda' stayed, but why risk it?  Also, I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach all night.  Not sure what's up with that.)  The 8 pm show was sold out, so lots of people standing.  I saw it from the back, near the middle, and saw the 10:30 show from the side.  The middle was definitely better for the first few plays-there were seven, but the side was good for others.  Someone I didn't realize was an actor, was friggin' hilarious.  There was some wonderful physical work, noticeably in the first piece after the intermission called "Boxed Wine" and also by a woman that played a dead turtle (come back from the dead) in "My Pet and My Dead Pet."

I was ushering through the beginning of the second show.  One of my best friends from when I did theatre (long ago) showed up to the 8 pm show.  I haven't seen him in probably 15 years.  It was great.  I think about him a lot.  Last time I saw him was strange, I was working as a waitress and he came into the restaurant and I didn't talk to him because I felt stupid because I was working at that restaurant.  I was just insecure.  I've always felt like an ass about it.  He introduced himself to me tonight (I had a name tag on, and he came through my door) and we hugged, and then he came over and introduced me to his wife, and we talked a bit.  It was good.  I needed that.

Bus got me home after 1 am.  And it's pouring down rain.  And there were geese flying and honking to each other between the bus stop and home.  These pictures are from Friday.  Gone from (boring) night shots to cacti. (I spent my lunch hour in a greenhouse looking at desert plants and frogs.)

 

Not Cacti, Jan 10/L Herlevi 2014

January 10/L Herlevi 2014
 

Jumping through the hoops

Yes.

Wildly uncomfortable, but it will get easier, I think, over time.  I've changed my life how many times?  You just have to keep putting yourself out there until the new becomes your life.  No other way.

A friend offered to take me to dinner, so I emailed my choir director to tell him I wouldn't be there, he said, "Happy Birthday."  Met my friend downtown, near the theatre, and went after.  Glad I did it.  Felt kinda' stupid, but...c'est la vie.  Kinda' fun to see how it all works though (14/48 festival.)  Playwrights just got the theme, and have to have a 10 minute (or less) play by 8 am tomorrow.  Meet directors at 9 am, actors at 9:45, musicians at 10.  Whole thing goes up for an audience at 8 pm tomorrow night.  7 plays.  I don't know how directors and actors are assigned, they hadn't done that by the time I left.  I went and tried to take pictures.  The scene is warm, but the camera shoots it really cold and greenish.  I don't like it.

Started to jump through the hoops that'll get me to the general auditions (fingers crossed.)  Sign up starts next week.  I joined TPS (still need a head shot and to upload a bio) and I made more specific contact with potential coach.  She gave me ideas of where to look for monologues, so I'll start doing that as soon as I finish this.  Not a lot of time.  Prelim auditions are in February, and if I get in, I'll have to do one of those, so need to have the monologues ready within the next month.  I get two minutes, you don't go over.

Here's a picture (best of the bunch):

How it generally shot, Jan 9/L Herlevi 2014

What it looked like, Jan 9/L Herlevi 2014

Mid week

Just got home from clown group.  I was making up excuses earlier of why not to go, but I enjoy it.  Also, I realize how out of touch I get with that way of being in the world if I don't do it regularly, I forget how clown would react or move.  And again, I love the generosity of everyone that shows up.  Earlier today I was thinking about the next level class and if I was going to take it.  I'm leaning closer to "yes," still, it's a long way until July.  I have no idea what I'm doing this summer.

I'm volunteering for another theatre event this weekend, I had said I was available for any of the days (ushering) and they assigned me this weekend.  I want to meet people doing theatre in this city.  Anyway, as part of that, all the volunteers were invited to the kick-off event tomorrow night, I'm kinda on the fence.  I'd like to go, but if I'm the only volunteer that shows up (everyone else is an actor, writer, director, musician, artist, designer directly involved), I know I'll feel like I don't belong there.  And it's my birthday.  And technically, I should go to choir rehearsal as I really don't have a solid grasp of the Vivaldi piece.  But...my main reason for not going is lame, and if that were taken out of the equation, I'd go.  If I want to meet people, or at least match names with faces, this would be when to do that.  Plus, you know, we were invited.  I think I need to suck up my insecurities and just go.

I don't know why my camera records colors like this and not how they actually appear.  I guess I should read the manual:)

Walkway, Jan 8/L Herlevi 2014



Space Needle, Jan 8/L Herlevi 2014

January 7 and day 2

The rain fell softly down while I waited for the bus.  I liked the way it hit the windshield: a soft mist, interspersed with a few hard, solid drops.  Backlit with the growing daylight.  Thought about shooting it, but felt intrusive, so I didn't.  Favorite thing I've seen today, so far.  Feeling resistance.

Eleven more weeks after tonight, and at the end I will still be yet a different person from who I am today.  There's a lot going on now, mostly the class, but other things are churning as well, all with life-altering potential.  I'm trying to believe I'll be ready.

And it's funny that I work myself into a state of nervousness the closer it gets to the time for me to leave for class.  The thing is, yes, it's always stretching forward, but it's within the realm of possibility to move in that direction, it's not so far forward as to cause paralysis (usually.)  The sudden direction to add singing into the process on Sunday made me panic.  It wasn't that I was afraid of singing in front of people, (there were six of us in the group), it was more that I was afraid my subconscious wouldn't deliver and I'd fail.  I think I put to much pressure on the spontaneous reaction, and what I think that looks like.  I coulda' sung anything, it wasn't going to be "wrong."

Tonight, weighted down by self-consciousness (and my clothing felt restrictive), need to figure out how to come out of that.  Music helps, ironically, I keep choosing Beatles' (and Estonian) songs.  I can daydream on the bus at the drop of a hat, and I can sit and be part of the audience and my imagination goes all over the place, but not when I'm on the spot.  Need to figure out why, and what to do about it.

On a bright note, I asked Robin about suggesting a coach for auditions and the person she suggested was the person I originally wanted to ask, and then when I walked out on break she was in the lobby, so I asked her.  Need to email her as well.  Nice bit of synchronicity.  This is coming up way too soon.

Only shot three pictures today, since I didn't take a break (because of leaving early for class.)

Lamp post Jan 7/L Herlevi 2014

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January 6

Here's the photo for January 6, 2014.

 

January 6/L Herlevi 2014

Not a cloud in the sky

Saturday night - Thick sliver of yellow moon dropping heavily in the western sky, leaving the clear east twinkling with stars spread out in the vast darkness: more stars than can usually be seen in the city. The ground sparkling with frost, crunching or slippery underfoot.  A final chance to see the lights before the season is over, but the stars win my attention.  I reluctantly head home after an hour gazing, stomach growling from lack of food, heart racing from too much caffeine, and fingers freezing in spite of the gloves I finally wore.  Grateful to the neighbors for hanging lights; grateful to the stars and the moon for shining so bright.  Grateful that my need for caffeine (and warmth) found me entering the coffee shop at that particular moment for that particular conversation (it felt like encouragement.)

Sunday - Heavy stuff, and it can happen because trust has been built, how does bringing in someone new work?  It could work, but this is going to be a heavy quarter (emotionally, and personally vulnerable) so we will have to trust them, but if they are serious about it, it'll have to come with the territory of the work.  The homework is already daunting, and it only scratches the surface.  Forgot about the book we were supposed to look over during break, Spoon River Anthology, so will have to check the library.

Uninspired today, and then as the light was fading as I made my way to class, there was this:

Beauty is you, Jan 5/L Herlevi 2014

Saturday

Decided to check out the new(ish) neighborhood park this morning.  Walked through with my camera but the light was wrong and I was cold so went to get some coffee and to finish reading the Esper book.  When I find an empty seat, the man across asks about my camera and if I love it.  Somehow the conversation gets to his idea that the world is here for him (and by extension, everyone else) to learn and grow from our interactions and experiences within it.  I commented how this was different from narcissism where one would believe that you are the center of the world and it is here to serve you alone.  The first being more egalitarian and compassionate.  It was a cool conversation, but really short, and we both got back to what we were doing: me, reading; he, writing.  Hello, Saturday morning!

Later I went back to the park and walked this circular track.  At the far end there is an overlook to the east.  It's high enough, and the day clear and bright enough that you could see the entire Cascade Range and all the foothills. You could see the lake and both bridges crossing it.  Ridiculous.  This area had been closed to the public for years.  Very cool.

Went to the library to drop off the Esper book and pick up an Estonian movie.  On the way back home, stopped by an art gallery that I hadn't been to in a while, and found out that the artist had died last February.  There was a room dedicated to his life.  Yesterday, I learned that a friend was in a coma in the hospital after suffering a severe asthma attack, and while I prayed for her, and sent good thoughts her way, I couldn't feel anything.  Standing in this room, I started crying for someone I'd only ever met twice in my life.  I don't know why.  The first time I met him, I cried when I walked away.  He was doing a book signing at an exhibit and I was wandering around on a break and came across him and decided to stand in line and meet him.  When I think about it now, the word that springs to mind is "delight."  There was a childlike quality in him, he was very present and exuded unconditional love.  But I felt a delight in him when he met me, and I guess I was lacking that in my life, so it really touched me. (He was also a Zen priest.)  My only other encounter with him was several years later and more mundane.

I had plans to visit the friend this morning, but she was transferred to a different hospital, and I had trouble figuring out how to meet up with my ride there.  Hopefully later on in the week.  I did find out that the coma was induced because she was placed on a ventilator.  She's young.  She's supposed to get married this month, and she seemed really happy with her life last time I saw her.

Again, don't wait.  We only have now.

For Sale, Jan 4/L Herlevi 2014

Side of Building, Jan 4/L Herlevi 2014

Better than words, Jan 4/L Herlevi 2014

Sunny now

Walking to the grocery store this morning, mountain visibly looming under the clouds.  Wisps of clouds blowing across the eastern side, closest to the rising sun, ever so slowly turning from gray to pink to gold.  Once again, forgot that just because it's not sub-zero and snowing, doesn't mean I won't feel cold when I walk out the door, gloves woulda' been useful.  Got oatmeal and then at the last minute decided I wanted bacon, while standing there, my boss walked up to me and offered me a ride into work (I often run into her there.)  Walking from the cashier to the door, the oatmeal leaked out all over my bag, tried to figure out how to not get it all over her car.

It's quite bright and sunny now, will possibly have a non-gray picture of the day.  Not sure how long I'll keep this up, it's not a resolution, neither is the not drinking, more of a challenge to myself to see if I have the will power.  I do have a resolution, struggling with it today because I woke up in a really foul mood (housemate stuff, fairly petty, but it gets my goat.)  Have been glad to be back at work and back in this neighborhood daily.  This is usually where I want to be.

Went downtown to pay a bill, and use a $20 Macy's gift card I got in the mail yesterday (a rebate off of the shoes I bought earlier).  Was excited to get a seat on the bus even though it smelled funky (like dirty feet, bad), next stop, bus got cleaned.  Apparently someone had gotten sick, which is why all those seats were empty (all pretty much got sat in as well.)  Currently washing clothes, and need to take a shower...1) the smell is in my nose; 2) don't want to get the Norovirus.

Here's a picture for January 3rd, it was sunny, though late in the afternoon, so there is color involved.  The other pictures have also been in color, there just wasn't much in the shots.  Actually, three for the price of one today.

Crab Apple, Jan 3/L Herlevi 2014

Geese Jan 3/L Herlevi 2014

Jan 3 Water/L Herlevi 2014

New things

New year, new artwork.  One of my colleagues arranged for me to get new art for my wall at work (I got to go over and choose it) and also had a wolf poster I've had pinned to my wall, framed.  (It was a promotional poster, beautiful graphic design work.)  Classing up the joint.

All day I've thought it was Monday.  Ran out early for the bus to get to work, forgetting that my bus is still on a holiday schedule, so spent that half hour outside in the dark and was late anyway.  Stayed dark all day. This is how I generally think of January here.  (Think I'll go look at Christmas lights tomorrow night.)  Ran into someone I hadn't seen in ages and that kinda' made my night, but generally feeling pretty blah and uninspired.  That'll change as soon as class starts up on Sunday.  Ready for it to begin again, even if I am a little terrified...months of hard work ahead.

January/L Herlevi 2014
 

Cheers

It's January 1rst, 2013 and I am dry for the month.  Ate too much last night.  It was tapas, and all very good.  My favorite thing was this sliced, sour apple with honey-lemon-cream cheese and pomegranate seeds, really worked together.  Not Spanish per se, she just had a pomegranate she needed to use.  I was gonna leave earlier, but I don't like waiting for a bus there, and asked a friend to drive me home, so we stayed until 1 am.

Less than five days 'til it all starts up again.  It feels like months since I've seen everyone.  It feels like more than a week since I've been at work.  I did check email, I know I'll have to hit the ground running tomorrow, but one more day off until then.  Back to "Lord of the Rings" and black-eyed peas (for luck.)

Happy New Year!

Fennel and light/L Herlevi 2014