And when the words end

all that's left at the center is gratitude. Happy Easter.

Happy Weekend

I feel odd.

Here's a picture for the day, magnolias in the Quad, my cherry tree pictures weren't as good, too far away.

Magnolia tree/L. Herlevi 2013

Also, a song. In honor of Billy Bragg playing the Neptune later this week. It's not really a video, mostly just a picture of one of the Oasis guys. But I like this version of the song, the hollowness of the room.  Accident Waiting to Happen. It reminds me of driving across the Franklin Mountains between El Paso and Las Cruces with my aunt and uncle a long time ago. They had found an old Billy Bragg tape somewhere and we played it in the car, because it reminded them of when my sister had visited them in England in the early 90's. I haven't heard his music lately, I used to listen to him a lot in the late 80's and early 90's. I listened to Workers Playtime alot, it had all the "love" songs on it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCCnNqyrgmI

Gonna go see if I need a benedryl.

Trying to purge stuff. Got rid of a box, then took two large bags of clothing to a Goodwill drop-off. Walked 40 blocks home. The sun was warm, the air slightly cool, smelling clean of balsa and rockrose. I love late afternoon when the sun begins to slant toward the horizon. My favorite time of day.

Good Friday

Singing tonight music I love, especially Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus. We have a cellist and an oboeist (sp?) playing with us which sound awesome in the space, and make the really long song more interesting. (We sang it Sunday as well, without them, and my mind was wandering all over the place, which doesn't usually happen when I sing.) And then I'll need to write the scholarship application, it's due Monday. Still feeling ambivalent about the trip: 1) both my parents are having surgery this month; 2) I seem to have forgotten all the Finnish that I know since spring break started, and; 3) I'm still sick. Although for the last reason, maybe I'd feel better with a change of scenery. My RA doctor tried to find a different, older asthma medicine to see if it would be cheaper. It was more expensive (because you needed to take more, so had to buy more, I think.) $155. The nurse gave me a website for help with medicine you can't pay for. So, I'll look into that. But, back to Finland, 1) going and doing an immersion course would help with the bilingual goal; 2) it would be nice to see Riikka again; and 3) it's pretty much paid for (tuition, books, housing) if you get into the program, I would just need to come up with travel money (really expensive to fly there) and food, etc.

The housemate moved out yesterday, though by the time I got home from supper and rehearsal, he was sitting in the living room drinking beer with another housemate and watching basketball highlights (to check on his bracket, I guess.) Then he took a shower and went back to the other house. He left the super comfortable Ikea wooden-recliner-type chair, which is cool. The couch is kinda' gross.

Wide awake

It's 1:11 am. I took a nap earlier and now I'm wide awake. I was going to check out this workshop online that I'm sharing with someone, but I can't figure out where I put my password. I thought it was next to me when I fell asleep, but now it isn't. 

There were a bunch of ants in the bathroom when I got home tonight. Even though I don't think they are in my room (hard to tell with the carpet, but I don't see any) I feel super itchy. I overthink everything and then read too much into everything. A consequence of spending too much time by myself. I'm a drop in a big bucket. Wish I knew where I put the password. Wish I were tired enough to sleep.

Again, let go or be dragged.  Flirting can be a pleasant and harmless way to pass the time. And flattering, too. A piece of advice I read in a horoscope last night, good as advice even if you don't believe in horoscopes:"The very things you want to tell another person are very well the things you should be telling yourself." (Holiday Mathis-Capricorn, for today.) Ouch. So, where am I not taking responsibility and passing the buck? Could I have more integrity? (Actually, I tend to take on too much responsibility, I need to let that go and be okay if things fall apart. I can't actually hold the world together.  Still I would be responsible for playing small.)

Enough of the moping. I wonder if the ants bite me in my sleep? I got really sick a couple of weeks ago, actually fasted for a few days, but I still can't eat. Trying to force myself, because it's good to eat, but still only eating about half of what I would normally consume. (Ooh, another cool exhibit, I wonder if I can get there by 5?)  My doctor says there was some virus going around, but I didn't have a headache or anything. At any rate, I lost 8 lbs. Finally was able to eat some soup tonight.

I love the walk into work in the damp, cool, green, quiet morning. It's so luscious. Ah, the wanderings of my brain on too little sleep and too little to eat.

So, obviously I need to dig into this button of mine that once pushed takes me from a rational individual to a raving nutcase. And as I've decided that I'm gonna face all these things this year, they are coming up. (Not here, though.)

New way of walking

Well, signed up for the class, want to build on what is fresh in my mind (and muscle memory.) I'll be nice to myself, and hopefully the throat will start to heal.

A dude I live with asked me out yesterday. Wasn't really sure if it was a date or not, or just housemates hanging out. For some reason, getting close to (men, romantically) someone scares the crap out of me. I don't know when that started, I wasn't this way in college. He's moving this weekend, and it could've been a friend thing, though he's been oddly protective lately. Not in a creepy kinda' way, but he walked me home last night when he coulda' gone to the bar next door to watch the end of the soccer match (which he wanted to see.) And he keeps wanting to make me tea (because of the coughing.) And while I can take care of myself, it's nice when someone else gives a damn.

Incidently, I came the closest I ever have to nailing the Estonian song this week. We didn't have any tenors at rehearsal, so we really worked parts and we worked them slowly. (I get lazy or tired at the end of the 16th-note runs and have trouble putting the last syllable on. And unlike Handel or Mozart, there are actual words attached to every running note.)

And this is pretty dorky, but I've always walked kinda' odd, not using my full foot motion. Since I took this biomechanics class, I enjoy practicing walking, moving through my entire foot is new and fun for me. I keep finding excuses to get up and walk around the office. (Though I do often hear a male voice shouting out, "feel the ground with your whole foot!" which is amusing.)

Tuesday

Out in the yard practicing biomechanics balancing stuff as the day lightens, sun not risen yet, but enough light to see. Flocks of crows fly overhead and robins sing somewhere in the nearby trees. I'm not as centered as I had been, haven't been practicing balancing as much as other aspects. I smacked myself in the forehead only once though.  I practice a lot of the walking and moving stuff at the bus stop and at work; we have a long hallway and a lot of corners around the lobby to my desk.

Somebody posted the zen proverb: "Let go or be dragged." on facebook recently. I have it posted on my desk. For some reason, when nothing else has worked, somehow this really does help me to let go of physical things. And those things carry emotional weight, but they are completely dragging me down. Need to do a Goodwill run and and H&M (they recycle old clothes now) run this weekend. Now, I'm going to go look for butterflies.

I give up trying to understand. I have never been mean or acted inappropriate toward him. He won't even respond to me. (I only asked "why?")  Let go or be dragged.

I was wrong.

Song

Still irritated, trying not to bite my tongue off. Here's a song for the day, again, no meaning for it, I just really like it, and I don't have anything to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDLiVwpv89s

Duran Duran, Ordinary World.

So, I need to get this coughing thing figured out. It's getting worse, and my throat feels swollen now most of the time from it. And, I need to stop singing for a while. Maybe at least until September. I'll sing for this week, and possibly the Finnish concerts, but I need to treat myself with kindness, too. It is my favorite thing to do, and I've never had this throat issue before, and it just never seems to get better. Ironically, I actually sing better now, I think my voice sounds better, vastly.  When I was watching Julius Caesar last night, I was thinking, "I can't shout like that." I want to take an acting class this quarter, because I feel I have some momentum as far as being present and in my body and breathing and ways to get into a character that I didn't have before, but I'm not sure if that would be pushing my health too much. It would help if I knew what was causing this, but I can't see anyone else until I get these medical bills paid down. Stress over money isn't gonna help any. It would be helpful also if the asthma medicine wasn't so expensive, but I don't know how to work around that one, there is no generic. Breaks my heart not to be able to sing, but maybe it just needs more time to heal. When I mentioned kindness, one of those people was talking to me about singing and also of being kind to myself. She said she had missed me singing (I hadn't gone to rehearsals in the past few months) but that I had to take care of myself. There have been a bunch of others too, not just about singing, but a lot of it has been about that.

Palm Sunday

I was wrong about thinking it won't freeze in the mornings now, it's been below freezing when I've woken up now a few times in the past week.  Now my throat hurts again because I coughed so much yesterday, maybe it's the pollen?

Ended up going to another museum today, because it was free, and so was I. Then I had been planning on seeing a production of Julius Caesar which was hours later, but I didn't feel like I could make it home and back by bus, so I ended up walking around a lot, in heeled boots. My feet were killing me. Hopefully end up with some good pictures from that. I have to get them developed, I've shot a bunch of film this week. Anyway, I was super tired, so I "bus-dozed" a bit during the first act, but not the second. I enjoyed it. It was the only public performance, so I'm glad I went. I just got home about an hour ago, it would normally have taken longer, but I had good luck with busses and transfers tonight. The air was pleasant on the walk from the bus stop to my house.

People in my life have been so kind lately, and I'm trying to be able to accept it. I think I've changed somehow. I'm not sure how, but a lot of my relationships are opening up, at a non-threatening pace, and I am grateful for that.

Singing to the dawn

It's cold, but I have my window cracked open anyway.  Someone was smoking earlier. I can hear the morning song of robins and the slow increase of traffic outside. It's Saturday, so less now than usual. It's just past 7 am. I've been up since 4 am. I wrote some and am trying to finish a book, by restarting it again since I had misplaced it and can't remember what I'd already read. I think I might have been almost done.  So do I go to the art museum or to check out the "brush-eating goat!"? I have a party later, maybe I'll just fall back asleep.  I won't be asked what I thought, and so I won't have to answer. And in a way, that's a relief, I don't have anything to say.

Well, the goats were a no-show, so I helped to clear knotweed and blackberry for awhile then went to the museum and later took pictures of beautiful trees (film). Ate lunch in a place where I saw a cockroach run around a table-top and finally wandered over to the birthday party. And how sad is it that 20 people want me to be in their company and I'm pining over the one that doesn't? I need to keep myself occupied. Still, better to feel than to not feel.

Now that spring has arrived

it's snowing! Big freaking flakes, dropping like a curtain. Had the strongest wind of the year earlier this week as well. It was a pretty uneventful winter, weatherwise, and now that it's no longer winter, we are getting a little bit of everything, as if Mother Nature suddenly woke up and shook out her satchel of tricks.

Well, that's that. Time to make myself move along now.  Here's a random picture of street art in Lisbon. Has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this post, I just really like it.




Lisbon-Street Angels/L.Herlevi