Not that bad

I had a woman basically call me out for what she perceived to be a sexist (toward women) comment this morning, demanding that I never say it again.  My first reaction was to cower (as usual) and to then try to defend myself, but eventually, I started to wonder why I legitimize everyone else over myself, in the process not owning my own thoughts or opinions as being as worthy as someone else's...I mean, I don't find it sexist in the slightest, I didn't intend it that way, in the context of how it was used, it wasn't referring to one gender over another...and, Am I not also a woman?  Is my opinion as a woman somehow less than hers? (Am I less of a woman?  Am I less valid?  Do I matter?)   Eventually, I came around to, "Yes, I am.  And, no, it's not."  So, I guess I'm glad she pushed the button that brought me to the conclusion that I don't always need to be last; to always honor my own thoughts last.  And I'm not gonna meet her demand to never repeat it.  We've got different baggage, and that one's not mine to carry.  And I don't always need to feel so damn guilty for everything.

The film ended up working out.  Came across way more subtle than it felt at the time.  The instructors spent a lot of time talking about set-up and story and the way it was shot, and then with one of the actors (the one that filled in).  (And the concept that actors need to be director-proof, that you continue to try things, make decisions for your character even if you don't feel like you had direction.  It's part of your job.)  So, not much to the other three of us regarding our acting in the scene.  One of the instructors did lean over after the critique and tell me he thought I did a good job with it; I'll take that, though specifics are always good.  There was a better take, I think, at the end of the night we shot, but the director used one that flowed better overall because he was trying to shoot it in one take to see how that would work.  I liked the way I moved, I thought there was a certain loneliness in it.