Tuesday

Out in the yard practicing biomechanics balancing stuff as the day lightens, sun not risen yet, but enough light to see. Flocks of crows fly overhead and robins sing somewhere in the nearby trees. I'm not as centered as I had been, haven't been practicing balancing as much as other aspects. I smacked myself in the forehead only once though.  I practice a lot of the walking and moving stuff at the bus stop and at work; we have a long hallway and a lot of corners around the lobby to my desk.

Somebody posted the zen proverb: "Let go or be dragged." on facebook recently. I have it posted on my desk. For some reason, when nothing else has worked, somehow this really does help me to let go of physical things. And those things carry emotional weight, but they are completely dragging me down. Need to do a Goodwill run and and H&M (they recycle old clothes now) run this weekend. Now, I'm going to go look for butterflies.

I give up trying to understand. I have never been mean or acted inappropriate toward him. He won't even respond to me. (I only asked "why?")  Let go or be dragged.

I was wrong.

Song

Still irritated, trying not to bite my tongue off. Here's a song for the day, again, no meaning for it, I just really like it, and I don't have anything to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDLiVwpv89s

Duran Duran, Ordinary World.

So, I need to get this coughing thing figured out. It's getting worse, and my throat feels swollen now most of the time from it. And, I need to stop singing for a while. Maybe at least until September. I'll sing for this week, and possibly the Finnish concerts, but I need to treat myself with kindness, too. It is my favorite thing to do, and I've never had this throat issue before, and it just never seems to get better. Ironically, I actually sing better now, I think my voice sounds better, vastly.  When I was watching Julius Caesar last night, I was thinking, "I can't shout like that." I want to take an acting class this quarter, because I feel I have some momentum as far as being present and in my body and breathing and ways to get into a character that I didn't have before, but I'm not sure if that would be pushing my health too much. It would help if I knew what was causing this, but I can't see anyone else until I get these medical bills paid down. Stress over money isn't gonna help any. It would be helpful also if the asthma medicine wasn't so expensive, but I don't know how to work around that one, there is no generic. Breaks my heart not to be able to sing, but maybe it just needs more time to heal. When I mentioned kindness, one of those people was talking to me about singing and also of being kind to myself. She said she had missed me singing (I hadn't gone to rehearsals in the past few months) but that I had to take care of myself. There have been a bunch of others too, not just about singing, but a lot of it has been about that.

Palm Sunday

I was wrong about thinking it won't freeze in the mornings now, it's been below freezing when I've woken up now a few times in the past week.  Now my throat hurts again because I coughed so much yesterday, maybe it's the pollen?

Ended up going to another museum today, because it was free, and so was I. Then I had been planning on seeing a production of Julius Caesar which was hours later, but I didn't feel like I could make it home and back by bus, so I ended up walking around a lot, in heeled boots. My feet were killing me. Hopefully end up with some good pictures from that. I have to get them developed, I've shot a bunch of film this week. Anyway, I was super tired, so I "bus-dozed" a bit during the first act, but not the second. I enjoyed it. It was the only public performance, so I'm glad I went. I just got home about an hour ago, it would normally have taken longer, but I had good luck with busses and transfers tonight. The air was pleasant on the walk from the bus stop to my house.

People in my life have been so kind lately, and I'm trying to be able to accept it. I think I've changed somehow. I'm not sure how, but a lot of my relationships are opening up, at a non-threatening pace, and I am grateful for that.

Singing to the dawn

It's cold, but I have my window cracked open anyway.  Someone was smoking earlier. I can hear the morning song of robins and the slow increase of traffic outside. It's Saturday, so less now than usual. It's just past 7 am. I've been up since 4 am. I wrote some and am trying to finish a book, by restarting it again since I had misplaced it and can't remember what I'd already read. I think I might have been almost done.  So do I go to the art museum or to check out the "brush-eating goat!"? I have a party later, maybe I'll just fall back asleep.  I won't be asked what I thought, and so I won't have to answer. And in a way, that's a relief, I don't have anything to say.

Well, the goats were a no-show, so I helped to clear knotweed and blackberry for awhile then went to the museum and later took pictures of beautiful trees (film). Ate lunch in a place where I saw a cockroach run around a table-top and finally wandered over to the birthday party. And how sad is it that 20 people want me to be in their company and I'm pining over the one that doesn't? I need to keep myself occupied. Still, better to feel than to not feel.

Now that spring has arrived

it's snowing! Big freaking flakes, dropping like a curtain. Had the strongest wind of the year earlier this week as well. It was a pretty uneventful winter, weatherwise, and now that it's no longer winter, we are getting a little bit of everything, as if Mother Nature suddenly woke up and shook out her satchel of tricks.

Well, that's that. Time to make myself move along now.  Here's a random picture of street art in Lisbon. Has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this post, I just really like it.




Lisbon-Street Angels/L.Herlevi
 

night, but not Friday

The flocks of geese across the street call to each other in the dark. Earlier I went to see a photo exhibition and when I got off the bus it had begun to hail. After I left the gallery, I walked 20 minutes in the rain to the library to return an overdue book, in hopes of snow.  It snowed a little, now and again. I barely made it back to rehearsal in time. There were only two sopranos tonight so I was trying to sing loud and practicing air-moving techniques from the voice class.  And though I definitely have more vibrato, and, I think, more volume, my voice itself is shot. I sound like a boy going through puberty when I speak, however, my throat isn't sore. Still, I guess I understand why the ENT doc said not to sing (or shout, or whisper.) I'll take a break again after Easter, but I love the Good Friday music and I really want to sing it. The other choir only has two more concerts until late summer.  Both of those are in April.  And even though the cherry trees are only beginning to bloom, people are showing up to take pictures of and with them, and climbing them, and standing in them while conducting everyday conversations. I love them all year, but they definitely stand a bit taller now.

Preparing for the big show

The grounds crew are out mowing, weed-whacking and power-blowing every inch of grass in a rainstorm. The earthworms are streaking across the flooded pavement escaping the onslaught of metal blade and whipping string. There are so many it's hard to avoid stepping on them.  The cherry trees send out preliminary blossoms in preparation for the big show. It seems as if overnight the whole Quad was covered in buds, making the trees look blurry from a distance. And I know it's anthropomorphizing to believe that the trees enjoy all the attention, the photos, the people sitting against them, near them, in their branches, travelling just to witness the blooms, but I do.

Frost

and cold this morning while I was outside dealing with the garbage. Seems winter ain't going down without a fight. Had to give in and wear the hat again. Beautiful red sunrise.

At lunch I walk in a different direction, wanting to look for cherry or plum trees in bloom. I stop by some magnolias, and as I point my camera skyward, I see two sets of fluttering wings, black against the sky, to my right. Butterflies? Now? After I shoot the picture I look for them, but they are gone. I start to walk away, turn and I see one land in the grass. A chocolate brown butterfly, with small white and small purple spots on the edges of it's wings. It sits unmoving in the grass, and I try to get closer to get a picture because I have a short lens, but I frighten it and it flies up into the branches and lands on an unopened flower, too far away.

Film

Finally finished the roll of film in the camera and began to shoot a second. Woke up at 4 am with a wicked headache but didn't bother to get up and take anything for it until 5:30. I always do this, they almost never go away on their own. Still have it, though not unbearably so. We get to sing the very difficult Estonian song in rehearsal tonight. It's energizing and the sopranos always end up in giggles because it is so difficult to sing. There's a long 16th note section near the end that I practiced in a corner in the Chicago airport for a couple of hours, but still can't get in it's entirety when we sing it altogether. We haven't sung it since Finland. I need to put all of my music in a central place (so I can find it when I need it.) I will say that a lot of the music is easier now that I've been studying Finnish, since the pronunciations are easier for me, except for the Estonian song, on that one, not only am I having trouble keeping up matching the words with the rythym, but I found out tonight that I'm probably pronouncing the vowels wrong. We have about a month until we sing it publicly.

St. Patrick's Day

Read two books and now need to finish a third as it's due date is just about here.  Slept too much, trying to keep myself occupied to not let this overwhelming feeling of disappointment engulf me as has been threatening for days now. It's just part of life, though saying that doesn't make me feel any better. Been reading other people's blogs for about an hour now. It's 6:30 in the morning, maybe I should get up and exercise? Cook. Do my taxes. De-clutter. Too early for laundry. Write. Put film in a camera. Find camera?  I know I'm an idiot, but closing myself off would be worse (for me.)

Got up, made nettle tea, then made risotto with the nettles and some of the tea (and those baby leeky things that I pulled from the garden yesterday). I had some broth I needed to use up. Turned out better than last time, used a different cooking vessel, higher sides. Miss the cheese, but was edible. Cracked open the window so I could listen to the robins sing their pre-dawn songs, once the sun had risen above the mountains, I could hear the other birds singing as well. I really enjoy cooking in the morning when no one else is awake, but if I do it on weekdays, I always end up being late for work. I'm easily side-tracked.

Wow, the asthma prescription was $144 even with health insurance! So, I can't fill it.  So sick of coughing and reinjuring my throat.