green flutter trees sway
breezes soften glaring sun
on this side, silence
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The dreaded Thursday has arrived
Will breathe somewhat easier when the final is over, even if I fail. It is 25% of grade, video project was only 15%, and took up most of the quarter. C'est la vie. Am taking off a couple hours to work on other thing. I have to turn in something. I know what I want to say with it, just don't know how to present that.
"There are no right answers or wrong answers today. There are just mindful and less mindful answers. The more thought you put into you response to the world, the better the reaction will be." -Holiday Mathis (Capricorn, 6/6/13)
I do not know what I do not know.
One down, one to go. And my student assistant left me granola bars again:)
Oh wow, one of my favorite bands is reuniting for a show on the same night I have tickets to something else. Guess I can leave at intermission, there is a direct bus between the two venues, or maybe they'll play last, in which case I can go to both.
"There are no right answers or wrong answers today. There are just mindful and less mindful answers. The more thought you put into you response to the world, the better the reaction will be." -Holiday Mathis (Capricorn, 6/6/13)
I do not know what I do not know.
One down, one to go. And my student assistant left me granola bars again:)
Oh wow, one of my favorite bands is reuniting for a show on the same night I have tickets to something else. Guess I can leave at intermission, there is a direct bus between the two venues, or maybe they'll play last, in which case I can go to both.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Someone mentioned chocolate
Video presentations in a hour and then that's done. Someone mentioned there'd be chocolate. Final tomorrow. Rehearsal tonight. Need to work on action, definitely have all the lines down, have varying ideas of why I'm saying them. We have two hours to run it. Someone on the bus last night inspired me to write haiku again, but my mind's been pretty blank since I stepped off of the bus. Ride was weirder than usual. (I no longer have the crush, but he was the best thing in the movie.)
My other two classes are full now, so definitely running. Five more weeks until I face what scares me the most. (And if I make it through that, maybe everything else will seem easier to face by comparison.) I should take some time off in July, the last two weeks I'm in class 22 hours/week (split over 5 days.)
I should have waited to eat lunch, people keep offering me food.
Ugh. So far to go. Don't know how to proceed. And I still don't know what to do for the collage. I feel like the expectations are really high, and I don't want to be lame. I am often in this same spot.
My other two classes are full now, so definitely running. Five more weeks until I face what scares me the most. (And if I make it through that, maybe everything else will seem easier to face by comparison.) I should take some time off in July, the last two weeks I'm in class 22 hours/week (split over 5 days.)
I should have waited to eat lunch, people keep offering me food.
Ugh. So far to go. Don't know how to proceed. And I still don't know what to do for the collage. I feel like the expectations are really high, and I don't want to be lame. I am often in this same spot.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Picture
Feeling more centered today. Should do my homework before class. I'm now seeing a figure in the middle of the picture in my last post. Ancestral? Spirit? We had visited some ruins earlier in the day, across the road and up a hill. An older culture definitely lived there before. There was nothing ominous about that day (well, the peal of thunder), so I don't think it's a bad thing. It was a beautiful visit. My eyes are probably playing tricks on me. (Face, top, middle. Eyes looking directly at viewer.)
It's almost incomprehensible to me how I am not just passing this class, but pre-final, am carrying an "A." Or how I know some of the past tense of verbs...I did study those quite a bit for the mid-term, but we haven't used them since then. Not complaining, I just sometimes feel like an idiot in class.
Thank God! The phone call went well. Such a relief!
The weather is perfect right now, 75 degrees and sunny with a nice, solid breeze flowing thru. I took a short walk to return some equipment, and now I have the window open (I'm lucky enough to have a window.)
It's almost incomprehensible to me how I am not just passing this class, but pre-final, am carrying an "A." Or how I know some of the past tense of verbs...I did study those quite a bit for the mid-term, but we haven't used them since then. Not complaining, I just sometimes feel like an idiot in class.
Thank God! The phone call went well. Such a relief!
The weather is perfect right now, 75 degrees and sunny with a nice, solid breeze flowing thru. I took a short walk to return some equipment, and now I have the window open (I'm lucky enough to have a window.)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Too much stress
So stressed-out right now, feel like all of my energy is bound up in my head and my chest ready to shoot out of my mouth at any moment. Will be so glad when this week is over. Deep breathing, not helping. Pre-emptively apologizing to people in my vicinity, and trying very hard to control myself outwardly. Did get the voice-over written and recorded, and my classmate completely understood my stress, which is a relief: she wouldn't have taken it personally, like I don't take hers personally. That's a nice place to arrive at. (But I'm still high-strung right now. Maybe I should go sit against a big tree, or in a forest.) Have dealt with garbage, paying rent, kitchen was cleaned up, sink was repaired, old tv hauled away, lawn mowed...now the last painful phone call to get thru due to communication planets being misaligned for me last week. Need to face up to it and get it over with.
(Late evening, at a lake outside Helsinki, watching the sun's fire extinguish one more time, before leaving for home. July 2012.)
When I walk outside, the sun is warm, and a flock of swallows sweeps between the buildings, sensed only by their chirping, reverberating against the stone. Then. Silence.
 |
| Last night in Finland/L Herlevi 2012 |
(Late evening, at a lake outside Helsinki, watching the sun's fire extinguish one more time, before leaving for home. July 2012.)
When I walk outside, the sun is warm, and a flock of swallows sweeps between the buildings, sensed only by their chirping, reverberating against the stone. Then. Silence.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Lawn mowing now
Had a really nice reality check earlier today, reminding me that who I am has value. Reminding me to stop thinking I can become someone (or even should want to become someone) he would notice. A sanity check.
Still trying to break through a solid creative block for a project that's due later this week. Still need to study the Finnish for the final, probably homework, too. And write the voice-over, but that section is pretty short, under 3 minutes. Our video, after the editing we did today, is just over 9 minutes, and then the extra goofy minute which we may or may not use. Need to find a kimono, too (for the theatre class.) Now, I'm gonna go mow the lawn which is pleased with itself, healthy, and tall (visited my garden earlier as well, totally overgrown, not sure when I can do anything about that.)
I love this song, (not related to this post, I watched it yesterday when I was spending too much time on youtube. It reminds me of another friend.) Sade, By Your Side http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8QJmI_V3j4
Whatever it was that I cut with the lawnmower did not smell particularly nice. Usually, I like the scent of fresh-cut grass.
Still trying to break through a solid creative block for a project that's due later this week. Still need to study the Finnish for the final, probably homework, too. And write the voice-over, but that section is pretty short, under 3 minutes. Our video, after the editing we did today, is just over 9 minutes, and then the extra goofy minute which we may or may not use. Need to find a kimono, too (for the theatre class.) Now, I'm gonna go mow the lawn which is pleased with itself, healthy, and tall (visited my garden earlier as well, totally overgrown, not sure when I can do anything about that.)
I love this song, (not related to this post, I watched it yesterday when I was spending too much time on youtube. It reminds me of another friend.) Sade, By Your Side http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8QJmI_V3j4
Whatever it was that I cut with the lawnmower did not smell particularly nice. Usually, I like the scent of fresh-cut grass.
Sunday morning
Robin singing, at a distance now. I think the morning song is slightly different than the evening one. Maybe I should record it.
Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the editing software to work correctly, I could only get a 90 minute room reservation because everything is booked up today, all projects are probably due this week. It's the last week of the quarter. Still have to write, do, the voice-over.
I dreamt I had rented a room somewhere in Idaho, and if that didn't work out I was gonna go to Salt Lake City. Then as I was finishing packing up, I realized that I had neither given notice where I had been living, nor actually told anyone at the place in Idaho that I was moving in (though, there must have been some agreement: I had already moved stuff in.) I also hadn't actually told anyone, except perhaps my mother, I think she rode in the car with me, and I was trying to figure out how and when to do that. I was leaving that night, it appeared to be winter. An anxiety dream? I think it involved cheaper rent or something.
Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the editing software to work correctly, I could only get a 90 minute room reservation because everything is booked up today, all projects are probably due this week. It's the last week of the quarter. Still have to write, do, the voice-over.
I dreamt I had rented a room somewhere in Idaho, and if that didn't work out I was gonna go to Salt Lake City. Then as I was finishing packing up, I realized that I had neither given notice where I had been living, nor actually told anyone at the place in Idaho that I was moving in (though, there must have been some agreement: I had already moved stuff in.) I also hadn't actually told anyone, except perhaps my mother, I think she rode in the car with me, and I was trying to figure out how and when to do that. I was leaving that night, it appeared to be winter. An anxiety dream? I think it involved cheaper rent or something.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Recommended for me on you tube
I'm wasting time on youtube. For some reason this has been recommended for me:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzt0cXdUW3k 8 odd sounds from other languages...probably related to a voice class I took last fall.
And that last #9 sound he makes seems almost impossible for me to try to replicate, makes me hurt in places in my head I can't really put a finger on.
Okay, one final attempt to watch Prizzi's Honor. (Each time I try to watch it, I make it one more scene in before falling asleep, and then wake up when they try to kill each other at the end. Every time. Have no idea what happens in the middle.)
And that last #9 sound he makes seems almost impossible for me to try to replicate, makes me hurt in places in my head I can't really put a finger on.
Okay, one final attempt to watch Prizzi's Honor. (Each time I try to watch it, I make it one more scene in before falling asleep, and then wake up when they try to kill each other at the end. Every time. Have no idea what happens in the middle.)
Afternoon
Well, the editing software that we have on the computer doesn't seem to want to let us do fine enough cutting, so we might have to find some other software to edit on. The good part is that we got the super rough edit done, and it's in the order we want (but at 17 minutes, too long, and with another rough cut we can cut the time at least by half, some shots I only want a couple seconds of.) The other good part was the bad stuff was hilarious and I really needed to laugh. (We probably don't need to keep the last segment in, but it is oddly a very Finnish moment.) Then I went and used another one of the prescription massages, and came home and dealt with the garbage, getting a shard of glass in my hand in the process, it bled a lot, so hopefully won't get infected. My former housemate left a very long and convoluted message on my answering machine, at one point talking about skateboarding past my house last night. That actually made me laugh, too. I need to reserve space for the editing again. (And I didn't realize how much I talk like a valley girl until I watched the video or that my voice tone in Finnish is totally different than when I speak in English. Guess I write like a valley girl, too.)
The traffic slows, the light fades and the robin sings its evensong.
The traffic slows, the light fades and the robin sings its evensong.
In a funk, venting
Been in some lousy funk all week. Woke up, still there. I don't think it's depression, just all the stress and facing up to reality and then mixed with others peoples' stress everything has just sorta' built up badly. At home the kitchen is disgusting (dirty dishes piled up for over a week), the bathroom's disgusting (but I'm hoping the mess means the bathroom sink was repaired, I've been asking them to fix the leak for 2 years, there's mildew everywhere, so if it was, I can deal with the mess, though I'm afraid to touch anything) and someone dumped their garbage everywhere, so I'll have to go clean it up, and I don't want to. I should get out of here and go for a long walk. Have to edit later, too. (The house stuff is typical roommate issues, but still, I don't want to deal with it. I want them to be responsible adults.)
Yes, moving should be an option, and I look now and again for something I can afford, that is close enough to work, or on bus lines where I can go out and do stuff at night and still get home. Rents in this city are ridiculous. And I don't want to live in another city. I like this city, and since I'm a generalist, skill wise, my opportunities for a living wage job are higher in a city than somewhere else. I saw someone advertising studios for over $1,000 (or you can live in a parking spot size apartment for $600). They justify it by saying the apartments have "great amenities," but when your take home pay is less than $2000/month, not really affordable, especially not with first and last. I don't think you should have to spend half your salary for a decent roof over your head. And if you have to work two jobs to pay the rent (I don't currently, but lots of people do, and I have in the past), who has time for amenities? I think the idea is that you should only be spending 1/4 to 1/3 of your salary on rent. If you were working full-time, making somewhere over minimum wage, your take-home pay would only be around $1280/month. I know in some places, that's a lot of money, but the cost of living here is high, transportation, food (in recent years, we were one of the most expensive cities for groceries in the US), utilities, rent, are all high, and that's if you don't get sick, 'cos health-care costs are really high. (Even with health insurance, I'll probably still be paying off my doctor bills from this past winter into the fall. And the throat's not better.) And for societies to thrive you need all types of workers, not just tech workers. And all those lower wage workers need to live here, too. There are other good qualities that people have that benefit a neighborhood or a city besides wealth. It's just frustrating when shared-housing is torn down to build "luxury" apartments, where are all those displaced people supposed to go? Not a new problem. Seems to be accelerating again.
Here's the idea of balance again. Life should be about more than just trying to survive. I think we are here, alive, for more than that. And sometimes I feel like I'm wondering when I can breath again (financially). Though maybe I'm alone in stressing about money. (And yes, I could pay my bills off before I take classes, but classes keep my hope alive that things could get better. And learning, expanding my life makes me feel good about myself and about life in general. And I'm starting to doubt that I will ever get my bills paid off. And I was gonna go to grad school to get a better job, but the debt freaked me out.) I apologize for this post. Getting new bills in the mail really stresses me out. I'll figure something out and get over it.
Yes, moving should be an option, and I look now and again for something I can afford, that is close enough to work, or on bus lines where I can go out and do stuff at night and still get home. Rents in this city are ridiculous. And I don't want to live in another city. I like this city, and since I'm a generalist, skill wise, my opportunities for a living wage job are higher in a city than somewhere else. I saw someone advertising studios for over $1,000 (or you can live in a parking spot size apartment for $600). They justify it by saying the apartments have "great amenities," but when your take home pay is less than $2000/month, not really affordable, especially not with first and last. I don't think you should have to spend half your salary for a decent roof over your head. And if you have to work two jobs to pay the rent (I don't currently, but lots of people do, and I have in the past), who has time for amenities? I think the idea is that you should only be spending 1/4 to 1/3 of your salary on rent. If you were working full-time, making somewhere over minimum wage, your take-home pay would only be around $1280/month. I know in some places, that's a lot of money, but the cost of living here is high, transportation, food (in recent years, we were one of the most expensive cities for groceries in the US), utilities, rent, are all high, and that's if you don't get sick, 'cos health-care costs are really high. (Even with health insurance, I'll probably still be paying off my doctor bills from this past winter into the fall. And the throat's not better.) And for societies to thrive you need all types of workers, not just tech workers. And all those lower wage workers need to live here, too. There are other good qualities that people have that benefit a neighborhood or a city besides wealth. It's just frustrating when shared-housing is torn down to build "luxury" apartments, where are all those displaced people supposed to go? Not a new problem. Seems to be accelerating again.
Here's the idea of balance again. Life should be about more than just trying to survive. I think we are here, alive, for more than that. And sometimes I feel like I'm wondering when I can breath again (financially). Though maybe I'm alone in stressing about money. (And yes, I could pay my bills off before I take classes, but classes keep my hope alive that things could get better. And learning, expanding my life makes me feel good about myself and about life in general. And I'm starting to doubt that I will ever get my bills paid off. And I was gonna go to grad school to get a better job, but the debt freaked me out.) I apologize for this post. Getting new bills in the mail really stresses me out. I'll figure something out and get over it.
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