Late, can't sleep

In a case of life imitating art again, I have a painful blister on the back of my tongue, not sure what to do about it, gargled with Co-Q10 mouthwash and am hoping for the best.  Why life imitating art?  Well, because my revenge/poisoning task for class wasn't to kill anyone, it was just to give someone mouth and facial sores to ruin a photo shoot. (I wouldn't really do it, you just have to push things out to the extreme for the tasks...makes me feel a little whiny.  It hurts.)  I told another housemate about it, he thought I seemed conflicted just in the telling of it.  I just finished reading that section in the Bill Esper book, should look at it again (about choosing a task.)  Set up a couple of chair exercises too, I want to start doing them again, and they are both with people I haven't worked much with this quarter.  I want to break through my emotional "lid" (or at least crack it) before winter quarter starts, all the work builds on the ability to react truthfully in the exercises and I don't feel I'm there yet.

I've done next to nothing the last couple of days, which is nice.  I bought coffee and vitamins today, and then half-watched the Apple Cup, did some script work, and went over to a friend's house.  I'm wide awake now because the coffee was late in the day (and my tongue hurts...Hey Universe! It was imaginary!) 

Here are a couple of pictures of Belltown (formatting is goofy, I'm not sure whom the artist of the painting is):

Belltown parking/L. Herlevi 2013



Artwork in Bedlam/L. Herlevi 2013

Thanksgiving

Was feeling a little lonely, not being with family (saw family last weekend) so went to the grocery store because I wanted to be around people; it was packed.  Starbucks was open as well.  Came home and made an apple pie to share with my housemate who felt like she wanted a pie.  Got a little lazy with the top crust, a little ugly, but it tastes fine.  Think I'll make truffles and go over my script a few more times.  (That's what the ganache was for, it's not really poisoned, though in retrospect, woulda' been better if I hadn't poured off cocoa butter in my panic.  Still tastes good, just harder to work with.)  I'm going to a post-Thankgiving shin dig tomorrow night, so it's fine.  I just don't like being alone on holidays.  We used to do an "orphan" Thanksgiving at my old house, but it's been awhile.

Thankful for my family.  Thankful for how beautiful today was.  Thankful that someone will eat my cooking (that I have people to share it with.)  Thankful the store was open.  Thankful that I live in a city with the best radio station (KEXP) and a great video store.  Thankful that I got into this acting program, and with the people I'm with this year.  Thankful that the sky is clear and the stars are out.  Thankful for friends.  Thankful for my colleagues at work.  Thankful that my walk to work every day fills up my senses.  Thankful that I like to cook.  Thankful for books.  Thankful for music.  Thankful that I can sing again after how much it hurt earlier this year.  Thankful that my foot has been better.  Thankful for encouragement and inspiration.  Thankful for the things my sister has gifted me with this year.  Thankful for having the courage to scare the shit out of myself this year and push out my boundaries of what I felt was safe and comfortable.  (Thankful for the people I shared those experiences with, it meant more because they were there with me.)  Thankful that I'm laughing (a whole lot) more.  Thankful for the person who continues to push my buttons and makes me look at myself and become a better person (maybe that's all it is, but that's a gift in any life.)  Thankful that my heart is more open now than a year ago.  Thankful for being alive at this moment and place.

Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope you feel blessed in your life.

Pie/L Herlevi 2013

Wednesday

Picked up William Esper's The Actor's Art and Craft from the library during my lunch break and started reading it.  And in spite of the struggles with Meisner training, I feel remarkably lucky and grateful that I have landed where I am now.  Someone just asked me how I ended up doing this (I had told her about the ganache yesterday, and why I had been making it) and you know, a year ago, I didn't even know this was an real option for me.  I don't remember what I wanted a year ago, my life has changed dramatically (sorry, couldn't come up with a better word) in the past eleven months.

Later, another colleague and I got into a discussion about Meisner.  She had actually studied at the same school, with the same instructor, different program.  She has a very level head on her shoulders and it was good to talk to her.

On the eve of Thanksgiving, I'm am thankful for my colleagues, they are a thoughtful (as in think about things), and compassionate bunch.  It was a colleague's last day and I'm sorry for not saying good-bye it was beyond my ability.  You always treated me as an equal and I am forever grateful.  Hopefully, we will meet again out in the world, on a more even plain.

Control

Woke up at 4 am, panicking that I had spent all of my money on clothes and couldn't pay rent; took a while to remember that the clothes buying was actually in a dream and not real.  Thinking about it now, they were like Italian clown outfits...interesting.  If I'm going to be up this early, I should start meditating again; has fallen by the wayside as of late.

I got some advice on how to drop into the situation before entering (it's been a problem.)  I'll try finding a quiet space I guess, nerves and noise have preventing me from focusing (she suggested going out on the stairwell.)  The nerves and distractions will always be there, and when I'm better at this, hopefully, I'll be able to block them out enough, but I'm not there yet.  Meditation would probably help, too (at being able to hold a focus regardless of what else is happening, before entering.)  And I think that why my set up didn't work last night was that even though the situation I created wasn't exactly true, it was too close to a memory for me.  I also realize that I didn't think out far enough what I knew for certain about my partner.  It was there, but I hadn't thought about what it meant, and I needed to; the task and the relationship with my partner/what I knew about him/our past were definitely at odds emotionally. 

And I need to figure out what this emotional lid is all about, not only am I not reacting strongly (and trusting the ability to be able to say whatever came up-and I knew absolutely there was no barrier or lack of safety with three of the partners because I'd worked with them so much; and very little in the way with the other two, mostly that I hadn't worked enough with them to read what was going on.)  But it's not even coming up into the realm of possibility to say those things, or feel them...why is there a lid on having them affect me?  I was only able to really let one of my partners affect me deeply (I couldn't stop laughing, which was a spontaneous reaction, which is what we are going for), two others had moments, and two were really hard.  And those were emotional states, not words...words just aren't coming up.  I should do more exercises just using noises, super uncomfortable place for me.  A lot of it has to do with control and a fear of what happens when all hell breaks loose (and my immediate memory is of a lot of scary shit happening-and I've had my share, instinctively, I just don't want anymore, and that's getting in the way), but creativity also happens there; and trying to control the outcome also blocks the creativity.  Again, this is the safest place I'm ever gonna have to let go of the need to control...and again, easier said then done.  A very old habit.  Nothing progresses without an element of chaos.  And fear of the shit that happened in my past is shutting me down from acting/reacting to what's really going on now.

Tuesday night

So, I did a revenge task, but I must have been too conflicted...I didn't feel bad about it...and I have no intention or desire to get back together with person (ex-boyfriend.)  Maybe the situation was too close to the truth, though I hadn't intended it to be, just pushing out the kernal of truth, though in retrospect, not far enough.  When I had thought it was about someone else, she mentioned it should destroy the chances of something they really wanted, and I thought that's what I was doing: it was something he would want.  Now my question is: How imaginary is imaginary?

My mess this morning involved a separated ganache.  I looked online and the first answer involved precise temperatures and candy thermometers, ahhh, that wasn't gonna happen.  At the very bottom was the tip "add a tablespoon of cold cream" which I did 2x, but it was helped mostly by sitting there and letting the cocoa butter solidify, then voila, it recombined.  Maybe I'll take the rest to a party, can't remember how long it's good for.

Gonna try to read the script mechanically and write it out once before falling asleep.  Very close to falling asleep.  We weren't all that physical tonight, though perhaps waking up at 4 am has something to do with it.

The nice thing about being this exhausted (mentally as well as physically and emotionally) is that a lot of the things I cared about earlier in the day no longer matter to me.  They are what they are, and I might as well see them as such and not how I want them to be.  I'm an outer planet, I receive the sun's warmth but I'm not in the inner circle.  Not sure if that's good or bad, though I imagine it would depend on who's perspective: from mine, it's probably a good thing.

Last task for quarter?

Feeling slightly frantic, even without any caffeine.  Woke up early (4:30-ish) to make something for my task, it initially went disastrously, but somehow benefitted from being ignored for a while.  Will make it work.  Not sure if I should finish the prep or just use that as part of my task.  (There's plenty to do.)  Really need to get on a normal sleep cycle; although, I prefer doing the big projects when no one else is up: I can make a huge mess and not be in anyone's way.  And I really did.

I am in a void.  Incommunicado.  Will have to come up with the answers on my own; sending messages over a cliff that never get received, or if received, they are not getting answered.  It shouldn't work this way, but will make the decisions because they have to be made.  It feeds into my desire to control the outcome...I'll wait a little longer.  I'm trying to break that and my need to take responsibility for everything.

The sun has finally burned through the thick, cold fog.  Snow in the forecast next week; all the way down to sea level.  Anything can happen between now and then, still should clean up the old hiking boots.

Monday

No visibility near my house, was glad to drop the car off and to no longer have to drive.  Was in an extraordinary good mood by the time I got to work (and also with an extraordinarily bad back ache, not affecting my mood as of yet.)

I think I've found my "tribe" again.  When I was a kid, I ran cross-country, I wasn't any good at it (I think I've mentioned this before) but I enjoyed the people: it was my tribe.  (And those people that I saw recently and didn't want to leave?  Those were the same people.)  And I think this is too.  I only hope I'm a better actress than a runner...I didn't care about running, I tried to, but it wasn't my passion.  I do care about this.  It might seem weird to just include myself, and I hadn't actually given it much thought, but my sister said something to that effect when I saw her on Saturday.  And that rings true for me.  If I'm not able to do it in the exercises yet, I feel like most of the time, when I'm doing the work, especially the chair work, I'm able to be completely myself.  I'm still an introvert and a bit of an outsider (and those go together for me-I'm not really good at the group thing), but I'm comfortable enough to be myself from the deep to the stupid and deeply flawed.  I hope we're all back in the winter.

Too much

Too little time,  Not much to say. 

I feel really tense, I can feel it in my spine.  One of the housemates is becoming more and more of a nightmare to live with.  When I walked up to the house, the air smelt heavy of gasoline and there were food scraps strewn in the yard (which will attract rats), and he rips up the messages that the landlord leaves for all the tenants...not appropriate.  Will have to ask people not to smoke in the back until the gas clears. 

We started on scenework tonight.  So we now have to make appointments with that partner as well as the one from this week's exercise.  Exercise partner and I need to come up with a relationship and I need to find the time to get the stuff for my task, and make it.  We're stretching this week's exercises over a more than two classes, so conceivably I could wait, but I can't really count on it.  I didn't have a point of view on our last moment or our relationship...that's true enough.  I am conflicted in that I feel like I'm "acting" if I bring that in, and use that to color how I react to partner.  How can I explain that better?  I feel like doing that wouldn't be responding to my partner as me (the person in the room) but rather as a character I've put "on" me.  Can we do that?  This is so confusing to me now.  But whichever, I'm feeling lost and unanchored on stage, kinda' like I did in scene study class if I didn't have a specific physical task to do.  I feel like a lump.  I think I'm making the relationship too ambiguous and that might be part of my problem.  When he kissed me, I wasn't sure how to react, because I hadn't really thought the whole thing out, so not sure if I should be bothered by it or not.  I was coming into the room to let him know that I was leaving.  I should pick his brain on how he balances everything (task, relationship, last moment.)

I guess I don't know how to carry all the imaginary circumstances and still react as "me" to whatever my partner is giving me.  Since the circumstances are "imaginary" not actual, how can that affect my reactions?  There was a transition in class, and it's blurry for me about where we are; when we do chair work, it's the two people sitting there reacting to each other, nothing else affecting that. When we do the exercises, we are more than just that...how much more?  This is where I'm stuck.  This confusion is why I'm dropping out (of the moment, not the class.)  I am reacting as me or...?  I don't even no how to ask the question, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm stuck there.

This exercise in reading the text in a monotone, without punctuation or capitalization or inflection, is exhausting.  Makes me feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.  Will have to figure out a better way of breathing for it, I feel like with every syllable I'm pushing out a lot of breath, like panting.  On the bright side, I understand it.

It's no longer Sunday.  Should return the car.

Where is our worth?

Happy.  Saw family for lunch.  Spent most of the day driving, took an alternate road home, and missed out on a traffic jam.  Beautiful sunset, if far too early (4 pm.)

I was thinking while driving, deciding to stand up for myself against the voices in my head. Yes, I'm bad with money (I give it away so easily), I am horribly disorganized, and I often drag my feet to change.  Those things are true.  But it's also true that if I love you (and oftentimes, even if I don't) I will go to the carpet for you; I look at the world; I listen, I'll listen to you, I'll hear you; I've got a big heart; I'm compassionate; I give a damn about the underdog; I'm funny; I'm interesting; I look at the big picture; I'm usually (not always, I'm human) fair; I try to see the good in other people; I'm intelligent; and I'm willing (sometimes grudgingly) to change my mind. 

I mention this because I've valued my (lack) of money over what I do offer, thinking all other qualities were inferior.  And while I hate not having money, that might always be the case, and my value as a human being who adds something to the world can't be dependant on that, or I'll never have value.  And it's cruel to judge myself and hold myself back based on only that when I wouldn't do that to someone else.  We all have worth simply by the fact that we exist.

Just a thought.

Thinking about writing

Curled up in the chairs in the common area, and in between napping, I re-read the Natalie Goldberg pages from Writing Down the Bones.  Talking about her years of journals which she allowed a friend to read.

"I've been reading your notebooks all weekend.  They are so intimate; so scared, insecure for pages, then suddenly they are not you-just raw energy and wild mind.  And now here you are - Natalie - in the flesh, just a person.  It feels so Funny."  I feel good because I don't care that she sees how I really am.  I'm glad.  I want someone to know me.  We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves; we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us...We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say.  It is true that when we begin anything new, resistances fly in our face.  Now you have the opportunity to not run or be tossed away, but to look at them black and white on paper and see what their silly voices say...If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. - Artistic Stability from Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg.

It's a strange feeling to know that anybody at all reads this.  Sometimes I get self-conscious, worry about being judged, worry even more when I think about censoring myself for fear of what people might think of me...and then I write anyway, whatever happens to come out of my head and through my fingers.  Sometimes it makes me cringe, but I'll leave it up anyway.  It was truth at the moment, if nothing else.  Sometimes when you sift through all the compost (as she calls it) something unexpected emerges.  Those moments are always worth it.