End of the year

Twenty-five minutes to midnight.  I can hear fire crackers going off around the neighborhood.  The sky is clear, and even with the moon in the center of it all, lots of visible stars, somehow echoing back the sparkling frost that formed on the car, the ice on the ground.

Feeling loved, inspired, and grateful.  Not bad for New Year's Eve.  Don't think I'll stay up.

It's enough.

I'm enough.

More owls

My co-worker commented on the owl sweater (I'd changed for the T-Rex sweater, I call it that because the arms are a strange length, and makes me feel like I have T-Rex arms when I wear it; actually, otherwise, just a very warm, gray sweater) asked if I was wearing it because of the owl.  I guess she'd seen another one having a territorial battle with a Cooper's hawk, during her lunch break today.  I missed that one.  She said it was a Barred owl.  That would be the third species of owl we've encountered around work lately (we'd earlier both seen the Saw-whet owl.)  Pretty good bird viewing location.  Makes me second guess my id of the other one, but it definitely didn't sound like the Barred owl vocalizations.

Got half a page written.  Writing brought up goofy things we do.  Years ago, after I'd first moved back to Seattle, my date was walking me home from a party (because it was late) and I was dragging my feet, even though he was going to eventually see where I lived.  I'd actually met him at a party there months before, but don't think he remembered, and then met him again at work.  I don't know why I thought that mattered, but I did.  I don't think he remembered, but I was embarrassed about it for some reason.  Love and dating bring out all sorts of irrational tendencies.  I can definitely use more of that...those things make perfect sense to us in the moment, but seem odd from the outside.  I'll play with it and see if it goes anywhere.  I've narrowed it down to "miscommunication" or "mistaken identity," for some reason I'm drawing a blank, but I have it written down somewhere.  (Our themes are either love or superstition/luck, the show is on Friday the 13th.)

Tomorrow is the 31rst.  As lame as it might seem, my favorite thing to do on New Year's Eve is to clean, and get rid of stuff I no longer want or need so as to start the year off with a clean(er) slate.  That said, am going to at least one party, an early one, which is a book launch for someone I haven't seen in a long time. She doesn't live here anymore, and I'd like to see her.

I suppose my resolutions would be to notice how I'm blocking (and pushing back, especially opportunity, and emotionally) and to work out how to change that, and to figure out this allergy/immune system thing.  For the latter, I'm back on an elimination diet as of January 1.  Actually working with a doctor this time, so I'm hopeful that I can figure something out.

Cheers.

Back to regular time

As opposed to vacation, when I lose track of what day it is.  Was surprised at how crowded it was Downtown when I got off the bus.  I stepped out just on the edge of a break-dancing circle, where a little kid had just been encouraged to have a go at it, all the other guys cheering him on.  Chaos, in a good way.  Made it to the Suzuki drop-in tonight.  I was the only one beside the leader, who was a sub.  It was good.  I'd forgotten a lot of it, and she went over it with me, explaining it in a way that made sense more concretely than it had before.  Helpful.  (Plus, she mentioned that she'd practiced regularly for three years to learn it, and I've only had about nine hours of instruction; her saying that made me feel less inept.)  It's only one hour.  For the first half, my energy was all over the place (because I was trying to remember everything), and by the last bit, I was more focused and centered.  It's just so much to remember (focus, center, movement, stillness, balance, space, etc...) and I was scattered.  And even though it was only an hour, and there was a lot of explanation, my legs are still shaking.  Really need to figure out how to get this in more: it's good for me, it helps me to focus, both my mind and my eyes.  And it keeps me grounded, for that hour, rooted to the earth, instead of being somewhere off in the ether.

Still having trouble with the writing, I just don't have a clue how to write it and the fear of that is keeping me from getting anything done.  I told myself earlier today that I can just free-write for an hour (or maybe it should be shorter, but I can probably write for an hour) around the idea and see if anything comes out of it; removing the pressure of perfection that's always lurking about.  Guess I'll do that now.

We're having another cold spell.  It does make sense, being winter and all, but I somehow wasn't ready for it.

Post Christmas

and listening to the Clash.  Sliced my finger open on Christmas, bad enough to ask someone to take me to the hospital.  Thankfully, there wasn't much of a wait, even if the care was slightlty questionable (how they dealt with the blood, they didn't look at it, didn't clean it, I pulled off the guaze and they glued it shut.  At least no stitches, though.)  It's been in a splint.  I can take it off tomorrow, I haven't looked at it, but it doesn't hurt, so I'll take that as a good sign.  In the meantime, I can't cook or anything, and I went to get my hair cut this afternoon just so someone could wash it.  (I've been needing to get it cut anyway, so did that too.)  And finally went to DSW to find a pair of dressy shoes so I could send the boots to be repaired.  I'm trying to not be in public too much, it's the middle finger and I appear to be flipping everyone off.  Someone said that at least the bandage looks like a bandage.

I'm typing with one hand.  No writing tonight.  I could probably do the Suzuki exercises, though.  And read a couple plays (Letts.)

I drove back early this morning, just as the sun had risen.  The passing of time did nothing to lighten the day.  The clouds were so heavy, hanging moodily in the forests.  There was no other traffic on the way to the ferry dock, I think I saw three other cars going the same direction the whole time.  (Lots of hawks, though.)

Now it's breaking up enough to allow for views of the stars and a half moon.  Time to stop typing.

Christmas Eve

Spent most of today driving, have a couple more hours to do, but am giving my back a break, and hoping that the rainstorm I just drove the last 45 minutes through passes over before I go back.  Nothing worked out, and I was too late to make the service I was singing at...but, god, it was a beautiful day to drive up to my hometown.  The clouds broke and a raking golden light lit the flooded fields.  Saw eagles, hawks, herons, flocks of snow geese, and trumpeter swans near the road.  Driving through the forest near Deception Pass, the sun raked through the trees, wide rays anointing the highway.  (My brother's dog is still terrified of me.  I won him over last year, now I'll have to start again.  Should've brought him a present.)  Driving back to Seattle, as the dusk set in, fog began rising up from the fields, and then I took a back road to avoid mall traffic (got off of the freeway), and hit the rainstorm just as it got dark, and still there was traffic.  You can drive it in 90 minutes but it took an extra hour in both directions today.  (I couldn't really pull over, so I turned onto this side road, stopped in the middle and shot this through the window.)

Skagit Valley, close to sunset, December 24/L Herlevi 2014

Wishing all many blessings, forgiveness, grace, trust, courage, peace, and above all love.  Merry Christmas!

Sunny Monday Morning

Woke up thinking I was late, but when I checked a clock, it was only 4:30 am.  Caught an early bus, an express to Downtown, one side of the freeway in dark brown monotone, minus the odd string of Christmas lights, the other side where the sun was starting to hit, in color.  Something pleasing and inspiring about the moodiness.  The sun is out now, one day post solstice, minutes of extra light now.  Took a picture of the mountain, mostly flat blue, but on the eastern slopes, a white cloud rising up like steam, slowly brightening from the emerging sun.  All nature seeming distant and moody... feels right.  (Listening to moody 80's music, too...also feels about right.  Makes me happy, in a dreamy kinda' way.  Everything seemed possible...if I can hold the feeling, maybe it will be again.  You can always start again.  And I always seem to have started again in depth of winter.)

Moody, December 22/L Herlevi 2014

Went to an Appalachian Christmas concert last night, I arrived a little late, so got seated in the back by the soundboard...if I ever buy tickets again (currently using up all of my comps from working last year), that's what I'll go for: the sound was great.  Ran into a friend during intermission, he commented on what it must be like to grow up in a musical family, where people sit around and play music together.  Made me think of the Sanford Meisner statement that it takes 20 years to be an actor, and how it's just doing the thing that you do until it's so much a part of you, that you can express what you want through whatever media you are using (dance, painting, singing, playing an instrument, sculpture, writing, whatever.)  Time and practice.  Practice.  Practice.  Love.  Desire to do it that over rides any disappointments or set backs.  (Also, just being surrounded by a community that supports you in that.)

Finally went to the Frye yesterday as well.  I got side-tracked (and soaked) on Saturday, so hung around the house most of the day.  Joined a docent tour, which was cool for the other exhibit, Pan Gongkai, but I always like to hear what other people see when they look at art.  Read a bunch of short plays about dating (which had up to seven characters in them), and wrote about the order I want the characters to enter, where I want them on stage.  Need to figure out the game, still.  And I have a lot to get done before Christmas...maybe the car rental place will let me get the car early, they do sometimes, because it makes their lives easier when it's busy.

Happy Solstice! 

Waiting for the store to open

It's early.  Listening to the rain pound on the roof, it's the only sound I can hear.  Went to a show last night, fell asleep again, during the last number.  Have no idea what was going on, some sorta' musical thing; had been generally enjoying it up to that point, too.  Maybe I was having a sugar crash; we had a party at work earlier in the day, and there'd been a lot of desserts.  Then I was tired walking to the bus, on the bus, and I'm still tired, though not enough to sleep anymore.  I need to get up and write, and I'm waiting for the grocery store to open (7 am.)  Have a lot to get done, took off an extra day after New Year's to try to get this thing written before we get a coaching session.  Will watch more comedy sketches and read more comedy writing before now and then.  Gonna try to get some sorta' outline down on paper today.

When I returned a play yesterday, I was wandering around the stacks looking for Tracy Letts' plays (he writes women characters in my age range) for monologues, and came across a Suzuki book.  When I checked it out, I found out there was a DVD included, which I'm hoping shows the exercises so I can practice them, and have them more solid for drop-in sessions.  That's due back next week.  I didn't think there was any such thing, so I'm excited that there is, and that it was available in the library.  (I love that library, access to it is my favorite job benefit.)

Twenty minutes.  I wonder if I have enough time to go to a museum today?  I want to go see the show at the Frye before it closes, it's open for two more weeks.  It was curated over social media, people voted for what they wanted to see in the show.  I'm curious about what's in it, but I had read that the top choices of the masses rose to a higher common denominator (which isn't always what we're led to expect will happen.)  That whole concept of crowd decisions is interesting to me.

So, much to get done before the holiday.

Waiting.

Rain still falling.  Sun not yet risen.

No reason

Woke up late, after 7 am.  Didn't realize it had been raining, and wore the boots with the bad soles...too late to go back and change them by the time I got outside, tried to avoid standing water, but the duct tape had worn through, and my socks were soaked by the time I got to work.  Missed the first bus.  Second bus got stuck in traffic, was consequently a full half-hour late.  It wasn't just the wet feet, but I must have woken up in a bad mood.  No reason for it.  Yesterday went well.  And tried to take care of everything that was causing me stress today, to get rid of loose ends, but all to no avail, the mood lingered.  Telling myself to look at good things only makes me want to strangle myself, and so I'm glad no one else said that to me.  It doesn't help.  Sometimes you need to acknowledge the foul moods and let them be.  For the most part, I tend toward optimism.  Just not today.  (Really need to get the boots repaired, but I need to find something to wear in the meantime.)

Told my co-worker, you can't take them out on other people, but I was feeling generally pissy.  She drove me to Fred Meyer because we needed to buy a replacement microwave for the break room...the old one kept running even when the timer had rung and you had opened the door.  Couldn't find any online that had universally good reviews, most of them had comments such  as, "I will never buy X brand again."  So, we bought one that was on sale and will hope for the best (i.e., that it doesn't catch on fire, or stop working tomorrow, etc.)

Still have three major things I need to take care of, but will do them in the morning (organizing a moving job, and making some phone calls.)  Oh, and then the writing thing.  I'll probably get some old variety show episodes (Carol Burnett, or something) and see how they work the routines with more than two people on stage.

I stopped by a normally busy Thai restaurant on the way home, there was a seat, so I went in and ate.  I thought it might be slow with most of the students out of town, but there was a line waiting out in the rain by the time I got my food.  There is so much going on, and the space is so tiny, that it overwhelmed my bad mood, so I felt more normal by the time I walked out.  For good measure, I borrowed a bunch of comedies, felt the need to laugh still; and I know these ones make me laugh.  (Have watched How to Marry a Millionaire-Marilyn Monroe cracks me up in that, and The Full Monty, the whole of which makes me laugh/cry at the same time.)

Maybe it's planetary...don't know.  Fingers crossed that it doesn't linger into tomorrow.

Messiness of being

I went to these two performance (second was more a participatory discussion) yesterday.  The first was a dance piece (in progress, I think), followed by a performance of Rimbaud's poetry featuring a dancer, a cellist, and an actor, which I liked quite a bit.  The second had three pieces dealing with identity, authenticity, and belonging, I think, and then the audience broke into small groups to meet with each of the performers (or groups.)  It was to start conversation.  (A lot of the same people were at both.  Two different venues.)

How do you share in someone else's culture without co-opting it?  How do you use any privilege you might have to better things for someone else who lacks it?  Someone implied you needed to act, but acting blindly without knowing what the other wants or needs (paternalism?) can be as bad as doing nothing.  You need to have the courage to ask, "What's wrong?" "What do you need?" "What can I do to help?"  There needs to be a conversation.  How do you start it?

Someone mentioned feeling isolated until they somehow realized other people felt the same way...what takes so long for those conversations to happen?  What's getting in the way?  Why is it not safe to have them?  It reminds me of something I was told about a women's craft co-operative that had recently been started in Costa Rica when I was studying there in college.  Someone said that there had been a lot of domestic abuse, and the extent of it hadn't been known because no one was talking about it (shame? normalizing it?) and then this co-op was started and women started talking to each other and sharing experience, and realizing that it was common, and also, not acceptable, and because they were able to build community, things started to change.

And then someone else mentioned her fear of crowd mentality, and how fast people will join a group, or adapt their behavior to the group. And how we lose (or are perceived to lose) our individuality, or our individual discernment in those situations.  And in a herd (which she studies) that can be a safety move, but what if that group is actively against your best interest or what you know to be right?

And related to that?  Why have so many of us silenced ourselves?  Why have we become afraid to express what we really feel?  We nod our heads in agreement, or say nothing when we should speak up, and I think a part of us dies every time we shut ourselves down.  I'm not suggesting to always be contrary or confrontational, but there are times we should say something and yet remain silent. (To keep the peace, to not rock the boat, whatever.)

And then on a more performance/artistic level, how do you find your authentic voice?  How do you get to the place where you are presenting who you are and not what you think will please an audience, drive tickets sales, make money?  How do you stay true to yourself?  The world probably needs more of that and less of everyone trying to cash in on the flavor of the day.

In the end, the conversation was specific to that space and the art form (dance) and an exclusion people were feeling, though you can feel it in society as well (especially if you find yourself always in the midst of people like yourself, which is easy to do...there was more diversity when I was growing up than there has been since I left home, and I know that has affected me, and I have to actively fight against it.  But you don't resist things you are not aware of.)  I went because I thought it would be thought-provoking, which it was, though I'm not a dancer.  The facilitator commented on that at the end, saying that her husband, a musician, can walk into a store and have other musicians acknowledge him for his work, regardless of the color of his skin, sexuality, beliefs, culture, etc.  Her point being that the music community is more inclusive, more open to experiencing the other, working with each other, etc...so how do the rest of us embrace more of that attitude, and less exclusivity?

Saturday

Listening to "Year Without a Santa Claus" while writing this.  Walked around the lake just now, it was this luminary event the neighborhood does every year.  Technically, it was over, but they hadn't extinguished all the lights, and there were still crowds walking, so I went, too.  Saw a shooting star.  The sky is very clear tonight, the air still, water reflective, and it was in the 40's, so, also not too cold.  A good night for walking the lake.  I actually thought it happened last week, but saw a sign for it this morning.  There was no moon out, so lots of stars.  I sat on a bench for a while and star-gazed, miss being able to see them.  There's usually too much light.

We had our annual concert/Finnish Christmas dinner earlier today (which was why I was late walking the lake), and clown jam right before that.  Added a fourth person to mine, so I'll have to figure out how to write that, as one person said, "Get all the air out of it."  I'm not sure what the game is, and because we added the fourth person, which really changes the dynamic and focus, we just played with it, so I'm not sure where we are.  I'll probably write a couple of versions this week, as some form of outline.  Still working on my personality, too (though, I'm flirting more, so that's progress.)  I need a map.

Earlier today, I walked over to Starbuck's (yeah, yeah, yeah, I frequent many coffee shops) and while waiting in line, I saw that I could get a free $5 gift card with the purchase of that Via instant coffee, so I grabbed some of that, it'll probably save money at some point, I'm often feeling lazy in the morning.  When I got up to the register, the man rung me up, and I asked if he'd charged me for the coffee, and he said someone else had paid most of my bill (via an anonymous gift card.)  I had been meaning to use the gift card to pay for the coffee, but forgot about that, at any rate, since I didn't end up paying for the card, I gave it to the man selling papers outside (I didn't have any cash to buy the paper.)  I didn't really have any plans for it.

Then I went to the grocery store and was looking at Christmas cards and thinking I should write some and send them (before the New Year.)  I walked back on my way out and decided I would splurge for these cards with an odd Finnish-looking character on them.  They didn't say they were on sale, but they rang up for half price.  And then at the Finnish dinner, I paid my way (we always have to pay even though we are hosts, though we get a discount)...a little while later, someone handed my money back to me saying that someone else had wanted to pay for my dinner.  I do always seem to be broke, but I wasn't today.  It was a nice run of that though.

Down to 9 1/2 library books (not counting Dickens) and five movies (there are more now because I stopped by Scarecrow Video on the 2/1 night, you get those for a week.  Oh, the guy gave me a discount on that, too.  I think because he couldn't find one of the movies, and I had to switch it.)  Been kinda' stressed out over everything, was thinking Christmas was this week for some reason, but I was wrong.  The Finnish choir only has one more gig and then we have almost a month off.  The other choir doesn't get any time off (except for the holidays that fall on rehearsals.)

Most of my waking thoughts, and every dream I've had recently have involved theatre somehow.  Got a lot I need to get done, and soon.  Outer commitments are slowing down, but have all that stuff I have to make happen now.  Cheers.

Record high

Went to this birthday party last night: it was fun.  I left early-ish (after 10), but it took over an hour-and-a-half to get home, so I kinda' wish I'd stayed longer.  When I left people had started to either to do a trick, a roast of the birthday lady, or both, and it sounds like a lot more people finally got up.  Initially, people were holding back.  And it was cold waiting for the bus(es), it had been almost 70 degrees in the morning, but had gotten considerably windier and colder by 11 pm.  The first bus, I barely missed and ended up waiting 25 minutes for the next one, which was late and so I missed the second connection and had to wait another 30 minutes for that one.  Went into the all-night grocery store to see if they had coffee or something warm, had to settle for a deep-fried burrito sitting under a heat lamp, for $1, but it killed time.  It's an interesting scene, I haven't hung out in a grocery store late at night in a long time.  Years ago, I kept applying for Denny's waitressing jobs because I wanted to work the graveyard shifts there, because I was interested in the life that happens when everyone else is asleep.  Now, I like sleeping too much.

Anyway...the invitation had asked people to dress up in costume, and normally I have a really hard time with that (coming up with something.)  But I did come up with an idea, and when I thought about it, and also when I was putting it together at home, there was a definite personality to it: a way of speaking, moving, acting.  And while I didn't end up putting the whole thing on at the party, nor pulling off the personality, it did dawn on me how much those choices matter for character.  Also that part of my confusion with my clown is the clothes.  I need more inspiring clothes.  The ones I have don't do anything for me.  They inform nothing.  I just like them, but that's milquetoast.  This is why rehearsal clothes matter, and suddenly I understand that.

Also, someone I was dancing with mentioned that years ago when he had studied clown, they'd "ranked" them, and that had helped with figuring out personality as well.  We didn't do that.  And I tend to run at a lower energy level emotionally, but the character I found last night was probably a five or a six.  (Out of a scale 0-7.)

Enlightening.  Funny what triggers understanding.

Well, that was short-lived

Okay, so I wasn't able to stick to my media fast, I like reading.  (And I have 12 books out from the library, plus three movies...though none of those are "news" related.)

Take a deep breath.  An airing of secrets, a cleansing of corruptions.  I don't want to see retaliation, because that never ends, but there needs to be a reckoning.  People should have to face up to what they did.  There needs to be accountability, or every thing you say you believe in or stand for amounts to nothing.  And until there is accountability, there can be no trust, and we need trust for society to function.

And I can love people who don't think like me, we can disagree.  You can be fully yourself, and hopefully I will also have the courage to do that, by seeing your example of putting yourself out there. (And yet, we are more aligned than not.)  And that that's progress for me right now, there's been a lot of fear living in my head.  (It's just the that courage has been lacking in me, not always the case, it just got dangerous somehow.)  It's the need to always be infallible that keeps a wall up; we could both be right or both be wrong, but neither would tell the whole story of our humanness.  We are all more than one belief or another, or the sum of many.  Again, we need to find common ground, start again, re-create...it's all so volatile.  Where are the cooler heads that can be trusted?

Little bit of free time now

Well, the final audition for the class was today.  I don't feel like I could nail an audition tomorrow, but I do know what I need to do.  Part of it is that on the first day, he said something about forgetting all of your acting choices and finding the driving action, which I tried to do.  I think though, that the point was that I needed to put the acting choices back in on top of the a driving action once I found it, and I didn't really do that.  So, noted.  Also, while I've increased the time I've spent working on monologues and cold readings, it's not nearly enough.  I need to spend more time, make stronger choices, get it memorized early, etc... all good to know.

I really need to find somewhere to study Shakespeare, it's offered here next quarter, but I want to work on solo performance stuff, mostly because it would help with the clown show, and I re-discovered the two-person performance idea I had earlier this fall, and the solo performance class would also be helpful with that (well, that one or play writing.)  Both of those are also being offered.  And right now, I need to look at the clown piece for next Saturday...luckily, no singing gigs this week, though I do have two rehearsals, and a couple of parties.  I'll just have to start getting up earlier, and dedicate some time to it.

Yesterday was suddenly overcome with a fair amount of despair and futility, but got dressed and went to my singing gig, way out in sticks: the moon was lovely, ride over was with people who are good conversationalists, ran into an unexpected friend, someone said I could have dinner even though I hadn't registered (I didn't register because I thought we were singing before dinner, and I wanted to leave after singing, to go work on audition stuff, but we ended up singing after dinner...the people who drove me over had offered to pay for me to stay, but I had earlier turned them down), my voice sounded better to me than usual, (though I don't think that's license to abuse it by belting in a key I shouldn't on a regular basis, still kinda hurts), someone offered to let me spend Christmas with them, and another friend drove me home, way out of her way, probably an extra hour of driving for her...the kindness directed at me (in a non-threatening way) restored me.  Humbles me.  It was what I needed in a way I could accept it, at the right time.  We are answered.  (None of them did it because I was sad, they didn't know.  They did it because it's who they are.)

Friday

Sang at the Figgy Pudding event tonight (a fundraiser for The Pike Market Senior Center and Food Bank.)  Not sure how we sounded, we were a rag-tag choir, all of us responding to an email, using only song sheets, with no music scoring, and only having two rehearsals...but it went okay.  We also had a tuba player who had only recently moved to the US, and so didn't really know our Christmas music, but did a great job of accompanying us anyway.  The rain held off, it got warmer, and the protesters ended up rescheduling the protest to another day, though there might have been something after we left, there weren't any while we were singing.  We left right after we sang to get our stuff out of the office.

My voice is shot.  I am supposed to sing tomorrow night, but I'll have to see if I still can, if I rest it.  A few of the songs were in difficult keys.  I'm not sure how long we sang, but I felt pretty exhausted by the end, not really paying all that much attention to what I was singing, partially that was because it was a lot of singing, and partially it was because my throat really hurt by that point.  (The women near me were saying the same thing...we were trying to sing Jackson 5 versions of a couple of songs, but Micheal could really belt out at quite a high pitch, and even trying to lower the pitch, it was still hard to do.  Probably should have warmed up beforehand.)

I was gonna come home and watch a movie that's due back tomorrow, but went out for a drink with a few of the singers after instead.  Most of us had never met before, but the conversation was great, there wasn't even really small talk, we just dug into it. We hung out for a couple of hours. Unexpected and cool, even if I never see any of them again.  Interesting group of people.  (What we had in common was that we all use car sharing.

Other good things: there was an adorable bull-dog (French, I think), on the bus, and the clouds parted just enough to let me view the full moon right before I walked into the house.

Not reading anything

I'm doing a media fast for a while, not sure how long.  Might write...I don't know.  There's just so much negativity; it makes me feel toxic, like I get angry and stressed out and cornered which isn't conducive for me doing or adding anything useful or helpful or de-escalating into the world.  (And I don't want to spill that over onto the people around me.)  I'm not burying my head in the sand; I'm not staying home.  Gonna go out and listen and try to do something positive and look for ways where I can see the whole world isn't going to hell right now.  I've currently lost faith in humanity.  (Just so much bad news today, so much injustice, so much fear and digging into camps.)  Strings are being pulled somewhere to make us all enemies, someone gains from this, all of the rest of us lose: we lose the ability to be able to trust one another, to have civil discourse, to feel safe in the world, to work for a common good, to have empathy, to see our common humanity, to see good in one another, to have a future where there could be equality, to have a voice in any future (yeah, and some people lose their lives.)

The man sitting next to me on the bus asked how one even begins to address this place where we've arrived at...I don't know.  Protest works until people feel heard, but are those with the means to change anything listening?  (An election would have been a good time to replace them if they are not listening, but the majority didn't feel like it was important enough to vote.)  Some "good faith" effort needs to be offered, or the fear is just gonna keep ratcheting up on all sides until it's out of control.  Things are broken.

Why

I haven't been writing as much as I used to.  Everything I think to write feels so self-indulgent and that it would be boring to anyone else that I just don't say it.  Mostly I started writing the blog to make myself write, and hopefully become better at it over time...and I suppose the act of not writing is counter to that.  I write off-the-cuff, and while editing might make it better, there's also the truth that if I think about it too much, I won't do it at all.

Have been inspired by a photographer I came across yesterday, both in what he's photographing and how he's presenting it.  Something to aspire to in the new year.  I haven't followed through (yet...been busy with other things) on other ideas, so will have to wait to see if this one sticks.  But I've challenged myself, it has to do with urban/wild boundaries/overlap...I've been working on and off with the idea for years, not always successfully, but I'm intrigued by it; mostly I wonder which will win out, and what that would look like.  In a place that's been "re-wilded," what remains?  (At any rate, it's what we've been left with.)

I had a lot going on last year, and not much currently: work, trying to not slide backward on everything I gained (internally) last year, and now working on this show...getting through the mud of life.  Figuring out what's actual as opposed to what I want to see (where it's not.)

If real people (as opposed to spam generators) are actually reading this, thank you.

Putting it out there

Well.  It was good to get the idea on its feet and look at it in reality.  The two clowns that improv'd it with me were great and went places I hadn't imagined...so that was awesome.  There are different parts that need to be fleshed out and explored further, but um...I think it'll work, which is crazy.  Seems it will have text, and I need to decide if my clown speaks, and what that sounds like if I do.  Up to this point, it has been mute for the most part.  Also, I need a personality, and a gender, just because I wear a skirt doesn't mean I have to be female...and I've known that the clown has needed a solid personality for a while, it's just that I actually have to have one now.  Lately, I've been feeling like an old man, but that's probably not right.  Have a week-and-a-half to get direction on that.  The feedback was helpful.  The set up needs to be solid.

There were good ideas all around tonight, I think we will have enough material for the time.  It'll be fun.  I'm glad someone put their foot down and decided we should do this (the clown showcase.)

I was telling someone about the show earlier today, she said if we came up with a good piece she might hire us for an event.

Anyway, I've got to get back to the audition stuff.  I'd forgotten to choose my cold-reading side, and I need to read that through more, as well as work on the Shakespeare.

Only five more scheduled rehearsals until the show...even with an outline now, hardly seems like enough time.

Monday

Yea!  Out of my ridiculous insomnia last night, aside from running monologues, I came up with an idea for our show.  I probably should have just gotten up and written, when I finally fell asleep, my dreams were disturbing.  (Unrelated to the show idea, I think.)  At any rate, exciting that I had an idea, and something to work with, wherever it ends up going.

Another ridiculous week, schedule-wise: four singing gigs (one out of town), a rehearsal, and the final audition thing.

One down.  So much to get done.

Here's a heron, because it showed up and stood there in front of me, earlier.

Great Blue Heron, December 1/L Herlevi 2014

Heron, December 1/L Herlevi 2014