Sunday

Need to get up and start the day. Busy, I won't get home again until after 10 pm. Motivated to shoot photos again lately in a way that I haven't been in a long time. I took a break a while back because I was using it as a crutch and I thought I needed an excuse to "be in the room" and I wanted to let myself participate in life instead of always documenting (mostly other people's lives.) I was actually hoping to find a balance, since I still want to be a storyteller in some way, but I needed to experience first hand and to live my life as well, plus I wasn't progressing with it like I'd hoped I would (the photography) and it started to make me feel desperate as everyone around me grew in bounds and started making money (and taking much better pictures), and I felt left behind.  I'm in a different place now, though I'd still like to sell something, one because it would be kinda' nice to have some validation and two because it's expensive and it would allow me the funds to do more.  I still shoot film and print in a lab, I have a point and shoot digital, but it can't do what the film camera can, and the digitals that can do what I want are still outta' my price range. Yes, I need to get ready for the concert now.

So, I was close on time, 10:05 or so.  A family friend brought my mom to my concert today, she hasn't seen me sing anything since the early 80's.  It was a really nice surprise.  It's a long drive, and I think the friend decided to come at the last minute and asked my mom if she wanted to come too.  And then class went better this week. I didn't cry to the point where I couldn't sing like I did last week.  I didn't tear up during my song, though I did for other people's. I think I was supposed to change "him" to "you" but I forgot, because I was also singing to "Jesus" whom I now had physical contact with, as opposed to him being somewhere else in the space, and that was a lot to think about. (I hadn't been singing to him before, but about him. And as there are no stage directions, it makes sense to sing to him, even if he is asleep.  It is an impossible relationship, given the circumstances. And seriously, I don't know how to let him love me. What would that look like? Feel like? Where could that be? Not where we are.)

And it was fortunate that I kept having to be a gremlin to other singers' circumstances, as my quads are totally seizing up, and if I sit for too long, I can barely get up and walk.  Tomorrow morning will be interesting. Peace.