After class

Am an emotional wreck.  Trying to sing songs I've sung before an can't get through them...seeing if I remember to breath and relax my chest if I can make it all the way through.  It's the music that's wrecking me, I was fine before I started singing.

After class.  Connections between point A and point B too convoluted.  I sorta' knew it'd be a problem walking into it tonight as it was a circumstance I came up with for last Tuesday and I no longer felt connected to it.  No comments on what happened between us, so I guess nothing did.  I don't know what to do with that.  She later said I needed to figure out who I can fight with...maybe family, everyone else has consequences...the ex with the records and I are on okay terms, but for the most part, I can't seem to be able to speak my mind to anyone (except family) and they stay.  I have a friend I can argue with, but it's different, we never blow up on each other, it's never personal.  And the co-dependant trait has me taking responsibility for everything before I let myself blame anyone else (that, and all the messages out there that say I need to take responsibility for my life and everything in it. That you're not supposed to blame anyone for anything.  That you/I need to figure out your/my role in the situation and own up to it...really messes with the mind.  Suppression.)

Anyway, hopefully, Tuesday's will go well.  The chair work was good, I felt like we read each other, and not just the obvious things.  It's nice to get the chair work in before class, then when the exercise comes up, we're still connected.  Hard to do on a weeknight, as I get there right before class starts, because I have to leave from work.

I get home and I look at a picture from childhood and it's like the floodgates that won't open in class break free and I start crying.  I guess it's direct and simple, but when I try to do that in the hallway, nothing works.  I feel like I'm trying to force emotion.  I still haven't figured out what to do before walking on stage/set/whatever...I'm trying to use stuff from class, but I'm no closer to it than I was 8 months ago.  I feel rushed.  I feel self-conscious.  I feel like I missed a memo somewhere that everyone else got...I don't know how to do this (the person B, the one that enters second.  If the action is set up well for person A, I can do that one.)  My emotions and imagination feel like a stubborn child.  So, how do I speak to that child?  I should make one of these last two scenarios happy.  (It's really cold in here, like someone left a window wide open.)

On another bright side, people brought food into class, Spanish and Irish.  The Irish bread was good, and the other temporarily tamed my never ending (somewhat inexplicable) homesickness for Spain.

Peace.