Monday

Just sang a concert with the Finnish Choir.  We sang "courting/marriage" songs.  We had scheduled this last fall.  It went well, especially considering that we just switched directors and hadn't sung these songs much since the summer.  People told me afterward that they enjoyed it.  We only had accompaniment on two of the songs (one piano, one accordion.)  We sang Tuljak toward the end, I hope between the four of us (sopranos), the fast part came out, I know I missed a lot of it.  Someone told me that they appreciated that I looked like I was enjoying myself...I do.  I was watching the video from Finland, it's possible I move around a little much when I sing...but they are dance songs (polkas and waltzes.)  I remembered this morning that I had had some tiffs with people on tour, and we still speak to each other, so I guess I have a few more than my family (related to what I wrote yesterday.)

And for the record, I have not maliciously spoken about anyone in the ensemble (nor the choir) behind their backs.  I am capable of being malicious, I'm not a saint, but I have not done it.  Here, I generally only speak of my own personal growth, struggles and frustrations (exceptions being show reflections, which have at times been opinionated.)  (I worked with someone once, artistically, who would regularly go on rants to all of us, thinking someone in the group had been trying to undermine him, but it was always so vague.  I always ended up feeling guilty.  Feeling accused of something.  Feeling like I needed to apologize to clear the air, even though I never had persecuted him in any way-I don't think anyone in that group had.  He was brilliant, but I was always uneasy around him because of it.  He was never direct, we were always walking on eggshells.  And that was destructive to that ensemble: simmering unspoken accusations, creating mistrust.  All of us being punished for an unspoken wrong.)  I know it's hard to be direct, but that has to come first, in both directions, ie, if you're gonna accuse someone, you should ask them about it, and clear it there first.  Otherwise the vagueness really does breed mistrust.  And you can't be fully open artistically without fully being able to trust that it's safe.  Lack of specificity leaves me feeling accused and less open.

From highs of the concert to lows when I got home.  I spent a half-hour digging through the garbage to try to make space for actual garbage...someone filled the can up with clothing (I'll deal with it later, for now I bagged it up and put it in the entryway; H&M will give you credit for it.)  The problem is, the people I live with seem to only think about themselves, right now, and I always have to clean up after them because they a) live with other people; b) live with other people that might need to use the same space in five minutes.  (I get some money off rent, not really enough, to make sure the house is functioning, so not an option to ignore it.  And doesn't seem to work to keep mentioning it. I just feel like I'm nagging.)  It would be fine if you lived alone, but doesn't work in a group, you have to consider a bigger picture, it creates too much tension if you never do that, ie, people fighting over dirty dishes left in the sink for days or weeks. Ugh.  Haven't built an exercise around that, though I've tried once or twice.  ("Live and let live" is nice in theory, but too much chaos in a living situation becomes a health and a general safety issue.  And I don't want to be held responsible for someone else's damage to the rental house.  It's more than the garbage.)

I've finally scheduled my coaching session.  Have gotten one of the plays down to three possible monologues...I know, just pick one, the world won't end when I do.  And I need to memorize it.  Have not chosen a contrasting piece, but she said to bring something even if I'm not particularly excited about it.  (I don't have a situation for my second half of class tomorrow yet.  Have the first half.  I just emailed my partner about the relationship.)  Still need to get a haircut and schedule the photo session...free time is not something I have much of.  At least I have the resume, she wanted me to bring both. 

Time feels like it's flying by.  The concert was fun, but I'm glad I can check that off the list.  And we have a couple more coming up soon: Kalevala Day and a spring concert.  The other choir is singing in German now, so need to figure out how to pronounce that, too.  Not enough sleep, gonna be a long day.