Too much sleep

I really need to write stuff down.  I felt loved last night, but also the feedback was helpful, and I'd like to remember it, I'll need to figure out how to get back to it.  Also, I've been feeling kinda' superficial, and that I really haven't done anything at all, but maybe I really did wrestle with deep shit over the past year (years, but a lot last year) and maybe that does make a difference even if I can't always tell.  (And I really can't remember now.)  I remember struggling, wrestling, fighting to figure out what I believed was true, as opposed to what anyone around me believed, what I was told was true, when I was younger...and I've revisited it many times.  Things like faith, and God, and spirituality, and what the point of living is, or existence.  What holds me back from life?  And out of 7 billion people, how can it possibly matter that I'm here?  I'd like to believe that it does, but I don't have an answer.

And also as I get older, because it stands out more, learning to let myself follow my own path when most people around me follow a different one (societal hoops we are supposed to all jump through to be "normal.")  And learning not to judge other people's choices, but also realizing that I'm judging myself much harsher on those things than any of the people close to me are.  (That doesn't mean I have less or more worth as a human being, just means our values are different.)  And now finding a community of people that are choosing similar paths outside of the mainstream. There's nothing wrong with the mainstream, it's just never been where I was heading.  I tried, but felt empty.  (Kept trying to go to grad school, but kept burning out, balking.  There's a lot about medicine I'd like to know, because I think it would make me useful in the world, but I can't do med school.)  The things you pursue need to have meaning for you, at your core, when no one else is looking, but you.

I went to the Market and people watched and tried to finish a library book earlier, but the whole time I was thinking I wanted to sleep, so I came home and took a nap.  Need to work on Spoon River stuff, too.  Don't completely understand it, but that's no excuse not to do something.  We need one item of rehearsal clothing for tomorrow.  Have no idea what I have that she would wear.  Modest.  Constricting.  And in her one chance to come back and get something off of her chest, what would that be and to whom would she say it?