Done

A couple things came up tonight in the last class (Alexander Technique, by the way.  I'd like to study it more.)  One is that Meisner didn't necessarily make me more open (it was already there), perhaps it only made me less self-consciously so.  And two, maybe when I had the breakdown in voice class last year, it was a release of pent up chemicals locked up in muscle tightness from a memory dealing with my fear of singing in my actual voice, because I didn't think it was good enough; that it wasn't the voice I would have chosen, but it is what I have and if I can use it to get across what I want to get across, why does it matter?  (There was another issue of being completely accepted and loved and supported in that moment in class that I could not handle.  It was too much at the time.)  Maybe I don't need to fear it, and maybe it wouldn't even matter if it happened again, that there is nothing to fear in it.  Hopefully, as a performer, we/I will be in a room where other people get it.  It happens.  Most of us have stuff just buried, in some ways we're lucky if we can get it out.

And I did sing tonight, because I thought, what the hell, even if most of these people have had vocal training, I still want to sing the best that I can, and if this will help me do that, I don't actually care that I can't sing as good as they can (and they probably don't care either.)  I just want to sing better than I did when I walked into the room.  And I wasn't gonna discover anything if I didn't risk anything, so I did it.  And aside from the AT, everything that went through my mind to get to where I wanted to go made me less self-conscious (nervous) and the sound was better.  And that was probably easier to get to (standing up and deciding to do it) because of Meisner, because we did sing for each other in that class.

Still have a lot to think about, and to process with all the different ways of thinking about the same thing.  I guess the big thing is: there is always (mostly) a choice.