Is ambivalence an enemy?

Not much to say.  Searching for the thing in me, an unmet need (real or perceived) that would make me go beyond logic, to be completely irrational.  Have not found it.  Was not there today.  I think I can start from where I was a week ago, but I need to drop over the edge.  Where is the place where there is nothing left to lose?  Logically, I understand what's going on, but logical is not where these people are at. And they need to be saved by each other.  Two weeks.  I feel so far away from finding the truth and living that right now.  More homework...it needs to break open.  Shatter.

And the fact that we always seem to get shorted on time makes me wonder if I should bother doing the audition.  It's happened with a couple of instructors (certainly not all.) Is this just hopeless?  Because we are performing these though, I'll get it as close to show-able as possible.  Maybe it seems that I'm not taking it seriously, but I am.  I care.

Still feeling pretty ambivalent...do I just think now that I don't want what I did (for so, so long) because it's a possibility?  I don't know that I should walk away just because I'm afraid of what it might mean to stop wanting and actually have.  I tell myself that I did follow thru and go to Spain after talking about it forever.  And on the balance of it all, that turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.  It's only fear of the unknown that makes me think I no longer care.  Maybe I know what I need.  Maybe the things I want are the right ones.

Back to theatre stuff.  Looking forward to a week-or-two off.