Everything

Wednesday - Well, paid the application fee, received time waiver, and now am keeping my fingers crossed that the class will have space available when it starts (I can't actually register until the third day.)  Plan B for that would be to take a folklore class second term, make use of my application fee...which would make me really close to a second degree and maybe I should apply for it.  I don't know.  I'm still pursuing acting, I'm also really close to having enough credits for a BA in Scandinavian Studies, so why not?  Life feeds art.  (And art feeds life.)

Tried to take "Carolyn" shopping to find a dress.  No luck yet.  I recycled another big bag of clothes at H&M, but didn't find anything there.  Maybe a thrift-shop.  Not sure when I'll have the time. (Mid-80's, September, Minnesota, anniversary dinner, 41.)

Thursday - Woke up disillusioned; feeling across the board: mediocre.  I'm a generalist, I know a lot of things, can do a lot of things, but none of it really stands out.  I don't always care, it makes life interesting for me, but it's really bothering me today.  I think the "generalist" thing is ingrained, probably not going to change.  I doubt what I have to offer, what do I bring to the table that someone else hasn't already brought and more fully?  I'll get over it.  (Feel like I've been surrounded by super-achievers lately...glad they are out there, making shit happen, stuff we're all better for, but, I wouldn't even know where to start.) 

Sometimes I feel so much energy goes into destroying the world vs. saving it...and if there was less destruction, maybe I wouldn't feel like I have to spend my life counteracting that (or that anything I do that isn't along that line is my "first-world" problem, and how dare I want anything more than to "be a hero."  The idea that we'd need fewer "heroes" if our world were more just and we were all generally more altruistic, then everyone could each do a little, and that would be enough, and if there weren't so many people out there trying to take as much as possible, consequences for anyone else be damned, notwithstanding.)  I feel ill-equipped to save anything, and I attempt to live my life as conscientiously as possible (even if I don't quite succeed, it's an ideal for me), and yet that hardly feels like a good enough answer.
 
The crows have finally quieted down for the moment.  The silence that has come from the school year being over, has suddenly erupted with the lustful cries of hungry baby crows, and the frustrated adult crows, swooping down on any unsuspecting person (or animal) that unwittingly gets within thirty feet.  Someone mentioned getting dived at in the parking lot, and later, I was walking to the bus and a crow chased me down the block: I saw the baby, it was on a roof, no where near to me, but that's not far enough away, I suppose.  They remember faces, so even if you didn't do anything, but they singled you out, they can remember you all season and dive bomb you.  I had that a couple of years in a row, didn't seem to matter where I was, got singled out, even in a crowd...started wearing really big hats, carrying food to throw and distract them with, considered wearing a disguise.  (That was one of the nice things about being befriended by that family of crows in my last place, they actually brought the baby (s) to me and stopped attacking me.  That lasted for a few years.)  Maybe I'll try feeding them.