oh!

I have liked men that were good for me (or at least not actively bad for me) so, I'm not chasing for the bad boy's (not bad people necessarily, just unavailable to me, incapable or unwilling to care about me) affection all the time, in a pursuit of futility...but while I was walking home tonight, I did figure out where that came from. I can't mention it, (I am willingly protecting) but it was totally laughable. I only hope knowledge is some sorta' power to change my own futile behavior. There is definitely a confidence (no, make that swagger, the other men were actually more confident, just not as blatant) that's attractive in those men, but also the chase, and I suppose the idea that I'll never have to be vulnerable, because they will never of ask it. So, I suppose that's both of us being unavailable. But  I think I want to let myself be now, but with someone capable of giving the same. (But would I even recognize that?) This other thing is a game, it's not real. There is so much crap coming up right now, though better now than later. (I've opened up a floodgate of stuff that wants to be seen and heard and processed. Moving along. Not a good time to try to study.)

Oh, crud. No it's not enough. I have a distinct memory of realizing this source at 23. Still not working for me, how do I change that?