Wary relationship with elephant

So, I look the elephant in the eye, but then what? Spent so much of my 20's dealing with shit. And I'm definitely functioning better than I did then. Relationships changed for the better, but there are still these lingering things. This one's hard. (The other's were too.) I couldn't stop crying, and it took me a lots of days of writing to figure out where that came from. And I still choke up if I even try to talk about it, which I don't really, I don't think that would help. Yet. I hope the work in this book helps. I haven't gotten to it yet, I'm afraid I'll be disappointed. But knowing what you face is half the battle. Yeah? I was carrying the book in a grocery store earlier tonight and the cashier asked about it and said someone had suggested that she read it. I got it from the library, it's pretty worn out. (And I think I waited a couple of months for it.) I'm not the only one, I know I'm not alone. There are a lucky few who got here unscathed. (Author refers to elephant as a dinosaur.) And I forgave a long, long time ago. And I hold absolutely no ill will. I just want to function. I want to stop sabotaging myself.  To stop underachieving and selling myself short. I want to let myself be "selfish" and to not feel like I need to apologize everytime I stand up for myself (and I can stand up for myself, I just feel bad afterward. Afraid I'll get punished somehow, not sure by whom. Maybe it's a fear that everyone would permanently leave, but in a way, those wouldn't have been healthy relationships if the only way to stay in them was to be willing to be a doormat.) And I'll get there. I wish I were there yesterday. (And yes, in spite of all this, I am still happy most of the time. There is a lot of beauty in the world.)

(I am kinda' an anti-blogger in how much I rewrite and edit.)