Really wet Friday morning

Stood in line for the coffee and donuts, coffee was out, but the music was good and someone just offered to buy me hot chocolate, so hey.

The other thing I realized I want more of in my life is deep conversations. The type you have in college. And I need those like I need nature, or water, or air. I feel like the lack of them makes more timid when I should say something, speak up, stand up for something. And I want to feel like someone hears me. I hear other people, but I'd like the reciprocation in conversation, the two-or-more participant thing. Sometimes I want to know that it matters that I'm alive to anyone other than me. Does that make me needy? Or is that a normal interaction for most people? (Not because of what I can take or need or give, but because I was born and exist, only that.) That lack is partially responsible for my writing so much here, just need to get it out of me.

Incidently, my friend on the road trip seems to be doing well. Seems to be a really good experience for her. And I was wait-listed for the language program in Finland, which is okay. I found out last night that there might be an opportunity to study (a really intensive class) with an artist/instructor whom I'm ready to learn from, but whom has since moved away. And given the choice between the two, I'd go with the art class (I'm not sure how often the opportunity will arise.)

And on another note, kinda' over all the "secret handshakes" in the art world.  You get invited to something that you can't actually go to because you didn't jump through all the hoops other than replying "yes" to an RSVP, (although I once got random tickets to some big shin-dig and ended up taking a guy I met on the bus to it. I later heard people were upset that they couldn't get in because the house was full. I don't know how I ended up with tickets, but they were in my mailbox, so I went.  A friend of mine's sister got some, too, but we couldn't find a connection as to why.) Or people tell you about how cool these events or workshops or performances are, but when you ask how you can see them, do them, they clam up. Why bring them up in the first place? Maybe you have to be in the "in crowd" first. But should you trust someone who only lets you in when you've become "acceptably cool"? I probably won't entirely. (That's still a chip on my shoulder, apparently.) It was the same thing when I used to do more photography. There was this underlying idea that people who were trying to make a living doing photography were upset because "amatuers" were charging too little for their work, but if you ever asked anyone what the going rate should be, there was a lot of hemming and hawing and no one would tell you. So they shot themselves in the foot. They needed to charge a certain amount to cover expenses, but were losing business to those that didn't, or had no idea of what to charge. Maybe that's changed, I haven't paid attention in a while. It's just really annoying me. (My annoyance is directed in general, and there are plenty of people that don't do this. I've just been running into some that do. And maybe I haven't "paid my dues" lately, but I certainly have in the past...although that should totally be irrelevant, nobody knows what you bring to the table until they know you.  And I had to take a break to do other things, but I want to learn everything I can now. Is that bad? I'm not trying to meet people to get ahead, to kiss their ass. I am paying for the classes, not trying to learn for free. Making a living with art is tough, I respect that. So, if I meet people, if I talk to them, it's because I'm genuinely interested in them as a person, there's no angle. I'm an introvert, never been good at playing any angle, it's hard enough to start a conversation. And back in my previous brush with this world, someone asked if I gave "good massages," as if I couldn't possibly have any other merit (this was doing tech work.)  And there might still be a little chip left on the shoulder from all the sexism as well.)

The area of my nose/forehead that I smacked into the door-jamb last Friday night is killing me today. Maybe I should go get it looked at. (And I can't go home because of  the fumigation.)