How much change

I'm scared to change my life more.  I want to apply for this program and see where life goes, but I'm terrified to let go of safety (a job, a steady income, health insurance, knowing I can pay my rent, knowing I can some day retire), and yet I can barely survive on what I make now.  And while I'm good at it (and I think it's good for other people that I'm doing it, it's a good mesh with my personality) I don't think it's my life's purpose, (and it's taken for granted by the people I work for.) I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I don't think I should stay where I am just because it's safe.  (I have also found that if I don't make the choices for myself, they are made for me, i.e., if I need to be doing something else, I'll get a wake up call that will result in the end of the safe bet.  It's happened before...several times.  Obviously, I survived them, but not fun.  Always less traumatic to act on your own behalf, first, before someone else does for you.)

I was thinking earlier about how I'm afraid to ask for what I need (or want), needs certainly harder to ask for than wants, and how that might be something to plug into this character.  My feeling is that she has generally gone with the flow, and might actually be resenting that now.  It was easier.  She was young when she got married, he was older, had more life experience, it would be easy to always have deferred to him...but you do that all the time, and you lose you.  Anyway, I need to ask the second reference to speak to a different topic, and I was so grateful he replied, I was afraid of rocking the boat, but I don't need two references speaking to the same point.  I need to ask for what I need.  It's important.  I need to value my own needs as much as his.

Anyway, went to the zoo earlier to try to do observations, most of the mammals were sleeping (the sun was out.)  Lots of active reptiles, but I don't think I saw the behavior I'm looking for in them.  Made up a song for the tapir (who was sleeping) for some reason, and I sang it to it when there weren't people around (it sleeps against the window)...I really want to pet one, they look soft.  Took an hour to get home, made it in the nick of time: it appears to be raining now.