Rebellion

Had an anxiety dream this morning about being late for a performance.  I had some other commitment in another part of town and was trying to get back to the theatre, but there were no buses.  I kept trying to get a ride and having people tell me that they could take me only to back out at the last minute, first one had to do a portrait shoot for work and then when I found her after she was doing math homework (it is a dream after all) and apologized saying that she really needed to get it done.  The performance time kept changing, it started at 6 pm, and by the end of the dream it turned out it was 8 pm, and I was never quite late, but I don't think I ever made it.  Before I woke up, someone said that I should have just walked there, I made excuses that it was a long distance, I had heels on, and I was in a sketchy neighborhood.  She responded that if it was really important to me, I'd make it happen....yeah.  That's probably true.

On the way to work I thought that in all the ways I run late, all the excuses I make for it, I am only sabotaging myself.  I may think I'm rebelling for me, but I'm actually hurting myself: it looks like I don't care and I come off as a flake, neither of which are actually in my best interest.  Worth a thought, or more.  (I've heard something to this effect before (in general, not specifically about me), but it hit me today as true.)

Speaking of rebellion, still feeling ambivalent about the conservatory training.  It'll be fine either way, it's just that it would be a massive upheaval in my life and that's freaking me out at the moment.

As far as my present situation, how do you change an "as if" mid-stream?  Or do you stay with the same one and make adjustments with new tactics to get what you want?  The concept itself is suddenly really clear, how to use it, is not.

Ciao.