Heat wave

So many options of things to do today, and I've opted out (for the moment.)  Was going to go to the beach for the low tide, but couldn't locate my flip-flops, could swear I've seen some recently, but none to be found today.  I don't want to ruin my other shoes.  Soon it will be too hot to stay inside.  Even went to the garden early, to water and catch up on weeding.  Missed the bus and while walking, almost forgot where I was going, so enjoying the calmness of the lake, the placid water, the slight coolness of the day.

Last night was strange.  I don't know if it was the result of the almost full moon, the heat wave, the fact that it was a Friday night, or what...but lots of "disturbances" for lack of a better word.  As soon as the sun had set, the darkness inside, kept at bay in the day time, emerging and thriving in the night.  Not in everyone, of course.  I was amazed, actually, by the calmness of response to the disturbances (one example, extreme ranting and confrontation), there was no violent tit for tat, things were dealt with in kindness and with respect, more than I usually see.  There seemed to be an acceptance that nothing was personal, there was a distance...and again, de-escalation instead of explosion.

Going to a dinner with a friend later, maybe I'll just go find somewhere with air-conditioning, to go write for a while.  I haven't decided yet (regarding the conservatory) and I need to.  I think the deadline is tomorrow. Still all over the map.  How would I get the same level of training if I didn't do it?  Could I get it?  Am I giving up a grand opportunity?  I don't know.  It needs to be my decision though, and not based on what someone else might think.  I have to live with the consequences, good or bad, with any regret one way or the other.  If I can swing the expense, that's fine.  Money's not all that important to me, but I would like to not owe any, and I'd like to not short my future, and I'd like to be able to eat and keep a roof over my head.  But more than that, I'd like to find something I want to pursue in life, and to fulfill my purpose in life, if such a thing even exists...I don't want money to be the reason I don't.  And I don't want to be on my deathbed someday with regret that I made the choices that kept me secure but didn't bring purpose to my life or add to the world in a productive way.  So, perhaps I make this decision too heavy with that, but so it is.  (That's how I am with everything, why it takes me so long to decide anything.)  Maybe it's not such a big deal in the end, the world won't end either way.  Yet I feel the years pass by and I want to do something useful with my life.  (If that's all very heavy, well, I am a winter baby.)

The dinner was awesome, it was with a teacher most of us have worked with, and most of the guests were performers/actors.  It was helpful to get other people's perspective and experience, because I am still trying to decide.  And I realize there are a lot of things I'm not good at yet, or don't know how to do, and so I ask myself if doing this program the best way to gain that?  You know, it might be.