Wednesday

Of course, now woke up from a dream that both involved the Alexander Technique and not being heard (which also involved not being able to get food and not wanting to pay for something I wasn't getting and feeling like I was being ripped off, but not being able to get enough sound out to be heard.)  Having a lot of those lately.  (Like screaming in a nightmare, only these aren't nightmares, just feeling like I don't have a voice, or that I'm not standing up for myself somewhere.)

I'm reading this Declan Donnellan book, "The Actor and the Target,"  it's simple, yet dense.  I might have to actually purchase it, this one is a library loan.  I think it will take time to get my head wrapped around it.  Early on, he talks about the difference between concentration and attention.  It made me think of that "video" exercise (where we had to do a verbatim playback of what someone else said and gestured) we did on the first day of Meisner (and the similar exercise in the "Winners and Losers" workshop this past spring.)  Concentration was what I was trying to do and so became so focused on one element that I could remember very little of what happened, vs. attention which was what I was doing in the coffee shop (I wrote about this at the time) when I was sorta' eavesdropping on the conversation at the next table (hard to block out at any rate) and though they talked for over an hour, I could probably have repeated the whole thing back, because I wasn't trying to focus on any one thing. (I think that's another reason why I remember things better if I write down notes, in addition to the actual process of writing, it's because I'm not just looking at the instructor, so I'm using all of my senses to gather information and not hyper-focusing with any individual one.)

It's subtle, but it makes a huge difference. (I suspect it's also where we were trying to get with all the Meisner work: to get beyond the initial chair work where you are inches apart repeating each other, to the point where you can be across the room and not necessarily looking at each other, but still sending and receiving energy, and hopefully being aware of what that does to you.)

That's what I want to work on now, recognizing impulses, realizing I am having them so I don't dampen them out.  At dinner someone was talking about using the impulse in a way that made sense with what else was going on stage, and yet you can't sit there and think about it, 'cos then you second guess it and get into thinking instead of being, and kill it in its tracks.  And then you get stuck. I mentioned that I wasn't always aware I was having impulses (and I was squashing them without realizing it), or what they were.  Robin would call me out on it (for which I am grateful) but I wouldn't even recognize anything had happened.  George recommended a short story, which I should look up.  Anyway, that's one of the reasons I'm doing the clown and dance work right now, it's about pure reaction, or instinct, outside of words.

All of this makes me realize I still have so much to learn.  At any rate, the vacuum I've created won't stay empty for long.