And it's even sunny out

Friday afternoon defies the forecasted rain.  Instead, big, puffy clouds float across the bright blue sky, while a tiny sliver of the moon holds court at the center of it all.  Down below, only a breeze kicking the odd, old leaves down the pavement.  It's warm in the sun.  None of this reaches deep enough into me to wash away the lingering disillusionment that reading (yet another) script has left me with.  Script dealing with unfaithfulness, really depresses me.  Why bother being in a relationship at all if you are only looking to find someone else, someone better when the time comes?  I know there are people who are faithful.  (I even recognize that there are people who would have been faithful to me, had I let them be.)  I know there are people who renew commitments to one another when they haven't been...but god, it all just seems so futile.  (Plays about the destruction of the world I can read without flinching, plays about betrayal, on the other hand, leave me in a funk.)  And I want to shake what I'm feeling off of me, but I can't.  Ugh.  I mean I can sit here and read Strindberg spewing his misogyny and laugh at it, it's just so ridiculous, even if there might still be people who think that way: it's his fear and misguidedness, not mine.  (And I volunteered to work on Miss Julie because of that.)  But I lose a sense of hope reading about an affair, go figure.

And when I'm feeling particularly jaded (which is by no means all of the time) and I hear a love song on the radio I'll think, "yeah, but they're not together anymore."  So was it real, or did it just sound good?  And still...as perhaps the writers of the songs took the plunge and maybe even if they lost in the end, it is better to hold out hope to believe in the possibility of, and to seek out love and risk the loss than to live a life devoid of it.  And to search out for it and live in it as long as you can than to run away from it.  (Someone told me a mutual friend said that she believed she was with her soul mate in the end, having given up her former life to be with him as his life was ending, they'd known each other for years...the two opposing ideas holding court in my head: to follow your heart to find the love of your life, regardless of the consequences vs. settling with someone because you don't want to be alone right now.  Perhaps the play dealt with both.  Or the actual depressing idea, that for one of you it's the love of your life and for the other, it's the best option right now.)

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

But the script still bums me out. (Orange Flower Water, Craig Wright, for the record.)  Guess it's not my thing.  And I'm not really making sense.  Oh, god, what a downer.  Happy weekend anyway.