Friday

Being a flake was never my intention, I think it was more that I needed to stretch out myself into what I needed and wanted as a way to buck the restraints of what I had to do...though, for whatever reasons there might have been, all legitimate, that was a choice as well, and it was mine.  Just need to find a way to build enough time for myself into my life.  I need a lot.  (And I  really like the scenic route, and will take it even when I know I shouldn't, because of time restraints, etc.)

Turns out the 4 minutes was not a wrench to see how we can adjust to changing circumstances (you do get asked to make adjustments with the monologues themselves, sometimes) but rather just the maximum time allowed.  I'm still probably at 90 seconds, or maybe less.  The Shakes is 30 seconds and the other one is anywhere from 30 seconds to around one minute, depends how solid I get on the ending of it; together, they have a nice range.  I just have to really own them; I'm not there yet.  Had a coaching session this morning, and she's a friend and still I'm nervous to perform for her.  Have until Wednesday to get it together.  At least the words are memorized now.  Have lots of Meisner work, as well as catching up on my life, to do in the meantime.  And so much going on around town I want to do...ahhh, how it's gonna go for a while.  We're off book on Sunday (pretty much there now), and I imagine my garden has become a jungle of kale plants by this point.  Have to get there...and pick up my mail.  Keeps being in the wrong direction.

Time to so see what's up with the birds.

In three weeks, this phase will be over.

Next

Made it through the first round.  Now for auditions and interview:/

Emotions are...confused.

I'm guessing if you applied, you made it to auditions, they've extended the application deadline.  Also guessing cost and timing is a factor, because of trying to hold down a job and making it to class.

Rebellion

Had an anxiety dream this morning about being late for a performance.  I had some other commitment in another part of town and was trying to get back to the theatre, but there were no buses.  I kept trying to get a ride and having people tell me that they could take me only to back out at the last minute, first one had to do a portrait shoot for work and then when I found her after she was doing math homework (it is a dream after all) and apologized saying that she really needed to get it done.  The performance time kept changing, it started at 6 pm, and by the end of the dream it turned out it was 8 pm, and I was never quite late, but I don't think I ever made it.  Before I woke up, someone said that I should have just walked there, I made excuses that it was a long distance, I had heels on, and I was in a sketchy neighborhood.  She responded that if it was really important to me, I'd make it happen....yeah.  That's probably true.

On the way to work I thought that in all the ways I run late, all the excuses I make for it, I am only sabotaging myself.  I may think I'm rebelling for me, but I'm actually hurting myself: it looks like I don't care and I come off as a flake, neither of which are actually in my best interest.  Worth a thought, or more.  (I've heard something to this effect before (in general, not specifically about me), but it hit me today as true.)

Speaking of rebellion, still feeling ambivalent about the conservatory training.  It'll be fine either way, it's just that it would be a massive upheaval in my life and that's freaking me out at the moment.

As far as my present situation, how do you change an "as if" mid-stream?  Or do you stay with the same one and make adjustments with new tactics to get what you want?  The concept itself is suddenly really clear, how to use it, is not.

Ciao.

Well

Well, both my recommendations went MIA so I don't know...someone said they'd follow up, but I haven't heard anything since.  Maybe I misunderstood or misheard that they'd been sent, don't know, seems to be my running theme, as of late.  Guess I'll start auditioning for shows and get some experience.  I'm not gonna sweat it.  Opens up being able to spend the money for summer workshop tuition.  There are many ways to learn.  I'd still like to find a way to do an intensive, conservatory/grad school training, because I think it would be helpful, but I'm not going to take it as a "no" to pursuing acting.  It's just a (possible-maybe they will turn up, who knows?) "no" to the program.

I've figured out that what happened on Sunday was a very strong "as if."  I think there are a couple sections I can plug it into the text (the beginning, as well as the end.)  We did a couple "non-traditional" readings of the script last night and I was surprised that new information came out of that.  Super helpful.

Keep being reminded that there's no point in holding onto nothing, when you're the only one that gives a damn.  I can't be the only one making an effort, yet I am.  What am I avoiding by holding on?  Why am I continually choosing to hold out hope when hope has long left the station?  As someone posted today, "if you could love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you could love the right one..." although, I probably love the "wrong" (for me) one because there's no risk of reciprocation.  Just a thought.  (I blame no one, I've just have trouble walking away; trying to figure out why that is.)

(Oh, she wrote me and told me not to worry about the letters.  I think it's the let down of the stress of trying to get everything done and then being done for the moment, that makes me not give a damn about that today.  I woke up not caring.)

Oh, how time flies, actually only turned this on to listen to music while I tackle a few more boxes of stuff.  Will do that now.  Next time I move, I want less stuff, plus, this room would be nicer with less in it.  Slow progress at gaining free space.  I'll take what I can get.

Deadline

Once again, I'm an emotional wreck.  Completely overwhelmed with the amount of support, across the board, I've gotten from people in my life, to apply.  All these people want me to be fulfilled.  I never knew that, I never had the courage to ask.  I didn't think that in light of all the suffering in the world, what I wanted mattered (back to the stupid idea of "first-world problems.")  Didn't know I was "allowed" to want things for me.  Funny that writing an application is bringing so much up.

I still don't haven't heard regarding my head shots, but I did think of what the rest of my statement will be about.  I've been stuck at about 600 words, and I know I should take part of it out and put it in the "process" section.

Still processing what happened in the improv on Sunday.  Another interesting insight is that as Carolyn, I let myself run the full emotions out, especially the negative ones, like resentment, and in regular life I often suppress them.  A fun thing about acting is you get to fully live out those parts of yourself, through a character.

Still haven't a clue how I will pay for this if I get in.  The application is the first cut, if you make it through that, you still have to audition.  It's good practice, even if I don't get in.  I need to be doing all of this anyway.

It's done.

Writing the application

I am at 503 (out of 7-900) words for the statement of purpose.  I still have to write about my "process" but that only has to be about 200 words; I'm kinda stuck on that one as well.  I told myself I could take a break at 500. I'd wanted to go back to Folklife for the singing of Mozart's "Requiem" for Memorial Day, but need to write this.  Might go shoot a head shot if I can find my tripod, I am assuming at this point, that I won't have the other one by the time this is due.  I feel my writing is gushy, but maybe I'm gushy.  I'm not always articulate, but I'm more passionate than I give myself credit for, and if I commit of my own free will (without coercion or guilt) I mean it.  I'm open to letting my life change.

I'm writing about storytelling.  I realized this morning that that's what I want to do, have wanted to do.  I've spent years looking for the outlet. I think I knew this, have possibly articulated it before, but there was a lot of clarity today.  So, if nothing else, good to know.

Another realization is that even though I pursued photography (for years), I'm probably not a visual person. When we do improvs and meditations, I feel things, I get hunches, I get to my characters through kinesthetic means, and through sounds (and singing).  I knew this last year as well (which is why I continued pursuing acting, because that was a wide open door for me, that I hadn't known was available), but it's hitting home more now.  I don't know what my character looks like, I can't see her, but I know how she feels.  And last night, I knew what she wanted.

There's a bird singing outside, and a cool breeze coming through the window.  They are calling to me.  Time for a break.

Here are a couple pictures of a warthog.  I thought it was charming.

Buttercup, May 24/L Herlevi 2014

Warthog, May 24/L Herlevi 2014

After class

All I can say is "wow."  Went to a very interesting place in the improv work today.  3+ hour of animal and character work.  So, yes, the animal choice was fine for the character (goat, for the record), and then my partner said something (an unintentional lie-he didn't realize it wasn't true when he said it) that set me off on a very strong objective, and there was no going off of it, I pursued it (even to a point of desperation, even to the point of "crazy") to the end.  I don't know that I've ever pursued anything so powerfully, so single-mindedly, not in life, and certainly not on stage.  And it was the character, though it struck some nerve in me, as well.  Powerful.  Wild to me that the character can speak so loudly.  Even when I thought maybe it was contrived, it became true.  And then by the time we rehearsed, it was gone, and I felt kinda lost on stage again.  I have to figure out how to plug what was true into the scene, on the surface it feels at odds.  (I was willing to go to any length to get what I wanted in the improv, but in the scene, that isn't what I end up with.  I have to figure out where it fits in.)  By the end of the improv, she completely inhabited me.  I was living her.  It was freeing.  How do you get to that point night after night on stage using someone else's words?  And how do you do this kind of work on your own as prep?

I feel like I had some sort of epiphany or enlightenment.  How do I do it using words?

I'm gonna have to come up with a back-up plan for the head-shot, I don't think I will get it back in time.  I should write tonight.

Feeling a sense of futility on a Saturday morning

I'm not depressed, but if I dig too deep, sometimes (okay, maybe not often, maybe only right now) everything I think I want feels impossible, or futile, or stupid.  But everything feels that way, what's the point of anything?  Why are we here?  I don't have any desire to die-it's not that, I'm not depressed- I just don't feel any momentum, because everything, every motion, every direction seems equally futile.  Don't know where this came from, suddenly, or why.  Why do we strive?  Why do we love?  Why do we practice?  Why do we try to communicate?  Why do we want to connect?  Why do we explore?  Why do we search for meaning?  Why do we make art?  What are we hoping to find at the end (or the beginning) of anything?  Of life?  What are we hoping to give or to get on the journey?   Maybe I'm just overwhelmed.  Everything I need to get done seems at a standstill, again.  Motions that take us somewhere equally vague.

Think I'll go for a walk  (A little light-headed, but maybe I just need to eat.)  Need to get to the zoo again, early, to observe the mammals when they are awake.  We have to present those tomorrow.  Ten-hour class. Still need to write my "statement of purpose," too, not sure if this mindset is a plus or a minus for that.

An existential blip.

Internet connection is really bad as well.  Really need to get a phone.  Spent a fair amount of time observing farm animals, but not sure if they are the right thing. Filmed a few of them, will have to come up with something.  Lost scene partner five minutes after walking into zoo.  Can't really do anything about that, at least I got him in for 1/2 price.  (I needed to observe farm animals.  That's what I did.  That, and get a decent cow impression down.  Maybe I should be a cow...they mostly just stood there.  Chewing.  With runny noses.)

Curiously, facebook works, nothing else.

Long weekend with rain

Maybe I'll get the writing done. I must've offended the birds by saying they were loud; no exuberant burst of song this morning...or maybe it's the rain.  There's a new meteor shower expected tonight, I hope it clears enough to see it.  I should really find my glasses, I don't even remember the last time I saw them, last quarter?  It would be helpful if I actually wore them.  Giving up on finding the script, I'll have to re-cut it, I think I mostly know what it was, 45-50 seconds worth.  It's from "Frankie and Johnny."  My coach sent me to "Othello" for the classical text.  Hoping I get my head shot back before Tuesday, maybe I'll set up a self-portrait as a back-up. 

All this procrastinating, all these ways of not working on the things I need to work on...now.  Now.  Now.  That's all we've got.  My fears of not being good enough are keeping me on the edge instead of doing the work that will make me better.  Everything I know how to do, do as second nature, I know because I put in the time to practice it, to learn it (driving, typing, reading, cooking, singing, reading music, etc.)  This is no different.  What appears as a chasm from where I am, and where I'd like to be is the daily habit of "doing the practice, " especially when I resist it.  And I can spend all the time in  the world analyzing why I resist, but in the end it's all just a ploy to avoid doing the work...like this is. :)

The desire is there, but the will is in a cage...with an open door.

Yes.

Glad I read that

Oh, good lord.  Just read the FAQ's for the application and noticed, and then had confirmed, that one of the monologues absolutely has to be classical.  Well, crud.  Have no training, closest I've got is romantic poetry (as far as verse goes.)  Could I use a sonnet?  I'm wary of using a monologue from a Shakespeare play, because I haven't spent enough time with them, and so it would be only words, without meaning.  Maybe I should wait and not apply this year...I've contacted my coach, but...gotta find the time to learn this now, in addition to the performance and everything else.  When will there be time?  And I still don't have a clue about how I will be able to afford to live and pay tuition if I get in.  It's not actually that much money, only that I don't happen to have it.

There are a lot of things I could pursue if I don't apply: film work, improv, the Suzuki class, dance, Shakespeare, auditioning (all of which will be offered in the program, all more intensely and synergistically.)  I don't know. 

On the bright side, only have to locate one of the monologues that I've misplaced:)  And I've realized part of my problem with the scene work is I haven't done enough homework which is a relief; at least that's a fixable problem.

And I suppose another way to look at it (classical monologue) is that it only has to be 45 seconds, and there are Spark Notes (and libraries.)

Thursday

A friend said she wanted to come see our showcase, and I feel nowhere near a point where I'd want to perform it...guess just more fire under my feet to work more.  I have a lot of it intellectually, though I don't know if my choices are strong enough (strongly suspect the answer to that is "no.")  Hasn't gotten in my bones yet...feel like I'm mostly just reading words, some hit, but not many...maybe it's just that we need more rehearsal, and figuring out where each of us is winning or losing and finding a strong enough reason to fight back when I'm losing.  Maybe we should play that game (winners and losers.)  Maybe it'd help.  Getting off book would help, too.

Got three essays to write by the end of the weekend (for the application) and I can't find the cuts of the monologues I was working on.  Could be absolutely anywhere at this point.  I know I didn't throw them away.  We have to do two, if I get the application turned in and make it to the auditions for the ETI program.  Believe we get 90 seconds.  The timing for the deadline and audition are not ideal, what with getting these scene rehearsals and other classwork done, but that's how it is, I guess.  The application deadline is Tuesday and the audition is eight days later.  I don't know if I can schedule coaching, might just have to trade listening/feedback with a friend.  We have just shy of four weeks to pull this scene together, which both seems like a long time, and also not enough time.  Tonight's my last singing rehearsal until the fall (and it'll be short), so at least my schedule's clearing up for class rehearsals.  We still have to block and add the fight choreography.

The dawn chorus is so loud at 4:30, it's like all the birds have to check in to see who's around, whose turn it is to go find food, who's guarding the nest, what the plan for the day is, etc., each one trying to talk above all the others, and then as soon as the sun has risen, silence: only the sound of traffic (which is constant) and an occasional far off cry of a single bird remain in the air.  I don't mind necessarily, not sure if it's the reason I am also awake in the 4 am hour, but am surprised by how deafening it is.  I have the goal of getting up and doing balancing/centering work to ground myself before going to work, but haven't managed it yet.  So far, when they've quieted down, I've gone back to sleep.

Only domesticated

Domesticated.  So used to being told how to be, being trained, that she wouldn't run for freedom given the off chance that the door was open.  (Could possibly be an elephant: settling for the tufts of grass that grow at the edges of the fence.  Settling for so little, believing that to be happiness.  Making it happiness because you have to survive.) She is not a wild animal, lacks the craftiness of survival.  Not a goat.  Perhaps a cow or a sheep.  Not a cat, maybe a dog.  A loyal one...though maybe not because the dog would always be loyal to the end.  Nora is definitely not a dog.  Definitely opened up avenues for me to read the Ibsen.  I'll have to go back to the zoo; easier than getting to a farm.

It's as if I'm ("I" being Carolyn) growing into a place where I need to express myself, and since I never have, and it's foreign concept, I'm afraid of what your (being David) reaction will be.  I'm afraid you won't have a conversation with me.  I'm afraid you will write me off as somehow not being as important, as knowledgeable, as legitimate as you.  And so I don't ask.  We do not have conversations about things that matter.  And I want to.  I need to.  I need to be realized.  To be known.  An apology from you would have been nice. That's why she wants an apology, but because he's been the "good master" ("the point is what I say the point is") to the best of his ability, that's why he doesn't understand that need in her, and I suppose, rightly so...they both chose those roles, even if it was passive, a habit that grew into a way of relating over time.  And I think Nora and Carolyn differ there, Nora was always a "pet,"  Carolyn became one passively, because it was the easiest path to walk.  Carolyn is fully domesticated, Nora is a wild animal that was kept as a pet for her whole life, but I think she has more survival instincts.  (The fact that she committed the crime in the first place shows she has survival instincts, even if she is naïve, she can learn.)  Maybe Nora's like a bird that's had it's wings clipped to make it stay, and now they are growing back and she wants to leave, find her tribe where she'll be heard, accepted as an equal, be encouraged to thrive.  She'll be fine on her own (away from a master.)  I don't think Carolyn wants to be on her own, she wants to be able to be an individual and still be accepted, and be seen as an equal in that relationship. (She ain't no lone wolf.)

Now to figure out how to own that inside, to relate from there.

Oh, and David is not Torvald, David is willing to engage.  They have a fighting chance.

Heartache

The zoo made me feel unsettled.  (It reminded me of this run down botanical garden I visited in Lisbon; neglected due to staffing cuts and austerity measures.)  Thought about an idea for a performance piece.  I almost wanted to ask for my money back, since all the animals were missing or asleep.  Had a slight dizzy spell in the rainforest building (probably because it was hot) and so made my way to the bus, forgoing the farm area, which probably had active animals.  Not sure what I'll do for class, we have to do these next week.

Just read Ibsen's "A Doll's House."  It was suggested that I do, and I can see the similarities between it and "Riches," how both Nora and Carolyn have been deferring to someone else in life, though Nora comes to her senses sooner and actually leaves.  Ahhh, makes me ache.  Ache.  The sudden realization that Nora had, that Torvald didn't have her back, wasn't thinking about her as a human being, but rather as an amusement, considering only himself...that everyone, including Krogstad, acted more nobly because they were all more broken, more fully human, in a way that Torvald is not and does not understand.  That he only accepts Nora again when he finds there is nothing at stake (in his reputation.)  Nora is a wonderfully realized character.  Kudos to Ibsen on that insight.

(It reminds me of being in a bad relationship, where the other person has said, in a very blunt moment, that "you haven't earned" the right to be treated better, and then a complete stranger helps you off with your coat, and you realize that you do deserve to be treated well, because you exist.  Not that that's ever happened or anything - I've mentioned it elsewhere.  Or someone you know casually, who works with hundreds of people, remembering your name and commenting on a change in your life, and realizing that there are people who do pay attention, even if the one you want to, does not.  You are not invisible as a human being.  You are not a background object.  It doesn't come up in the play for Carolyn (directly), but it does for Nora: Kristine and Krogstad and Dr. Rank don't need to help her, but they do, and the person who she would hope to step up first, whom she committed the crime for (Torvald), does not, is not willing.  That hurts (of course it does.)  It was "a miracle" she was hoping for, that they would be equals, I think, and it didn't happen.  How could you stay?)

Day one of a ridiculously busy week.  (Auction/class and rehearsal/rehearsal and late reception/rehearsal/friend's premiere/maybe try the zoo again/application due/10-hour class on Sunday.)

How much change

I'm scared to change my life more.  I want to apply for this program and see where life goes, but I'm terrified to let go of safety (a job, a steady income, health insurance, knowing I can pay my rent, knowing I can some day retire), and yet I can barely survive on what I make now.  And while I'm good at it (and I think it's good for other people that I'm doing it, it's a good mesh with my personality) I don't think it's my life's purpose, (and it's taken for granted by the people I work for.) I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I don't think I should stay where I am just because it's safe.  (I have also found that if I don't make the choices for myself, they are made for me, i.e., if I need to be doing something else, I'll get a wake up call that will result in the end of the safe bet.  It's happened before...several times.  Obviously, I survived them, but not fun.  Always less traumatic to act on your own behalf, first, before someone else does for you.)

I was thinking earlier about how I'm afraid to ask for what I need (or want), needs certainly harder to ask for than wants, and how that might be something to plug into this character.  My feeling is that she has generally gone with the flow, and might actually be resenting that now.  It was easier.  She was young when she got married, he was older, had more life experience, it would be easy to always have deferred to him...but you do that all the time, and you lose you.  Anyway, I need to ask the second reference to speak to a different topic, and I was so grateful he replied, I was afraid of rocking the boat, but I don't need two references speaking to the same point.  I need to ask for what I need.  It's important.  I need to value my own needs as much as his.

Anyway, went to the zoo earlier to try to do observations, most of the mammals were sleeping (the sun was out.)  Lots of active reptiles, but I don't think I saw the behavior I'm looking for in them.  Made up a song for the tapir (who was sleeping) for some reason, and I sang it to it when there weren't people around (it sleeps against the window)...I really want to pet one, they look soft.  Took an hour to get home, made it in the nick of time: it appears to be raining now.

Saturday

One more hoop jumped through: got a head shot done today.  Woke up kinda' stressed out about what I would wear and what I was gonna do about make-up.  Actually called a few places but couldn't schedule anything, this being prom season, so eventually caught a bus up to Northgate and asked a woman at the M.A.C. counter to help me with foundation and eyeliner, which she did.  I hardly ever wear make up other than lipstick, and on occasion, mascara.  Because I don't usually wear it, I feel I look garish when I do, but my housemate thought it looked good, and it photographed fine, which was the point.  My skin was really dry, but they said they will photoshop that.  Had to choose the image right after, it's weird looking at that many pictures of yourself (from the stand point of usually being behind the camera) and then eliminating them one by one until their's only one left.  Ditto of being on the receiving end of being told to move in a certain way.  I don't know if I could be the photographer all day, which is probably why I'm not. The angle is a little odd on the one I chose, but the look on my face was the best of the bunch.  Found a pair of the jeans I like discounted, so bought them and wore those and a tank top for the shoot.  I didn't want to iron anything.

Fingers crossed that one of the letters will come through, one person wrote me back and said, "yes" (reply email made me cry.  It's hard for me to ask for things.  Always surprised when the answer is "yes.")  Now, both have responded.

Am determined to get this book case moved and clear up some space.  Tripped earlier today, and then slipped and almost impaled myself on a drying rack...have accumulated more bruises.  Two more people moved in this week (which makes it more than is actually legal to live in a house.)  That means six people sharing the bathroom...the nine people thing was also stressing me out, eventually just got up some time after 5 am and scrubbed out the tub, because I needed to feel like there was some order to this place (and it needed it.  And I feel I accomplished something.  It looks good.  It looks clean.)

Gonna do my animal observation tomorrow and hopefully get in a long rehearsal.  It was supposed to rain all weekend, but has held out most of the day, maybe it'll do the same tomorrow.  It's the only day I can do it. Think I'll go see a play tonight.  Went with a friend to go see his favorite band last night, I'd seen them once before, and though I wasn't all that familiar with their music, really enjoyed the show.  The crowd around us was rabid.  I'd go see them again.  (Cloud Cult, from Minnesota.  It was a benefit for the teen writing program at Richard Hugo House.  All the proceeds went to the program.  People are doing some great work.  Quiet work.  Art matters.  And witnessing that, gives me some validation in choosing this, over becoming a doctor or something.)

Okay.  Unpack. Oh, three hours?  Think I'll work on the application instead...plus most of my clothes are in the wash.  And this week is ridiculous, once again, should probably stay home.

Bad communication day

Been trying to save up for head shots for a while now, and still hope to get a real one, but finally gave in and scheduled a photo session that was on Groupon.  You only get one picture, but I have to have a head shot for the application, and not having one has kept me from auditioning for work I was probably ready to do.

The more I'm awake today, the more stressed out I am.  I want to believe in the inherent goodness in people, but sometimes...that all falls into question.  I need to do a media fast.  Some of the things that come out of people's mouths (and fingers if they are typing it) are unfathomably...horrid.  Is it just because it's online, or are we really that base and hateful as a species underneath all the social niceties?  Maybe it's the moon?  Communication's been bad for me all week as well, can't tell if messages were received or not...my email's been wacky.  I'm hoping the reference request didn't go into spam, I don't want to keep pestering them if it didn't, and they just don't feel like responding.  Still need to get a phone, too.  Tried calling my parents on the house phone, but they didn't pick up, and the voice mail didn't pick up so couldn't leave a message.  I feel like I'm in some weird bubble that I can't communicate through.  That is also stressing me out.

Will try to go get a haircut before choir rehearsal, maybe the singing will help?  Usually makes me feel energized.

Haircut ended up pretty short, it looks okay, just another communication issue, I said 2" off, she took about 8" off.  Oh, well.  I had this same haircut in my 20's.  Was slightly late to choir, we only practiced two songs and then got to leave, still, I felt good after.  I like singing and I like being around these people, so that helped.

Have had the worst bus karma today (happens), if I'd been wearing different shoes, coulda' run, but...for the last one I missed (I missed many) sat and watched the sun set, the clouds opened up appearing like giant wings stretching out overhead, the sky below, orange and pink and gold.  A wind kicked up, strong, but soft.  A half-hour later, my feet rested, a bus showed up, took me half-way home.  Now I'm listening to the drone of traffic like water, and waiting for the wind to blow through the window and make it cool enough to sleep.

Better to ask

Roommate and I both thought we heard gunshots last night, and got up to check the doors.  Couldn't tell what direction they came from, there were sirens a while later, but they sounded far off.  Can't find anything about it on the news.

Sat up and read a script afterward, "Spiked Heels," Theresa Rebeck, fell asleep and dreamt about being jealous, woke up kinda' bummed out.  I really need to get my insecurities in check, though you can't really help what you dream about, and my rational mind tells me there wasn't anything to be jealous about, really (in the dream) but I was anyway.  Dream also dealt with trying to follow a road that kept getting blocked by construction, and I had the wrong shoes on.  (Play is a take on the Pygmalion story, there are spiked heels involved.  And in reality, there is construction everywhere, it seems.  Blocks the flow of traffic, lots of delays trying to get to work this morning.)  I need to finish unpacking, tired of tripping over boxes.  When, I don't know.

My garden was in worse shape than I thought, everything has gone nuts with the weather.  Kept cutting back what I though were broccoli plants only to realize it was actually one massive beast of a plant.  Must've been some good soil in that spot.  I've cleared about a third of the garden, which felt like an accomplishment.  Now I just have to plant something.  When, I don't know.

Re-wrote out my script with all the cuts, and wrote a statement to send to my (potential) references.  Need to send the emails, procrastinating just makes it worse.  Also, it would be lame to not get my application in because I'm too afraid to ask...I'm afraid, I suppose, because I don't know them all that well, though I think they remember me, I've talked to them both recently.  One of them changed my life, but I don't necessarily think I should tell her that now...several people have been part of that over the past year (the whole "permission" thing.)  The other one made me take responsibility for making things happen; I think I told him that.  Not asking leaves me kinda' paralyzed in the "what if...they say no?" If they say, "no" then I figure something else out.  It is better to know than to be afraid of knowing.  (That would be rational.  But I'm still afraid.)

Need to get haircut, and a headshot, and go do the animal observation, and rehearse.  The caffeine has made me giddy, but thinking of all this makes me want a nap.  Still tired.

Cheers.

Okay, pulled myself together and sent one of them.  (Now I'm afraid to read my email.)  Crud, and there's a Suzuki workshop in July...dilemmas.

Inertia

Got up and cooked and packed a lunch (first time since I moved in) and as I was leaving, suddenly overcome with nausea, so called in sick.  Headache is finally starting to subside, possibly all the supplements I took this morning, possibly food poisoning.  Trying to feel well enough to go to class tonight, we have to work our scene.  I don't want to get behind, we won't have another opportunity to work it in class again for another week and a half.  And I'd like more feedback for our rehearsals.  Plus we need to get the okay on the cuts to the script.

Went to go get coffee to see if it would help (probable) and then sat at the lake and drank it, watching the birds chase each other around.  (I love this location, even if the more I look, the more filthy the house appears...amused about how much the landlord emphasized cleaning in the papers I signed.  It's not been cleaned in a very long time.)  Feeling a little guilty since I'd called in sick, really was sick though.  People near me discussing paddle-boating, and my realization that exercise has no appeal to me...maybe I'm just tired.  Somehow the only exercise I ever want to do is hiking, or maybe dancing. (And I'd definitely do that meditation thing again.)  Stopped by a Thai place for soup (which sometimes makes me feel better), but it wasn't on the lunch menu, so had noodles.  When I got ready to leave, cashier said another customer had already paid for my lunch.  He hadn't even made eye contact.  Appreciate the gesture though, kinda' made my morning.

Physical metaphor exercise was way more fun than I expected it to be (essentially, a wrestling match.)  And I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  And I was thinking, that even though these scenes are "life and death" there has to be more dimension to the characters than just the seriousness, the flatness of straight anger or whatever.  There is a reason that makes it get to the point that any of these encounters happen at all.  There is a reason, any of the characters care at all, need this moment.  Also, works for realizing you can pursue your objective, even if you have to deal with the other person for a while, and even if you have to change tactics to get there...this exercise makes it so obvious.  (Taking the essential conflict for the character, what they want from other character, putting it into a physical form and then both partners going for it at the same time, while reciting the text.)

We didn't work our scene on it's feet, we talked about the characters, and why they are at this crisis, and we cut, cut, cut the script, and we're ending it early.  Have to schedule an outside time to work on it, which is fine, we could probably use more time to figure out the back story.  I finally left the house earlier and went to Bedlam, wrote four pages in 40 minutes of background and character development stuff (if I'm at home, I keep procrastinating, finding other things I "need" to futz around with.)  Still don't know what animal she'd be, though I think I have a song.

It's late and sweltering...a breeze is barely starting to make it's way through the window.  (But I'm not complaining, I like the amount of light that comes in.)

Crud.  Need to ask people for references.  Soon.  Earlier I thought of what I would explain about why I want to do this program, and what I have done so far, but of course, haven't written that yet.  I have to do it, I know these people, but it's been awhile, that would be the least of courtesies I could give them.

(I watched part of the movie version of Oleanna earlier today...I like my interpretation of Carol better.  Can I say that?  Sorry, but I do.  I didn't make her a cliche.  I don't think it should be so easy to choose sides.)

Monday

The meditation last night involved spinning, 15-20 minutes worth.  I kept slowing and stopping just to check on my dizziness levels and to make sure I was fine.  I was fine.  I guess people sometimes focus on a hand, though I didn't (didn't cross my mind to), tried to keep an eye out for the people around me.  With the openness of the chest and the outstretched arms I went into gratitude, reciting (in my head) all the things I was thankful for.  The first half was a long, moving, breathing form.  My mind went all over the place.  I kept thinking that when I got tired my mind would focus more, but no.  Did keep up the form though (and we were all in sync, which was cool to witness.)  I'd like to do it again.

I need to figure out what my character's (Carolyn) deeper crisis is.  And where I find that in myself.  Both of them stopped communicating, she's just more aware of it now.  People take each other for granted over time, not because they don't care, but maybe in part because the objective of finding each other has been met (checked off) and they put their energy into the other parts of their lives, believing the relationship to be solid, but you have to make an effort there, too.  I think over time, these two people changed, perhaps gradually, but their habits and the way they dealt with the world and with each other stayed at the way it was set, and now they both: 1) don't know each other anymore; 2) possibly don't know themselves; 3) find that the language they use no longer reaches the people they've become.  Where she's culpable is in that she doesn't trust him enough to try to share it with him: 1) she tells him she wants a divorce out of the blue; 2) says that she's sorry, that she shouldn't have said anything and just remained unhappy.  I want to keep those in the scene, otherwise, it puts all the responsibility on him, and she needs to bear some, too.

Got a month to pull these together (they will be publically performed.)  Hardly seems like enough time.  We need to work in the fight choreography, too.  I'm on the fence regarding whether or not these people stay together after this is over, there's an issue of narcissism and a lot of violence (at this moment in time, anyway.)

Nice string of sunny days, but still probably too cold to put the tomatoes out.  Kinda' forgotten I bought them...they do alright in spite of me.  (And I need to weed, and harvest the collards-planted a year ago...just produced within the last few months.  They went dormant for most of the year.)  This is why I do not have pets.  (Though pets don't let you forget them, which is good.  Not against them, I like animals, just don't currently have the time or attention span to be directly responsible for them.)

May 11

Oh my god, the scene is way too long, but not sure where to cut it.  I've got pages of writing and I'm barely half-way through it.  The section we discussed cutting has the gist of the play for Carolyn in it, she suddenly finds the language and says, "Nobody explores another person all alone.  You only get in where they let you in.  I never meant that there wasn't more of you to find.  I only meant I was tired of trying to find it alone." (Lee Blessing, Riches.)  Which still doesn't register with him on a deeper level, he then comments that there's hope, because she says there's more of him to know, completely ignoring the little part about not letting her in.  She's banging on the door, and yet for him, it's still all about him.  Sorry, buddy, there ain't no "hope" there if you can't hear what she's saying.  (They still are not speaking the same language, one both can hear.  It's sad: how loneliness exists in a relationship.)

Anyway, have to get what I understand into my body now.  (And finish this dialogue with the text.)

Happy Mother's Day to all who are or have been a mother to someone, whether you have your own kids or are looking out for others who need it.  Thank you.

Avoidance

Ah homework, how do I procrastinate thee, let me count the ways...at least the house is cleaner, and I have food.  (I ended up moving into the house that I had mentioned was dirty.)  Got rid of 13 lbs of documents (they charge by the pound, though, they gave me 50% off.)  Sat and read theatre-related article, but not the actual script.  (Actually talked about actors procrastinating, which seemed gratifying somehow, or at least that I'm not alone in practicing avoidance.)

I went to the diner nearby, and was sitting at the counter, writing.  The man next to me commented that I wrote fast, and we got into a long conversation about handwriting and the value of learning/teaching it in schools, and how it helps you to remember and gain more from class (he's a teacher.)  He's says he writes more with typing.  I like both, I use handwriting for thought generation and memory, and computers for writing papers because of the ability to cut and paste.  He commented that his ideas were more thought out with handwriting, and I commented back that that's because when we went to school, you hand wrote papers, and if you made a mistake, you'd have to start all over again, whereas with computers, you have the freedom of being able to edit easily, which is a godsend.  (I'm 50:50 with that, I can have clear/unclear thoughts with either, but I enjoy handwriting. Plus you can do it anywhere and not have to lug some device around.)

I also think handwriting is good for your brain.  And it's how I got good grades in school, I wrote down everything, hardly ever looked at it again, but I think it made a deeper impression in my memory by using multiple senses to receive the information.  My notes are terribly disorganized, I am disorganized (as all these boxes I'm surrounded by can attest to) but thorough; and the latter is another good reason for being able to write fast, or perhaps, the reason that I do.  It parallels rehearsal in a way, when you get the script up on it's feet, in some manifestation of movement, of back and forth speaking, connection, you discover truths of the character, of the play, through your body that alluded your brain when you only read the material.  The physical action helps connect ideas.

And here I am writing, procrastinating the only thing I absolutely have to still do today.  Half the day gone.

A thousand ways to avoid working. A thousand ways to avoid saying what you want to actually say even though you know it's true.

Later

Not sure what I think of the show: paranoia?  circular (in which case, could have less dialogue)?  Person I went with asked what I thought it was about...I couldn't give a narrative.  The characters flipped places and I couldn't tell which was whole, and which was not, or were they both broken (mentally.)  I got kinda' itchy during the first half, and am super itchy now...where oh where is the benadryl.  No idea what from.

I'm hungry, too, and there are no late night groceries or eateries in the 'hood.  Really need to buy groceries.  I haven't had any food in the house since I've moved in, except cereal, and a few apples.

I offhandedly mentioned liking another show they did, and at intermission I was introduced to someone that was working on it.  I mentioned part of what I liked was the narrative, which is slightly ironic in that walking to the bus after this one, both my friend and I would have liked more of one for this show.  Also, a former housemate was at the bus stop, apparently he lives on the same block.  I was half-thinking maybe we lived in the same house, since I haven't met everyone here, but I don't think so.  (Had the same bus driver as the other night, it's like being on a carnival ride.  He hits every bump in road, takes the corners to rapidly, and hits the breaks hard: if you are sitting side-facing, you really have to hold on.)

Friday

One of the consequences of all this emotional availability training it that even if I get self-conscious on stage and can't always access it, in actual life I can.  My reactions to people tripping or slipping or stepping on each other were always pretty strong but have (somewhat embarrassingly) increased ten-fold, seriously, you'd think that it'd happened to me.  Example: someone accidentally stepped on a dog's tail on the bus this morning, and my gasp, retracting (?) was so loud and reactive, that the guy actually apologized to me.  I can't seem to help it.  Right on the surface, but as soon as I step onto a "stage"...nada.  That's gotta change.

I have to cry twice in this piece, there's something about "packing" the moment, but I don't know how to do that exactly.  Last night I was thinking about it, and then made myself cry, but it's not like I can disengage myself from whatever else is going on, on stage, to focus on some circumstance to hit an emotional trigger: I can't disconnect from my partner.  Both crying instances are isolated from the entrance (so no prep outside for it) and from each other.  How do you go to an "as if" and still stay present?  I'll have to remember to ask about that.  It's possible we've talked about it, but we only just started working seriously on text, which is different than the spontaneity that we were working with before: if the writer puts it in there, you have to do it, and find justification for it (I can do the latter.)  And even if you can get those things (crying, anger, etc.) to happen spontaneously in the moment sometimes, I don't think you can rely on that, so I'd like to learn how to make it happen every time.

We have to do animal observations soon, too.  I'd wanted to do it tomorrow, but I think it (the zoo) might be crowded (Mother's Day weekend) and raining.  Also, I haven't gotten under her skin enough yet to make any observations useful.  (What animal would the character be?)  And we're doing the second half of the meditation on Sunday, so that takes Sunday out as well. (I don't like to feel rushed before class.)  I had an observation about the newly discovered dark cold planet yesterday, that she might also be talking about the marriage (as well as herself.)  And there is instance after instance where they really are not speaking the same language (ie, she says she wants a drink, he tries to solve her "addiction," she's talking in code, using stories, and he's trying to solve the "problem" with a practical solution, etc.)  I really need to find a big chunk of time to sit and dialogue with the script.  Had the time last night, but watched youtube videos instead and fell asleep.  Every word is on purpose.  Everything is toward an action, to get something.  Need to figure out the beats and the wants, too.  Lotta' work to do.

Said I'd go to a show tonight (at least it's an early-ish one), guess I can work on it on the bus.

Clumsy

I am extraordinarily clumsy today, just about everything I've picked up, or even had in my vicinity has taken flight.  It's both annoying and humorous.  Guess I'll keep going into any glass shops off my to-do list.

And in thinking about the training, I have no idea where my life will go.  If I don't apply, at least try, I will not be allowing for the opportunity for it to work out.  Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean there isn't a means to make it happen.  If I don't apply, I essentially shut the door to that.  I mean, I didn't really think this year could work out (how I was going to pay, how I was gonna get home, etc) but it has.  I think it matters to put the effort in, so I'll have to start working on the application, audition, finding a reference (I can't use the people that I've worked with the most because they are part of the program.)

Had clown last night, I still get stage fright, but it's getting easier to get up there and do something, and I'm becoming freer, physically (true in Meisner and elsewhere.)  (And everyone is supportive, it's a fantastic environment for practice.)

Meeting with my scene partner after work to go over script stuff and we need to come up with a physical metaphor (for both of us) for Tuesday.  Skipping choir though, told my director that I need to sleep.  He was nice about it; we had all just done the whole re-commitment thing to the group, so I felt a little lame saying I was skipping to sleep, but I'm getting home around 11 pm almost every night and waking up at 5:30...it's just not been enough sleep, although, I seem to be temporarily cured of my insomnia, and being bothered by light coming in under the door.  Must've been something about the other living situation.  There are things that'll probably bother me, but I've been too frickin' tired to care, maybe it won't matter in the long run.  Maybe they were control issues, because everything about that situation felt unsettled.  Insecure.

One degree of separation.  (Again.)

Wednesday

Not to get all platitudinous here, nor to dismiss an aching loss, but in honor of the lives of those who made a difference in (any of) ours, recommit yourself to being and doing what it is about you that makes the world a better place, in big, loud ways or small, quiet ones.  It doesn't matter.  Your being here does matter.  Remember that.

Blank for the most part

Wednesday.  The light shines through the blinds, the birds sing in the trees, the bus rumbles down the street, I am waiting to meet my scene partner in an hour, two doors up, and I am happy to be here.  Have a minor goal to empty (or move) one box a day or spend at least 15 minutes.  I would like to find socks, at least (and to not trip so much.)  I love living in an attic again, even if it does get blazingly hot.  I can't find anything, still, but I'm no longer stressed out.  (Though I do spend far too many waking moments wondering when I can take a nap.  Still exhausted.)

Thursday.  I feel like everything drained out of me, and there are very few thoughts rumbling around.  I'm having to really dig for coherency.  It's there, just not any kinda' subconscious priority.  Brain does not want to go to deep thoughts without a fight...rest of me doesn't want to fight.  In a two-day first aid class, today was overview, tomorrow is all the practical stuff (CPR, bandaging, etc.)  Feeling super inert, fairly blank.  Supposed to have some personalization of character for tonight, but not clear on what that means...where she resonates in me?  Took lousy notes (for me) on Sunday...I know she wants change.  She wants what's hidden to be explored.  She wants authenticity.  She wants a fight, she must...she never walks out of the room.

What do I want?  I want clarity, or perhaps (since my thought are more absent than fuzzy), substance of thought.

Sunday

We finally decided on a scene, Riches by Lee Blessing.  I read a review of it earlier today and the reviewer ripped into "Carolyn" for not having a good reason for wanting a divorce, which makes me just want to make her reasons stronger.  She wants depth, and this is her way of fighting for it.  I was kinda' on the fence with this one (and it's gonna need fight choreography) but I'm getting more excited for it now.  We didn't have our parallel improv worked out, and had to make it up on the spot today, but I think we connected well, so that's a good thing.  (I was thinking that the essential conflict was that I wanted out of the marriage and he wanted to renew our vows, but even as I said that, I figured there was something else going on; I just hadn't found it yet.)  We have to have props, rehearsal clothes, and character prep for Tuesday.  We perform these mid-June, but there's a lot of homework to do on these between now and then.  Acting is a lot more than memorizing lines, it's learning how to do authentically in imaginary circumstances...and that takes a lot of work.

There was an info session regarding the training intensive that's being offered next year earlier in the day.  I would love to do it, but I don't know how I could pay my living expenses and tuition ($10,000), or make it through the audition process.  It's 27 hours/week of class for 10 1/2 months.  But it's conservatory training, and it's a rare program that will train someone over the age of 30.  I'll probably apply, if it's the right path, then I'll find the means to make it happen.  Cannot see it now, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

Starting to feel more centered again.  Still tired, but back to actually being able to eat.  Happy to be able to focus on the class once again.  Looking forward to having time to unpack and explore the neighborhood more, but that's not happening in the immediate future.  Learning as much as I can now just took priority for me...it's been second, there's such little time remaining for the year.

Exhausted

Got off slightly early last night from the catering gig, didn't get to see any of the performance though: we were short-staffed so I tended bar and then cleaned up.  That was the busiest reception I've worked, 20 minutes of very friendly locusts.  Came home and tried to organize things for a couple of hours after: now I have a path through my room.  Slept like a rock.  Still, I'm exhausted.

On the way to the choir concert today, forgot where I was when I got off the bus and walked in the wrong direction to the venue.  Wandered, lost, for 45 minutes, at one point almost at the top of Queen Anne, which was when I realized I was going in the wrong direction.  It rained and I was wearing heels.  A couple miles later and I was at the venue, a few blocks from where I got off the bus originally, but in the opposite direction.  That's what not taking care of yourself will do to you.  Feel like I've lost my mind.  (I've lived here for 20+ years, how did I get lost?)  Thankfully, someone drove me home, also, it's pouring now.  Concert went well.  I think nine choirs performed. (Heritage Choir Concert.)  That choir is done until September, my Monday nights are free again.

Going to a show in a short while, hope I don't fall asleep.

Back to everyone else's reality

Feeling the grace of the people in my life wash over me, and I am humbled.  I get so scattered, trying to do too many things at once, accomplishing nothing in the process except letting the time pass and so increasing my sense of desperation, so, especially grateful to the people who redirected me to only do one thing and get it done.  (And especially to the one who stayed with me until midnight and told me to go to bed instead of trying to accomplish anything else - I was up half the night anyway, my mind racing, and then up again and out of the house by 6:30 am.  I worry too much, but I had a lot to do, and it did take all day.)  (And the people at work filling in for me, when I kept calling in every day to say I still needed time off.)  Finally slept for a solid five or so hours last night, been months where I couldn't.  If the window is open, there is a constant drone of traffic from the freeway that lulls me to sleep.  The first night in the new house, I saw a shooting star through the blinds. 

I'm living in an attic again, instead of a basement.  The house feels different than where I was, though the set up is similar, more collegial, somehow.  (The woman that lives across from me carried up half my stuff up two flights of stairs, and I had never even met her before.)  I am lighter.  I feel released from things that were keeping me in my past.  I can't find anything, I can't even find the clothing I was wearing the night I moved in (no idea at all) and I feel like a giant bruise, physically, but I can finally eat and sleep again, so that's good.  (As I've mentioned before, for reasons I don't entirely understand, I find moving traumatic, more than just about everything else.  There are things that come close, but this one takes the cake as stress-inducing, for me.  Maybe it's partially that when you pack, you review your life and who you thought you'd be, who you really are, and what you're hanging onto and why...or maybe that's just me: moving as a spiritual exercise, a reexamination of my life.)  I'm busy for the next few days, but will keep chipping away at it until it's livable (the only free space in the room is my bed, every other area is covered.)

Here's to better days.