Wednesday

Weather changed to cold and wet, like we went back to late autumn, skipping over the warm parts of the year, except for all the leaves and flowers. This should be good for trying to not get distracted, though lately, I am always distracted. Really need to buckle down. The last half of our script hasn't been written, and I had other studying to do last night for rehearsal tonight, so I haven't written it either. It doesn't need to be a lot, but we are filming on Friday, and it needs to be approved first, so. Will try to come up with something. Attempted to watch Prizzi's Honor last night (script reference) but I kept falling asleep, I think I got 3 hours sleep the night before. Need to get up and cook now, I have to leave the house within an hour.

Someone made the comment to me about "first-world whining, " last night. Made me think about perspective vs. guilt vs. letting yourself feel, want, have, be something. How many messages are out there that you can't do this, want that, be that, have that because other people are suffering, are unhappy, think you're stupid, it's immature, not cool enough, not normal enough, too nerdy, not good enough, not young enough, not old enough, etc..I'm not talking about criminal things, just basic things, like what you do with your life, pursue, like, love, etc. It's paralysing. It's a cage, and the voices, internalized. I'm just starting to break that, to stop listening, to want anything at all without listening to all the judgement. Wasted so many years unable to move or want, being told with every concern I had that they were not legitimate because someone else, somewhere else, was suffering, so how dare I have anything to complain about. (Does my life not matter? If so, why am I here? Both inside and outside my head it was, "can't can't can't can't can't.") It's no wonder so many people have a mid-life crisis, realizing they made choices based on other people's voices and never considered what they wanted or that they could want anything at all. (And perhaps all this is first-world whining as well.  Or is it common to humanity to want to matter, make a difference, love, feel alive?) And did my immune system begin to attack me because my inner turmoil had no outlet?

After class.  I can see my breath hanging in the air. My brain is empty of things I have learned recently. I need it to not be.