Picture

Came home and started cleaning and missed choir rehearsal (again).  Suddenly needed to get out of house, so went to a staged reading a friend had invited me to.  She wasn't there, but I knew a couple of other people, one of whom ended up driving me home which was cool of her, it was after 10 pm and it would have been a couple of miles to walk.

I think the house is where he lived.  They invited me to see it on Sunday.  Might be awkward...don't know.  Ahhh.  Oh, well.  In the meantime, here's a tree picture.  Blossoms are hanging in there.


Path/L Herlevi 2014

New quarter, sun is shining

Class started up again, out of the gate sprinting.  Lots of work.  Lots of reading.  Some plays I need to try to track down.  We need 15-minute, two-person scenes and I've realized that in a couple of the plays I've been looking at, there always seems to be someone walking in, so maybe not usable.  I should probably look at two-person plays.  We did a cold-reading thing at the end of class last night, got "The Lion in Winter," might look more at that, though I'm not sure how old Eleanor is.  Also, since we only have five men and eight women, need to find some good two-women scenes.  Maybe I'll look at "The Children's Hour" again.  Just needs to be balanced, character-wise.  We also have a nursery-rhyme group project, an emotional memory assignment, scenes from "Hedda" or "Miss Julie" among others.

We sang that swoon-worthy arrangement of the 23rd Psalm yesterday.  Eye-rolling in the back of the head good, I wish we had a reason to sing it again, but onto the next thing.  Another lesson in letting things go.  Just contacted a place where I possibly dated someone, unsure...I don't know.  I don't think we are on bad terms.  A little weird, but totally affordable.  Yesterday, I heard back from someone explaining that what they were renting was actually a hallway.  A hallway.  $500.  We need rent control.  Someone figured that you need to make around $21/hr to actually afford to live here.  I also checked low-income apartments, I did a calculation to see if I was eligible.  I am, but the apartments are $750-$850/month for a studio (more than a third of my income.)  It's not much different than any other studio.  It's getting kinda' scary.  People need to be able to live somewhere, and I don't mean stacked up in "pod" apartments like a bunch of gerbils.  It's greed.

Other thought on the art thing

The bigger art issue (in building an audience, as in other things), is of course our dualistic (at the society level) thinking that we can only move in one direction, that we have to have polar opposites where one side wins and one side loses, and in case of schools (for example) we push for more math and science at the expense of the arts, so we're also not growing that general appreciation for the arts across the board from an early age.  We say it doesn't have "value" (meaning earning potential, I guess...arts have plenty of value in any other sense) and we cut the funding, cut the programs.  And you know art and music should be required, because it helps in other ways of thinking, and it makes life so much more enjoyable.  To take it out of the schools makes it elitist, because it falls into who can afford private lessons (and those are great too, for instruction), and away from a general appreciation, and the ability to explore different possibilities in your life from an early age.  We're closing doors before people have even seen what's on the other side instead of offering a world of possibilities...and that's just tragic.

Back home again

The other show I went to was "Seattle Vice."  A work in progress, I think, in the Central Heating Lab.  A cabaret/brothel set in Seattle in 1965, when there was a lax in the vice laws.  The story line was good in the first half, but got too meandering in the second.  Interesting idea, but rough around the edges.  Fairly raunchy (as the man next to me commented.)  And a very full, and mixed audience, skewing older (60's +) which was interesting to be in...like watching burlesque with my parents, which would be odd.  In their defense, this was only the second night, it runs through the 9th.

The person I spoke to on the phone to reserve the ticket had made the comment that seeing "Little Shop of Horrors" had easily covered the cost of the pass when I asked for a ticket to this show as well (as to why I was going to two shows in the same day.)  The ACT pass is a great deal and they are one of the better houses at offering pay-what-you-can, so I'm not meaning to bitch about ACT (nor the Rep who have free TPS tickets), but theatres, in general, might sell more tickets if they weren't so expensive if you're over 25.  The seat I had sold for $69, I don't know a lot of artists that can regularly afford that, I realize that might be part of the reason for the ACT pass, and there are discounted "industry" nights, or previews, but if you work in theatre, you need to go see shows, and it adds up.  You can volunteer around town, of course, but you also have to make time to do your own work.  Both these show were presumably sold out (though there were empty seats of no shows at the first one.)  But I've gone to a lot of shows with half-full houses...discount the tickets, get butts in seats.  (Comes up in the discussions all the time, about what's not working.  I know there are bills to pay, I want the artists to get paid a fair wage whenever possible, and I want the spaces to exist, but I also want more people to be able to see the work and if the houses are half-empty...I know money's not the only reason people aren't showing up, but it is a barrier.) We are not all rolling in dough once we turn 26, and the difference is like $20 if you are 25 and under vs. $69 for everyone else.  Steep.  That's my bitch for the night. (And I know this issue has existed forever.)

I need to take some sorta' dance class...both shows made me think that. (And the pole dancer's routine reminded me a lot of aerial work, very similar, and she was incredibly strong.)  I'm thinking of hip-hop or tap.  'Night.

Why

The reason I'm writing about this weirdness with the house is 1) if anything were to happen, it's written somewhere; but mostly 2) I feel like that even if this behavior isn't decidedly abusive, it's easily escalating into that territory and silence, isolation and shame perpetuate a cycle of abuse.  If I were to keep this to myself, I might easily justify it (given my past co-dependency) and continue to allow myself to remain in unhealthy situations, making excuses for it.  Because even if it was due to drug use (and I have no clue) on his part, that doesn't excuse it, i.e., you don't get to get wasted and beat someone up and then blame it on the substance (as an example.)  You're still responsible for what happened, at some point in the process you made a conscious choice that slid you from A to B or X or however far it went.  And for the record, because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment, I've been telling everybody, so that I don't.  I don't want to justify the appalling and inconceivable concept that I stepped in human excrement on my basement floor.  (There's nothing physically wrong with anyone here that they couldn't make it to the toilet.)  Apologies for the crudeness.

On a brighter (seriously, it only goes up from there) note, went and saw "Little Shop of Horrors" at ACT this afternoon.  (I have an monthly pass, that I've already paid for but was too busy to use this month, so going to another show this weekend on it.)  And while I'll agree with the friend that thought it was too loud at times (there were moments I couldn't make out what was being said/sung) it was wonderfully well-cast, and very enjoyable.  I think I might have seen the movie a long, long time ago, or part of it.  Anyway, the whole thing, sets, lighting, music, choreography, casting, acting, directing, etc, was well done.  Really fun.  It runs through June, might go see it again.  I called at the last minute, and there were only a few seats available, so ended up with a fifth row, center seat, which was great, but if I were to see it again, I might try to get a side seat because the actors interact somewhat with the audience on the sides.  (And in spite of not sleeping much last night and falling asleep on the bus on the way to the theatre, I was completely wide awake the whole time.)  And it was fun seeing all the Comi-Con folks wandering spilling out everywhere downtown.  Made the city more feel more alive.

And have been actively looking for places, but if there's nothing to call, there's nothing to call.

Now I just want to hide

Ants all over the living room. Was trying to get rid of them by cleaning up what was spilled, vacuuming, roommate unplugged the vacuum (not sure where he came from) and told me it was after 9 pm, which it was...but he's being an ass to me now because I backed out of signing the lease.  (He spoke to the landlord, though he says it's because of the other guy was walking around naked-he's got a shirt and a towel on-and turning on the lights-it's dark in the basement at night, he was trying to see to go take a shower.  The landlord must've told him what I said: I wasn't signing the lease, I stepped in human excrement, and I want out as soon as possible.)  But totally dodged a bullet on this one.  It's going to be a very long month, or however long it takes to move out.  Might have to take up the offer of friend's couch.  Almost afraid to eat my food.  Should probably transfer my mail, too.  Freaks me out.  He's becoming very controlling, not just to me.

Friday, it's raining

and I'm feeling particularly restless.  Not in a bad way, I'm not stressed out (amazingly enough, mentally calm) I just can't sit still and focus on anything for more than a minute.  Perhaps I've had too much caffeine.  Not sure what it is I'm expecting to happen.  Partially, it's the nerves of starting the house-interviewing-speed-dating process.  It's been six years since I've moved, and the year before that, I'd lived in four different places (leases ending, etc.)  As for the rest, shrug...I don't feel bad.  I guess I'm ready for things to change, and I don't know what that's gonna look like, in any aspect of my life, and I'm giddy.  (And I probably need to eat.)

And so it all starts up again.  Wish me luck.

Rained all day/L Herlevi 2014

Pictures

Later, went to this studio series called "The Incubator Series" at Freehold in Belltown.  Tonight was program A (two programs each weekend, for two weekends total).  It was fun.  If I had the time, I'd go see it again.  I recycled my program, I guess I can ask someone what the last piece was called.

Didn't really want to come home, but did.  Got rid of the carpet pieces, luckily they were scraps, so I could remove them.

The light after work tonight was glorious.  Again, I think it has to do with clouds.  Makes me swoon.  More so in the first picture.  These are the same trees in both shots.

Swoon-worthy light/L Herlevi 2014

Afternoon trees/L Herlevi 2014

Want out, now

Well, no longer on the fence about moving.  Motivated to get out.  Was going to meet with landlord this afternoon, but I stepped in a pile of shit (sorry, that's what it was) this morning on the basement floor...and, yeah.  We don't have pets.  Yeah.  Want out yesterday.  Had to clean it up, will probably have to throw out my shoes, but thank god I was wearing shoes.  Tracked it on my carpet.  I was late to work because I had to clean it up (it would be worse later if I didn't, tracked all over the place.)  Came into work and cried on my boss.  It's so freaking psychotic.  I don't think it was meant for me, the two guys who I share the basement with got in an altercation last night, and I think it was revenge, one on the other.  I don't know which one.  I don't care.  It's psychotic.  Oh, god.  My head hurts.  It bothers me more the further in time I get away from it.  Seriously...how do you decide and carry that out?

Got an offer of a couch to sleep on (immediately) and am contacting houses.  And I'm crying again.  And I keep having to remind myself to breathe.  It's just so...disgusting  But again, on the bright side, I've finally made a decision. (A cosmic kick?)

Middle of the week

Woke up (late) from a dream where someone told me they had been wrong about me (poisoned by someone else's words, sounds like a Jane Austen story) and things seemed to be going well and later in the dream, the last I saw of him, he was chasing after my sister arguing with her about what exactly the blood test was...was it the most accurate one (was it a "metabolic panel?" He asked that.  I really did have a blood draw yesterday, but not that one.)  A petty argument, but he cared enough to chase after her.  Sucks.  Just a dream.  Everything finally going in one direction, until it suddenly changes.  (Took notes for Meisner work though, because it's useful, though perhaps only depressing, not quite "life altering.")  Or maybe I just actually need that blood test?  Hmmm.

Was kinda' bummed out when I woke up, though couldn't dwell on it because I was late, and the birds were singing outside, and the sky was light, and I managed to catch the bus in the nick of time, and the sun was rising over the buildings and lighting the cherry trees as I passed through...so, I'm fine again.  A million reasons to let go, but still go back to the neutral set point of yes.  And I will let go eventually, only not today.  And then there is this:

The love you receive will be among your greatest treasures. This is just one more of many reasons why you ought not to waste your time in a relationship that is not reciprocal enough to meet your needs.

(It's from Holiday Mathis, Capricorn.  I like them because they make me think, not because they predict anything.)  And then it's raining again, rain predicted for days.

I didn't upload any pictures last night.  Went to a discussion on art and community and what's working, what's not, what we'd like to see more/less of, etc.  It was a good discussion, a lot of time spent on color-blind casting, and I brought up the building the audience for that, and any work outside of the "norm."  I guess I'll look in the archived message boards for what has been discussed before.  People are starting to look more familiar to me, and several people said they thought I'd been in theatre a while and that I seemed really confident.  I mention that because 1) I don't hear that that much; 2) on my way there I was reading a book about introvert leadership; and 3) aside from the catering and taking classes, well and singing, I've only really been actively involved in anything since January.  Guess it was a good night.  But I fell asleep on the bus on the way home (barely 9 pm) and was too exhausted to do anything but sleep when I got home.

Quiet

It's so quiet inside, I can hear each flower in the bouquet of daffodils open across the room.  Outside, sunlight and the drone of lawnmowers.  If I open the window, it will smell like summer.  Forecast is for mid-60's today, rain tonight.  When I visit the trees in the morning, the grounds are no worse the wear from the weekend hoards.  Today's crowd is building, quieter, more contemplative, strolling and sitting, and always photographing.  Me, too, but I just like being around the trees, and I suspect that's why others are there as well.  It's peaceful.  Even if there are crowds.

Later, at lunch, the crowds are larger, still, tamer than over the weekend.  The sun comes out a little, I sit in the grass where I can hear people playing music, eating celery and reading Oscar Wilde.

Still more people after 5 pm.  Just keep arriving.  Subdued, but upbeat.

Still struggling with getting out of my own way.

Packed a box, think I got rid of at least 30 things. Crammed the recycling bins and garbage as much as possible...the two that moved out this week didn't actually leave that much, thankfully.  Haven't made any calls.  Mañana.  Maybe I´ll set a timer and do that for a 1/2 hour.  The enormity of things overwhelm me.  It's like looking at an endless wall.  I went to showcase of works in progress last night, original works (12 Minutes Max/On the Boards), I have a friend in it.  I admire anyone that gets out there and produces something new.  I was talking to the person I was sitting with about that, how it seems overwhelming when you look at the big picture, but that the circus workshop finally gave me an entry point to approach it.  He was saying he went to a week-long clown workshop last summer and in the evening the space was free to go into and create in.  And how that seemed intimidating but the workshop leader gave them prompts to work with and suggested using music as well.  And so he went in and worked with that and came up with the start of something. 

You just got to figure out how to start.

Have a tree picture, or two.  Limited time only.

In the Morning/L Herlevi 2014

Early Evening/L Herlevi 2014

Addendum, after the show

Still freaking out about living situation, but...Circa was great.  Again, amazing what the human body can do.  And then of course I was like (in my head), "Ooh, I got to work with her!"  (There are seven performers in the show, and five of them led the workshop last night, two women and three men.  At one point I got to do partner work with one of them.)  I have to say though, that my favorite thing was the hula hoop bit, it just looked cool, also the only thing in the show that I could even remotely ever come close to doing.  (Again, would have enjoyed it at any rate, but got more out of it because of the workshop where they talked about the movement language that goes into the choreography.  And again, that was open to the public and free, and did not fill up.  I think there was room for thirty participants... at the end, there were maybe 17.  On the flip side, I think I also got more nervous when they did stuff that looked dangerous.)  Fun.

Saturday

Oh, god.  Just finally read the letter from the management company...I know, I know, I just haven't been able to deal with anything extra lately.  Totally had my head buried in the sand.  I had spoken to them about it over the phone earlier.  Anyway, the gist is that we have to have a lease signed by April 5 (less than two weeks from now) or our rent more or less doubles ($411 to $795.)  Since I'm on break from school, I think I need to drop everything else and figure this out.

After my coaching session, I wandered around the International District before going to a gallery talk.  I encountered a rude clerk in a bakery and somewhat perversely tried to get them to like me.  I don't know if it worked, but it was better than being rude back, as I've been known to do (less now though, than when I was in my 20's.)  Again, in the gallery, even just a little background of the work made me enjoy it more.  It was meaningless to me without context...very (interestingly) conceptual, in the realm of sculpture/performance, tackling the concept of time, and how you mark the passing of it in a form.  But again, I liked it more in context.  There it is again, giving your audience an entry point.

On the way home, the bus broke down, so most of us disembarked and I had been making excuses of why I wouldn't shoot the trees today, but since I was less than a mile, I did.  The walk also gave me an excuse to visit this feed store and the urban farm animals that live there: chickens, ducks, chukars, doves, and enormous rabbits.  I'd been meaning to go see the rabbits for a while now, they are bigger than a small dog.  Also entertained by the feral pigeons that seemed to be moving in. 

I don't know if there was some other event going on, but the Quad was packed.  I've never seen that many people there before.  It was crazy.  Coulda' done brisk business if you'd had the foresight to park a food truck nearby.  Hundreds of people, like you'd expect at a festival with food and music, only just there to photograph the trees.  Then walked back to the University District, and it's quiet and empty on the streets, everything contained, not spilling over into the surrounding world, but magically materializing and dematerializing from that single point.

Saturday Crowds/L Herlevi 2014

Random Gift/L Herlevi 2014

King Street Station/L Herlevi 2014

Circus

Cold out.  Chilled from waiting for the bus, entertained myself by singing a Swedish Christmas song out loud while I waited (there wasn't anyone else at the stop.)  Surprised myself by knowing all of the lyrics.  I'm still cold.

Went to a circus workshop after work tonight, with an Australian performance group called Circa.  It was fun and incredibly generous.  Only 1 1/2 hours, but it was free.  We spent an hour learning some improv "language" in pairs, and then split the group in half and had one group watch as the other one improv'd in the space.  It's the tools they use to put a piece together.  I have a ticket for tomorrow night, excited to see what they do.  Also excited that I have something to share with the clown group I go to, stuff we can learn and practice.  I wasn't sure if I should sign up for the workshop, the invite was ambiguous about how much experience you needed (turned out you didn't need any, just a willingness to participate), but one of the dance professors convinced me to go, in fact, she emailed them...I'm glad I listened to her.  I finally signed up yesterday.  Originally, it was only open to ticket holders, but I think with so many students out of town, they opened it to the general public.  As it was there were only 24 of us, including the performers.

I have a coaching session tomorrow morning, so need to get my monologue memorized, it is mostly, but I want help shaping it, so I need it off book.  It's pretty short, 52 seconds last time we timed it.  It was originally for the general auditions (I had two minutes total to work with), but I didn't end up doing it.  Most auditions seem to use sides (from scripts).  I should work with her on that, too.

No closer on deciding on the living situation.  Mañana.

Here's a tree picture.

5:30 Light/L Herlevi 2014

Mostly for pictures

Equinox.  Mind blank.  Went into a drama library to find copies of the plays and could feel my brain perk up with excitement for the sheer amount of plays and related books, and I want to read everything, but since I can't, left with what I needed plus a potential play for scene work.  Actually have more ideas than I thought I would by now, hope I wrote them down.  Looked up rental listings as well...must depend on time of year, there were a lot, just have to make myself contact them now.

The Quad was crowded at 5:30 pm, the Thursday of finals week.  You'd think everyone woulda' split already.  Second picture is earlier in the day, trying to get a sun flare.  Slight success.

5:30 ish/L Herlevi 2014

Slight flare/L Herlevi 2014

Residue

Yesterday, the song that came into my head as I was re-reading Act II was The Winner Takes it All by ABBA.  This morning, I awoke from a dream that must've been a combination of all the scenes from last night, crowded with people, someone trying to keep me from leaving.  The residue of dreams lingers all day.  Looking at a piece of paper, the sound of hail, the ringing of a phone, triggers the same feeling.

Started reading "The Importance of Being Ernest," after work and then came home and the other woman that lives here was moving out, so now I'm stressed out again.  And cleaning.  And getting rid of stuff.  I really need to call the landlord, check on the monthly utilities (we aren't paying them currently) to see how much it would be to take the whole house for a year, I'll look elsewhere, too.  Just want to keep my options open.  If I didn't have the arm injury, I would be slightly less stressed about moving.  I can't bear weight on it, which means I'll have to get a lot of help to move.

Here are a couple pictures of the cherry trees in bloom, taken right before hail fell.

March 19/L Herlevi 2014

 

Trees/L Herlevi 2014

Winter Quarter's Over

We have twelve days off, but need to read a couple of plays (Hedda Gabler, and Miss Julie) plus find scenes we'd like to do for the final presentations in June, over the break.  Bunch of shows to go to as well, just realized I could get into both the shows I was trying to choose between with the TPS membership, plus the last ticket on my pass.  Need to figure out the housing thing as well...running short of time.

So, the scene went in an interesting and unexpected direction tonight.  She had us throw a bathrobe at each other, which helped to really deliver intent to each other, but the last three exchanges of text are: "You think I'm a, of course I do.  You think I'm a frightened, repressed, confused, I don't know, abandoned young thing, of some doubtful sexuality who wants power and revenge, don't you?" "Yes, I do." "Well, isn' that better.  And I feel that that this is the first moment which you've treated me with respect, for you told me the truth."  Well the last line, is the one where I was taking the meaning that it was over from, that there was no hope left, but when I did the former, he softened and put his hands on my shoulders (we were facing each other) and mind you, this is someone I've accused of sexual assault, so totally not appropriate, so I threw them off.  At which point I walked away and he started crying, and it all totally threw me off.  I wasn't sure what to do.  As a human being, and from working off of your partner, I felt like I needed to respond (more kindly) to it, but I don't know if the character would, so I didn't.  When I asked about it later, she said that he did give me a type of truth. (Plus, he does beat me at the end of this act, and with the history of the characters and his appeal to "my feelings" in this scene, it could also be a ploy, on the part of the character.)  On a side note, read yesterday that there was a different ending originally.  Harold Pinter staged that version in London.  I want to find it.

The play is about power, those who have it and those who don't.  I've heard a lot of people say it's all about the whole sexual politics thing, but I'm not seeing it that way.  I actually read Act II again today to see if I was missing something, but no, it's about privilege and power.  The accusations of racism and classism are just as important as the sexism.  And then he makes up his own rules, so, she's never gonna win in that world, the target, the rules are always changing.  I'd love to spend more time with this, but on to the next thing, and the next, and the next.  Class ran late, too.  Time to sleep.

Woke up (Wednesday) feeling a little guilty about the crying thing.  She made us sing the "tea pot" song after the scene in a bad accent to let the tension go. (I'm a little tea pot, short and stout...)

Tuesday

Thoughts and prayers to all affected by the helicopter crash this morning.

Flight/L Herlevi 2013

Almost over

In regards to acting, I remember a teacher saying about a year ago, that sometimes you don't know why you say a particular line, what it means, until the final show.  I'm getting there through reading it over and over again, and rehearsing, and discussing it with scene partner.  Last night I made the connection throughout the play (Oleanna-Mamet) of the assault charge, how one could take the words and actions and come to one conclusion, whereas to the person doing them, there was no connection in their mind, though, it would be a pattern of (questionable) behavior.  I remember distinctly, in the late 80's early 90's women (mostly) were starting to talk about this openly, about assault and what constituted that, "no means no," "I didn't call it rape," etc.  So, I can see how "Carolyn" can come to the conclusion: misconduct (words and actions) leading to assault (he grabs her in Act 2) leading to rape, on a continuum. 

Also, at the end of our scene she says, "Isn't that better. And I feel that that is the first moment in which you've treated me with respect, for you told me the truth." And after everything that has happened up to that point, I think she finally realizes that 1) he doesn't care; 2) he thinks she's "full of hatred;" and 3) there is no hope, he's not gonna see the light and change.  She won't save him, and even if she did, he will not give her the credit for it.  In that sense, she's lost, has nothing to lose any more.  It's like when a relationship is on it's death throes, and the two of you are fighting, and one person hopes that the other will see their point of view, and change.  Hoping that they can fight and disagree, but still love each other and work things out.  Hoping against all odds, only to realize the other person checked out a while ago and there is nothing left.  That's what I saw in it yesterday, and I don't know how to organically get to that place in the course of the scene, but that's the meaning for me now (for the end of the scene.)

Scene partner reminded me that I still need to come up with the secret, the one she tries to tell him in Act 1, but is interrupted by yet another phone call he takes.  Could do a lot more with it, always, but have to present what's ready tomorrow.  (We rehearsed last night and won't be able to again before we present it.  We managed to get both, locked out in the pouring rain, and we banged on the door for 20 minutes before he tried yelling from the alley-all of our stuff, including his phone, was in the studio, and then later left in the space when someone had turned off all the lights and locked up.  It wasn't even that late, 9 pm.)

Rainy Sunday

Feel like everything is disintegrating and it takes so much effort to not let that happen, to change anything, to stop the entropic slide.  I can't drop the class just because I have to move.  Things were already hanging very tenuously in the balance, the move just threw it over the edge.  All I want to do is sleep, but burying my head in the sand isn't going to make anything happen.  We have ten or so days off between quarters.  Yesterday in the workshop the facilitator mentioned something about setting a timer and working on one thing for five minutes.  That would probably be helpful.

The (audience engagement) workshop was good.  I thought maybe I would be an outsider because I'm not actively presenting anything, but it was helpful.  Before I went I was thinking perhaps there really was a difference between visual/music vs dance/theatre, because the first is often curated and you tend to get a story around why that choice was made.  I mean even when you see a band in a bar, they will often introduce songs, and in visual art, whoever curated made a choice of why they are showing this work and they tell you their point of view.  But after the workshop, I'm not sure it matters.  I think it's more that all parties directly involved come to an agreement on the point of entry for experiencing the art.  There were several steps in the process, but the last one, which I also like, and hadn't thought about was: what change do you wish to make in the "audience" by presenting this work?  We worked on this in groups at the very end, for about 20 minutes (this would be a much longer process).  My group had two Frida Kahlo pieces that she painted after she left Diego Rivera, and we thought about resilience and depression and so our entry point was "finding light in the darkness" and one of our audience engagement ideas was having people share stories of overcoming something in their lives, and the take away was that people would feel a sense of connection, both to others because they weren't alone, and also to their own inner strength.

I don't get the vote in Crimea to be controlled by Russia.  There wasn't freedom for the average person in the USSR (or maybe life was rosy, and it was the western propaganda I grew up with that makes me believe that, that is a possibility), why are people allowing this to be re-formed?  The Crimean people interviewed on the radio a week or so ago said they didn't want to be oppressed by Ukrainians because they were ethnically Russian...but it didn't sound like that had actually been happening.  It's fear-mongering.  They threw away an opportunity for self-determination, because they were afraid of something that might happen.  And now there is a nervous ripple throughout the former Soviet bloc that Putin will invade to "protect" ethnic Russians...like him or not, that man is shrewd, passing laws over the years to give himself unlimited power and to allow ethnic Russians to have Russian citizenship so now he can "freely" invade sovereign nations when he feels like it using the excuse that he's protecting "Russian" citizens...they could also be repatriated into (already existing) Russia without the land grab.  It's not about them.  Things are happening way too fast.  What's he really after?  We don't need another world war.  (My very surface opinion.)

Holiday

Tonight in choir we had a "chat" about re-dedication of ourselves to the choir.  Which essentially boils down to "respect."  Respect for the commitment we made to sing, respect for the ensemble (and one another's time), and respect for our own lives.  I'm very guilty of not being on time.  And that's true in every part of my life, except theatre.  And I realize that I need to have respect for the things I've committed to, and if I'm making excuses, I need to re-evaluate my life, and if I'm late or resentful because I'm over-committed, I need to drop something.  There's no point in being half-assed.  It is my life, if I don't respect those things in it, I'm not valuing my own time or my own life.

We've also begun work on this arrangement to the 23rd Psalm that our accompanist wrote.  Dissonant and beautiful.  Difficult to learn (no help finding the notes, you just have to have them), but oh so lovely.  Feel really lucky to be working with him.

Volunteered at auditions again today.  After the lunch break, they let me sit in the booth for an hour and watch the afternoon auditions, which included singing.  I love watching the commitment hit, the brave choices, the process.  And there was this thing that happened, this embodied connection in the singing or in the monologues. I can't put my finger on it, nor could I point out when it wasn't there, as much as I could when it was, and when it was, I wanted to cheer.  As a volunteer, you get a lot of access to the process, and you can learn a lot: how people behave, enter, transition, exit, write their resumes, what they choose for a headshot, what they choose to present, etc.  I'm glad that I took the time off to do it.

Did I already mention this?  I'm starting to connect as my character to the other character, I'm catching it happening more with this piece we are working on.  I don't know if it's because I've spent so much time with the material, or if it's the accumulated 220 + class hours we've spent so far, week after week.  I still have trouble trying to prepare to enter, and that's something I need to work on, but something has shifted, I can feel the difference in my body and how I don't feel like a lump on the stage as much as I did a year ago. (Then again, I have most of the dialogue.)  It's similar to finding myself suddenly grounded in class a couple of weeks ago.  It's as if the practice creates a new groove to follow, breaking old patterns.

At lunch I took silly pictures of seagulls.  Someone was feeding them cake when suddenly they all took off, and I looked up and an eagle was passing overhead.  It went on it's way, not paying any attention to the gulls or the people, and the gulls eventually settled down enough to land again.

Fountain, March 13/L Herlevi

Swimming in it

Slightly disturbed that I immediately identified with the one who wielded all of the power in the play.  My empathy has swung more in the other direction now.  First impressions aren't always correct, we bring so much of our societal views into it, our own baggage.  Robin told a related joke, something to the effect of an older fish passing by two younger fish and saying, "How's the water today, boys?" and the younger fish answering, "Fine," but later after he swims off, one says to the other, "What's water?"  The idea I take from it is that we are so immersed in the way things are, we aren't aware of it.  That "John" is so wrapped up in his privilege he can't see it.  That if he were to experience for one moment what everyone else (not of that same privilege) experiences on a daily basis, it would be newsworthy.  He doesn't "get" the struggle that "Caroline" faces daily, against which, if she stops fighting, she sinks.  And now she's fighting not for herself, but to reform the system; she's starting with him.  (In the first act, she says again and again, "I did what I was told." But it didn't make any difference.  She is trying to do what she's been told, but gets patronized.  When she tries to explain herself, she gets written off as "angry."  He labels her and stops listening.  The system wasn't set up for her.)

The ending and the reason I was told it was written, make it ambiguous, still.  But I have to make a choice none-the-less.  The person I was talking to said that the first time he saw the play, he took a woman and she hated it.  They later saw a different performance and she liked it.  He said he didn't think it was Mamet's intention to necessarily make "Caroline" the villain, but that was the director of the first performance they saw's choice.  The second director made a different choice.  And you can do that, because there is some ambiguity.  You think it's one way, and then, no, it's going in the other direction.

So, if there were a song...originally I was thinking Pat Benatar, either "Heatbreaker" or "Treat Me Right."  Then I thought, Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman," or then Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive." Probably will go with Reddy for "You can bend but never break me, 'cos it only serves to make me, more determined to achieve my final goal.  And I come back even stronger, not a novice any longer, 'cos you've deepened the conviction in my soul."  The sparring partners we have in life make us grow, make us stronger...hopefully, both of us are transformed in the process.  (The weak dig into their position deeper, the strong transform.)  She came in the room to get help with a class, and ended up finding a purpose (even if she eventually pushes it too far.)

Monday

Volunteered at the general auditions this morning.  It's energizing.  Didn't want to leave.  (Met people.  Got to watch a few auditions after the first break.  Now have a much better sense of: what to wear, how to introduce yourself, how to transition.)  Just gotta say though, that if you're gonna be a no show, can't be good karma.  Maybe less of an issue on a union day than on the non-union days, but there is a loonnnggg wait list of people that woulda' liked that spot.  Just sayin'.  I want this life.

Just saw on my calendar that I was supposed to go to some (cryptic) performance over the weekend, that I missed.  It was on my work calendar.  "Cryptic" because I wrote down very little except the time and the venue.  I'll have to look it up.  I suspect it had to do with women's voices, as Saturday was International Women's Day.  I need to keep track of my life better.

Just met someone who knew Mamet (knows?)  Gave me a little more insight into the play.  Also from class last night, much of what I've been thinking about her: yes...and (all of those are/could be true.)  I like her more now.  Seeing her as someone on a type of crusade for change, and not just out to destroy him.  She's trying to "school" him in this scene, to get him to wake up and change.  Doesn't explain the assault accusation nor the ending, but I'm all over the place on the ending, could mean a lot of things.  Who is "the group?"  What would I (the actor) fight for?  What do I want?  What is my moment before?  Still unsure of how to prepare to enter.  He asked me to show up.  I was advised by others not to.  I think he knows about the assault charge. (But I find out over the course of this act that he does not.)  I walk in with a list of demands, and also I want to explain to him where he has erred.  I'm trying to save him.

Started reading the play, again, on the bus.  Had more insights, but couldn't find my pen.  Looked out the window and there was a massive, flattened rainbow to the north, lying across the top of a hill.  Water running.  Rain drops hanging off of every tree branch like tiny sparkling stars.  Clouds parting and falling back to the horizons, sunlight breaking through and bathing it all in a blinding white light.  The clouds have now retaken the sky.  I believe it will rain.

Rain

Didn't end up beating the rain.  It's been pouring non-stop for hours.  Just got home from sitting in a neighborhood bar (neighborhood coffee shop lost it's lease) and drinking coffee, re-reading the script.  I've changed my mind: now think that at the end her eyes are opened and she realizes that they'v have both been destroyed, that she was a mere player for someone else's cause "the Group."  She never had the power, she was only a pawn.   I still don't know what the action is, but I'm beginning to have empathy for her.

Now, blasting the Clash and trying to part with things to make moving easier.  Moving is liberating.  It will be liberating, I just worry about paying a higher rent, how I'm gonna do that.  I sorta' looked around last month, need to get more serious.  Still need to do my empathy exercise for class...break.

Overwhelmed with objects, papers, books, clothing.  Ugh.  Evening falls with one clear bird song to welcome the dark of night.  So bright and loud I can hear it through the closed windows, over the pounding of the rain.  And I just remembered that I need to cook the peas, which are a pretty brown color.  I hope they cook fast.  Switched to Built to Spill.  I hate moving.  The process of it.  Even if the outcome is better in the long run.  Need to let go.  Again, "let go or be dragged." Ugh.  Memories don't live in objects.  Love doesn't live in objects.  Knowledge doesn't live in objects.  Anything you have is somewhere inside of you.  "Let go or be dragged."  (Over-cooked the peas, apparently, they cooked quite fast.  Noted.)

Weird head space

Searching for what to do with "dried green field peas" wondering if they are the same as "pigeon peas," starting to think, no, but related?  Ate pigeon peas as a kid, in rice dishes mostly (Puerto Rican.)  Finally getting the rice dust to flush out of my eye (from airborne dust at a performance, beautiful, that I went to last night.)  Got it there at the standing ovation (dust got to a good height), and then there was another 10 minutes or so of one dancer raking the rice in a circular pattern.  Meditative.  And then back outside into the noise of a building Friday night.  The performance was Cloud Gate Dance Theatre of Taiwan, Songs of the Wanderers.  Originally performed in 1994, a mixture of Buddhist story/eastern and Georgian chant/western, and 90 minutes of falling rice, or maybe 80.  One performer stands unmoving, at the front corner of the stage under a stream of pouring rice the entire time (until the raking part.)  It affected me the same way the throat singers did; I see them as similar, even though one was very active dance and the other musicians sitting in chairs: both spiritual in nature.  This one was a journey to search for enlightenment, which at it's core is universal.  Even if you don't adhere to a religious belief or practice, underneath the striving for the surface stuff, you are searching at some point.  For meaning.  For God.  For depth.  For purpose.  For love.

I went to the talk before the performance, and the speaker spoke briefly about how the choreographer doesn't like to tell you what the show's about, because he likes movement for movement's sake and even in a performance like this one, he wants each audience member to have their own interpretation.  Yes.  But still we have a sense of where this piece came from (kids playing in a sandbox in New York, Georgian chants, Siddhartha, etc.) and some backbone to the story.  I'm re-looking at my thoughts on that (that statement certainly stood out for me, and I'm going to an audience engagement workshop next weekend and they asked a similar question they want us to answer before the conference.)  Again, I don't want it spelled out for me (that also would get in the way of engagement; I wouldn't need to bring my own imagination to the performance), but I do want an entry point.  I want to know how to enter your world.  I want you to want me there to experience it because you created it to share with an audience and not just to perform it for the ticket price without any back and forth of experience or conversation (with my imagination.)  Yeah, you need to get paid, but that can't really be the main reason you choose to do art (also, doesn't pay well, overall, you would make more money doing something else, and probably be happier, if that was the main reason.  So, if you take that off the top, you want to share something with someone.  So, bring them into that.)

Need to get out and take clothes to H&M before the rainstorm's back, and get back into my character.  I was doing some writing as her before the performance last night, and I was starting to get an inkling of where she was coming from.  Can't articulate it yet, and it's a little disturbing to go into that head space.  But I need to have an action before tomorrow.  Have the text down most of the time now, meeting w/scene partner 2x before class, so hoping to flesh something out before class.  In a weird head space, need to get out into the world.  Ciao.

A tough nut to crack

Haven't cracked this character yet.  There's something about sexism and power, and she claims a false power: destroying someone else isn't an authentic power, it's only bringing someone else down to your level of lack.  She finds out in this scene that he doesn't know of her latest accusation to destroy him, but when he gets the phone call and tells him to take it and stays to watch what happens (this happens right after our scene ends.)  And yet continues to make demands.  Also can't tell if she's actually smart and playing dumb in order to entrap him, by writing down everything he says...and he tells her too much, or ?  She got into the school.  At times I feel she's trying to dumb everything down, but she's cagey, with a huge chip on her shoulder, taking every word and action out to the extreme meaning, using it to turn the tables and punish him.  Crying wolf...oh, then there's the very end of the play: maybe she's punishing him for not finding her worthy of seduction.  That's a thought.  We have less than two weeks 'til we present these.

Just had the most ridiculous, fortuitous timing on a work project that had a bunch of moving targets: every part fell into place right as the previous part was ending.  Weird and wonderful.  That was just...wow.  (It seemed like it was too complicated and then just fell into place in a way that couldn't have been planned out: space, painting, movers, meetings, furniture assembly and moving, cleaning...)

Finally home at a decent hour...at least I got to the laundry.  (And first page of dialogue memorized.)

For some reason, just remembered how much I liked the movie "Jesus of Montreal."  I was telling someone they should see it and almost started crying.  The unexpected (in his case, the role) changing your life.

Characters

On first read through, there's nothing likable about "Carol" at all.  And in a weird way, it's refreshing; I like having to really dig into her to find empathy for her.  She might be the first character I've come across that I don't have any (none) empathy for; none of the: well, she did this because of such and such...and she must have, but I don't care to hear it.  Yet.  It's my job to find it.  To justify her actions.  Is she leading or following when she sets out to destroy him?  (Granted, he's not a likable character either.)  What would lead you to just annihilate someone else?

As far as Spoon Rivers go, I guess it went better than I was thinking it might (for me.)  Better than Sunday.  The whole set up was cool: a "congregation" of sorts, each member getting up to speak their truth in front of the group and sitting down again.  My biggest regret is that I didn't sing my whole song, which had meaning for me, for my character (Frankie Goes to Hollywood, The Power of Love.)  I followed other people's examples instead of my impulse, not wanting to stick out, to "show off" (ah, not wanting to "take up too much space"...got it) which it really wouldn't have been, the words meant something and I needed to say/sing them to him.  I need to do what's right for me as opposed to following.  The two people after me sang entire songs, which I appreciated.  I appreciated that they did what they had set out to do, what they needed to do.  (And everyone else probably did too...I just need to do what's right for me, and not be intimidated if what's right for someone else is different.  I don't have to be them.  It's okay to stick out.)  I did force myself to keep the accent, good or bad, whatever, I often chicken out.

It's raining hard again.  The drain outside the basement is backed-up, the basement will flood, and the ants are streaming in to get out of the water.  (I didn't bail it because I needed to catch a bus.  The landlord never did fix the gutters on the roof, and so they pour excess water into the basement drain.)  Almost 60 degrees.

Another day, another storm

Working on the Oleanna scene, my poor scene partner barely gets a word in edgewise, of four pages of text, a good 2 1/2 are my character just going off (he has one small paragraph and I have six) and then there is actual back-and-forth dialogue, where we continually cut each other off.  (I've usually gotten the one-word replies to someone else's diatribe, now I get the diatribes.  It's a lot to memorize.  One of the things I was inspired to do after the 14/48 Festival was to memorize my text faster, those actors were getting their text and blocking down in mere hours.)  I need to read the play, I actually found part of the script online, but the characters interrupt each other so much I didn't get a sense of what they were talking about.  It seems on the surface that one is destroying the other's life, or perhaps they both are.  There are implied accusations, but I need to know what those are.  And they take a long time to say what they mean to say.

I think I've figured out more about Emily Sparks, at least I hope so, those are finished tonight.  I'm not always able to communicate outwardly what I know inside.  I think I'll change my song as well, it's a love song, but perhaps I want my love to save him in the end.  If I didn't, why would I feel the need to speak to him?  (And a star will shine brighter and shoot across the sky in answer, all in my imagination since I don't get to actually speak to him.  Only search through the darkness of the night, in hopes that he can hear me, that I always loved him.) Then we have only two more classes (one is only a work through w/scene partner) before we have to present the scenes.  We've only got four more classes, counting tonight.  This quarter has flown.

Oh, total clashing of personalities, points of view.  Yes, I have to read the whole thing, she has a secret, I need to find it.

Rain, rain and more rain.  I want to eat my own food.  I have food in the house, but no time to cook it...just not home at all this week, barely enough for time to sleep.  I need to learn to ask for what I need or want...boundaries?  I need someone to cook for me.  (Even my writing sounds like I'm running on only caffeine...that's true so far today.)

Ooh.  There is such a thing as "slang" flash cards...very distracting.

Centered but pissed

What would "winning" a war in Crimea even look like?  (War, as opposed to a peaceful resolution, withdrawal.)  It's just the latest fire, a symptom of a larger issue, where he changed the laws to give himself unlimited power: there is no scheduled sunset on his reign.

Other life.  Was talked into staying for the whole concert with the carrot of a ride to meet my partner.  That was actually nice, and it was dumping rain, but I paid for food, and didn't have a chance to eat so that I could rush to meet my partner (it's true, I was about 15 minutes late, but I said I might be.)  Anyway, he wasn't there.  I was so pissed I didn't try to find him (he was hanging out with someone else, but he had an appointment with me.)  I should have, but I felt like staying in the self-righteous anger.  And now I don't get to actually look at him when I do my piece, which is tough, because I have no cues to go off of (so, how do I know if my voice reaches him?)  And I read too fast, and I wasn't connected, but I did go first...she said it showed I wasn't prepared, which is true enough, I'm not sure I understood what exactly "being prepared" meant.  Last chance is Tuesday.  He does get to look at me though.  I need to get more specific on why I need to say this to him.  I have two images of him: the child, and the person being kicked outta' town, I need to flesh out the intervening years, if only to understand why he says what he says to me.  We got partnered again for final scenes.  That's one way to work shit out.  (Oleanna, David Mamet.)  I generally like working with him, I suppose I just needed to be pissed off tonight, but I don't get to stay that way.  I don't like being stood up. (Or being addressed by the wrong name, or "you."  I know I'm being petty.)  Still, if it's true we have to teach others how to love us, we also have to teach others how to treat us.  Just a thought, I put up with being last and receiving crumbs as if it's a feast...and it's really not.  Obviously, this is about more in my life than my scene partner standing me up, and the latter is only a big deal in the context of everything else.)

Good things about today?  I made a lovely vegetable tray for the Finnish event; we sang Tuljak relatively slow and so got most of the syllables in-and everything was translated(!) in the program;  I was really centered in my body when we did "grid work" (a group exercise, set to music, where you move as if on a grid, and interact with one another...and work up a sweat), like really grounded and really free, in a way I have not been this year; being in class makes me forget everything else...that's always a good thing.

Ugly

News seems to get worse everyday.  Government destabilized and neighboring army invades to seize resources, under the guise of protecting people speaking the same language who were under no threat from anyone.  Sanctions seem meaningless, and wishy-washy.  So sick of war, people forced out of their homes and into overcrowded refugee camps to slowly starve, attacked and raped or killed when they venture out for food or water or fuel.  This is no life.  Limbo that drags on with no end in sight or a glimmer of hope to ever return home.  Maybe there will be relocation if you are lucky, and always carrying the longing in your soul for a home you can never return to.  There have been liberations where lives have improved (WWII), but I can't think of any countries in my lifetime that are better off for wars fought on them, there are some that are functioning again, but so many are only limping, in tatters, full of mistrust of the "other" whomever that may be.  I don't know what needs to be done, what can be done.  The aggression needs to be addressed.  I just don't see who has the moral grounds to address it at this point.  So many governments currently guilty of the same actions to seize resources...(look at the maps over the past 200 years and see who occupied what country, what the official language is.)

Still if help is being asked, someone needs to step up and answer, regardless of the hypocrisy. In the end, the lives of actual people being at stake should take precedence over any past action.  None of us have clean hands; this is not the time to tie them behind our backs in shame.

No Snow, Yet

As oft repeated, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."  I was thinking that, and then it was the next heading in the book I'm reading.  My disgust over biased reporting grows and grows.  Who can you trust?  Being informed citizens is an important pillar of democracy, and it's hard to be informed when you are being fed someone else's agenda, and we're bombarded from all sides.  Picked up the Beauvoir book today, quite the tome.  Got my haircut this morning, it looks healthier, but more conservative than I like.  I wanted it for headshots...maybe if I wear eye make-up...Stopped in at a wine tasting, got a little tipsy as the pours were generous and there were seven of them (and I hadn't gotten around to eating yet.)  Surprisingly, I liked the Cab-I don't, usually- it was more rounded than what I've had before, but bought a white because I mostly just wanted it to make risotto, and it was less expensive.  A man was visiting from Japan, and somehow I ended up in that party and so they shared this Japanese chocolate with me.  Wonderful.  The most luscious milk-chocolate I've ever tasted.

Finally saw the record-wanting ex again today, it's been since Christmas Eve, but he was in a truck waving at me in an intersection, so not the best time to tell him to come get his records.  I hope I see him again, before I have to move.

The local news station has rain in the forecast, the University weather lists 80% chance of snow, I'll hope for the latter.  It's chilly out.  I'm lazily watching a movie now because it's due tomorrow.  I also have a concert (tomorrow) that I didn't know about until yesterday and I told my scene partner I'd meet him at 4:30 to go over text, since we have to be off-book for class later on.  I guess I'll sing the first half of the concert, I can't stay the whole time, the venue isn't the easiest to get to class from by bus.  I really need to write these things down somewhere.

Been having vivid dreams; they leave me happy.  Then I wake up and imagine the worst case outcome, (would work for class), and then a neutral one.  Then all day, I don't know what I think or feel.  Need to stop driving myself nuts.  Patience.  There's nothing I can do.  Nothing I should do.