Went to sleep irritated, woke up in a foul mood, state of the world generally feeding that and making it grow.
The seagull baby waits at the elevator, hoping to get back to the rooftop, I suppose, or at least out of the sun.
Working on the dance, makes me feel better.
Well, that was fun...now what? Clown makes acting concepts so much easier to absorb. I guess it's a different kinda' pressure, a different approach to the same concepts: entrance, energy, events, games/actions, how to play with getting what you need, connecting, finding impulses, allowing whatever happens to happen, becoming "full" with whatever is happening to you, knowing when and how to leave.
Tonight was the last class until next summer. Can spend the next twelve months finding my clown's identity. I'm not sure, I see other people's clowns starting to gel. What does my clown talk like? How does it walk? What is my gender? How do I respond in different situations? Do I have any physical tics or things I like to say?
I want to do more with the choreography, breaking the form, making it less expected. What's interesting is finding a truth in the unexpected...and taking the audience there with you.
And I feel so much better now.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Thoroughly enjoying this
Eat, sleep, breathe, and dream "Sweet Georgia Brown;" that's the song for the dance. Enjoying creating this dance so much more than I thought I would. Tend to dread things before I do them (too much thinking, not enough action.) The improvs make me nervous though, I don't trust that anything will happen without my making it happen, and it stresses me out. In the end, it would be fine to just be there if I were truly present, and something would happen. The point would be to be there and act on impulse.
We've been "given" another seagull baby, the parents must push them off of the roof. This one is pretty young, still wearing it's fuzzy, polka-dot plumage, though older than the one at the zoo. It moves pretty fast, at one point it was under my window rustling around, had to go around a building to get there. It can't fly yet, though it was practicing running and flapping its wings. Anyway, the Cooper's hawks are also close by, but the gull must have hid itself well: it survived the night. Have had brief sightings today.
I actually feel good about the audition (cold reading) and I think I read it well, got the gist and flow of the text, though I didn't go bombastic, and I doubt I got cast: I think they went for known quantities, people they'd worked with before (such as the other directors involved...and the call had said something about free sandwiches.) It was for a festival of shorts, some really good writing, too; would've liked to have worked on it, but c'est la vie.
(It was) an interesting experience: everyone auditioned in front of everyone else. There weren't all that many actors, which makes it weirder (in a wall-flowery kinda' way) to not be cast in anything. Did tell someone about the Meisner interviews coming up, and think he will apply. I make it sound like a cult (when I write about it), which it's not. I think it made me a better actor, but if I don't get cast in anything, no one but the people who went to our final showcase are ever gonna know that. Yeah? Yeah.
Keep auditioning...the promise of "free grilled cheese sandwiches" never was fulfilled. And I walked half-way home under starry skies working out dance steps. The music playing only in my head.
We've been "given" another seagull baby, the parents must push them off of the roof. This one is pretty young, still wearing it's fuzzy, polka-dot plumage, though older than the one at the zoo. It moves pretty fast, at one point it was under my window rustling around, had to go around a building to get there. It can't fly yet, though it was practicing running and flapping its wings. Anyway, the Cooper's hawks are also close by, but the gull must have hid itself well: it survived the night. Have had brief sightings today.
I actually feel good about the audition (cold reading) and I think I read it well, got the gist and flow of the text, though I didn't go bombastic, and I doubt I got cast: I think they went for known quantities, people they'd worked with before (such as the other directors involved...and the call had said something about free sandwiches.) It was for a festival of shorts, some really good writing, too; would've liked to have worked on it, but c'est la vie.
(It was) an interesting experience: everyone auditioned in front of everyone else. There weren't all that many actors, which makes it weirder (in a wall-flowery kinda' way) to not be cast in anything. Did tell someone about the Meisner interviews coming up, and think he will apply. I make it sound like a cult (when I write about it), which it's not. I think it made me a better actor, but if I don't get cast in anything, no one but the people who went to our final showcase are ever gonna know that. Yeah? Yeah.
Keep auditioning...the promise of "free grilled cheese sandwiches" never was fulfilled. And I walked half-way home under starry skies working out dance steps. The music playing only in my head.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Stubborn
Why am I feeling so much internal resistance to the program? Am I just being stubborn (or lazy, a possibility) or is it the wrong time? Can't tell where this is coming from...external or internal? If I want to be an actor/performer, this would be a good program, right? So much resistance, even just to consider the possibility.
Later, need to come up with a clown dance for Wednesday. Have work, internship, and (fingers crossed) hopefully, an audition tomorrow, so working on the dance in my head. Luckily, I know the song, and it has an uncomplicated rhythm to work with. He said to give it a couple of hours, we'll see...bus stops, lobbies, etc. It's just that and improv work, and that's it for the year: it'll be the last class, until next summer. I'm starting to feel the exit, but have a long way to go.
Almost midnight, too hot to sleep. I should get some ice or something.
There aren't a lot of streetlights, it'll be good for shooting stars soon.
Yes, I do have an audition.
Later, need to come up with a clown dance for Wednesday. Have work, internship, and (fingers crossed) hopefully, an audition tomorrow, so working on the dance in my head. Luckily, I know the song, and it has an uncomplicated rhythm to work with. He said to give it a couple of hours, we'll see...bus stops, lobbies, etc. It's just that and improv work, and that's it for the year: it'll be the last class, until next summer. I'm starting to feel the exit, but have a long way to go.
Almost midnight, too hot to sleep. I should get some ice or something.
There aren't a lot of streetlights, it'll be good for shooting stars soon.
Yes, I do have an audition.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
In a grey zone
Arriving early to write, out of the rain, the doors are locked. The sign turned off. I wander down the block, suddenly church bells ring out, a call to worship. (Once again, the line between sacred and profane wavering, hardly even present.) I follow, like I often do. Don't go in, sit on the steps on the side. Write. People hurriedly pass by me, saying "hello." I feel transient. I'm not Catholic, but sometimes, I go in anyway. Someone asked recently if there was something that stayed with people after pilgrimage...I love the sound of the bells; the smell of the incense; the sight of the smoke. It makes me feel close to something. In Spain, if I could, I went to mass daily, sometimes more than daily. Sometimes I wanted to be blessed, and sometimes I was. Sometimes I wanted to give thanks for my ability to be there, for being there, for shelter. For a trickster that answered me literally, and getting to live through that answer, and surviving it. Sometimes I wanted to feel the mystery of history (good or bad, generally a tangled web of both) wash over me...in the end, all conspiring, and I was somehow sitting there in that moment. Whatever someone else might believe, what doctrine they adhere to, whether I agree or believe or not, because I went, as a consequence of that, something deep inside me, that I couldn't necessarily have put a finger on, was healed, and I am grateful.
And then, in a dark bar, on a rainy Sunday, once again, an answer I didn't realize I was asking for, until I stopped holding my breath. And then later in the week, I thought, if I could explain to you what happened, and then I didn't need to, and I knew something that was true. True about me, without self-judgment or shame, just a light-bulb lighting up in my head, accepting my own responsibility. Suddenly free. Nothing to keep me tied there.
(And while writing the post on Friday, I was given a second chance to reconsider the conservatory, enough had changed that might sway my decision. Curiously leaning even more heavily to "no" and I can't really explain that. It would be good for me, and I can be stubborn, sticking with a decision once I've made it...so, will try to reconsider it.)
As far as the art project goes, need to re-shoot the photo, not quite as I remember it. This might be harder than I originally thought. I want to work off of impulse, even if it comes off as trite. I want to listen to the first impulse more, and not over think everything to death, to the point of inertia. That's a good enough reason to do it.
I'm stuck in a reverie mode. And it's almost too hot to stay inside now. There should be cheap taco Sundays. (Or housemates that clean the kitchen.)
And then, in a dark bar, on a rainy Sunday, once again, an answer I didn't realize I was asking for, until I stopped holding my breath. And then later in the week, I thought, if I could explain to you what happened, and then I didn't need to, and I knew something that was true. True about me, without self-judgment or shame, just a light-bulb lighting up in my head, accepting my own responsibility. Suddenly free. Nothing to keep me tied there.
(And while writing the post on Friday, I was given a second chance to reconsider the conservatory, enough had changed that might sway my decision. Curiously leaning even more heavily to "no" and I can't really explain that. It would be good for me, and I can be stubborn, sticking with a decision once I've made it...so, will try to reconsider it.)
As far as the art project goes, need to re-shoot the photo, not quite as I remember it. This might be harder than I originally thought. I want to work off of impulse, even if it comes off as trite. I want to listen to the first impulse more, and not over think everything to death, to the point of inertia. That's a good enough reason to do it.
I'm stuck in a reverie mode. And it's almost too hot to stay inside now. There should be cheap taco Sundays. (Or housemates that clean the kitchen.)
Friday, July 25, 2014
New project
Just thought of something I can give myself to do. I'm listening to this "Sundays (band)" mix on youtube and it's triggering a lot of memories (that have absolutely nothing to do with any song itself, or the time period.) So, it'd be picture/word/song (or sound). I might come up with one (I've already come up with one) or I might come up with a month's worth.
I'm doing it because I get a lot of ideas I never follow thru with, and I need an art project. (It's also related to something someone said to me on Sunday, that if I really wanted to draw - he teaches drawing, among other things - I would. And I agree with him. It's made me question things I tell myself I want, want to have or do, that I haven't yet. I am studying acting. I went to Spain. So, I'm capable of making things happen, what's holding me back from the other things? Am I afraid, or do I not really want them? What's the block? What am I using for excuses? Another friend had recently posted a comment about sometimes wishing she owned a home, had nice things, but then followed that up and said she knows where all that money went, and wouldn't have it any way. I can look back on where I've spent my money and time, not including my job, and I can see where my values were (are.) No judgment. Just if I wanted the other things, the long-term security, I woulda' found a way. And I haven't, so what's been important? You can look back and see it in your own life. I just need to own it, without any shame that I'm at a really different place in my life right now than most people my age are.)
To do with nothing, as I was walking off dance class last night, this very large bird dropped out of the sky over my head and into the lake, hanging it's talons down to the water surface, but not catching anything. At first I thought it was an osprey, but the flight was wrong. I've decided it must be an immature Bald Eagle (or a Golden Eagle, though I don't tend to think about those here.) It did the same thing a few more times, not catching anything, long pauses in between attempts. At one point, it flew over and landed on the high-dive platform. Must've been a thrill for the kids swimming over there. I could see them all at the edge of the dock furthest from the bird. Eventually (10 minutes?) it flew into a tree and the kids went back to the board.
First art thing to follow, don't have an accessible photo at the moment.
I'm doing it because I get a lot of ideas I never follow thru with, and I need an art project. (It's also related to something someone said to me on Sunday, that if I really wanted to draw - he teaches drawing, among other things - I would. And I agree with him. It's made me question things I tell myself I want, want to have or do, that I haven't yet. I am studying acting. I went to Spain. So, I'm capable of making things happen, what's holding me back from the other things? Am I afraid, or do I not really want them? What's the block? What am I using for excuses? Another friend had recently posted a comment about sometimes wishing she owned a home, had nice things, but then followed that up and said she knows where all that money went, and wouldn't have it any way. I can look back on where I've spent my money and time, not including my job, and I can see where my values were (are.) No judgment. Just if I wanted the other things, the long-term security, I woulda' found a way. And I haven't, so what's been important? You can look back and see it in your own life. I just need to own it, without any shame that I'm at a really different place in my life right now than most people my age are.)
To do with nothing, as I was walking off dance class last night, this very large bird dropped out of the sky over my head and into the lake, hanging it's talons down to the water surface, but not catching anything. At first I thought it was an osprey, but the flight was wrong. I've decided it must be an immature Bald Eagle (or a Golden Eagle, though I don't tend to think about those here.) It did the same thing a few more times, not catching anything, long pauses in between attempts. At one point, it flew over and landed on the high-dive platform. Must've been a thrill for the kids swimming over there. I could see them all at the edge of the dock furthest from the bird. Eventually (10 minutes?) it flew into a tree and the kids went back to the board.
First art thing to follow, don't have an accessible photo at the moment.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Grounded
Woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck, stuffed up, and tired. Maybe it's the change in the weather, or that I'm not eating enough. Most of the dance steps we are learning (clown) are from tap, I think, minus the shoes. I'm sure there's a point where it will all just click and I'll be able to do all of them, but that hasn't happened yet. I'm sore, but I love the work. Reminding myself to stay present and open. Available to whatever happens.
I feel really grounded.
All the work has made a difference.
I feel really grounded.
All the work has made a difference.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Finally, rain
Awake. Trying to recall a feeling or thought or sight from a dream I woke up from, it left me feeling hopeful. The sound of gravel moving in the alley, increasing to that of rocks being tumbled on a beach, by receding tides: it has finally started to rain. In the distance a long peal of thunder, but the pounding of the raindrops has overwhelmed all other sounds: no roar of tires from the freeway, no birds, no voices. And I am in solitude for a moment.
Then the thunder stops. The traffic increases outside, a more constant rhythm of rubber on wet pavement, the clacking of dishes being moved against one another downstairs, the baby crows crying out to be fed in the alley, and the solitude is broken.
Time to face it.
Later, listening to this solo violin CD, Oliver Schroer "Camino" that my sister gave me a while back, I need to find some music for my clown. Wish I'd asked the woman on the piano last week what she was playing. Can google "Loony Tunes" music as well, we found something from there for our nursery rhyme in Meisner.
On another note, what happens on stage, or set, or in rehearsal, happens in the context of that "safe" space and by consensual agreement of those involved. Part of being there is the exploration of things you would not necessarily explore out of that specific context. In life, out of that context, I would not "slap" someone or walk up and kiss a stranger, (or kick or knee or shove someone, stage combat, which was required when we performed "Riches.") No one was hurt in the process. We actually care about each other. It's not an aggressive attack on the other; it's not personal or an act of vengeance. (This is not restricted to acting, it exists in play, in sports, in martial arts, in sparring, etc. There are rules and agreements you adhere to. And when you walk out of the space, you put your armor (your public face) back on and leave all of that behind.)
Then the thunder stops. The traffic increases outside, a more constant rhythm of rubber on wet pavement, the clacking of dishes being moved against one another downstairs, the baby crows crying out to be fed in the alley, and the solitude is broken.
Time to face it.
Later, listening to this solo violin CD, Oliver Schroer "Camino" that my sister gave me a while back, I need to find some music for my clown. Wish I'd asked the woman on the piano last week what she was playing. Can google "Loony Tunes" music as well, we found something from there for our nursery rhyme in Meisner.
On another note, what happens on stage, or set, or in rehearsal, happens in the context of that "safe" space and by consensual agreement of those involved. Part of being there is the exploration of things you would not necessarily explore out of that specific context. In life, out of that context, I would not "slap" someone or walk up and kiss a stranger, (or kick or knee or shove someone, stage combat, which was required when we performed "Riches.") No one was hurt in the process. We actually care about each other. It's not an aggressive attack on the other; it's not personal or an act of vengeance. (This is not restricted to acting, it exists in play, in sports, in martial arts, in sparring, etc. There are rules and agreements you adhere to. And when you walk out of the space, you put your armor (your public face) back on and leave all of that behind.)
Monday, July 21, 2014
After Clown
Survived the clown cheer, won the cheer competition...I don't think I won any contests last year (I think it was either because I was loud and obnoxiously pointing at myself, or they wanted to see how I would react to winning. I also kissed a couple of clowns, on the cheek, at some point, just to get a reaction.) Still need to work on discovery and exiting. It's the same as acting. You enter and leave with presence, except in clown, you acknowledge what you give and receive the audience more so. You never do anything until something makes you do it. This is such a good reminder of that, especially when it's just you (me) on the stage facing the audience. We ran late, but I got a ride home, otherwise, it'd be closer to midnight. This class is short, only six sessions. So far, has not been as scary as personal clown. I think clown helped with Meisner, and Meisner (plus the clown jam) have definitely helped with this class. I allow myself to take more risks. Committing more. At any rate, in class, I don't think about anything else going on in my life: I like that. And even if it's scary at times (failing) it's a fun way to learn these things.
Everything else? I don't know what to make of anything. Holding the sweet unexpected moments from strangers close to my heart.
These are from Sunday. First is a view from Kite Hill, and the second is what our "emergency" snacks were wrapped in.
Everything else? I don't know what to make of anything. Holding the sweet unexpected moments from strangers close to my heart.
These are from Sunday. First is a view from Kite Hill, and the second is what our "emergency" snacks were wrapped in.
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| View from Kite Hill, July 20/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| You Are Safe, July 20/L Herlevi 2014 |
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Wandering
Psycho-geography. Spent all day wandering alone, mostly along waterways. Places I hadn't been to in a while. No memory triggers (directly related to place.) Passing an abandoned Metro building, the gate was open I walked in. Shattered glass, I took a picture. Memories...I was five or six, it was summer, the streets were deserted except for us. I don't know how we got there, bus? Everyone else on duty. Stevie Wonder coming through the window of some building we passed. Grilled cheese with pickles in the cafeteria, we are the only customers. Sometimes I want to go back, I don't know what reality is anymore; I dream so much about that landscape I don't know actual from dream. We drove by the house, to show where we had lived, but it was gone. Only a patch of lawn remained, a house-sized space between two others. It didn't make me sad.
Hours later we meet again. I speak my mind about a show (I've thought about it a lot) to someone involved, he doesn't walk away or get defensive or change the subject or seem to hate me. Redemption. And then a while later, a tenuous meeting, another kind of redemption. It doesn't matter if I see you again, there's a little less to fear. So why you and not him?
Hours later we meet again. I speak my mind about a show (I've thought about it a lot) to someone involved, he doesn't walk away or get defensive or change the subject or seem to hate me. Redemption. And then a while later, a tenuous meeting, another kind of redemption. It doesn't matter if I see you again, there's a little less to fear. So why you and not him?
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| Geese, July 20/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| The Clown, July 20/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Richard Sera's Wake, July 20/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Saturday night
The people pack up their cars and leave, headlights blazing in the dusk. It's dark by 9:30. Winds kick up and rain spits down, uncommitted. Can barely feel it; but it is there. The wind blows wood smoke and coolness through my window, fluttering the leaves of Frederick (I don't know what type of plant this is, it became "Frederick" when someone asked me its name on the bus.) Feels almost like camping. Only wildlife sightings today were a baby crow that landed next to my open window, cawing. And later, a single bat, the first I've seen this year, circling 'round the opening in the trees.
Feeling kinda' restless. Trying to sort through all this paperwork I've ignored over the past six months, and then shoved into boxes to move. It's time.
Still need to come up with a cheer. I don't even really know how to spell my clown name. Maybe I should get a new one...though that process is kinda' tortuous.
Don't think I'll muster up the fight to be the consolation prize. Nobody really wants to be that. (That's a reminder for me, to get up off the floor and stop settling for crumbs. If you settle too often, that's what you get. And you start to believe that's enough. It's not.)
This is the sky earlier in the week.
Feeling kinda' restless. Trying to sort through all this paperwork I've ignored over the past six months, and then shoved into boxes to move. It's time.
Still need to come up with a cheer. I don't even really know how to spell my clown name. Maybe I should get a new one...though that process is kinda' tortuous.
Don't think I'll muster up the fight to be the consolation prize. Nobody really wants to be that. (That's a reminder for me, to get up off the floor and stop settling for crumbs. If you settle too often, that's what you get. And you start to believe that's enough. It's not.)
This is the sky earlier in the week.
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| July afternoon/L Herlevi 2014 |
Friday, July 18, 2014
Ugh, trust
Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I don't trust enough.
Anyway, momentarily freaked out about the decision last night, that I was letting money be a big factor (not the only one) in that decision, because I was panicking about that. Wondering if I made the decision from a point of fear and if that was the best place to do it from. At any rate, I had to decide and I hadn't had as much time to try to work it out as I would've liked. I don't know if I was afraid, but I wasn't completely clear-headed. (I wasn't sure what was at the core right for me as opposed to what I should want or should do, or what someone else would do, etc.)
Then again, is it fear of no other options that makes me second guess now? It's not that black and white, it might have been the best training, but it can't be the only one.
Don't know.
Walked around the lake after dance last night. Someone had set up a piano between the swimming area and the boat rental. It was painted silver and had robot arms and a sign that said "Play me." Someone was. (I liked the song she was playing, I should have asked what it was, would make a good song for my clown.) Later a friend posted something about it on facebook. It's "Pianos in the Parks." http://blog.kexp.org/2014/07/17/kexp-presents-pianos-in-the-park-717-817/
Further along, someone had built rock sculptures in the water, lining the edge of the lake. And further still, I came across a baby bird, sparrow, I think. Hopping around picking up seeds, and then spitting them out. Blending so well into the gravel, you almost couldn't see it. A jogger almost ran over it. I think I bonded with it. It was hopping around at my feet, without any concern. Couldn't figure out where it came from, there weren't other concerned birds around. Someone I knew stopped and we talked about it and then a kid stopped and we wondered if we should do anything, but it seemed fine, so we left it to it's own devices. Cute thing.
I'm slightly more coordinated than I was last week. We relearned the "triple" to change the order of steps and to add a plié at the end, somehow making it easier to do. She also emphasized looking up and opening your heart to the audience, both because of the invitation to the audience and because looking down sends a different message to your body (doubt) when you are trying to learn something new, even if the reason you are looking down is concentration. In that way, it's a lot like clown: whatever's going on, you share rather than hide.
(I heard back from my friend. He's fine.)
Anyway, momentarily freaked out about the decision last night, that I was letting money be a big factor (not the only one) in that decision, because I was panicking about that. Wondering if I made the decision from a point of fear and if that was the best place to do it from. At any rate, I had to decide and I hadn't had as much time to try to work it out as I would've liked. I don't know if I was afraid, but I wasn't completely clear-headed. (I wasn't sure what was at the core right for me as opposed to what I should want or should do, or what someone else would do, etc.)
Then again, is it fear of no other options that makes me second guess now? It's not that black and white, it might have been the best training, but it can't be the only one.
Don't know.
Walked around the lake after dance last night. Someone had set up a piano between the swimming area and the boat rental. It was painted silver and had robot arms and a sign that said "Play me." Someone was. (I liked the song she was playing, I should have asked what it was, would make a good song for my clown.) Later a friend posted something about it on facebook. It's "Pianos in the Parks." http://blog.kexp.org/2014/07/17/kexp-presents-pianos-in-the-park-717-817/
Further along, someone had built rock sculptures in the water, lining the edge of the lake. And further still, I came across a baby bird, sparrow, I think. Hopping around picking up seeds, and then spitting them out. Blending so well into the gravel, you almost couldn't see it. A jogger almost ran over it. I think I bonded with it. It was hopping around at my feet, without any concern. Couldn't figure out where it came from, there weren't other concerned birds around. Someone I knew stopped and we talked about it and then a kid stopped and we wondered if we should do anything, but it seemed fine, so we left it to it's own devices. Cute thing.
I'm slightly more coordinated than I was last week. We relearned the "triple" to change the order of steps and to add a plié at the end, somehow making it easier to do. She also emphasized looking up and opening your heart to the audience, both because of the invitation to the audience and because looking down sends a different message to your body (doubt) when you are trying to learn something new, even if the reason you are looking down is concentration. In that way, it's a lot like clown: whatever's going on, you share rather than hide.
(I heard back from my friend. He's fine.)
Thursday, July 17, 2014
What's wrong with people?
I have a friend from Germany that lives in Kuala Lumpur, waiting to hear back from him that he was not on that flight. None of those people deserved to die. What an effed-up thing to do...it's bad enough there's another land grab, but to deliberately shoot down a passenger flight, it's just evil. And both sides deny being responsible...just man up and take responsibility. Live with the consequences.
Just so much intolerance and finding reasons to kill each other (for what really? is it worth it? How can you say it is? It never ends, just more reasons to kill, to create a world of us vs. them where one side needs to be right at all costs and the other needs to be destroyed. Vengeance begets vengeance until there's no one left to kill or until someone steps up and says, "Enough!" (We need more of that.) What is really gained in the end? A temporary peace, when your "enemy" is eliminated, until you find the next one because you never feel secure in the world? There will always be someone to hate and therefore someone you need to destroy. When what you have is never enough, you will always need an enemy, someone to blame for what you lack. Entitlement is a lie. You will never be at peace.)
I know it's more complicated than what I make it out to be, but...you know, we're so insecure in what we believe that we force those beliefs on others thinking if we can do that, we can prove to ourselves and everyone else that we are right. Eliminate any dissenting voices. Become unassailable.
Peace is living with the uncertainty, that someone else might also be right. That perhaps there is no absolute truth, that everything is in flux. That beliefs can change, and that might be a good thing.
Just so much intolerance and finding reasons to kill each other (for what really? is it worth it? How can you say it is? It never ends, just more reasons to kill, to create a world of us vs. them where one side needs to be right at all costs and the other needs to be destroyed. Vengeance begets vengeance until there's no one left to kill or until someone steps up and says, "Enough!" (We need more of that.) What is really gained in the end? A temporary peace, when your "enemy" is eliminated, until you find the next one because you never feel secure in the world? There will always be someone to hate and therefore someone you need to destroy. When what you have is never enough, you will always need an enemy, someone to blame for what you lack. Entitlement is a lie. You will never be at peace.)
I know it's more complicated than what I make it out to be, but...you know, we're so insecure in what we believe that we force those beliefs on others thinking if we can do that, we can prove to ourselves and everyone else that we are right. Eliminate any dissenting voices. Become unassailable.
Peace is living with the uncertainty, that someone else might also be right. That perhaps there is no absolute truth, that everything is in flux. That beliefs can change, and that might be a good thing.
Show last night
Went and saw Freehold's Engaged Theatre's production of "The Flower of England's Face: William Shakespeare's Henry IV" last night. Played in the UW's Penthouse Theatre, (the first theatre in the round in the US) no air conditioning, hot as hell in there. Great production. (The Engaged Theatre Program takes Shakespeare into non-tradition venues such as prisons, youth detention facilities, and this one also went to Ft Lewis McChord and Harborview.) I was doing the ticket sales last night.
I hadn't read either "Richard II" nor the "Henry IV's" before, and it was elements of all three into two hours, so I was lost at times. (It was from the death of Richard II to the crowning of Prince Henry.) That said the acting was solid across the board, but the two stand-outs for me were Christine Marie Brown as Hotspur/Doll Tearsheet and Reginald Andre Jackson as Prince Henry. Christine Marie Brown is amazing. I'd seen her do a brief solo performance at a faculty showcase in 2013 and thought that I wanted to work with her (I took a class with her) and she's part of the Sandbox Radio Collective which do live "radio" shows around town (I think they might be podcasts) as well as the Endangered Species Project (which are staged readings) but not in a full production of a play. I wish I were seeing her around town more in shows, she's incredible. They are both incredible. (I have so far to go.)
I wasn't feeling well, and had wanted to stay for the talk-back but left to catch a bus. Wasn't actually sure I'd make it through the whole thing. It's playing through the weekend. I suppose I could read up on it more and go see it again. It's supposed to cool down a bit.
I hadn't read either "Richard II" nor the "Henry IV's" before, and it was elements of all three into two hours, so I was lost at times. (It was from the death of Richard II to the crowning of Prince Henry.) That said the acting was solid across the board, but the two stand-outs for me were Christine Marie Brown as Hotspur/Doll Tearsheet and Reginald Andre Jackson as Prince Henry. Christine Marie Brown is amazing. I'd seen her do a brief solo performance at a faculty showcase in 2013 and thought that I wanted to work with her (I took a class with her) and she's part of the Sandbox Radio Collective which do live "radio" shows around town (I think they might be podcasts) as well as the Endangered Species Project (which are staged readings) but not in a full production of a play. I wish I were seeing her around town more in shows, she's incredible. They are both incredible. (I have so far to go.)
I wasn't feeling well, and had wanted to stay for the talk-back but left to catch a bus. Wasn't actually sure I'd make it through the whole thing. It's playing through the weekend. I suppose I could read up on it more and go see it again. It's supposed to cool down a bit.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Wednesday
Of course, now woke up from a dream that both involved the Alexander Technique and not being heard (which also involved not being able to get food and not wanting to pay for something I wasn't getting and feeling like I was being ripped off, but not being able to get enough sound out to be heard.) Having a lot of those lately. (Like screaming in a nightmare, only these aren't nightmares, just feeling like I don't have a voice, or that I'm not standing up for myself somewhere.)
I'm reading this Declan Donnellan book, "The Actor and the Target," it's simple, yet dense. I might have to actually purchase it, this one is a library loan. I think it will take time to get my head wrapped around it. Early on, he talks about the difference between concentration and attention. It made me think of that "video" exercise (where we had to do a verbatim playback of what someone else said and gestured) we did on the first day of Meisner (and the similar exercise in the "Winners and Losers" workshop this past spring.) Concentration was what I was trying to do and so became so focused on one element that I could remember very little of what happened, vs. attention which was what I was doing in the coffee shop (I wrote about this at the time) when I was sorta' eavesdropping on the conversation at the next table (hard to block out at any rate) and though they talked for over an hour, I could probably have repeated the whole thing back, because I wasn't trying to focus on any one thing. (I think that's another reason why I remember things better if I write down notes, in addition to the actual process of writing, it's because I'm not just looking at the instructor, so I'm using all of my senses to gather information and not hyper-focusing with any individual one.)
It's subtle, but it makes a huge difference. (I suspect it's also where we were trying to get with all the Meisner work: to get beyond the initial chair work where you are inches apart repeating each other, to the point where you can be across the room and not necessarily looking at each other, but still sending and receiving energy, and hopefully being aware of what that does to you.)
That's what I want to work on now, recognizing impulses, realizing I am having them so I don't dampen them out. At dinner someone was talking about using the impulse in a way that made sense with what else was going on stage, and yet you can't sit there and think about it, 'cos then you second guess it and get into thinking instead of being, and kill it in its tracks. And then you get stuck. I mentioned that I wasn't always aware I was having impulses (and I was squashing them without realizing it), or what they were. Robin would call me out on it (for which I am grateful) but I wouldn't even recognize anything had happened. George recommended a short story, which I should look up. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I'm doing the clown and dance work right now, it's about pure reaction, or instinct, outside of words.
All of this makes me realize I still have so much to learn. At any rate, the vacuum I've created won't stay empty for long.
I'm reading this Declan Donnellan book, "The Actor and the Target," it's simple, yet dense. I might have to actually purchase it, this one is a library loan. I think it will take time to get my head wrapped around it. Early on, he talks about the difference between concentration and attention. It made me think of that "video" exercise (where we had to do a verbatim playback of what someone else said and gestured) we did on the first day of Meisner (and the similar exercise in the "Winners and Losers" workshop this past spring.) Concentration was what I was trying to do and so became so focused on one element that I could remember very little of what happened, vs. attention which was what I was doing in the coffee shop (I wrote about this at the time) when I was sorta' eavesdropping on the conversation at the next table (hard to block out at any rate) and though they talked for over an hour, I could probably have repeated the whole thing back, because I wasn't trying to focus on any one thing. (I think that's another reason why I remember things better if I write down notes, in addition to the actual process of writing, it's because I'm not just looking at the instructor, so I'm using all of my senses to gather information and not hyper-focusing with any individual one.)
It's subtle, but it makes a huge difference. (I suspect it's also where we were trying to get with all the Meisner work: to get beyond the initial chair work where you are inches apart repeating each other, to the point where you can be across the room and not necessarily looking at each other, but still sending and receiving energy, and hopefully being aware of what that does to you.)
That's what I want to work on now, recognizing impulses, realizing I am having them so I don't dampen them out. At dinner someone was talking about using the impulse in a way that made sense with what else was going on stage, and yet you can't sit there and think about it, 'cos then you second guess it and get into thinking instead of being, and kill it in its tracks. And then you get stuck. I mentioned that I wasn't always aware I was having impulses (and I was squashing them without realizing it), or what they were. Robin would call me out on it (for which I am grateful) but I wouldn't even recognize anything had happened. George recommended a short story, which I should look up. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I'm doing the clown and dance work right now, it's about pure reaction, or instinct, outside of words.
All of this makes me realize I still have so much to learn. At any rate, the vacuum I've created won't stay empty for long.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
No regrets
I feel as if I threw a road block into my own path and now I have to figure out what I'm gonna do next. I don't have a clue, but something will open up: I did choose. I don't have any regrets, it was the right choice in the moment I made it, for the reasons (more than just the money) that I made it, but I still feel a tinge of sadness in being left behind from the experience that the rest of the cohort will have. And I will do something else. I just don't know what that is yet, and I know what theirs will be.
Crap it's hot in here! It's supposed to cool down by the weekend.
Crap it's hot in here! It's supposed to cool down by the weekend.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Declined
For the record, I declined the conservatory. I would've been fine using a "gofundme" campaign for the tuition, but I have some bills I need to pay off (or at least down. This debt is getting in the way of my life, this being a case in point. I want to get rid of it.) And I don't know how I could pay those and rent with working only part-time. Anyway, I ended up having to pay 2/3 of the tuition for the clown class, and working off the other third, but I decided I would try to figure it out, especially because I declined the other program, and I need to do this type of work.
Class was great. I'm gonna have to miss one, because I'd already promised to be somewhere else; I've never missed a theatre class. Slightly bummed out, but that's how it is. We're supposed to come up with a cheer for our clown name, so I'll have to do that by myself when I return to class. Also, we're learning these basic dance steps for a dance we will have to choreograph and perform for each other for the last class; I'll have to catch up on those as well.
It's a lot of coming back around to things we might have done in the past, but every time you come back to them, you go a little deeper. And he's calling me out on the same things he did last summer, which I'd forgotten about, and which are good for me to be reminded of (example, how I might think I'm looking at the audience, but it isn't registering, so I need to change what I'm doing. If it's not working, it's not working.) But then in other ways, I think I'm more open, and I'm acting on impulse a bit more without trying to think about it first. And then there's the reminder that on stage, supporting your partner is giving them the truth, not being "nice" or "polite." "Polite" just isn't useful on stage, (it doesn't give your partner energy to work off of), though it is in life off of the stage. There's only seven of us in the class, but we all want to be there. I'm glad I'm there. I wanted the time to go longer, and yet I could feel my focus fading, so it's just as well that it ended. Gonna take in everything I can.
Got a ride to the bus stop, one of my classmates offered to wait with me, but I told him I was okay (I like that he offered.) A bus ended up coming five minutes later, anyway, and then got stuck in traffic because another bus was blocking the intersection further on. It was pretty fast once we finally were able to re-route, speeding northward, no one waiting along the way to stop for; catching the odd glimpse of a very yellow, somewhat squashed rising moon. House almost cool enough to fall asleep in.
Class was great. I'm gonna have to miss one, because I'd already promised to be somewhere else; I've never missed a theatre class. Slightly bummed out, but that's how it is. We're supposed to come up with a cheer for our clown name, so I'll have to do that by myself when I return to class. Also, we're learning these basic dance steps for a dance we will have to choreograph and perform for each other for the last class; I'll have to catch up on those as well.
It's a lot of coming back around to things we might have done in the past, but every time you come back to them, you go a little deeper. And he's calling me out on the same things he did last summer, which I'd forgotten about, and which are good for me to be reminded of (example, how I might think I'm looking at the audience, but it isn't registering, so I need to change what I'm doing. If it's not working, it's not working.) But then in other ways, I think I'm more open, and I'm acting on impulse a bit more without trying to think about it first. And then there's the reminder that on stage, supporting your partner is giving them the truth, not being "nice" or "polite." "Polite" just isn't useful on stage, (it doesn't give your partner energy to work off of), though it is in life off of the stage. There's only seven of us in the class, but we all want to be there. I'm glad I'm there. I wanted the time to go longer, and yet I could feel my focus fading, so it's just as well that it ended. Gonna take in everything I can.
Got a ride to the bus stop, one of my classmates offered to wait with me, but I told him I was okay (I like that he offered.) A bus ended up coming five minutes later, anyway, and then got stuck in traffic because another bus was blocking the intersection further on. It was pretty fast once we finally were able to re-route, speeding northward, no one waiting along the way to stop for; catching the odd glimpse of a very yellow, somewhat squashed rising moon. House almost cool enough to fall asleep in.
Begin (yet) again
A casual conversation on Saturday night has led to my now starting another class tonight. Had half-considered it before, but don't really have tuition money this summer. At any rate, instructor sent me an email to show up tonight, something was worked out (I need to follow up on that. It's slightly tentative, money-wise.) I know it benefits him to have more students, but it was still a cool thing to do for me.
I'm grateful. Humbled. And I'm nervous: I wasn't emotionally prepared (it's clown, one of the toughest classes, emotionally. It's failing, and failing, and failing, without the masks that we usually have.) I hear it's not as rough as Personal Clown, though I suppose that's all a matter of perception.
No idea what to expect. Maybe it's better that way.
I'm grateful. Humbled. And I'm nervous: I wasn't emotionally prepared (it's clown, one of the toughest classes, emotionally. It's failing, and failing, and failing, without the masks that we usually have.) I hear it's not as rough as Personal Clown, though I suppose that's all a matter of perception.
No idea what to expect. Maybe it's better that way.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Beautiful sky
My camera can't do it justice, but we are currently having one heck of a sunset! The entire western sky is a massive swath of orange-y-pink, beginning to go magenta. Streaks of rain clouds hanging down high in the air, a few heavy drops falling, but not many. Something resembling a thin funnel. (I haven't been able to figure out how to adjust the color balance on this camera, so that the colors are similar to what I see.) Now the air is cooling a little bit.
Went to the beach earlier to muck about in the low tide. Didn't actually see much: a moon snail, some juvenile fish, and a red crab. Got a wicked sunburn on my shoulder (worse on one than the other) and am currently alternating between dowsing it with aloe vera gel with lavender oil, and cold compresses. I was carrying sunscreen, too. No excuse.
Oh, now a wind has really picked up. Maybe a thunder storm?
Here's an attempt at the sky. (Later, not the initial color. Also, this is through a window.) I wish it would rain.
Went to the beach earlier to muck about in the low tide. Didn't actually see much: a moon snail, some juvenile fish, and a red crab. Got a wicked sunburn on my shoulder (worse on one than the other) and am currently alternating between dowsing it with aloe vera gel with lavender oil, and cold compresses. I was carrying sunscreen, too. No excuse.
Oh, now a wind has really picked up. Maybe a thunder storm?
Here's an attempt at the sky. (Later, not the initial color. Also, this is through a window.) I wish it would rain.
 |
| Sunset, July 13/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Heat wave
So many options of things to do today, and I've opted out (for the moment.) Was going to go to the beach for the low tide, but couldn't locate my flip-flops, could swear I've seen some recently, but none to be found today. I don't want to ruin my other shoes. Soon it will be too hot to stay inside. Even went to the garden early, to water and catch up on weeding. Missed the bus and while walking, almost forgot where I was going, so enjoying the calmness of the lake, the placid water, the slight coolness of the day.
Last night was strange. I don't know if it was the result of the almost full moon, the heat wave, the fact that it was a Friday night, or what...but lots of "disturbances" for lack of a better word. As soon as the sun had set, the darkness inside, kept at bay in the day time, emerging and thriving in the night. Not in everyone, of course. I was amazed, actually, by the calmness of response to the disturbances (one example, extreme ranting and confrontation), there was no violent tit for tat, things were dealt with in kindness and with respect, more than I usually see. There seemed to be an acceptance that nothing was personal, there was a distance...and again, de-escalation instead of explosion.
Going to a dinner with a friend later, maybe I'll just go find somewhere with air-conditioning, to go write for a while. I haven't decided yet (regarding the conservatory) and I need to. I think the deadline is tomorrow. Still all over the map. How would I get the same level of training if I didn't do it? Could I get it? Am I giving up a grand opportunity? I don't know. It needs to be my decision though, and not based on what someone else might think. I have to live with the consequences, good or bad, with any regret one way or the other. If I can swing the expense, that's fine. Money's not all that important to me, but I would like to not owe any, and I'd like to not short my future, and I'd like to be able to eat and keep a roof over my head. But more than that, I'd like to find something I want to pursue in life, and to fulfill my purpose in life, if such a thing even exists...I don't want money to be the reason I don't. And I don't want to be on my deathbed someday with regret that I made the choices that kept me secure but didn't bring purpose to my life or add to the world in a productive way. So, perhaps I make this decision too heavy with that, but so it is. (That's how I am with everything, why it takes me so long to decide anything.) Maybe it's not such a big deal in the end, the world won't end either way. Yet I feel the years pass by and I want to do something useful with my life. (If that's all very heavy, well, I am a winter baby.)
The dinner was awesome, it was with a teacher most of us have worked with, and most of the guests were performers/actors. It was helpful to get other people's perspective and experience, because I am still trying to decide. And I realize there are a lot of things I'm not good at yet, or don't know how to do, and so I ask myself if doing this program the best way to gain that? You know, it might be.
Last night was strange. I don't know if it was the result of the almost full moon, the heat wave, the fact that it was a Friday night, or what...but lots of "disturbances" for lack of a better word. As soon as the sun had set, the darkness inside, kept at bay in the day time, emerging and thriving in the night. Not in everyone, of course. I was amazed, actually, by the calmness of response to the disturbances (one example, extreme ranting and confrontation), there was no violent tit for tat, things were dealt with in kindness and with respect, more than I usually see. There seemed to be an acceptance that nothing was personal, there was a distance...and again, de-escalation instead of explosion.
Going to a dinner with a friend later, maybe I'll just go find somewhere with air-conditioning, to go write for a while. I haven't decided yet (regarding the conservatory) and I need to. I think the deadline is tomorrow. Still all over the map. How would I get the same level of training if I didn't do it? Could I get it? Am I giving up a grand opportunity? I don't know. It needs to be my decision though, and not based on what someone else might think. I have to live with the consequences, good or bad, with any regret one way or the other. If I can swing the expense, that's fine. Money's not all that important to me, but I would like to not owe any, and I'd like to not short my future, and I'd like to be able to eat and keep a roof over my head. But more than that, I'd like to find something I want to pursue in life, and to fulfill my purpose in life, if such a thing even exists...I don't want money to be the reason I don't. And I don't want to be on my deathbed someday with regret that I made the choices that kept me secure but didn't bring purpose to my life or add to the world in a productive way. So, perhaps I make this decision too heavy with that, but so it is. (That's how I am with everything, why it takes me so long to decide anything.) Maybe it's not such a big deal in the end, the world won't end either way. Yet I feel the years pass by and I want to do something useful with my life. (If that's all very heavy, well, I am a winter baby.)
The dinner was awesome, it was with a teacher most of us have worked with, and most of the guests were performers/actors. It was helpful to get other people's perspective and experience, because I am still trying to decide. And I realize there are a lot of things I'm not good at yet, or don't know how to do, and so I ask myself if doing this program the best way to gain that? You know, it might be.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Thursday, learning to dance
Lingering dusk: no clouds to block it. A crystal clear sunset: no clouds to hold it, but it reflected off of the water. No clouds in the sky at all. Moon almost full, in opposition to the sun, rising to dominate the sky as the latter dropped over the hill.
Biffed my ankle while trying to learn the dance steps from class, in the park. Had the heels on again. Was doing fine until I was getting the swing of things and then stepped sideways into a crack, ankle turning in multiple directions before righting itself, sunglasses flying off, but shoe staying on. A woman who had just passed by with her toddler and husband made them stop, she waited to see if I was okay; not saying anything to me, but watching me. Sweet and embarrassing. Eh, it's uncomfortable, but I can walk on it and it doesn't appear swollen. I didn't take them off because there were little pointy rocks everywhere. (Though I did then end up walking half-way home barefoot, but that was in the grass. When I first got there, there were games going on everywhere, so I didn't practice the dance barefoot, on the grass.)
We learned this waltz step. So, like a waltz, but without a partner, moving straight forward, and moving forward on beats two and three (which is difficult...my muscle memory wants beats two and three to be tiny re-positioning steps.) Also, there is a backward arm movement for six counts. So, basically it's: lunge-toe-toe, lunge-toe-toe (switch arms), lunge-toe-toe, lunge-toe-toe (repeat, to cross the floor.) I really couldn't do it in class. Had to break it down to just counting steps, just counting arm beats, just doing lunge-toe-toe, lunge-toe-toe, and then trying to move the latter forward in the park.
What's interesting about learning it, is feeling the battle between my body and my brain, as well as becoming aware of the wiring that is currently set for me: I can do alright when I'm using my right arm for six counts, but am completely thrown off when I switch to my left arm, I'll do it for three counts only and then try to finish it on the right side. Practice. Practice. Practice. Need to set new pathways, give myself the choice in how I get to move.
I decided to take this class because I'm fairly uncoordinated. I'm not being cruel to myself by saying this (I have a lot of good qualities, alas, coordination is not one of them.) Anyway, I'd like to be less so. Also, I've been in theatre classes for almost two years straight now, to suddenly not be is a bit of a shock, and I don't want to fall back into a older set pattern and lose what I've gained through disuse. I feel like dance is a way to take a break without completely taking a break...and it isn't stressful: I don't have to prove anything to anyone. So in that sense, it's just for fun.
Biffed my ankle while trying to learn the dance steps from class, in the park. Had the heels on again. Was doing fine until I was getting the swing of things and then stepped sideways into a crack, ankle turning in multiple directions before righting itself, sunglasses flying off, but shoe staying on. A woman who had just passed by with her toddler and husband made them stop, she waited to see if I was okay; not saying anything to me, but watching me. Sweet and embarrassing. Eh, it's uncomfortable, but I can walk on it and it doesn't appear swollen. I didn't take them off because there were little pointy rocks everywhere. (Though I did then end up walking half-way home barefoot, but that was in the grass. When I first got there, there were games going on everywhere, so I didn't practice the dance barefoot, on the grass.)
We learned this waltz step. So, like a waltz, but without a partner, moving straight forward, and moving forward on beats two and three (which is difficult...my muscle memory wants beats two and three to be tiny re-positioning steps.) Also, there is a backward arm movement for six counts. So, basically it's: lunge-toe-toe, lunge-toe-toe (switch arms), lunge-toe-toe, lunge-toe-toe (repeat, to cross the floor.) I really couldn't do it in class. Had to break it down to just counting steps, just counting arm beats, just doing lunge-toe-toe, lunge-toe-toe, and then trying to move the latter forward in the park.
What's interesting about learning it, is feeling the battle between my body and my brain, as well as becoming aware of the wiring that is currently set for me: I can do alright when I'm using my right arm for six counts, but am completely thrown off when I switch to my left arm, I'll do it for three counts only and then try to finish it on the right side. Practice. Practice. Practice. Need to set new pathways, give myself the choice in how I get to move.
I decided to take this class because I'm fairly uncoordinated. I'm not being cruel to myself by saying this (I have a lot of good qualities, alas, coordination is not one of them.) Anyway, I'd like to be less so. Also, I've been in theatre classes for almost two years straight now, to suddenly not be is a bit of a shock, and I don't want to fall back into a older set pattern and lose what I've gained through disuse. I feel like dance is a way to take a break without completely taking a break...and it isn't stressful: I don't have to prove anything to anyone. So in that sense, it's just for fun.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Crossing wires
The best I can say for today, is that tomorrow starts all over again. Good lord. Crossed wires, lost thoughts, missed signals...communication break-down in every direction. Everything so convoluted. I don't think I'm the only one that felt this way.
The summer day is gorgeous, the evening is falling and a breeze is starting to blow, but not through the windows: blazing hot in here. One crow cawing, then flies off. Ever present roar of traffic. I'm feeling too unmotivated to walk out to the park, just walked a couple miles home in heels because I didn't feel like waiting for the bus. Feeling a bit deflated, it's not just the spending energy on things that continued to spin in place today, just so much to figure out.
Ugh...it's hot. Might find that motivation after all.
The summer day is gorgeous, the evening is falling and a breeze is starting to blow, but not through the windows: blazing hot in here. One crow cawing, then flies off. Ever present roar of traffic. I'm feeling too unmotivated to walk out to the park, just walked a couple miles home in heels because I didn't feel like waiting for the bus. Feeling a bit deflated, it's not just the spending energy on things that continued to spin in place today, just so much to figure out.
Ugh...it's hot. Might find that motivation after all.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Later
I feel happy in spite of the fact that I think the audition was pretty awful. I was early, and so I had time to get nervous and by the time I got called in and started, I forgot most of the monologue. Granted, I just got the text last night, and it was a fair chunk of text (and there's a section that doesn't make sense to me yet, and it's been throwing me off.) They actually gave me a copy of it and had me start it again, "without hesitation." They were nice. I was just nervous. I'm glad I did it, I want to do it again soon. And I realize that I really need to keep running monologues on a regular basis so that I'm ready when the opportunity comes and not freaking myself out.
Must be partially the release of endorphins or something that is making me so happy, seems to be the common state for me after an audition, regardless of how it went. It's also lovely outside, the light (fading), the air (cooling), and the sky (mostly clear with a few of those wispy clouds that I like so much glowing pink in the fading light near the just-past-half-full moon.)
Later: And the rejection email was very nice, I'm glad they told me, sometimes you don't hear anything. I guess that role isn't even going into call-backs.
Must be partially the release of endorphins or something that is making me so happy, seems to be the common state for me after an audition, regardless of how it went. It's also lovely outside, the light (fading), the air (cooling), and the sky (mostly clear with a few of those wispy clouds that I like so much glowing pink in the fading light near the just-past-half-full moon.)
Later: And the rejection email was very nice, I'm glad they told me, sometimes you don't hear anything. I guess that role isn't even going into call-backs.
Tuesday
Lying around with an achy stomach and enjoying the breeze coming through the window until it gets too hot to stay in the house. It's 83 degrees out now. Thankfully, the headache has subsided; woke up with probable food poisoning, called in sick. Listening to the radio and trying to memorize this monologue and do something with it. My audition is pretty late, so I'm hoping I will be well enough to go, it's a 20-40 minute bus ride depending on time of day For some reason, I can't seem to remember my monologue, they sent out other options, so that's what I'm working on. I re-read the play on the bus last night, and have it partially memorized. It's one of my favorite scripts from the past few years, and it's in my age range. I don't know if I have the performance experience to get cast in this part, but it's good practice to audition, and I get another monologue out of it. I've been thinking about needing to audition and making up excuses (mostly regarding head shots and needing to update my TPS profile) and this came up and I was able to sign up, so I did. The general advice out there seems to be to do 5-6 auditions a week. I'll start with this one and learn from it.
Hopefully, I'll be done being sick by then. That would be memorable.
Hopefully, I'll be done being sick by then. That would be memorable.
Monday, July 7, 2014
The birds have got my number
Sitting down to lunch outside, I'm an easy target for the crows. No sooner have I begun to eat (pasta with peas, kale, and a can of tuna) then a couple of small crows are at my feet, mouths gaped open from the heat. Sad, little caws. A parent and a baby. They know how to pick 'em, I toss tiny bits of tuna and the adult puts them in its beak. The baby begs, pink mouth wide open, flapping of wings, head hunched back. I decide to see if it can eat on its own, smash a pea in my teeth and toss it in the general direction. It eats part of it. The parent picks up the rest. Eventually, the baby is spooked by a maintenance vehicle and flies off into a tree and the adult starts catching my offerings of peas and tuna in the air: party tricks. Finally, beak full enough, it caws, and listens, caws...locates and flies off to a tree and feeds the baby. I only have a couple bits left when it returns: I have to eat, too. I go inside to wash my plate, and when I return back outside, they have moved on.
Oh, crap! I just signed up for an audition. Tomorrow. What the heck was I thinking? Yikes. I guess it's good experience if I want to do this line of work. I am insane. (Because I'm not prepared to audition.)
Oh, crap! I just signed up for an audition. Tomorrow. What the heck was I thinking? Yikes. I guess it's good experience if I want to do this line of work. I am insane. (Because I'm not prepared to audition.)
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Long weekend is over
Had an unusually social Sunday (for me.) Had been invited to this Finnish folk-music service last week, so went this morning, which turned into coffee with a couple of kantele (Finnish instrument) songs, which then led to a walk around the lake with one of the other choir members. That was serendipitous, as I'd recently been thinking it might be nice to walk with someone else once in a while. She also offered her thoughts on my job and school (several friends have recently.) I was planning on going back to the lake to study Finnish or read a book in the shade somewhere, but came home and while waiting for the laundry, cleaned the living room and part of the kitchen. A little while later, one of my other housemates wanted to show me the kitchen: she'd cleaned the rest of it, getting all the pots and pans that had been sitting there, cleaned and off the counters. It feels like it's been weeks. There's something, I don't know, the opposite of tense?, about walking into a kitchen that's clean, a house that's clean. Perhaps it's that since I was also cleaning, she felt like she could again, because all the responsibility wasn't falling on her to clean up after everyone else. I know the feeling.
Then she, I and one of the men that lives in the attic with us, all played a type of dominoes on the main floor, waiting for the air upstairs to cool down a bit. There's been a breeze blowing for a few hours now, but still too hot to sleep.
Then she, I and one of the men that lives in the attic with us, all played a type of dominoes on the main floor, waiting for the air upstairs to cool down a bit. There's been a breeze blowing for a few hours now, but still too hot to sleep.
Baby Gull
(Found the cable.) Most interesting creature from yesterday. I hadn't seen one this young before, big gray fur ball.
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| Gulls, July 5/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Baby, July 5/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Not sure what I want
Wandered around most of the day and then rushed to try to get to a friend's show in another part of town. Bus was late, waiting, big raindrops falling and leaving marks like footprints of some previously unknown species. Made it just in the nick of time. A very long bus ride where half the bus was drunk and it seemed as if a fight would break out at any moment, as one passenger seemed bent on it; thankfully everyone around him mostly just humored him rather than choosing to take offense. Still, happy to finally get to my stop.
I loved the show, I'd seen a shorter version of it about a month or so ago. Like this version more. She's taking it out to the fringe festivals in Winnipeg and Chicago this summer. It's called "The Two Step," if you are interested. Will also be playing at the Seattle Fringe Festival in September.
I haven't decided on the conservatory program yet, but was talking about it with friends tonight. Someone in my Alexander Technique class had mentioned looking into crowd-funding to help pay for it (someone else mentioned applying for an artist grant), and then this week I saw an article on the BBC about people using crowd-funding to pay for vacations and plastic surgery...it's not the worst thing in the world to ask for help for education. Anyway, a friend offered to help me with the money end (I'm not good at asking for things for myself, and I don't know...I suppose people don't have to fund it, but I won't know if they would unless I ask, I probably shouldn't decide that for them. Someone else at the table echoed that as well. I hate asking for money.)
I need to clear my head and really think this through this week. I've been all over the map and I haven't had time to really sit with what either choice would mean. I feel like a lot changed over the past year, and I don't want to lose that. It's huge upheaval to say "yes," but my life isn't really working for me right now and I don't see that changing unless I choose differently, so upheaval might not be the worst choice in the long run.
I saw this in my wanderings...oh, misplaced my cable, picture to follow, when I find it.
I loved the show, I'd seen a shorter version of it about a month or so ago. Like this version more. She's taking it out to the fringe festivals in Winnipeg and Chicago this summer. It's called "The Two Step," if you are interested. Will also be playing at the Seattle Fringe Festival in September.
I haven't decided on the conservatory program yet, but was talking about it with friends tonight. Someone in my Alexander Technique class had mentioned looking into crowd-funding to help pay for it (someone else mentioned applying for an artist grant), and then this week I saw an article on the BBC about people using crowd-funding to pay for vacations and plastic surgery...it's not the worst thing in the world to ask for help for education. Anyway, a friend offered to help me with the money end (I'm not good at asking for things for myself, and I don't know...I suppose people don't have to fund it, but I won't know if they would unless I ask, I probably shouldn't decide that for them. Someone else at the table echoed that as well. I hate asking for money.)
I need to clear my head and really think this through this week. I've been all over the map and I haven't had time to really sit with what either choice would mean. I feel like a lot changed over the past year, and I don't want to lose that. It's huge upheaval to say "yes," but my life isn't really working for me right now and I don't see that changing unless I choose differently, so upheaval might not be the worst choice in the long run.
I saw this in my wanderings...oh, misplaced my cable, picture to follow, when I find it.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Thursday
Supposed to meet some friends downtown but: 1) I'm broke and 2) I don't feel like catching a bus. It would be good to get out and meet people, I don't very much, I'm not super social. These would actually be a good group of friends to go out with in that respect, they are social. I go out a lot, to shows, not to big social events, and I don't tend to meet people that way. I usually meet people through classes or friends. (I suppose that's another reason I take a lot of classes, besides enjoying learning, you can get to know people over time, without any pressure or objective.)
Met with scene partner briefly tonight to talk about "process" for working on material. I don't know if I have one yet but obviously reading the script a few times, and then all the improv work, songs, animal, private moment, background work, etc. help, but my biggest things are: 1) getting off book as soon as possible; so that 2) I can make a connection with other person; and 3) knowing what I want overall; and then 4) trying to figure out how to get it. #3 and #4 are helped with external input, even just discussing the character, preferably with the director should I be so lucky (one would hope you could, but that might not always be the case), I like being able to bounce thoughts around to someone else. And #2 would include doing empathy work on the other person (or people) I'm working with. You have to love them on some level, connect to them as a human and not just and not just a cue feeder so that you can say your next line. I don't actually have my class review until August, I think. Most of the others were last week.
Stay or go?
I'm gonna be sore in the next couple of days: we did a lot of work on the floor in dance class tonight, I can already feel in it my hip joints. (Modern dance, thought about hip-hop as well, but it was full.) This will be good for getting over my floor aversion.
Kinda' wish I had a car.
Met with scene partner briefly tonight to talk about "process" for working on material. I don't know if I have one yet but obviously reading the script a few times, and then all the improv work, songs, animal, private moment, background work, etc. help, but my biggest things are: 1) getting off book as soon as possible; so that 2) I can make a connection with other person; and 3) knowing what I want overall; and then 4) trying to figure out how to get it. #3 and #4 are helped with external input, even just discussing the character, preferably with the director should I be so lucky (one would hope you could, but that might not always be the case), I like being able to bounce thoughts around to someone else. And #2 would include doing empathy work on the other person (or people) I'm working with. You have to love them on some level, connect to them as a human and not just and not just a cue feeder so that you can say your next line. I don't actually have my class review until August, I think. Most of the others were last week.
Stay or go?
I'm gonna be sore in the next couple of days: we did a lot of work on the floor in dance class tonight, I can already feel in it my hip joints. (Modern dance, thought about hip-hop as well, but it was full.) This will be good for getting over my floor aversion.
Kinda' wish I had a car.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Silly
On the bus to clown jam, people were short-tempered and nasty, on the way home, people were kind and complementing each other...perhaps it is the cooling down of the air.
Clown jam was ridiculously fun tonight. A 2+ hour improv in uninhibited silliness. I haven't had that much fun in ages. It was so free. There were only four of us that showed up, one was new, found us on the internet. I love it when people just show up and jump right in, it's fantastic. She does balloon events and during the last hour taught us how to make things. We had already been doing an hour of improv (three on a bench, and this similar exercise where only the first person speaks, and all they say is "alone" "company" "crowd") at that point, but it just evolved into this hour-long-return-to-childhood experience. What was great about it was that we all went there, and also I felt like I had a lot of idea generation coming up, somewhere to start. So, I think I've found a way into starting (creating something) work for me: play. Very glad this was tonight.
Clown jam was ridiculously fun tonight. A 2+ hour improv in uninhibited silliness. I haven't had that much fun in ages. It was so free. There were only four of us that showed up, one was new, found us on the internet. I love it when people just show up and jump right in, it's fantastic. She does balloon events and during the last hour taught us how to make things. We had already been doing an hour of improv (three on a bench, and this similar exercise where only the first person speaks, and all they say is "alone" "company" "crowd") at that point, but it just evolved into this hour-long-return-to-childhood experience. What was great about it was that we all went there, and also I felt like I had a lot of idea generation coming up, somewhere to start. So, I think I've found a way into starting (creating something) work for me: play. Very glad this was tonight.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Morning
The robin has a squeaky voice. Sings before 4 am now. I finally looked out, was up half the night anyway, (not sure why) but had opened one blind so that I could look at the stars. Read through the rest of the parent section of the Sotomayor book. When I looked to see if I could find the robin, I saw its outline at the apex of the roof, silhouetted against the lightening sky. Palest of yellows and greens, puffy orange-pink clouds in the foreground. The robin flew, I fell back asleep for a while. Dreamt I was trying to shout for my mother to say something about my life, but couldn't get much sound out. When I re-awoke, the sun had already risen, a different form of cloud filled my view, gauzy and stretched like arms reaching out to each other.
Begin the daily rituals that move us from one hour to the next. Guess I'm ready for more change.
Taken by surprise by how little disappointment I feel. Space for new to enter.
Begin the daily rituals that move us from one hour to the next. Guess I'm ready for more change.
Taken by surprise by how little disappointment I feel. Space for new to enter.
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