Fifteen more hours

The thing about the guy on the bus is that if it had been a woman, I woulda' intervened, is it hypocritical to not have because it was a man, or was I being presumptuous that there was anything wrong?  There was an incident with a woman once, where she started to slam herself into the window to the point where she was bleeding and wailing.  It didn't seem like she could speak or communicate well; the bus driver was asking what she should do, and eventually, she pulled over and called 911.  It seemed at the time that someone had maybe hurt her (prior to her getting on the bus) and she couldn't communicate that.  It was hard to tell if the blood was from before or from slamming herself (in a way of dealing with whatever had happened) on the windows and walls of the bus.  It was a late, crowded bus, and you don't always pay attention to who gets on or off of it, either because you're tired or trying not to make eye contact.  Now it seems trivial to talk about anything else here.

Kinda' excited about the scene work, learning a new way of approaching text.  I was frustrated with the little chair work I got in today, it was just feeling static, and since reading Esper, I didn't feel like I was living up to what the exercise should produce in me.  It just felt so rote, nothing emotional coming up, but maybe that's why you stay with it for half an hour.  Some of the partner exercises are so dynamic and interesting to watch, and I'm not there yet.  It's probably a combination of things: not being specific enough, not dropping into the relationships and meaning enough (or at all) before I come in, along with the fear of the days long crying jag after that voice class (which hit me out of the blue) and fear of violence, maybe.  Fear of being seen as vulnerable, fear of caring too much...I don't know.  Someone else mentioned this, and it's true for me as well, I go through such a wide range of emotions in my regular life, every day, but something shuts down when I get on "stage."  If it's because it feels artificial, then I need to do enough work so that it's not.  I did it in the last clown exercise last summer and felt a lot of emotion toward my partner and that was a random last minute pairing, with no time to prepare for it.  Why could I do it then and not now? (My "as if" was that we had been travelling together and I loved him, but that as soon as we walked off of the stage, I was leaving him and never going to see him again.  I mean, it's simple, specific and it worked...what is getting in my way from finding that now?)