Three weeks off

Very uncomfortable bus ride downtown this afternoon, literally, there must not have been any shock absorbers, or the roads were quite damaged.  Continually, almost painfully, jarred.  The way home seemed fine, same route.  Waiting for the bus, a white carriage and horse crossed a dark intersection, ghostly against the one decorated tree.  It started to rain.  On the bus, I was reading Arthur Miller's "After the Fall" and then overheard a conversation talking about Nazi Germany; second one in two days.  I don't know why this keeps coming up, only that if there is a lot of synchronicity, one should pay attention.

The review went well, we both noticed similar issues, she is kinder to me than I am to myself, much of what I need to work on is stuff I've previously mentioned: grounding, getting in touch with all sides of my inner 5-year old, softening...most of tonight was really personal, but the upshot is that I will be in the class next quarter.  I didn't really think that I wouldn't be, but she's honest, so I thought that option of not continuing if she didn't see progress might be there, or if I didn't care enough.  But I do care.  I do want to do this.  And I feel this work gives me another entry point into doing the type of work I want to do, learning the actual tools to approach it, as opposed to being locked out of it because I wasn't finding the right way in for me.  It is building on other work I've done this year.

If I had gotten into the language intensive this year my life would be very different: good in it's own way.  But I'm more grateful for the rejection than you can imagine.

I noticed the effort, I did.   I appreciate it, greatly, if it shocked me a little at the time.  At the least it means we are not enemies, I never wanted that.