Still staring at perfectionism

Had an entertaining enlightenment about character actors/directors/shows I should take a look at from a dancer and a linguist, both well-versed in theatre. I have no idea how that conversation started.

Back to the book, if someone has something to teach, I'm willing to be a student and learn from them. I have a low threshold for bs, and so I tend not to follow anyone blindly, or buy into the hype (I'm sure it may have happened for moments, but not for long...an advantage of having a brain like a darting squirrel.) I'm not looking for a "guru", whether that be for art or religion or diet or whatever. If the teacher knows their shit, I'll stay and learn longer. There's always something to learn, but I'll probably never be a complete devotee, I think it's dangerous. It gives someone else too much power over you and not enough space to think for yourself.  (I do, at times, rebel over silly things, but so be it. And I'm hypocritically self-righteous over other people's self-righteousness, what can you do? In the end, it is okay to be the deeply flawed, self-righteous, caring, lost, forgiving and grudge-holding, amazing and awful, laughable and cringe-worthy, inconsistent, stubborn, mind-changing, frightened and courageous, fearful, angry, and loving humans that we are: am learning to deal with that. I'm learning to live with the perfection in the imperfection. The other choice is to be paralyzed into inaction all the time because I'll never be good enough. Yes, that again. My doctor brought it up, said she thought clown woulda' been good for me, for the perfectionist thing, and it was. She's not a shrink, we just talk about random stuff. Oh, she's the same one that gave me the joke.)

I need to get better at closing myself off after doing theatre stuff, especially this. When I walked to the bus after class, everyone I passed either checked me out or spoke to me. And I met my classmate today during lunch to do the exercises, and then after work I stayed in the area because it's closer to choir practice than going home first, and I got hit on by the person at the next table. I think that's what happened after the massage last summer as well. Those aren't always bad things, but I'm way too open; too much of a magnet. Maybe I should wear headphones (and not actually turn them on-need to be aware of surroundings.) With this work, you strip all the defenses away, and those need to get put back up when the work is over. It's needed in the rehearsal space, and it's safe there, but not outside. George always did some sorta' ritual with us at the end of class, because clown work is so vulnerable. And walking out with lowered defenses was never an issue. I should find one for this.