After Tonight's Meisner

In the one ear I'm hearing that I should watch what I say, and "how dare you feel that," and that I need to be gracious, so I don't get to have my feelings.  I have to justify everyone else's behavior at the expense of my happiness, because that's being "the bigger person."  But screw that, when do I get to feel?  When do I get to express that, and you hear me, and still stay?  When do I get to smash the friggin' eggshells under my boot heels?

And then in the other ear I'm hearing, "don't censor yourself," "let yourself be upset," "let yourself be a 'brat'."  And I'm slowly letting that get easier, but still not second nature to let myself feel things without feeling like I'm a terrible person, or a bitch, or just "going to attract negativity" in my life...oh, is that how that works?  'Cos being gracious all the time is getting me walked all over.  And it's making real reactions and real connection on stage difficult to reach.  I need to give myself the permission to "be a bad" person.  To be the "non-gracious" one.  I mean come on, I had a right to know about the woman before they got engaged...why excuse it and say it was because of choices I made?  Even if that's true, I had a right to know.  I was more gracious than he ever deserved.  I was more than he deserved...but I made excuses for him.  (And I effing deserved safety.  I deserved emotional stability.  I deserved attention.  I deserved love.  And I have the right to say that, (and to want to hear you say "Happy Birthday" to me, and to be a little hurt that you won't-we are both making those choices, both responsible for them) even if it changes nothing there, with any of them.  It does change my ability to live truthfully, to do truthfully.  To access all of it.  All of it.  It's totally getting in the way.)  Now that I've gotten that off of my chest...

All this once again on Tuesday, and then we get to sing for each other on Sunday, something that gets us fired up.  I have "Stayin' Alive" stuck in my head, but maybe I won't sing that.  Who knows?  It's got a great kick.

Only shot three photos today (but did make a decent risotto.)
Will have to load it later, ongoing glitch in Blogger.

20, Jan 12/L Herlevi 2014