And when the words end

all that's left at the center is gratitude. Happy Easter.

Happy Weekend

I feel odd.

Here's a picture for the day, magnolias in the Quad, my cherry tree pictures weren't as good, too far away.

Magnolia tree/L. Herlevi 2013

Also, a song. In honor of Billy Bragg playing the Neptune later this week. It's not really a video, mostly just a picture of one of the Oasis guys. But I like this version of the song, the hollowness of the room.  Accident Waiting to Happen. It reminds me of driving across the Franklin Mountains between El Paso and Las Cruces with my aunt and uncle a long time ago. They had found an old Billy Bragg tape somewhere and we played it in the car, because it reminded them of when my sister had visited them in England in the early 90's. I haven't heard his music lately, I used to listen to him a lot in the late 80's and early 90's. I listened to Workers Playtime alot, it had all the "love" songs on it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCCnNqyrgmI

Gonna go see if I need a benedryl.

Trying to purge stuff. Got rid of a box, then took two large bags of clothing to a Goodwill drop-off. Walked 40 blocks home. The sun was warm, the air slightly cool, smelling clean of balsa and rockrose. I love late afternoon when the sun begins to slant toward the horizon. My favorite time of day.

Good Friday

Singing tonight music I love, especially Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus. We have a cellist and an oboeist (sp?) playing with us which sound awesome in the space, and make the really long song more interesting. (We sang it Sunday as well, without them, and my mind was wandering all over the place, which doesn't usually happen when I sing.) And then I'll need to write the scholarship application, it's due Monday. Still feeling ambivalent about the trip: 1) both my parents are having surgery this month; 2) I seem to have forgotten all the Finnish that I know since spring break started, and; 3) I'm still sick. Although for the last reason, maybe I'd feel better with a change of scenery. My RA doctor tried to find a different, older asthma medicine to see if it would be cheaper. It was more expensive (because you needed to take more, so had to buy more, I think.) $155. The nurse gave me a website for help with medicine you can't pay for. So, I'll look into that. But, back to Finland, 1) going and doing an immersion course would help with the bilingual goal; 2) it would be nice to see Riikka again; and 3) it's pretty much paid for (tuition, books, housing) if you get into the program, I would just need to come up with travel money (really expensive to fly there) and food, etc.

The housemate moved out yesterday, though by the time I got home from supper and rehearsal, he was sitting in the living room drinking beer with another housemate and watching basketball highlights (to check on his bracket, I guess.) Then he took a shower and went back to the other house. He left the super comfortable Ikea wooden-recliner-type chair, which is cool. The couch is kinda' gross.

Wide awake

It's 1:11 am. I took a nap earlier and now I'm wide awake. I was going to check out this workshop online that I'm sharing with someone, but I can't figure out where I put my password. I thought it was next to me when I fell asleep, but now it isn't. 

There were a bunch of ants in the bathroom when I got home tonight. Even though I don't think they are in my room (hard to tell with the carpet, but I don't see any) I feel super itchy. I overthink everything and then read too much into everything. A consequence of spending too much time by myself. I'm a drop in a big bucket. Wish I knew where I put the password. Wish I were tired enough to sleep.

Again, let go or be dragged.  Flirting can be a pleasant and harmless way to pass the time. And flattering, too. A piece of advice I read in a horoscope last night, good as advice even if you don't believe in horoscopes:"The very things you want to tell another person are very well the things you should be telling yourself." (Holiday Mathis-Capricorn, for today.) Ouch. So, where am I not taking responsibility and passing the buck? Could I have more integrity? (Actually, I tend to take on too much responsibility, I need to let that go and be okay if things fall apart. I can't actually hold the world together.  Still I would be responsible for playing small.)

Enough of the moping. I wonder if the ants bite me in my sleep? I got really sick a couple of weeks ago, actually fasted for a few days, but I still can't eat. Trying to force myself, because it's good to eat, but still only eating about half of what I would normally consume. (Ooh, another cool exhibit, I wonder if I can get there by 5?)  My doctor says there was some virus going around, but I didn't have a headache or anything. At any rate, I lost 8 lbs. Finally was able to eat some soup tonight.

I love the walk into work in the damp, cool, green, quiet morning. It's so luscious. Ah, the wanderings of my brain on too little sleep and too little to eat.

So, obviously I need to dig into this button of mine that once pushed takes me from a rational individual to a raving nutcase. And as I've decided that I'm gonna face all these things this year, they are coming up. (Not here, though.)

New way of walking

Well, signed up for the class, want to build on what is fresh in my mind (and muscle memory.) I'll be nice to myself, and hopefully the throat will start to heal.

A dude I live with asked me out yesterday. Wasn't really sure if it was a date or not, or just housemates hanging out. For some reason, getting close to (men, romantically) someone scares the crap out of me. I don't know when that started, I wasn't this way in college. He's moving this weekend, and it could've been a friend thing, though he's been oddly protective lately. Not in a creepy kinda' way, but he walked me home last night when he coulda' gone to the bar next door to watch the end of the soccer match (which he wanted to see.) And he keeps wanting to make me tea (because of the coughing.) And while I can take care of myself, it's nice when someone else gives a damn.

Incidently, I came the closest I ever have to nailing the Estonian song this week. We didn't have any tenors at rehearsal, so we really worked parts and we worked them slowly. (I get lazy or tired at the end of the 16th-note runs and have trouble putting the last syllable on. And unlike Handel or Mozart, there are actual words attached to every running note.)

And this is pretty dorky, but I've always walked kinda' odd, not using my full foot motion. Since I took this biomechanics class, I enjoy practicing walking, moving through my entire foot is new and fun for me. I keep finding excuses to get up and walk around the office. (Though I do often hear a male voice shouting out, "feel the ground with your whole foot!" which is amusing.)

Tuesday

Out in the yard practicing biomechanics balancing stuff as the day lightens, sun not risen yet, but enough light to see. Flocks of crows fly overhead and robins sing somewhere in the nearby trees. I'm not as centered as I had been, haven't been practicing balancing as much as other aspects. I smacked myself in the forehead only once though.  I practice a lot of the walking and moving stuff at the bus stop and at work; we have a long hallway and a lot of corners around the lobby to my desk.

Somebody posted the zen proverb: "Let go or be dragged." on facebook recently. I have it posted on my desk. For some reason, when nothing else has worked, somehow this really does help me to let go of physical things. And those things carry emotional weight, but they are completely dragging me down. Need to do a Goodwill run and and H&M (they recycle old clothes now) run this weekend. Now, I'm going to go look for butterflies.

I give up trying to understand. I have never been mean or acted inappropriate toward him. He won't even respond to me. (I only asked "why?")  Let go or be dragged.

I was wrong.

Song

Still irritated, trying not to bite my tongue off. Here's a song for the day, again, no meaning for it, I just really like it, and I don't have anything to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDLiVwpv89s

Duran Duran, Ordinary World.

So, I need to get this coughing thing figured out. It's getting worse, and my throat feels swollen now most of the time from it. And, I need to stop singing for a while. Maybe at least until September. I'll sing for this week, and possibly the Finnish concerts, but I need to treat myself with kindness, too. It is my favorite thing to do, and I've never had this throat issue before, and it just never seems to get better. Ironically, I actually sing better now, I think my voice sounds better, vastly.  When I was watching Julius Caesar last night, I was thinking, "I can't shout like that." I want to take an acting class this quarter, because I feel I have some momentum as far as being present and in my body and breathing and ways to get into a character that I didn't have before, but I'm not sure if that would be pushing my health too much. It would help if I knew what was causing this, but I can't see anyone else until I get these medical bills paid down. Stress over money isn't gonna help any. It would be helpful also if the asthma medicine wasn't so expensive, but I don't know how to work around that one, there is no generic. Breaks my heart not to be able to sing, but maybe it just needs more time to heal. When I mentioned kindness, one of those people was talking to me about singing and also of being kind to myself. She said she had missed me singing (I hadn't gone to rehearsals in the past few months) but that I had to take care of myself. There have been a bunch of others too, not just about singing, but a lot of it has been about that.

Palm Sunday

I was wrong about thinking it won't freeze in the mornings now, it's been below freezing when I've woken up now a few times in the past week.  Now my throat hurts again because I coughed so much yesterday, maybe it's the pollen?

Ended up going to another museum today, because it was free, and so was I. Then I had been planning on seeing a production of Julius Caesar which was hours later, but I didn't feel like I could make it home and back by bus, so I ended up walking around a lot, in heeled boots. My feet were killing me. Hopefully end up with some good pictures from that. I have to get them developed, I've shot a bunch of film this week. Anyway, I was super tired, so I "bus-dozed" a bit during the first act, but not the second. I enjoyed it. It was the only public performance, so I'm glad I went. I just got home about an hour ago, it would normally have taken longer, but I had good luck with busses and transfers tonight. The air was pleasant on the walk from the bus stop to my house.

People in my life have been so kind lately, and I'm trying to be able to accept it. I think I've changed somehow. I'm not sure how, but a lot of my relationships are opening up, at a non-threatening pace, and I am grateful for that.

Singing to the dawn

It's cold, but I have my window cracked open anyway.  Someone was smoking earlier. I can hear the morning song of robins and the slow increase of traffic outside. It's Saturday, so less now than usual. It's just past 7 am. I've been up since 4 am. I wrote some and am trying to finish a book, by restarting it again since I had misplaced it and can't remember what I'd already read. I think I might have been almost done.  So do I go to the art museum or to check out the "brush-eating goat!"? I have a party later, maybe I'll just fall back asleep.  I won't be asked what I thought, and so I won't have to answer. And in a way, that's a relief, I don't have anything to say.

Well, the goats were a no-show, so I helped to clear knotweed and blackberry for awhile then went to the museum and later took pictures of beautiful trees (film). Ate lunch in a place where I saw a cockroach run around a table-top and finally wandered over to the birthday party. And how sad is it that 20 people want me to be in their company and I'm pining over the one that doesn't? I need to keep myself occupied. Still, better to feel than to not feel.

Now that spring has arrived

it's snowing! Big freaking flakes, dropping like a curtain. Had the strongest wind of the year earlier this week as well. It was a pretty uneventful winter, weatherwise, and now that it's no longer winter, we are getting a little bit of everything, as if Mother Nature suddenly woke up and shook out her satchel of tricks.

Well, that's that. Time to make myself move along now.  Here's a random picture of street art in Lisbon. Has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this post, I just really like it.




Lisbon-Street Angels/L.Herlevi
 

night, but not Friday

The flocks of geese across the street call to each other in the dark. Earlier I went to see a photo exhibition and when I got off the bus it had begun to hail. After I left the gallery, I walked 20 minutes in the rain to the library to return an overdue book, in hopes of snow.  It snowed a little, now and again. I barely made it back to rehearsal in time. There were only two sopranos tonight so I was trying to sing loud and practicing air-moving techniques from the voice class.  And though I definitely have more vibrato, and, I think, more volume, my voice itself is shot. I sound like a boy going through puberty when I speak, however, my throat isn't sore. Still, I guess I understand why the ENT doc said not to sing (or shout, or whisper.) I'll take a break again after Easter, but I love the Good Friday music and I really want to sing it. The other choir only has two more concerts until late summer.  Both of those are in April.  And even though the cherry trees are only beginning to bloom, people are showing up to take pictures of and with them, and climbing them, and standing in them while conducting everyday conversations. I love them all year, but they definitely stand a bit taller now.

Preparing for the big show

The grounds crew are out mowing, weed-whacking and power-blowing every inch of grass in a rainstorm. The earthworms are streaking across the flooded pavement escaping the onslaught of metal blade and whipping string. There are so many it's hard to avoid stepping on them.  The cherry trees send out preliminary blossoms in preparation for the big show. It seems as if overnight the whole Quad was covered in buds, making the trees look blurry from a distance. And I know it's anthropomorphizing to believe that the trees enjoy all the attention, the photos, the people sitting against them, near them, in their branches, travelling just to witness the blooms, but I do.

Frost

and cold this morning while I was outside dealing with the garbage. Seems winter ain't going down without a fight. Had to give in and wear the hat again. Beautiful red sunrise.

At lunch I walk in a different direction, wanting to look for cherry or plum trees in bloom. I stop by some magnolias, and as I point my camera skyward, I see two sets of fluttering wings, black against the sky, to my right. Butterflies? Now? After I shoot the picture I look for them, but they are gone. I start to walk away, turn and I see one land in the grass. A chocolate brown butterfly, with small white and small purple spots on the edges of it's wings. It sits unmoving in the grass, and I try to get closer to get a picture because I have a short lens, but I frighten it and it flies up into the branches and lands on an unopened flower, too far away.

Film

Finally finished the roll of film in the camera and began to shoot a second. Woke up at 4 am with a wicked headache but didn't bother to get up and take anything for it until 5:30. I always do this, they almost never go away on their own. Still have it, though not unbearably so. We get to sing the very difficult Estonian song in rehearsal tonight. It's energizing and the sopranos always end up in giggles because it is so difficult to sing. There's a long 16th note section near the end that I practiced in a corner in the Chicago airport for a couple of hours, but still can't get in it's entirety when we sing it altogether. We haven't sung it since Finland. I need to put all of my music in a central place (so I can find it when I need it.) I will say that a lot of the music is easier now that I've been studying Finnish, since the pronunciations are easier for me, except for the Estonian song, on that one, not only am I having trouble keeping up matching the words with the rythym, but I found out tonight that I'm probably pronouncing the vowels wrong. We have about a month until we sing it publicly.

St. Patrick's Day

Read two books and now need to finish a third as it's due date is just about here.  Slept too much, trying to keep myself occupied to not let this overwhelming feeling of disappointment engulf me as has been threatening for days now. It's just part of life, though saying that doesn't make me feel any better. Been reading other people's blogs for about an hour now. It's 6:30 in the morning, maybe I should get up and exercise? Cook. Do my taxes. De-clutter. Too early for laundry. Write. Put film in a camera. Find camera?  I know I'm an idiot, but closing myself off would be worse (for me.)

Got up, made nettle tea, then made risotto with the nettles and some of the tea (and those baby leeky things that I pulled from the garden yesterday). I had some broth I needed to use up. Turned out better than last time, used a different cooking vessel, higher sides. Miss the cheese, but was edible. Cracked open the window so I could listen to the robins sing their pre-dawn songs, once the sun had risen above the mountains, I could hear the other birds singing as well. I really enjoy cooking in the morning when no one else is awake, but if I do it on weekdays, I always end up being late for work. I'm easily side-tracked.

Wow, the asthma prescription was $144 even with health insurance! So, I can't fill it.  So sick of coughing and reinjuring my throat.

Saturday-Free

as is often the case, I ended up randomly gardening.  Turned some soil, pulled weeds and the endless growth of the leek-garlic-who-knows-what hybrid; transplanted some self-seeding kale-things (I don't know what they are) and so am glad that it started to rain so they can get watered in. Water hasn't been turned on yet for the season.  Detoured home by way of Greenlake so I could look at the ducks.  Lots of coots, beaks and feet bleached out, a lone one running from the water to the flock across the sand and reminding me with it's lurching gate over it's massive webbed-feet of a man staggering across the desert in search of an oasis. Mallards were sleeping in the weeds, and two mergansers bathed in the company of a bufflehead couple.  There were crew races across the lake and the cormorants had collected themselves on an unused swimming dock away from the action, but alert and watching.

Friday

Well, that's all over, for better or worse.  The one thing I didn't study ended up being a large chunk of the test, and that would be how to form plurals.  I think I added extra vowels in a few cases, and I think I made it too complicated.  Still, I finished everything but "aurinkoista torilla?" "In the sun, on the square?" I know we went over it, which makes it worse that I can't remember it.

And since taking the biomechanics class, the way I move through space is fundamentally different from before.  I think my center of gravity has lowered and I definitely have complete contact between my feet and the ground, and that's new. Now, to spend time on character development in relation to everything I've learned.  It's strange to be suddenly free, I can actually read without feeling guilty that I should be studying or rehearsing.

Now, that I am no longer wearing a hat, I really should get a haircut or a better conditioner.  Put film in camera.

Hyvää viikonloppua!

Almost warm

I think it's finally time to retire the knit cap for the season. Yesterday on the bus I noticed I was the only rider over-dressed with two jackets, and woolen scarf and my knit cap.  Today, most everyone was bare-headed, including me.  The earth is blooming in earnest around me, and the air is hovering around 50 F. It could still conceivably snow now, but I don't think it will freeze. 

Song of the week, since I've paid all of my bills, and have a couple of dollars left to my name-Simply Red from the 80's.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04zwhjRiCbo

Last weekend of classes

Really gonna miss going. I think the combination of these two classes with these two instructors (and fellow students) opened up a lot of possibility for me, answered questions I didn't know I needed to even ask as well as the asking of more questions. This world feels way more open to me now, and for that I am grateful.

And then there was my brain on the oral exam..."what! wait, can I say that in Spanish?What?" It became an over eager spaniel watching a darting squirrel. I barely even looked at my instructor, I think my eyes were permanently rolled up toward the ceiling racking my brain to fish out those swimming, intermingling words that related to Finnish, and then pulling them apart from the Spanish ones. I CAN come up with the language, it just takes me a long time.

And I get a partial lunch today, do I go for a walk or do I go eat?

Here's one of two songs for the day: Jackson 5 (listened to a lot of Jackson 5 records when I was little)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxPbu-AF6Ko

Here's the other: Aztec Camera-no particular reason for either, I like both. (This came out a while back, but I heard it for the first time this year.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCMX8k-jHsM

Hyvää viikonloppua!

ah rain!

Falling in earnest...I bring my rain coat on the days when it doesn't rain, and didn't wear it today. It's bulky. Perhaps it won't be raining when I leave.

Throat tests were negative for cancer or other infection, but there is throat damage. Have been changing my diet and cutting back to 1 or 2 cups of coffee/day, eating earlier at night, etc. I think I'm singing now in a more healthy manner since starting these voice lessons.  I sang the whole concert on Sunday, it was split into 2 sets of 5 songs each, and there was an hour break in between, and I didn't feel like I needed painkillers afterward, so that's improvement. I sang in class afterwards and my voice "broke" but not much, I went with it.

Did not get a good photo of trees last night, will make further attempts.

Ooh...guess I shoulda' brought the jacket afterall.  Very. Wet. Out.

Back to cloudy

At least it's warmer.  The flowers are beginning to pop on the trees at the edge of the Quad.  Will see if my battery is still charged in the camera and take some pictures after work. (It's now still light out for an hour after work!)

The scan was quick but I freaked out about the iodine injection (or possibly just having the IV in my arm) and felt heavy in the chest and head after, so had to stay for a while to see if I got better, which obviously, I have.  Mostly my blood pressure shot up. I won't know anything for a week. On the bus on the way to the office yesterday, I had an episode of "bus-dozing" and began to imagine a blue light shining in my throat and inside my body.  I imagine it healing everything.  I don't know if it helps, but it does calm me down and so I'll probably continue to do it when I can. Incidentally, the technician did an excellent job with the IV, no bruising whatsoever.

The speaking test for Finnish is this week (how did the quarter go so quickly?) And then a quiz early next week and the final on Friday. Whew. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of everything, we learned how to figure out how to find the word stem and how to form the stem into other forms, which is helpful for communication, but a lot to digest in a week.

Cheerio.

Not ready

Oh, crud, the CT scan is today. I'd been thinking it was next week. Not really ready to know anything, feeling off-center with as much as has been going on.

It's been gorgeous out both yesterday and today. The sky was clear and the stars were out in force when I walked home last night, and the ground was frozen when I got up.  Just when you think winter is over...it's been a pretty non-eventful winter in this corner of the country (not to tempt fate.) The cherry and plum trees are either already blooming or preparing themselves for their moment. The transition from a hard lifeless twig to the softness of leaves and flowers always intrigues me.

Sunday

Need to get up and start the day. Busy, I won't get home again until after 10 pm. Motivated to shoot photos again lately in a way that I haven't been in a long time. I took a break a while back because I was using it as a crutch and I thought I needed an excuse to "be in the room" and I wanted to let myself participate in life instead of always documenting (mostly other people's lives.) I was actually hoping to find a balance, since I still want to be a storyteller in some way, but I needed to experience first hand and to live my life as well, plus I wasn't progressing with it like I'd hoped I would (the photography) and it started to make me feel desperate as everyone around me grew in bounds and started making money (and taking much better pictures), and I felt left behind.  I'm in a different place now, though I'd still like to sell something, one because it would be kinda' nice to have some validation and two because it's expensive and it would allow me the funds to do more.  I still shoot film and print in a lab, I have a point and shoot digital, but it can't do what the film camera can, and the digitals that can do what I want are still outta' my price range. Yes, I need to get ready for the concert now.

So, I was close on time, 10:05 or so.  A family friend brought my mom to my concert today, she hasn't seen me sing anything since the early 80's.  It was a really nice surprise.  It's a long drive, and I think the friend decided to come at the last minute and asked my mom if she wanted to come too.  And then class went better this week. I didn't cry to the point where I couldn't sing like I did last week.  I didn't tear up during my song, though I did for other people's. I think I was supposed to change "him" to "you" but I forgot, because I was also singing to "Jesus" whom I now had physical contact with, as opposed to him being somewhere else in the space, and that was a lot to think about. (I hadn't been singing to him before, but about him. And as there are no stage directions, it makes sense to sing to him, even if he is asleep.  It is an impossible relationship, given the circumstances. And seriously, I don't know how to let him love me. What would that look like? Feel like? Where could that be? Not where we are.)

And it was fortunate that I kept having to be a gremlin to other singers' circumstances, as my quads are totally seizing up, and if I sit for too long, I can barely get up and walk.  Tomorrow morning will be interesting. Peace.

Saturday

One more week of acting classes for the quarter, Finnish class only has two more weeks as well.  Need to re-file my paperwork for tuition soon. We spend so much time standing with bent legs that my quads are always shaking after the biomechanics class. I enjoy the class, I'm going to miss going.

Tomorrow is the Kalevala celebration and voice class.  Tonight there is a Fado concert at Meany Hall.  I bought the tickets last spring, wouldn't have remembered it was tonight except I saw an ad for it. Been super spacy last couple of days. Think I might be taking on too much.

The concert was fabulous.  And perhaps the song (voice class) would better be entitled as I don't know how to let him love me. That would be a mystery as well.
Here's a youtube clip of Ana Moura singing Desfado http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V42ix2CtZ8Y
-Ciao
L

Swirling birds

Walking between class and work, head full of my own thoughts, my eyes suddenly drawn to the grey skies by the swirling and calling of birds. It's the gulls crying, but there is a flock of Great Blue Herons circling.  I counted, but then immediately forgot, still full of my own thoughts, I want to say it was around ten. I'm not sure that I've seen so many herons circling around together.  They do nest here, but slightly further south. Perhaps something disturbed the nests, and the gulls decided to add to the chaos of it all.

Ended up at the ACT Theatre last night and saw These Streets a rock 'n roll story.  Initially, I'd been planning on attending a lecture on the UW campus, but knew a friend had a gig related to this play up on the Hill from 6-7pm, so on a whim decided to go check it out  It was at The Project Room, whose new theme is "How will we be remembered," or something to that effect, and as a side note, I think about that a lot, have I done anything with my life that makes a difference to anyone or anything?  Made me think of an art project...anyway, after the gig, I was talking to my friend and she asked if I was going to the play and mentioned it was a "pay what you can" night, so I decided to go.  The walls of the Project Room had been covered with show posters from the 90's and a timeline of music/scene-related events had been penciled onto another wall. It was a strange feeling.  This was my "youth" era, so to speak, it's hard to believe it's been almost 20 years since I was going to all those shows and even if I wasn't part of a band, everyone here knew someone in a band, and that was my life then.  You can change so gradually that when you look back you realize you've forgotten part of who you once were.

The play itself is about women in the Seattle music scene during the early 90's, it mostly covered 1990-94, and then flashed forward to today. Four women then and now, two men then, one now and a band on stage singing songs from women musicians of the era.  I recognized these women, composits from oral histories of musicians.  And I was especially happy when one of the characters addressed the whole Riot Grrl scene and pointed out that it started out as a political thing in Olympia. I enjoyed the show, the singing was excellent, especially liked Sarah Rudinoff, who along with Gretta Harley produced the show (and they also wrote it, with Elizabeth Kenny-who also was in the show.)-As I was writing this, KEXP played Nirvana's Sliver, which reminds me of college.

A quote from the Director, Amy Poisson, " I invite you to let yourselves be transported back in time to your youth, to your pain and joy, to success and failure, and to your future.  It's all still there waiting for you to pick up where you left off." I was.