Writer's block

The chasm widens
bridge appears demolished
should I leap across?

I think I am the only one that cares. It sounds as if it is hailing outside, how is that possible? I've got the worst writer's block on this project. It's not even that much dialogue that I need to write, I just don't think I have enough language, and I don't know what to say. I have to write something, I already got an extension for a first draft until this morning. Crud. And I can't blow it off, there are other people involved. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Guess, I should just write and see if I can extract anything from that.

Well, it wasn't much, and it wasn't particularly exciting, but it was something. Hopefully, it'll flesh out when we storyboard later this week. Hyvää Vappua Hippaa! It was freezing outside.

Elämä on hyvää. Guess I'll say, "Yes."

Monday evening-no sleep for me

There's a lot of talent in this city.  Need to go write the script now.

post golf

Golf was fun, we were only 3, but there were tons of people there. It was the last day. All the proceeds went to harm reduction. We didn't actually finish the game, the line for the last hole was too long, it involved skeet shooting. At any rate, we were there for a couple of hours. Then I went and ate Chinese food, because I hadn't eaten all day and I was in the neighborhood.

The dream was a new anxiety dream for me, usually those involve either my teeth falling out; looking for a toilet, that I can never find; taking a math test for a class I never went to (that I need); or less often, losing clothing. And is it better to unabashedly like something that may not be cool, but be happy, or to hang out somewhere you're too jaded to admit to or actually like? One of the two is happy where they are, the other should probably find somewhere they like better.

Late now

Didn't feel well when I woke up, so let myself fall back asleep. Woke myself up from a dream that began in a coffee shop turned restaurant/bar, where I was having a discussion with the cool chick across the table about the merits of this place before and after. Apparently, I liked it much better now, better coffee, better hours, serves good food...she went on about how it was better at some previous point, I really couldn't follow, and I started to doubt my own opinion because even though I had lived here, and gone here for years, somehow she stated her opinion with such disdain, I wasn't comfortable with my own. Too cool for school. Then I realized I was late for rehearsal, so I ran to the theatre, and other students/actors? were milling from the lobby to the theatre, so I ran and got my stuff. When I walked in, everyone had divided into groups for what I thought was a warm up. I started to head toward the smaller group, where I knew people, but got waved over to the other. Something about each having a pitch to hold and do something with, and I thought I could fake it 'til I figured it out, even though now there were more than 8 people, and I didn't know my pitch (for an eight tone scale.) So we start, and I can't figure it out, and then suddenly one of the female actors/students, is in a spotlight, done up like a 60's british, pop star and singing flawlessly, a song I've never heard before, completely off book. And I think, "how did I miss all this in 2 minutes?" In way over my head.  (And now it's late. I need to go to library and then meet friends for Smash Putt Golf http://www.smashputt.com/).

Saturday

The robin outside my window is singing it's morning song, must sing for rain, too: it's now just past noon. Have returned from the manure-moving work party, and now need to get ready for the last Finnish concert until late summer. Last with our director, as well. It's a spring party, Vappu Hippa, so happy and sad occasion. After today, I really need to get my throat healed, still hurts, even though the coughing has subsided considerably in the past couple of weeks. It feels a lot like when you need to cry and all the tension builds up in your throat, but you can't cry, for whatever reason. It doesn't help if I cry, but that's how it feels.

Oh, no. My sweater is not with the rest of my outfit (for the concert.) I hope I can find it! I don't remember seeing it since Finland.  Oh, good, just in the bottom of my closet, wrinkled, but existing in this city.

Well, that's over for now.  I was gonna go out tonight, but I stayed late to help clean the hall (since we were renting it) and I need to do laundry and catch up on my finnish homework anyway. Someone told me he liked my singing, which was nice to hear. I then came home and told my housemate that I appreciated him (because he takes responsibility, so I don't have to.) I think I embarrassed him, but, I rarely say it, and I think I should more often.  I was listening to our Finland CD earlier, and then someone played a slide-show of pictures from the trip at the party today, it made me a little sad not to be going back this summer. The tour was an "all stars aligning" moment in time, se oli ihanaa. I'm grateful that it happened at all, more so that I was able to be a part of it. It'll be good to be here, too.  Can't happen again, but new things will.

Late

The Scorpio moon rises through wisps of clouds, a giant sulfur-yellow disc in the late sky as I walk home from the bus. The street is dark, and I'm trying to walk fast, but I stop to look at it for a moment. Beautiful.  The performance I watched tonight was an interesting story, and an interesting concept, but it lost me in the end. Partially, it was what I could imagine other people's opinions would be, what they say privately vs. publically, and partially it was that this had less time to pull together. It felt like a workshop. I enjoyed the music, and the costumes and the staging. There was some wonderful movement, choreography and great vocalized sound (wordless sound), but I felt it copped out in the end. Still, I like the concept.

And I've read through my assigned play a couple of times now. If it were an actual performance, there would be very little clothing involved. In our scene, my character is wearing something, not sure about my partner, it doesn't say in the script.

Happy Friday!

Above a sink-L. Herlevi

Thursday night

Totally psyched that I was assigned a comedy in class tonight. And I like the character, even if she does hit really close to home. (And class is still fun.) Thank you stj.

Disjointed

And if I seem a bit disjointed, it's that parts of my life are going well, parts of my life a changing, and parts of my life need to change. Which I imagine is true for everyone.

My lunch was overly salty (do people actually taste these things before serving them?-All I can taste is salt.) I really wish I had bought chocolate at the store last night.

Okay, broke down and bought some. Found a used cd of someone I used to know.  The cd's new-ish, listening to it now, kinda' quietly, not as loud as it deserves, but definitely like what I hear. And have been having a very open (email) conversation with someone about something we have never spoken about. It's painful, but it's a good thing.

Bad analogy

And the problem isn't the people involved here, it's (to use a very bad analogy) that I'm trying to buy lunch in a shoe store.  I need to either just buy shoes, or move along to a place that actually sells food (preferably healthy.) And stop hoping to find what's never gonna be available where I'm looking for it. Of course the question is "how?"

I think I might go see some sorta' healer or therapist. I knew this half my life ago (though forgot about it in the intervening years), and it's still an issue and I don't want to live however many years are left of my life, like this. I want to get out of my own way.

oh!

I have liked men that were good for me (or at least not actively bad for me) so, I'm not chasing for the bad boy's (not bad people necessarily, just unavailable to me, incapable or unwilling to care about me) affection all the time, in a pursuit of futility...but while I was walking home tonight, I did figure out where that came from. I can't mention it, (I am willingly protecting) but it was totally laughable. I only hope knowledge is some sorta' power to change my own futile behavior. There is definitely a confidence (no, make that swagger, the other men were actually more confident, just not as blatant) that's attractive in those men, but also the chase, and I suppose the idea that I'll never have to be vulnerable, because they will never of ask it. So, I suppose that's both of us being unavailable. But  I think I want to let myself be now, but with someone capable of giving the same. (But would I even recognize that?) This other thing is a game, it's not real. There is so much crap coming up right now, though better now than later. (I've opened up a floodgate of stuff that wants to be seen and heard and processed. Moving along. Not a good time to try to study.)

Oh, crud. No it's not enough. I have a distinct memory of realizing this source at 23. Still not working for me, how do I change that?

Something to want

I found something I'm psyched to pursue, this whole performing arts thing. I'm about as excited as I was about Spain. I wanted this when I was younger, but as I've said elsewhere, I didn't allow myself to want things then, and sold myself short, and I'm more whole now (which is a good thing in the art world, so easy to lose yourself, there's so much rejection, so much striving). I'm trying to keep showing up for this, for me. And since I won't travel anywhere this year, I'm hoping to use vacation time to study daily. There are some intense workshops, one probably above my level, but a collaboration project, and if I can get out of my own way and carry my weight, it would be a fantastic experience. The others involve speech, and getting rid of blocks. We'll see. But I'm really excited, I mean the sun's out and it's warm, and I'm able to finally eat again after like 6 weeks of barely eating...all these things are good.

Tuesday

I can hold higher thoughts for the briefest of moments and then my deep insecurities win out. If I can face the elephant, hopefully, those will win less and less. And then maybe the ground will be stable, or better yet I can hold my center even when it's not.

Elämä on

"Elämä on." Which I learned yesterday is the finnish equivalant of something akin to what "c'est la vie" is in french. I don't know why that came up, but it got written up on the board. Do we have a good short way to say this in english? (Do we capitalize languages in english? I've lost track, or what words are capitalized in spanish...or finnish...or french.) I also really like "je regret" (maybe it's j'ai le regret or je suis désolée) and "lo siento".  The french is pretty buried, I only remember it in part, "Je t'aime (name of city)" I said (enthusiastically) to a strange woman once. I think I scared her.  I meant to tell her that I loved that particular city, but of course, that isn't what I said. (I (enthusiastically!) told her I loved her, instead.)  Living and studying in Finland would of course be good for learning these sorts of things, but elämä on, and to every other outcome that never occured or turned out differently or whose door was shut, "j'ai le regret, pero, elämä on:)"

Oh, Today is actually Earth Day

Well, happy day to our beautiful, gracious home, again.

One down, one to go

I can hear tires on wet pavement, though I haven't bothered to look. Have to leave for rehearsal shortly. Have the massive Scandinavian choral concert at 3 pm, but our call is 1:30 pm. After today, one more rehearsal and one more concert next weekend and that commitment is done until late summer. I love going. I love being part of it, but I need a break, I've taken on too much lately.

Later. Concert was fun. We sat on the side facing the giant windows. I watched the weather change, sunbreaks to dark ominous clouds crossing the hill. The wind blew thru the newly leafed big-leaf maple tree. The branches contracted and constricted together like a lung, like breath. The Norwegian women's choral music had a mysterious quality, it reminded me of old film scores, like old Disney or the Wizard of Oz. In the mass choir's last song (we sang four songs together, then individual choirs, then three more songs together) we got lost at the beginning, eventually recovered, but it didn't quite go like it was rehearsed.  Later, at the bar, someone told the bartender that I was someone they could learn to like. This was based on my choice of beer. If only life were that simple.  Gonna try to make a dinner party now.

Peace

Maybe it really is that simple.

Happy Day, Earth!

Should get up and go to the farmer's market, need to clean out the fridge too. I don't know if I'll buy anything, I just like to go. I like the farmers.

I'm really excited about our video project idea, if it works out it will be hillarious, if not it will be a wonderful trainwreck. Comedy requires total commitment

(Sorry that mention of elephant is only metaphoric.)

Talk

Was able to talk about elephant with a couple of people today. It came up randomly, one of the other people had similar issues, the other said that she couldn't tell. It was a relief.

You know, I like to say I don't believe in fate, but it was certainly fortuitous that I got this book at the library right after seeing August: Osage County, right after all those issues coming up from me, and then had all these random conversations.  Still it's a bit like falling down a rabbit hole. Like I said, I thought I dealt with a lot of this in my 20's, but then there's this other layer now and I'm pretty sure there were some confrontations in my 20's, so maybe when I work through this stuff I'll figure out who I need to tell this to, 'cos I'm confused with this one.  And I can't continue to protect everyone at the expense of myself. And all this going on, I had a really good afternoon: saw a band I liked, in the pouring rain; ate food I really like (and they made it without the ingredient that I'm allergic to) and read; and am now listening to a cool radio show. (And I can go to sleep if I want to, and not on the bus.)

Really wet Friday morning

Stood in line for the coffee and donuts, coffee was out, but the music was good and someone just offered to buy me hot chocolate, so hey.

The other thing I realized I want more of in my life is deep conversations. The type you have in college. And I need those like I need nature, or water, or air. I feel like the lack of them makes more timid when I should say something, speak up, stand up for something. And I want to feel like someone hears me. I hear other people, but I'd like the reciprocation in conversation, the two-or-more participant thing. Sometimes I want to know that it matters that I'm alive to anyone other than me. Does that make me needy? Or is that a normal interaction for most people? (Not because of what I can take or need or give, but because I was born and exist, only that.) That lack is partially responsible for my writing so much here, just need to get it out of me.

Incidently, my friend on the road trip seems to be doing well. Seems to be a really good experience for her. And I was wait-listed for the language program in Finland, which is okay. I found out last night that there might be an opportunity to study (a really intensive class) with an artist/instructor whom I'm ready to learn from, but whom has since moved away. And given the choice between the two, I'd go with the art class (I'm not sure how often the opportunity will arise.)

And on another note, kinda' over all the "secret handshakes" in the art world.  You get invited to something that you can't actually go to because you didn't jump through all the hoops other than replying "yes" to an RSVP, (although I once got random tickets to some big shin-dig and ended up taking a guy I met on the bus to it. I later heard people were upset that they couldn't get in because the house was full. I don't know how I ended up with tickets, but they were in my mailbox, so I went.  A friend of mine's sister got some, too, but we couldn't find a connection as to why.) Or people tell you about how cool these events or workshops or performances are, but when you ask how you can see them, do them, they clam up. Why bring them up in the first place? Maybe you have to be in the "in crowd" first. But should you trust someone who only lets you in when you've become "acceptably cool"? I probably won't entirely. (That's still a chip on my shoulder, apparently.) It was the same thing when I used to do more photography. There was this underlying idea that people who were trying to make a living doing photography were upset because "amatuers" were charging too little for their work, but if you ever asked anyone what the going rate should be, there was a lot of hemming and hawing and no one would tell you. So they shot themselves in the foot. They needed to charge a certain amount to cover expenses, but were losing business to those that didn't, or had no idea of what to charge. Maybe that's changed, I haven't paid attention in a while. It's just really annoying me. (My annoyance is directed in general, and there are plenty of people that don't do this. I've just been running into some that do. And maybe I haven't "paid my dues" lately, but I certainly have in the past...although that should totally be irrelevant, nobody knows what you bring to the table until they know you.  And I had to take a break to do other things, but I want to learn everything I can now. Is that bad? I'm not trying to meet people to get ahead, to kiss their ass. I am paying for the classes, not trying to learn for free. Making a living with art is tough, I respect that. So, if I meet people, if I talk to them, it's because I'm genuinely interested in them as a person, there's no angle. I'm an introvert, never been good at playing any angle, it's hard enough to start a conversation. And back in my previous brush with this world, someone asked if I gave "good massages," as if I couldn't possibly have any other merit (this was doing tech work.)  And there might still be a little chip left on the shoulder from all the sexism as well.)

The area of my nose/forehead that I smacked into the door-jamb last Friday night is killing me today. Maybe I should go get it looked at. (And I can't go home because of  the fumigation.)

Addendum

I love the moment where you connect with art, where everything aligns between the artist(s) and the audience and it gets under your skin and stays with you and transforms you. I hope to someday, at some point be a part of creating a moment like that.

On a related note, I'm excited about this class, it's already beyond what I knew I was looking for.  I'm also incredibly exhausted so: Good night.

It's Thursday and I'm tired

So, I've decided to adopt the elephant, tame it. Find more suitable living quarters for it. It's taking up too much space, pushing me up against the walls, blocking my efforts to move about freely.

In other news, have another class start tonight, will get home around 11. Bartended at a reception last night, got home at midnight, woke up around 5 am. (I have a full-time day job and insomnia.) House is rescheduled for spraying and KEXP (local indy radio) is having a block party tomorrow. Starting at 6 am. Woo-Hoo!

Wednesday

Just for clarification since I was called out on this earlier today, I never said anything about soulmates or destiny or fate. If such things exist, I think free will trumps them. (And that's a lot of pressure to put on someone else.) We all have the right to change our minds. I only said that my heart was open, which it still is. And however that comes about (having an open heart), that's a good thing. I'm not looking for someone to "complete me."  I don't believe you have to have your whole life in order before you can love someone else, though obviously, the more you love yourself already, the better, because then you don't put the burden of your self-worth and identity on someone else. And I don't think you have to be perfect to be happy. And sometimes the most perfect moments are when all your plans completely fall apart. (Okay, maybe that's fate, I don't know.)

Which makes me think of this poem:

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

© Mary Oliver

Wary relationship with elephant

So, I look the elephant in the eye, but then what? Spent so much of my 20's dealing with shit. And I'm definitely functioning better than I did then. Relationships changed for the better, but there are still these lingering things. This one's hard. (The other's were too.) I couldn't stop crying, and it took me a lots of days of writing to figure out where that came from. And I still choke up if I even try to talk about it, which I don't really, I don't think that would help. Yet. I hope the work in this book helps. I haven't gotten to it yet, I'm afraid I'll be disappointed. But knowing what you face is half the battle. Yeah? I was carrying the book in a grocery store earlier tonight and the cashier asked about it and said someone had suggested that she read it. I got it from the library, it's pretty worn out. (And I think I waited a couple of months for it.) I'm not the only one, I know I'm not alone. There are a lucky few who got here unscathed. (Author refers to elephant as a dinosaur.) And I forgave a long, long time ago. And I hold absolutely no ill will. I just want to function. I want to stop sabotaging myself.  To stop underachieving and selling myself short. I want to let myself be "selfish" and to not feel like I need to apologize everytime I stand up for myself (and I can stand up for myself, I just feel bad afterward. Afraid I'll get punished somehow, not sure by whom. Maybe it's a fear that everyone would permanently leave, but in a way, those wouldn't have been healthy relationships if the only way to stay in them was to be willing to be a doormat.) And I'll get there. I wish I were there yesterday. (And yes, in spite of all this, I am still happy most of the time. There is a lot of beauty in the world.)

(I am kinda' an anti-blogger in how much I rewrite and edit.)

Practice

A few weeks ago I started this practice of either writing down or saying (quietly) every morning what I love, there is more to it than that, but it's a nice way to start the day. Anyway, on Sunday, I experienced a whole cluster of those things. I felt like someone or something (in the universe) was winking back at me, if that makes sense. It was pretty magical.

Tuesday morning

There's no shortage of things to hate, enemies to make, people to become a "them" to us. There's also no shortage of choices to choose the higher good, people to learn to understand and love, friends to make, "them" to include, good to find in one another if we choose to look. And really, at the end of your life, are you really gonna lie there and think, "I really wish I had found more enemies in life." "I really wish I could have had more hate in my life, more people to hate?" That then you would feel you could pass on from this life? That your purpose here was complete? So, why do we look for the worst now? Thank you to the people of Boston for opening up your lives to strangers and taking them in. And thank you to all the people that seek out common ground. And thank you to all the people who find reasons to love against the odds of the horrors of their own lives instead of revenge. And for the courage to heal the brokenness that might cause us to hate. And thank you for all those that bring hope, and beauty and understanding and joy and comfort and who make the stranger a little less strange.

Chaos and transformation

The chaos is all from the realization of my own brokenness, and I'm letting everything fall apart now because I'm hitting up against walls in my life and I want to be on the other side of them. I'll figure out what to keep when I get there.

So many people are going through this right now. I initiated the change for myself, but it's a little crazy.

And speaking of chaos, there's no excuse for your hatred to cause the suffering of the innocent. Sending out love to everyone.

Monday-the best reaction is sometimes laughter

Oh, holy cow! I think I understand where the elephant came from. I don't know what to do about it yet, but I get it.

Someone is definitely listening. Definitely has a sense of humor.  Laughing is good.

Sunday

Not raining. Yet. Should make another attempt at the lawn before it grows to knee heigth.  And I do realize after all I've said previously, it's a bit hypocritical (of me) to assume everyone else has survived to this point of life unbroken. I just started a new book to try to learn why I get in my own way and how to stop doing that.

Well, it hailed then the sun came out, so at least the lawn looks good (because I mowed it), and I found my new debit card. Yea! Now I can pay my tuition. (And my credit card sent me an anniversary note...but no coupon?)

Ah, somebody in heaven has a sense of humor. I guess that should have been "Ha!" It was a really nice date (with someone else.)

Letting go of delusions

Decided to totally give up on my delusional ideas that love interest is actually interested in me. Never has anything to say to me now. Ever. Ever. And yes, I have tried to converse with him. (Well, okay I asked him a question, but he ignored it. It was a simple question.) (As a therapist I once saw briefly said about someone else, "he's not into you.") He briefly seemed like he might be, but that was a while ago.  So now of course the question is, why do I keep falling for people who can't love me back? (And fall so, so hard.) Kinda' a backass way to try to have a healthy relationship, no?

Still, I think he's a beautiful soul. And I send nothing but love his way. (He's probably dealing with his own shit right now.)

Saturday-unrelated to other post

And you know how at memorial services or obituaries how you hear all these interesting details of someone's life that you never knew? Or people say wonderful things about them? Why don't we share these stories with each other while we're still alive? Why don't we let each other know that we care about each other? I'm certainly not good at this, didn't grow up doing it. I mean sometimes people say things to be polite or because they don't know what else to say. But then sometimes, we tell each other things when we don't think we will see each other again: how much we enjoyed the conversations (although, sometimes you can tell with that one, they talk with you); how much they liked living with you, etc. Yeah, I get it, vulnerability is scary. When you are leaving, you have nothing to lose. But we probably all need to hear that we matter once in a while. And how many people go through life never knowing that?

Saturday

I'm trying to think of something to write a haiku about. Earlier today I saw a girl riding a unicycle up the sidewalk while playing a ukelele (how cool is that?) And then two crows fighting in the middle of the street and a car honked at them. Last night, while sitting in a coffee shop waiting for it to be the time for either a movie or a play to begin (missed the movie, ended up at the play), I remembered years ago, a free, local weekly newspaper that everyone read for the "I saw you's" and personal ads said they were fed up with all the "boys seeking girls" ads that mentioned the following: microbrews, coffee, hiking or being outside, and grunge, or maybe it was just going to indie music shows. They said they would only print them if they wrote their ads as haikus. And people did. Much more interesting. We used to read them all the time (my household), we used to call them up a lot too, to listen to them. (Which, um, is really expensive, or it was.) I dated someone for a few months I met from an ad, not one of the haikus. And I was playing phone tag with someone else, but my household refered to itself by the same name as a half-way house and someone had mentioned that name on our voicemail message, and so I think he freaked out and cancelled at the last minute.  It's kinda' funny. In the spectrum of co-op to straight rooming house, that house definitely leaned toward the co-op. Great landlord, who gave us a lot of autonomy, only raised the rent once-a-year, and fixed things immediately. I lived there for 11 years before deciding I should live somewhere else. Best place I have lived thus far.  I'm rambling again, trying to decide if I should try to mow or not. Grass is tall and damp. Lawnmower is electric. Thunderstorm forecast. (I guess that would be a haiku.)

More on that

Which I guess is true of life in general, but there's a certain added pressure to open up, to grow, when you're accountable to each other in a performance group situation.  At some point, you have to be real, and because everyone mostly agrees to that, it's a safe place to do it.

Personally, I've been becoming better acquainted with the really large elephant that showed up for me in voice class. 'Bout time, I suppose. It follows me around now, but at least I can see it, learn to understand what it wants, where it came from.  Trying to keep an eye on it, so it doesn't surprise, have me cry on strangers. I haven't a clue how to get to the bottom of it, but I'm working with what I got. Daily. (And it's not horrible, just a reaction I have that I don't understand. Not the raving lunatic one, I understand that one.)

Here's another Aztec Camera song: Mattress of Wire

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbPd4UoVAcU

Speaking of wordy, I feel like I am in the midst of so much chaos.  Sometimes I feel like giving up and going back to the way things were, but 1) it wouldn't be possible anyway, and 2) while it was the devil I knew, it wasn't really working for me.

Afternoon

You know it's funny, acting and voice instructors often say to not use the class as therapy, and I agree with that, but it's amazing how much stuff comes up. You deal with it (maybe outside of class) and you work through it. Off to look at art somewhere.

Later. The thing is you have to let yourself be vulnerable in order to connect and when you do that, all those parts of you that were hiding behind those walls come out.

Thursday

Well, maybe that's a bit high, perhaps more like 75-80 percent of the time. Need to go write Finnish somewhere now, it's just after 6 am, there should be a coffee shop open. I rarely get any homework done if I'm home, far too distracted. The house is being sprayed for ants (again) tomorrow, which means I should move all my food and seal off my cabinets. We have to be out of the house until at least 5 pm. I wish they would let us know if and where they sprayed, that stuff is nasty. I have a (healthy) fear of being poisoned.  A couple of us have been putting diatomaceous earth around, so, need to clean that up as well tonight.  (Neither of us like doing it, but we'd rather get the ants out that way then have our living space sprayed with poison, the ants are gonna be killed either way. I wish they just wouldn't come in, then we wouldn't have to kill them.)

Really need to be studying more. A few of my short-term goals are to: 1) speak Finnish more; 2) find a group to practice theatre stuff w/regularly; and 3) find an incubator group to meet with regularly to spark creative projects (possible 2 and 3 could be one and the same.) Oh, and to let myself love someone that loves me back.

Wordy kinda day

In spite of how it might seem to the contrary, I would say that I am happy most of the time, like 85-90 percent.  I'm just going through a type of growth spurt at the moment and have a lot of stuff suddenly emerging to face up to. (And I don't necessarily equate anxiety with unhappiness. There's usually something good happening at the same time.)

Attempt at brevity

from shadows emerge
the opposite of darkness
she drinks at the shore

Been trying to write this for years now. Still not where I want it to be. It's about an albino doe. It was night when I saw her.

Wednesday

Well, happily the anxiety built up in my head was greater than what the reality warranted, anxiety being the product of lack of communication from my doctor. Everyone was extraordinarily nice (and informative.) And a friend had calmed me down before I left work earlier in the day.

Afterward I went to this monthly mixer event and then to the Daniil Trifonov piano concert. I didn't know I was a fan of piano music, but he was spellbinding.

After writing yesterday's post, I received an email from a friend where she mentioned how liberating it had been for her to go to an all-women spa and be naked with women of all shapes and sizes. A bit of synchronicity.

When I was younger, I used to want someone (God, maybe?) to tell me what I should "do with my life." I joked with someone once that I wanted to see it writen in large letters in the sky. And I feel like I've wandered around my life lost, looking for a purpose externally. Thinking about what I could do that was "worthy" to add to the world. Maybe I should be a teacher or a doctor or a field scientist or a nutritionist...and they are all worthy, but they were also all "shoulds" as opposed to "wants," and how long can we sustain a life build on "shoulds?" And I've often felt panic over this "lack of solid career goals." Graduating from college is the only societal hoop I've ever jumped through.  At some point, maybe 10 years ago, can't remember, I decided I would find one thing I wanted, and let myself want that, and let myself do that thing (I believed at the time that wanting anything for myself was being selfish, and being selfish was wrong.) That thing was joining a choir, and the only reason I joined was because the director at the time invited me, and I've always been grateful to him for it. And I hung onto the purity of the motivation a long time, there were no because or ifs or shoulds attached to it. I wasn't trying to prove anything to myself or anyone else, I wasn't trying to strive or get anything, I just did it because I liked it. And so what I've been thinking about (yesterday) was that what we are meant to do or to be is already inside of us. We can ask for help to look inside, to listen to ourselves, or for help in seeing what our gifts and talents are, but in the end, that's where we find our purpose. I know that this idea is in books and seminars and classes and therapy already, but it wasn't always real to me. I didn't value what I had to offer the world, but I'm working on it. I thought that because I didn't have money, or influence, hadn't build a career, or wasn't some amazing prodigy, or hadn't found the thing I wanted to work hard at (I'm capable of this if I want to do it) that I didn't have anything to offer the world. And what I'm coming to realize is that the world needs all of our gifts, needs them now. That none are of anymore value than any other, regardless of what I hear externally of what is of value. The gifts of others that transformed my life were not grand gestures, so why judge myself so harshly? And I know this idea has been spoken of for hundreds of years, and plenty of people already know this, but it's not real until it's real to you, and suddenly this idea has begun to be real for me.

Tyranny of Perfection

I woke up thinking about how I am often unable to act, to make a decision based on the idea that I'll do the wrong thing. That somehow there is a "right" way or choice and if I make the "wrong" one the whole world will collapse. It's a bit over-stated, but the general idea is there, and so I am paralyzed into inaction.  It actually came up in both acting classes last quarter that it was okay to be "bad" to make strange sounds, to not have to be some conventional idea of "beautiful." That there are a multitude of ideas or sounds or ways of beauty, not just one pounded into us over and over again through society or media. That whatever it is you or I do or are/am, might be the most beautiful to someone, even if not by any societal standard. That it's okay to "over emote" because you have to know what's possible in the big picture before you can come back down to subtlety. It's society and it's school and it's upbringing and insecurity of others and peer pressure. We are told there is a right answer, a right look, a right way and a lot of us get stuck there. There are rebels, but then a lot of them get stuck in how to be the "right" rebel-you're not punk enough, you're not anti-establishment enough, you sold out, you can't wear that, buy that, like that, etc. and still be "authentic" (as if authenticity were something you could buy off of the shelf.) There is only one solution to the problem, and I have it and you need to repeat it back to me and if you do it right, you will get a good test grade. Eventually, it's just a prison.

I find the pictures of "stars without make-up" to be really liberating for me. They look like everyone else, and then maybe I'm beautiful, too. And I went to this dance performance where the dancers were mostly naked, super-athletic, intense. The performance was riveting, but when asked what I thought of it later, the one thing that stuck with me is that the women had cellulite on their legs, and these are people who work out all the time. And that knowledge was such an eye-opening, body liberating moment for me. It's just that normal human "imperfections" (I cringe a bit to use that, it implies that there is a "perfect" which I'm trying to move away from) are "corrected" in the images that we are bombarded with, and there is such an obsession with weight and judgementalness about it, as if your brain and your love and your talent and your kindness and your strength didn't matter at all if you didn't first have "the perfect body." It's sick. Maybe we're all "perfect" already.  Or maybe there is no "perfect" and we can all let go of that idea and do things differently and find a place to let everything fall apart so we can put it back together in a new way.

Anxiety

Breathe. Be kind. Especially to yourself.

stop already!

There is a certain futility in aiming for the attention of someone determined not to give it to you. (I think I have to include my landlord here, been trying to get leaking sink fixed for a year.) Back to piles of mindless work. Will not let anxiety get the best of me. Will not cry on my co-workers. (More medical crap.) Will not let zombies (or was that a human?) walk unimpeded through the building with nerf-gun drawn.  Suddenly feel the urge to go home and blast Hüsker Dü on the stereo.

Here's a haiku (a work in progress, good practice) inspired by a bunch of gulls conversing:

on cold wet green grass
strange congregation of birds
gather, squawk in turn.

Sunday

Trying not to talk about what's mostly on my mind, but the words surrounding that space are so few. I'm being serenaded to the day by bird song and rain, and tires on wet pavement. I don't know what this bird is, one long note quickly followed by three short ones...oh and now the geese are calling too. I'm not singing for now, so I'm not late for rehearsal. I had to make a decision with a conflicting class, and chose the class, it conflicts with rehearsals every quarter.  I can't do anything about this now...let go, let go, let go.

Cleaning. Cooking. Studying. Friends.

And on a different note, how much of ourselves can we lose and still feel whole? What parts of us do we need for our own identity? (And the parsley's growing like gangbusters...what to do with it?)

I am trying to be better at staying in contact. I don't know what to say so I don't call or write and the time passes and it seems like I've waited too long, not that I don't care, I do care. I'm just super-introverted and it's a struggle.

Very wet Saturday

Just made it home in between deluges. Started to dump rain again as I walked up the stairs into the house.  It was sunny, but cold, when I left. Went to the library to see if a book of plays had come in, but it hadn't, yet. I want to understand better a play I saw recently, thought it would help to read it, didn't entirely get why one of the character's speaking style changed mid-play, was wondering about the choice of that, or if it was written into the script. Also, curious if there was a symbolic meaning to it all. And then went to credit union to see if my tax return had deposited yet, nope. I need to be a bit more organized, I received a new debit card recently, but for the life of me, I can't find it now.

Ran into former housemates at the farmer's market just before the rain began. I was stopping to buy an empanada and nettles. Ducked into a church when the rain started and scrubbed down some walls. I had said I would earlier. Trying to follow through with things I'm capable of doing. People always try to get me to make phone calls as an easy thing to do, except for me, I'd rather have a camera shoved up my nose again then cold call people. I will put it off until I can't anymore. So, if you're reading this and I was supposed to call you, I'm sorry. It's totally me, not you. At any rate, I smell like ammonia now, from cleaning, so am off to wash my hair and another load of laundry.

Friday, early

It's 5:55 am. The rain was pounding against the window earlier, I should turn on the light, trying to type in the dark. I've been feeling a little blank lately, not down, just not much to say, yet I try to keep the writing practice, both here and on paper.

Here's a poem (well, I think it's actually part of a much longer poem) by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. (I think it's from Aurora Leigh, but I can't remember.):

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
And only [she] who sees, takes off [her] shoe;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Now that's it's spring the whole earth has errupted in leaf, and flower and song and life.
Hyvää perjantaina! (Happy Friday.)

The rain had stopped by the time I left, and I did walk.  The cherry trees have now dropped most of their petals with help from the wind. The ground is covered in them, looking like the scene after a blow-out party or parade. The petals swirl in the eddies of the wind like pink snowflakes, pile up in drifts like dirty snow. The bricks are slippery. The party has passed.  Crap, sometimes I am an emotional moron. (And I mean that in the most affectionate way.) I suppose that really was a date. (Sometimes hard to tell when both people are vague and non-committal about the whole thing.)

Evening

and I have to admit, with all my talk of singing, I sing because I love to sing. I'm not a great singer, though I'm getting better. In the one choir, I'm probably the weakest singer, but I add to the overall volume and I can carry a tune, generally stay on pitch and can hit some fairly high notes, but I'm not doing any solos. The other choir, I do get to do them if I want to, and again, the voice lessons helped tremendously. I have more control over volume, more volume in general, and, hello, I can sing vibrato, I just never did before. (And I kinda' like singing without it.)

I was thinking about Roger Ebert earlier. He was a good man, in the best sense of that word. There was this quote that the news used about him earlier, from his memoirs:

“‘Kindness covers all of my political beliefs,” he wrote, at the end of his memoirs. “No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”

I think he nailed it. Boa noite.

Back to zero

to an even keel, the place music I like takes me (always.) I've thrown the idea of "back to zero" around for a while, and tonight I decided it meant being present, so not worrying about anything, or thinking about anything except where I am right now.  And the Billy Bragg show was awesome.  He's funny, a great musician, and he gives a damn. And with both he and  the opening act, especially the opening act, who was a solo act, I thought about the need to sing. The drive to make music, the compulsion of having to sing. That it doesn't even matter what your voice sounds like (and his voice is fine) but more the need to communicate something in song. It's so beautiful. And the other reason I feel at zero, is that if I can love one person, I can also love someone else (I might not want to, but it can be done.) And now as it's late and I'm inexplicably super cold, I'm going to bed...no late night ramblings.

Morning

It smells so clean outside. The air thick with clouds, golden-white light from the sunrise breaking through, and now the sun. The air near the entryway insists on smelling like roses even though there aren't any there. I'm thinking about the rambling post, might put it back up.  It's something I think about quite a bit but because I wrote it in the middle of the night, it got a bit convoluted. Also, I've (obviously) been unfiltered since no one had been reading this.

Here's another older Billy Bragg song, from Workers Playtime, She's Got a New Spell:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w39CusifulI

Life is change

Just found out last night that this is the last month with our choir director. She's moving. Sad, but I feel blessed to have been able to have sung with her these past few years. It made me a better singer. It made the choir better, the recordings that were done in Finland on the camera were excellent.  And she challenged us with more interesting music and to get out of the box of what the choir would normally sing.

There are signs now near the cherry trees asking people not to climb them, but the writing is small, and people aren't reading them, so are still climbing the trees.

Back to it

After two weeks, with maybe too much free time on my hands, back into the craziness of school and work and everything else. And between the video we have to write a script for, film, edit, etc for Finnish and the outside rehearsals for the theatre class, I'll probably be busier than I was last quarter. And that's a good thing, I need to occupy my mind. My emotions are starting to overwhelm me, and though positive in general, still, too much.  My problem being that I'm an emotional non-eater, and it doesn't matter if they are "positive" or "negative" emotions, I can't eat. That would be the only time I can't eat.  The thing is, I woke up this morning happy and at peace with unrequited love, I don't know why. I suppose I can use it as fuel for writing or character development, why not?  I guess I like the feeling of that much love toward someone, even if it's not returned. I like that my heart is open enough for it.  When I look at him, I'm overwhelmed with it.  (It would be nice to feel that for someone who actually liked me back, but, it's a start I guess.)

Just received a wild email from a friend I now realize I haven't seen in a while, somewhere off the grid, in a car, not here, and all I can do is send her good thoughts and angels for protection. And if anyone reading this is the sorta' person that prays, please pray for her protection and hope, you don't need to know her name, just ask for help for my friend. Thanks.

Time for rehearsal. I realize I sound delusional, maybe it's the lack of sleep and calories. But there it is.