Only eight more hours now

What have I learned? Have I changed? I still feel I don't allow myself the moment of failure, which could become an event, or, perhaps I don't stay with it long enough. There is this part of me (my logical brain, maybe) that wants to do what I was asked to do. That wants to finish the task. And really some part of me knows that the task is only the means for entering into the clown moment(s), not the end, in and of itself. Yet, that part of me that want to please takes over and I don't let myself fail as fully as I could. It's harder to do than I would have thought, and the moments of failure are completely a gift, which I'm not fully accepting. He also mentioned that if I feel nothing, I should maybe explore that and see if it leads anywhere. I have a fear it would be boring for someone else to watch.

And then there is the issue with my not connecting with the audience, even when I think I am, it is still not registering. And the feeling, again from the audience, that I'm dropping the energy before I exit, when I thought I was exiting with energy. So, I need to take a look at that. If it's not registering, it's not. I need to change something. All they can take is what I'm giving them, and they are not receiving it.

What's better? Well, the change in self-consciousness, definitely. The willingness inside of me to sing, to dance, to do other weird shit without the total paralyzing feeling of judgment. (Basically, to be present without really caring what people think of my "talent." It's not that I don't want them to like me, I do want them to like me, but I'm not waiting to be "perfect" first. I'm willing to share me, as I am, flawed and all, with them.)  Perhaps more authentic?  Also, the continuation (from the bit we did in Movement last winter) of going from the outside to the inside. I want to explore it more. I think there's a healthy aspect to it, but it's a fine line.  And I do like to have an action. I still freeze up without one.

And you know, the whole thing is really fun. I know we have eight hours left, and I could be completely destroyed on Thursday, but as of today, taking this class was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was the right time, right teacher, right place, once again. (This year's been like that.) I don't know if it was Paul or Mahria or Tanya, but whomever put the idea in my head, "Thanks." (That's just sorta' out to the Universe, they won't see this.)