Spent most of the day sick to my stomach for a response to something I said earlier. Felt like I was being shouted angrily at, and essentially, we're on the same side of the issue. Later, person said it wasn't personal, or something to that effect, which I'll accept, but it had still felt like they were ripping me a new asshole, partially, from strength of response, and partially from it being the most they have ever responded to me about anything. I don't want to be like the kid who provokes an adult to get a response because even a negative response is better than none. I've said nice things that went unnoticed. I don't need another angry "parent" figure. I've attempted to avoid that most of my life, so why the hell am I falling into that now? Really need to think about what I say more. Or who I say it to.
And it's not really about whomever the other person happens to be, it's more that it triggers in me cowering, like a dog expecting at any minute to be hit...and sometimes I catch myself walking around that way. Like always being afraid I'm going to get laid-off or have my rent raised beyond what I can afford. Like at those moments, I'm not standing on anything remotely like solid ground. As if the people with the power can change the rules at any time they like without notice. And I forget about it, thinking it's not an issue anymore until something brings it up again. Sigh.
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