Sunday

Both of the choirs are singing again this month. The Finnish choir's event coincides with a long play rehearsal day so I can't go, but I might go to the (singing) rehearsal anyway. I like singing with them, and it's been a few months since we've met. I know we have a meeting coming up about our future (we don't have a director anymore), but I want to sing. I like singing, and I need to use the language.  Everything is mixed up in my head, I try to come up with the transalation for something and I think of a word, but can't remember what language the word is in. The joys of remembering several languages only partially. I can make the other choir's event, that's in a couple of weeks, doesn't conflict with anything.

The pain in my arm is finally calming down. If it was at a 6 or 7 yesterday, it's closer to a 1 now, and that's good, 'cos it's usually worse first thing in the morning. I took the medicine yesterday. I hate having to, it freaks me out, but it does help with the ability to function and my magical thinking does not. Still, I want to heal the underlying physical issues that make it worse, the medicine only manages the symptoms, it's not a cure. One of my massage therapists was telling me about a woman that works with diet, but I keep forgetting her name. It's a fairly radical change. I find for me, those work better if I have someone looking over my shoulder, I'm not good at making major changes on my own. It's why I'm always taking classes, I learn more when I'm accountable to someone else. I don't have a lot of self-discipline. It's also why I write everyday, and make myself meditate, even if it's boring (sorry!). I'm trying to stay in the habit of doing it. If I stop, I'll just keep making excuses of why not I don't need to do it today, or ever.

And I realize it's a two-way street: I need to stop being in the background of my own life; if I want support or attention, I need to mention it. (There will be people who don't need to be reminded of that, but plenty that do, so might as well get used to mentioning it. Yeah, it's hard.) I've seen that switch even with my family, the support surprised me. It wasn't that they didn't want to give it, and only take it from me, it's that they might not have realized I needed it. Funny how that works. And Capricorns are said to come across as self-sufficient when we really need support and attention, and frivolity, I might add. I thought I was being selfish, and yet, they were genuinely happy for me. Proud of me. (And George, clown class, mentioned the need to accept what you've earned, to take it and not deflect it or walk away before accepting it. And you know, when you've lived your life with the belief that, you know I'm not sure how to word this, maybe that your life is to be in service of others, it's hard to let yourself take the attention, 'cos it's not supposed to be about you. It's a weird message.  You know, it has to be about you at some level, or you just burn out.  And I burned out.)