Thursday

I've got the worst headache, have had it all week. Ugh. For the record, the whole situation was provocative. Maybe this person was subconsciously looking for a fight, it was pretty loaded. Even in the initial response there was a lot of venom, and not just to me. And I'm not a victim or feeling sorry for myself, though the whole encounter made me feel ill. Maybe it was hate for someone else, but it all got directed at me, I actually felt physically like I was burning. And my exchanges with this person remind me of those with someone else that I used to be close to but who has a wall around them now (not just to me, to everyone.) And while I've never been close to the person from yesterday, there are dynamics in attempting to relate to both of them that for me that are very similar. Maybe that's why I went into the fray. I'm going to this EFT workshop on Friday (third time's a charm for trying to learn this, I have something to work with this time) maybe I can clear some of this out of me. Break behavioral patterns that don't serve me well. Because even if it wasn't personal, I don't think I should be the acceptable target to release all of your anger and frustration at the world. I'm not your scapegoat. I'm not an object. I'm a person that liked you. I'm not the enemy.

We only have five more rehearsals before run-thru. Hardly feels like enough time. I really need to work on the physical stuff (and there's a lot), and the two pages of overlapping dialogue which we need to get the timing down on. There's a lot of work. Incidently, the kissing was no big deal, and believable...so, that's something. Now for everything else.