Hitting my wall

We spent a fair amount of time debriefing after partner exercises, the third of which had me on the edge of uncontrollable sobbing, and I'm not sure why. Right at the surface, boom! I was blindsided by that. My partner was very kind, and I was probably putting too much energy into not going into the sobbing fit...hard to recover from those. I can almost bring it back now if I think about that. They were happy memories. Related to one of the elephants, would help me understand a lot of my life now, if I could figure out where all that pain was coming from. Right under the surface and I didn't know it was there. I didn't shut down on her or try to hide the crying from her; I hid a little in trying to back away from the sobbing, but I stayed with her (my partner) for the most part. So much distance from someone who was the closest person to me once, with no real good reason for it. We might as well live on different planets, on opposite sides of the universe. I block it out most of the time, I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to break through. I don't know where the distance came from. The signals break up in the ether and disperse, never reaching their intended destination.

How quickly it changes day to day, now officially afraid of the chair exercises: they just got personal, no more repetition for repetition's sake; repetition, but reacting like a real person and not a polite student. Finding it hard to make that transition, finding it hard not to dull the edges...that's what I've always done. That's how I've survived....but I have to unlearn it for here, let the words cut if they do and react to that and then shake it off later. Characters say the things we wish we could, but won't (and probably really shouldn't) in real life. But in the writing, the writer's give us permission to do it on the stage, both for us, and by extension, for the audience. Eight-and-a-half more months. Officially hitting my wall again and again and again (well the one I'm aware of at any rate.)