Self-kindness

It wasn't far enough. I understand the playing out the fantasy, but it's not easy to just let yourself do it if you never let yourself do it.  I feel like I need handholding, someone asking me questions to find what I feel passionate enough about to make it real enough. On stage is where you can play this stuff out, you can't do it in real life; you shouldn't do it in real life. I censor my fantasies. I censor my wants. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  I don't know what I care enough about to fight for...I don't let myself anymore. Ugh. And I have to come up with something in five days. I did come up with something, but I don't think it's good enough, though my circumstance might be. (I don't think it's physical enough.) I don't have the time nor the money to do some of the other things that have crossed my mind...nor the ability to bring a lot of stuff in after work. We did get somewhere though; we connected, got beneath the surface; got real...so all that's useful; the whole thing not specific nor physical enough.  Now we have moved on to new partners.

It's not that I didn't have respect for actors before, it's just a hundredfold greater now.  I knew it wasn't easy.  Art's not easy.  And I don't buy into you have to be depressed or addicted to be a "great" artist, that's bullshit, but I can see how you could be, or if you had tendencies and you didn't take care of yourself, how those things could destroy you.  Artists take on a lot, wear it on the sleeve so the audience doesn't have to.  They provide a release for others, but they have to learn to, to be able to shake it off when they walk off of the stage, whatever that may be.  If you can't, you risk becoming yet another sacrificial lamb for the masses (it's all over the place.) It's okay to be healthy. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to walk away and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Actors are the canvas, you have to respect it (yourself) and treat it (yourself) well.-Peace.