Tuesday

I almost wrote Wednesday.  Losing track of time and this is only the fifth week.  I agreed to stick this out for the duration, but it's a struggle. Already.  And we don't have class tonight, but am meeting with partner, (we got partnered, at least for the upcoming week) we have to meet three times this week (plus with two or three other people.)  We have logistics issues so are meeting 2x tonight and once later in the week. This morning I thought my wall is that I'm really afraid of confrontation and so I don't let things affect me, to the best of my ability (and then of course when it gets to a point where they do, they really do.) It would be healthier to deal with them a little bit at a time rather than let it explode. Obviously, by the time it gets there, it was affecting me and I needed to deal with it, but didn't. What does that look like? I don't like violence, but at times I envy people who can just let it out, get it over with, forgive each other (that would be the big selling point there), shake on it and move on (and still be friends, still love each other, having really let it go and wiped the dust off their feet, so to speak. Not carry the resentment into the future.) I'm not talking about abuse or cruelty, just the airing of things, the ending of simmering resentments and accusations (based on assumptions, built up in our heads to be the worst possible scenario) the really knowing how things stand so you have no need of avoidance or walking on eggshells. The latter is no way to live, curbing yourself to not upset someone else.  Confrontations, have generally ended badly for me, maybe not always, but that's what left an impression.  It would be a great relief if this work could move me beyond that.  It's a huge limitation on life and in theatre, makes the world smaller and smaller, and limits expression until you just disappear.

And on happier thoughts, singing helps mollify the effects of the gloomy weather, and we ended the rehearsal last night on a silly Christmas song, about elves, I think; most of the songs we've been rehearsing have been pretty somber. But singing feels good anyway. The weather report said no break in the gloom down here anytime in the near future. Apparently, it's warmer and sunnier in the mountains...can't see the mountains from here, now.  Maybe I should try to get out of the lowlands and go hiking.

The hummingbird is moving languidly from flower to flower, almost as if it wished to take a breather in between, or enjoying the beauty of the flowers.