Home on Sunday

Class was at 9 am this morning. Still feeling resistance; feeling ungrounded. It's showing up in not letting my partner in, not taking them in, so I more urgently need to find a way to get out of my head more and into my body. It's interesting that the center of gravity affects whether I'm present in my body or only with my mind. I spend a lot of time thinking and relating logically. I need to let my heart and my gut into the action as well. We came up with a charter for the rest of the duration, defining how we will be together, what we bring, what we expect from ourselves and each other. It's liberating to have the parameters; it makes it all safer; defines what's the ground, where are the edges. For me, it makes me feel emotionally freer, still a problem for me, but freer. I don't always know what I'm feeling, but maybe that's because I'm trying to find the words in my head, and they don't live there. Worth a thought.

Earlier this week, someone posted an essay on Facebook about how someone wanted to be lovers with everyone they met without that being a sexually intimate thing. I find that whole idea liberating as well. I'll have to find it again, reread it. The impression it left with me was being really present with everyone you encountered, and getting to know people as well. And then I thought, yeah, not rushing into something because there's some unspoken idea out there that there's a "timeline" and you are "supposed" to jump through some freaking hoop by some arbitrary moment, probably decided by an advice columnist in a men's magazine, and universally adopted across the board. It's your body. It's your emotional life. You should really decide between the two of you what works, instead of having unexpressed expectations. I digress.

Went to a play after class, not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I have the annoying thing going on where someone else's opinion colors my experience in that I wonder if they would like it, and what they think about it, and if I'm some rube for my "uninformed" opinion. This is happening alot, it's irritating me. I want to get the insecure snootiness out of my head, and get back to liking things because I like them, or don't, as the case may be. It's like a giant eye watching me and judging me. Not really happening, I know this, constantly think about it just the same. Really needs to close and shut up already.

Here are the trees I love. 


Beloved Trees/L. Herlevi 2013