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| After 5 pm, January 31/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Greenish Cast, January 31/L Herlevi 2014 |
Friday, January 31, 2014
Daily
The evenings slowly lighten. In rhythm with my footsteps, light after light turns on, alerting me to my own presence.
Location?
There are a lot of places I'd like to visit, maybe stay awhile, but up until at least this point in my life, only two cities where I'd want to live: London, and the one I'm in. They are both holy grail cities for me. London, because of all the music and it just always seemed so cosmopolitan and cool, and Seattle because my heart has always been drawn here, even when I've tried to move to other cities, I've always come back. I think I've written this before, it's the emotionally distant lover that keeps drawing you in. Maybe when I overcome my need for that, I'll want to live somewhere else...hard to imagine it, though.
I've spent not enough time in London. Always in a heat wave. Wandering. Getting lost. Losing myself. I spent two nights near Victoria Station, coming back from Wales; the doorman kissed me on my way out to catch my flight home. (I get kissed a lot by old men when I travel.) I had a strange encounter with a pelican in the park near the palace, I swear it was flirting...strange creatures. Anyway, I would live in other cities, but I want to live in these two. I bring this up because of the fantasy idea in class: what is the extent of the possible? Where does it go when you "dream bigger?" What do you want (when you let yourself want things?) And I settle in my fantasies, they are hardly dreams at all...where can I let that go? London has come up before...London over New York. At least I know something I want:) I'm also fine staying where I am now, just about everyone I love is here.
Bought a Groupon deal for a headshot...it was less than $150 and I need something. I'll have to have someone show me how to do hair and make up, or at least get a haircut. Now to find monologues...will post picture(s) later.
I've spent not enough time in London. Always in a heat wave. Wandering. Getting lost. Losing myself. I spent two nights near Victoria Station, coming back from Wales; the doorman kissed me on my way out to catch my flight home. (I get kissed a lot by old men when I travel.) I had a strange encounter with a pelican in the park near the palace, I swear it was flirting...strange creatures. Anyway, I would live in other cities, but I want to live in these two. I bring this up because of the fantasy idea in class: what is the extent of the possible? Where does it go when you "dream bigger?" What do you want (when you let yourself want things?) And I settle in my fantasies, they are hardly dreams at all...where can I let that go? London has come up before...London over New York. At least I know something I want:) I'm also fine staying where I am now, just about everyone I love is here.
Bought a Groupon deal for a headshot...it was less than $150 and I need something. I'll have to have someone show me how to do hair and make up, or at least get a haircut. Now to find monologues...will post picture(s) later.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Time
Feel like everything is in a holding pattern. As if nothing will ever change. Clearing out files and emptying boxes to get rid of things that are no longer needed, but have weight and guilt attached (the "I really need to deal with that" kind.) Moving things that are blocked energy.
And have also received the gift of time: 1) rehearsal got cancelled tonight which frees up 3 hours for writing, plus exercises for class; 2) got wait-listed for auditions, and there are no prelim auditions in February, so have another month to get this monologue thing together. If I were non-caucasian or singing for the audition I might've gotten bumped up in priority. I do actually hope this means they will cast more asian women in non-stereo-typical roles...I've heard that complaint, I think I agree with it...or hispanic/latino women (think I saw one asian woman cast against type, in a very small role; no latino women at all this past year. The show I did doesn't count, we signed up for it. And I'm talking general casting calls, the big shows, not the specifically ethnic companies, or the smaller companies, who are already diverse and doing great work.) Anyway, I still need strong monologues, there have been a lot of audition notices that I would like to answer, but I need something to present. I also need a head-shot still (working on that.) The show I really want to do has rehearsals that conflict (heavily) with class, so will probably have to pass on it. There will be others.
I should clarify what I meant by the text comment. I don't really like "in" jokes in plays especially if they are so locationally specific...how does that play in St. Louis is five years? I don't think you should have to explain it. It needs to be a pretty broad reference if it's gonna translate to another audience. Perhaps I mean it can be "alienating?" Not sure what word I want. Whether it's meant to be or not, it comes across as exclusive (and I got it, I'm from here.) It's my own personal beef. I've seen it in other workshopped plays, and everyone wanted to keep it in, but no one anywhere else was gonna know what you were talking about, even here in five years...and I think that distracts from the overall play, or it flies over and becomes unnecessary fluff (because it doesn't land with anyone, it doesn't mean anything to another audience. Not advocating for generic, most plays aren't, just not private jokes.) And it annoys me when I do it. I think a play has a need for an economy of words...you have such a short time to tell your story. (And in general, I liked the play. I'd see it again.)
Maybe the delivery was off last night. I don't know: it stuck out, and pulled me out of the story. A print-making instructor I once had made the comment about getting too attached to our work, to an idea, so that you don't let yourself move beyond that. Something something "the precious." Can't remember the exact words. Had to do with being afraid to push your work further beyond what you think is finished. And she always made us take it at least one step past what we thought was final. (It was reductive print-making, you keep cutting away after each run through the press. A permanent kind of editing.) Not saying this playwright is guilty of that here, but we all are at times, I am sometimes, and it reminds me of that.
Revising. Revision. Reimagination. Growth.
And have also received the gift of time: 1) rehearsal got cancelled tonight which frees up 3 hours for writing, plus exercises for class; 2) got wait-listed for auditions, and there are no prelim auditions in February, so have another month to get this monologue thing together. If I were non-caucasian or singing for the audition I might've gotten bumped up in priority. I do actually hope this means they will cast more asian women in non-stereo-typical roles...I've heard that complaint, I think I agree with it...or hispanic/latino women (think I saw one asian woman cast against type, in a very small role; no latino women at all this past year. The show I did doesn't count, we signed up for it. And I'm talking general casting calls, the big shows, not the specifically ethnic companies, or the smaller companies, who are already diverse and doing great work.) Anyway, I still need strong monologues, there have been a lot of audition notices that I would like to answer, but I need something to present. I also need a head-shot still (working on that.) The show I really want to do has rehearsals that conflict (heavily) with class, so will probably have to pass on it. There will be others.
I should clarify what I meant by the text comment. I don't really like "in" jokes in plays especially if they are so locationally specific...how does that play in St. Louis is five years? I don't think you should have to explain it. It needs to be a pretty broad reference if it's gonna translate to another audience. Perhaps I mean it can be "alienating?" Not sure what word I want. Whether it's meant to be or not, it comes across as exclusive (and I got it, I'm from here.) It's my own personal beef. I've seen it in other workshopped plays, and everyone wanted to keep it in, but no one anywhere else was gonna know what you were talking about, even here in five years...and I think that distracts from the overall play, or it flies over and becomes unnecessary fluff (because it doesn't land with anyone, it doesn't mean anything to another audience. Not advocating for generic, most plays aren't, just not private jokes.) And it annoys me when I do it. I think a play has a need for an economy of words...you have such a short time to tell your story. (And in general, I liked the play. I'd see it again.)
Maybe the delivery was off last night. I don't know: it stuck out, and pulled me out of the story. A print-making instructor I once had made the comment about getting too attached to our work, to an idea, so that you don't let yourself move beyond that. Something something "the precious." Can't remember the exact words. Had to do with being afraid to push your work further beyond what you think is finished. And she always made us take it at least one step past what we thought was final. (It was reductive print-making, you keep cutting away after each run through the press. A permanent kind of editing.) Not saying this playwright is guilty of that here, but we all are at times, I am sometimes, and it reminds me of that.
Revising. Revision. Reimagination. Growth.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Obedience experiments
Cannot figure out where this mildew smell is coming from. Pretty strong. I'll probably need to move. Crap. (I don't have time to move. Or the money. Or a car.)
One of the coffee shops I like is closing on Friday. Their lease is up, and they don't have another space, Star Life on the Oasis. Went there to read before going to see a play at the University. Had an avocado/green apple/pineapple/lime smoothie, which was surprisingly good.
The play was a preview of "Reading to Vegetables," written by EM Lewis, and directed by Tina Polzin (second year directing student.) From the director's note in the play program, it's "a play about ethics, responsibility, and the fine line between right and wrong. It exists in a world without regulations where humans can be the rats in an experiment. It asks us to question our own role; to think about the choices we've been making. We talk about moral decisions like there's a clear right and wrong, but they are complex, and I think we need to be continually reminded to actively listen to our decisions and their consequences so that we don't repeat them."
Watching it, I couldn't help but continually think, "This can't happen now. This is so unethical." Since this is the world premiere of this, I'm hoping some of the dialogue gets tweaked. The character Ken Schaefer has a lot of gratuitous dialogue about coffee that feels clunky. And the job interview felt like it needed more dialogue. It felt unexplained and sudden. But I like the concept, and the actors were good overall.
The subject matter was interesting, the idea of going after a goal regardless of the consequences, the act of obedience, and at what point do you take responsibility for what happened. I think I read somewhere that this was based on the Milgram experiment of the 1960's where study participants were being tested on their willingness to obey an authority figure even if that went against their own conscience. The participants gave electric shocks (or believed they did) to someone they couldn't see every time they answered a question wrong, and the shocks increased in intensity the more wrong answers there were. The actual person on the "receiving" end was an actor and would pound on the walls as the shocks increased. There were recorded screams for each shock as well. Even when they tried to question the safety of the receiver, the shockers were told to continue and that they wouldn't be held responsible. Most of them did continue, but were shaken by the experience (of causing harm to someone else.) Although, none went to see the state of the receiver without receiving permission first.
This is a quote from Milgram in 1974: "Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work become patently clear, and they are asked to carry out actions incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority" -Milgram, Stanley (1974). "The Perils of Obedience". Harper's Magazine. Archived from the original on 2011-05-14. Abridged and adapted from Obedience to Authority. (I found this on Wikipedia.)
Amanda Hilson as Beth Mills and Christopher Donoghue as Tom Linkowski stood out for me in this. I think this might be the same cohort of actors I saw in the Tennesee Williams shorts last year. It's a 3-year graduate program, haven't seen any of the other years, I don't think. Runs through Feb 9.
No pictures: rained all day.
One of the coffee shops I like is closing on Friday. Their lease is up, and they don't have another space, Star Life on the Oasis. Went there to read before going to see a play at the University. Had an avocado/green apple/pineapple/lime smoothie, which was surprisingly good.
The play was a preview of "Reading to Vegetables," written by EM Lewis, and directed by Tina Polzin (second year directing student.) From the director's note in the play program, it's "a play about ethics, responsibility, and the fine line between right and wrong. It exists in a world without regulations where humans can be the rats in an experiment. It asks us to question our own role; to think about the choices we've been making. We talk about moral decisions like there's a clear right and wrong, but they are complex, and I think we need to be continually reminded to actively listen to our decisions and their consequences so that we don't repeat them."
Watching it, I couldn't help but continually think, "This can't happen now. This is so unethical." Since this is the world premiere of this, I'm hoping some of the dialogue gets tweaked. The character Ken Schaefer has a lot of gratuitous dialogue about coffee that feels clunky. And the job interview felt like it needed more dialogue. It felt unexplained and sudden. But I like the concept, and the actors were good overall.
The subject matter was interesting, the idea of going after a goal regardless of the consequences, the act of obedience, and at what point do you take responsibility for what happened. I think I read somewhere that this was based on the Milgram experiment of the 1960's where study participants were being tested on their willingness to obey an authority figure even if that went against their own conscience. The participants gave electric shocks (or believed they did) to someone they couldn't see every time they answered a question wrong, and the shocks increased in intensity the more wrong answers there were. The actual person on the "receiving" end was an actor and would pound on the walls as the shocks increased. There were recorded screams for each shock as well. Even when they tried to question the safety of the receiver, the shockers were told to continue and that they wouldn't be held responsible. Most of them did continue, but were shaken by the experience (of causing harm to someone else.) Although, none went to see the state of the receiver without receiving permission first.
This is a quote from Milgram in 1974: "Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work become patently clear, and they are asked to carry out actions incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority" -Milgram, Stanley (1974). "The Perils of Obedience". Harper's Magazine. Archived from the original on 2011-05-14. Abridged and adapted from Obedience to Authority. (I found this on Wikipedia.)
Amanda Hilson as Beth Mills and Christopher Donoghue as Tom Linkowski stood out for me in this. I think this might be the same cohort of actors I saw in the Tennesee Williams shorts last year. It's a 3-year graduate program, haven't seen any of the other years, I don't think. Runs through Feb 9.
No pictures: rained all day.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
After class number 8
It's finally raining, pouring, again. Back to commitment issues: I come up with an idea and then some part of me keeps trying to come up with other possible scenarios, looking to see if there is something better, and it all gets muddled and superficial and I never make it far enough along any path to really have teeth to it. She suggested I give that voice (that tries to make me second guess my choices-my first ones are usually the right ones) a specific task to do and tell it to shut up. (It's fear, perhaps.) And I need to follow impulses, and we needed more detail to relationship, it was also too superficial to work with. At least one more exercise this week. Get another chance to get closer to getting this right. Big step backward tonight. Certainly humbling. (Anyone that tells you acting is easy is lying.)
No picture, but I liked this tribute to Pete Seeger: http://www.komonews.com/news/entertainment/Folk-singer-activist-Pete-Seeger-dies-in-NY-242337361.html
New leaders need to rise up. The power of song. RIP Pete Seeger.
Here is: We Shall Overcome (it's just the music with the lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhnPVP23rzo&list=AL94UKMTqg-9BErVghzNetF_L6bOqQyzjH
No picture, but I liked this tribute to Pete Seeger: http://www.komonews.com/news/entertainment/Folk-singer-activist-Pete-Seeger-dies-in-NY-242337361.html
New leaders need to rise up. The power of song. RIP Pete Seeger.
Here is: We Shall Overcome (it's just the music with the lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhnPVP23rzo&list=AL94UKMTqg-9BErVghzNetF_L6bOqQyzjH
Monday, January 27, 2014
Monday
By morning, fog had enveloped everything. No surgery for now. Hand therapy. (Which I might add, I tried to get 2 years ago, but all that was offered to me at that time was surgery. Maybe there'd be less damage...no way to know.)
I am completely overwhelmed. I know I keep saying that, but there are not enough hours in a day or a month to do everything I said I would. Tunnel vision, just jumping through the hoops as they appear now. Wish I'd bought a tv dinner, I need to eat and am too tired to cook...working my way through a bag of almonds. (Came home, dropped off my stuff, went to rehearsal, just got home again, dealt with the garbage and recycling and now I'm tired.)
Started reading the book "Quiet-The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. It's an interesting read, and I liked her TED Talk on YouTube... I had been thinking maybe I'm a shy extrovert, but on the unscientific introvert quiz, 15/20 were true for me and a couple were "depends on the context." I'm fine in a big group once I know people. And I like crowds, but eventually get overwhelmed, and noise bothers me more the later it gets, exponentially. I might actually be an introvert that's closer to the center than the far end. (For instance, I like performing. And I'll take big risks, but not regularly, and I tend to mull over them a lot beforehand.)
Time to learn more lyrics, just in case I get the exercise soon. And to get solid on why I'm doing my physical task. Got my membership card today. Feel official now:) Met the new choir director, she studies Baltic music, I think. I was asking her about Songfest and if she was going this summer, she is, not the one in Tallin, but the one in Lithuania. I want to go to the one in Tallin and sing "Tuljak" with 40,000 people, maybe next time.
I have a couple of blurry pictures of birds and this (the birds didn't want to be photographed today-a n. flicker, a nuthatch and a bunch of robins):
I am completely overwhelmed. I know I keep saying that, but there are not enough hours in a day or a month to do everything I said I would. Tunnel vision, just jumping through the hoops as they appear now. Wish I'd bought a tv dinner, I need to eat and am too tired to cook...working my way through a bag of almonds. (Came home, dropped off my stuff, went to rehearsal, just got home again, dealt with the garbage and recycling and now I'm tired.)
Started reading the book "Quiet-The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. It's an interesting read, and I liked her TED Talk on YouTube... I had been thinking maybe I'm a shy extrovert, but on the unscientific introvert quiz, 15/20 were true for me and a couple were "depends on the context." I'm fine in a big group once I know people. And I like crowds, but eventually get overwhelmed, and noise bothers me more the later it gets, exponentially. I might actually be an introvert that's closer to the center than the far end. (For instance, I like performing. And I'll take big risks, but not regularly, and I tend to mull over them a lot beforehand.)
Time to learn more lyrics, just in case I get the exercise soon. And to get solid on why I'm doing my physical task. Got my membership card today. Feel official now:) Met the new choir director, she studies Baltic music, I think. I was asking her about Songfest and if she was going this summer, she is, not the one in Tallin, but the one in Lithuania. I want to go to the one in Tallin and sing "Tuljak" with 40,000 people, maybe next time.
I have a couple of blurry pictures of birds and this (the birds didn't want to be photographed today-a n. flicker, a nuthatch and a bunch of robins):
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| Alley Wall, Jan 27/L Herlevi 2014 |
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Oh, shoulda' brought a camera tonight
The fog had already rolled in heavy downtown by the time we got out of class tonight. The lights on the trees reminded me of stars, the lights on the freeway northbound made the sky look like the underside of a circus tent, or a mattress. Then there was a break between the canal and the University, one thick finger of fog reaching up from the water, encroaching like the first rivulet bringing inundation. Slow moving. At home it was clear, hard frost on the ground, sky full of stars, no light pollution.
Someone commented that they appreciated seeing me grow and relaxing into the work more. I guess that's a good thing. (My room suddenly smells sweet like mildew, I'm going to have to open my window and freeze.)
We have a new exercise that we will all have to get through...oh, holy...I was right to be scared. It'll be a good thing if we survive it (and we will.) The point is to break through all the masks (they have to go in order to be available on stage), and I need to break through mine, but you know, that's terrifying. Anyway, that's what the songs are for. Also, somehow it occurred to me tonight that I can actually use the emotional exercises from clown to get into the first emotional state for entering. That was liberating to remember. I can do that, and it doesn't involve beating myself up in the process.
Cheers, I need to get up early.
Someone commented that they appreciated seeing me grow and relaxing into the work more. I guess that's a good thing. (My room suddenly smells sweet like mildew, I'm going to have to open my window and freeze.)
We have a new exercise that we will all have to get through...oh, holy...I was right to be scared. It'll be a good thing if we survive it (and we will.) The point is to break through all the masks (they have to go in order to be available on stage), and I need to break through mine, but you know, that's terrifying. Anyway, that's what the songs are for. Also, somehow it occurred to me tonight that I can actually use the emotional exercises from clown to get into the first emotional state for entering. That was liberating to remember. I can do that, and it doesn't involve beating myself up in the process.
Cheers, I need to get up early.
Afraid
Meisner. Chair work is tortuous. It's harder having taken such a long break from it. I like the value of it, I see and value it's usefulness in connecting with someone else on stage and being able to pick up on what's going on, and I know it makes me a much better actor. But, if you are easily distracted, which I am, it's really hard to do. And I realize doing it is good in helping me to focus, calling my focus back again and again. It's just a really long time to completely focus on someone else, or to have them focus on me. What is seen? It's so intimate.
Today is class seven of twenty four. We are about to go into three classes a week (for three weeks, I think), this scares me. I realize I survived this in clown last summer, and that was intense and I'd sit there with growing dread knowing I'd have to enter the ring at some point...it's easier to go first. Anyway, I feel that way about the two-minute speech tonight, I'd rather get a root canal than give a speech. And this class is scaring me now more than clown. I feel tense in my core just writing that. And I guess my biggest fear is that after surviving these nine months (like gestation) nothing will have changed...that I'm really just a fraud. Maybe it's that fear that keeps my imagination hiding in some dark corner I can't get at. Still, I think perhaps I have changed and it's just all the voices that told me I wasn't good enough trying to drown me out. Time to get my homework done, so I show up with something to share, and those voices don't win today.
Peace.
Today is class seven of twenty four. We are about to go into three classes a week (for three weeks, I think), this scares me. I realize I survived this in clown last summer, and that was intense and I'd sit there with growing dread knowing I'd have to enter the ring at some point...it's easier to go first. Anyway, I feel that way about the two-minute speech tonight, I'd rather get a root canal than give a speech. And this class is scaring me now more than clown. I feel tense in my core just writing that. And I guess my biggest fear is that after surviving these nine months (like gestation) nothing will have changed...that I'm really just a fraud. Maybe it's that fear that keeps my imagination hiding in some dark corner I can't get at. Still, I think perhaps I have changed and it's just all the voices that told me I wasn't good enough trying to drown me out. Time to get my homework done, so I show up with something to share, and those voices don't win today.
Peace.
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| Two Days, Jan 26/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday
Just got home from catering gig, reception for a dance troupe...they were very nice. I was feeling edgy (for the last few hours) eventually had to leave because my bus was gonna stop running soon and I was getting really bossy. Not sure what that was all about. A little stressed about the homework for tomorrow, still not sure what I'm doing my two-minute impassioned speech about. I feel passionate about a lot of things, but when I have to...hitting my very regular wall: emotions/imagination going flat when I need to call on them. Sigh. (Got more songs I'll sing though.)
Went grocery shopping before the catering job, and was telling the cashier I had bought too much and wasn't sure how I was going to carry it home and just as I said that, my boss stopped at the end of the register and offered me a ride home, which I took her up on. I have odd instances of synchronicity.
The first picture is because it seemed to me that the fog made the skyline look taller somehow, and the second was of a house that's decorated for all holidays.
Went grocery shopping before the catering job, and was telling the cashier I had bought too much and wasn't sure how I was going to carry it home and just as I said that, my boss stopped at the end of the register and offered me a ride home, which I took her up on. I have odd instances of synchronicity.
The first picture is because it seemed to me that the fog made the skyline look taller somehow, and the second was of a house that's decorated for all holidays.
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| Skyline, Jan 25/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Heart, Jan 25/L Herlevi 2014 |
Friday, January 24, 2014
Procrastination doesn't help
Well, this is a fine time to go crush-less...not even anyone on tv or a movie or anything. Nada. Well, I guess that leaves me with: rage, revenge, terror, or triumph (I did do triumph last week, but maybe I could go for it more.)
So, I rushed out of work and got to the library just as it was closing and got the book checked out. Skimmed over it on the bus, dilemma: it's from 1993 (one strike), looking over the auditor comments for the last few general auditions there's a fair amount of "not so much sexual, violent, profane, etc." and these scripts are fairly: sexual, violent, profane, etc...there's one that goes black comedy, but my other one goes in that direction, and I'm looking for contrast. I really want something straight up drama, without trying to prove how edgy it can be (it's not really anymore, anyway.) It's a tough call, I'm going on the auditor comments, but I have very little experience auditioning (I have auditioned, but I didn't know what I was doing), and the person who I asked for advice has a lot of experience, and I should listen to her.
Went to go pick up my mail, but didn't get the TPS membership card, yet. I think I'm supposed to get one. Just bought a theatre pass, too, though I don't really have any free time in Feb: we are in class 16 hours a week for most of the month. Still need a head shot. Maybe I'll just shoot it myself. (It's not entirely out of the question, I have a lot of self-portraits from earlier in life when I did more studio work. Need someone to do something with my hair though.)
My ankle is really stiff, hurt to walk earlier (before I stopped for the day.) I don't remember tripping and spraining it. Curious. Epsom salts?
Someone commented to me that she thought facebook was narcissistic...I think about that every time I post now. Totally aware that this is too. Cheers.
It was so blue out, and then the skyline looked so clean and new and shiny as the sunset faded pinks into cobalt into black...full of stars.
So, I rushed out of work and got to the library just as it was closing and got the book checked out. Skimmed over it on the bus, dilemma: it's from 1993 (one strike), looking over the auditor comments for the last few general auditions there's a fair amount of "not so much sexual, violent, profane, etc." and these scripts are fairly: sexual, violent, profane, etc...there's one that goes black comedy, but my other one goes in that direction, and I'm looking for contrast. I really want something straight up drama, without trying to prove how edgy it can be (it's not really anymore, anyway.) It's a tough call, I'm going on the auditor comments, but I have very little experience auditioning (I have auditioned, but I didn't know what I was doing), and the person who I asked for advice has a lot of experience, and I should listen to her.
Went to go pick up my mail, but didn't get the TPS membership card, yet. I think I'm supposed to get one. Just bought a theatre pass, too, though I don't really have any free time in Feb: we are in class 16 hours a week for most of the month. Still need a head shot. Maybe I'll just shoot it myself. (It's not entirely out of the question, I have a lot of self-portraits from earlier in life when I did more studio work. Need someone to do something with my hair though.)
My ankle is really stiff, hurt to walk earlier (before I stopped for the day.) I don't remember tripping and spraining it. Curious. Epsom salts?
Someone commented to me that she thought facebook was narcissistic...I think about that every time I post now. Totally aware that this is too. Cheers.
It was so blue out, and then the skyline looked so clean and new and shiny as the sunset faded pinks into cobalt into black...full of stars.
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| Bridge, Jan 24/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Poplars, Jan 24/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Sunset from the bus, Jan 24/L Herlevi 2014 |
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Start over
As much as I'd like there to be, there really aren't any shortcuts. No secrets tricks. You just have to make yourself do the work.
Missed connections (again.) I waited, then got the message that he didn't know where we were meeting, I thought giving him the address signified the where. Try this again this weekend, we need to do the chair work. Same thing happened last time. I walked to choir. Sky dark, cloudless. A myriad of stars. Beautiful and lonely in the vastness of the universe. Locked out of choir and it was later than I thought. Waited for the bus. Crowded and late. Someone gave me their seat just to do it, I suppose.
The world turns on small acts of kindness.
Part of being alive is being able to start all over again. The only constant is change. Everything changes. We do, too.
(No picture, shot less than I thought.)
Missed connections (again.) I waited, then got the message that he didn't know where we were meeting, I thought giving him the address signified the where. Try this again this weekend, we need to do the chair work. Same thing happened last time. I walked to choir. Sky dark, cloudless. A myriad of stars. Beautiful and lonely in the vastness of the universe. Locked out of choir and it was later than I thought. Waited for the bus. Crowded and late. Someone gave me their seat just to do it, I suppose.
The world turns on small acts of kindness.
Part of being alive is being able to start all over again. The only constant is change. Everything changes. We do, too.
(No picture, shot less than I thought.)
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
January 22
Read "Other Desert Cities" on the bus. Great dialogue. Somewhat unexpected twist, not sure how I feel about it. I get the ending, I get why, but I don't think it's as strong as what came before it. Was waiting in Belltown to see if my library hold would show up on the shelves before closing, but decided I wanted to go home instead of walking back. It was the other monologue source that it was suggested I look through. Guess other people received same advice: all copies now have holds on them. Got a little bit of writing done.
Here's the daily.
Here's the daily.
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| Chapter 1, Jan 22/L Herlevi 2014 |
Also
I realize part of why my task was mundane (and I also didn't deal enough with my partner) was because in the bigger scheme of things, that fact that my place was a disaster didn't matter. It was trivial, the other person it was pinned on was there to see me, not the house. I didn't need to do it because in essence, I had already won that battle: he already liked me for me, there was nothing to prove. And I think in the task I chose I was trying to prove that I deserved him. (It's a liberating idea. At least for me: I don't have to be someone I'm not.) I could've better served the purpose by choosing something that would make him happy, or make me happy rather than the absence of shame. Noted.
My doctor referred me to meet with a hand surgeon. The thought being that if they can remove tissue overgrowth there might be less pain...it pretty much hurts non-stop now. Won't do it until the summer, if I do.
Here is the daily from 1/21/14.
My doctor referred me to meet with a hand surgeon. The thought being that if they can remove tissue overgrowth there might be less pain...it pretty much hurts non-stop now. Won't do it until the summer, if I do.
Here is the daily from 1/21/14.
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| Empty Chairs, Jan 21/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Wall, January 21/L Herlevi 2014 |
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Only Five Days
to pull all of this together: the $100,000,000 assignment (which essentially is written), the list of "Spoon River Anthology" characters we want to do; a two minute oration on something we give a damn about; a new exercise, which includes a very specific assigned relationship + secret, so we'll have to figure out what that is, and do chair work, and he has the physical task, I have the emotional task, "extreme, with an element of truth, just happened or just found out, life altering"...and I guess we don't live together if I have to knock. And always, be ready to sing something.
I was too mundane (again) I don't let myself fantasize, I'm not letting myself dream big. These are supposed to be huge. Like I don't even know what that would be...I guess I believe this is all I get and I should be happy that I have that (I get told this all the effing time! "Well, it could be worse." "You're lucky you have this." "Sounds like a first world problem.") Am I not allowed to want a better life? Are we only here to keep ourselves small? Who does that serve? What is the meaning of life? Is it only to avoid suffering? If no one ever dreams, nothing gets better....why can't I be the one to dream? Are we so fearful that we need to keep knocking each other down until we know our place in the mud; that we learn to censor our thoughts and our dreams in order to keep negative attention away until we cease to dream or believe in a better life? Is the point of art to rise above the mundane? Is the point of life to rise above what is?
And so this again (might be Marianne Williamson, might be Nelson Mandela.)
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others won't feel small around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. That is not just some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. " - Nelson Mandela.
How do we begin to be liberated? How do we begin to dream again? Or at least, how do I?
(Camera batteries are dead, pictures to follow.)
I was too mundane (again) I don't let myself fantasize, I'm not letting myself dream big. These are supposed to be huge. Like I don't even know what that would be...I guess I believe this is all I get and I should be happy that I have that (I get told this all the effing time! "Well, it could be worse." "You're lucky you have this." "Sounds like a first world problem.") Am I not allowed to want a better life? Are we only here to keep ourselves small? Who does that serve? What is the meaning of life? Is it only to avoid suffering? If no one ever dreams, nothing gets better....why can't I be the one to dream? Are we so fearful that we need to keep knocking each other down until we know our place in the mud; that we learn to censor our thoughts and our dreams in order to keep negative attention away until we cease to dream or believe in a better life? Is the point of art to rise above the mundane? Is the point of life to rise above what is?
And so this again (might be Marianne Williamson, might be Nelson Mandela.)
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others won't feel small around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. That is not just some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. " - Nelson Mandela.
How do we begin to be liberated? How do we begin to dream again? Or at least, how do I?
(Camera batteries are dead, pictures to follow.)
Monday, January 20, 2014
Monday in January
Woke up with a horrible headache, dehydration, but I might as well have been drinking. We ran around playing follow the leader last night, and I didn't drink enough after. It went on for a while. By the time I managed to drag myself to the store to get ibuprofen this morning, I had drunk enough water that the headache had mostly subsided. I didn't do anything for MLK Day. Read and cleaned and got rid of more stuff at home. Came across this quote from Kabir (as quoted in John Brierley's A Pilgrim's Guide to the Camino Portugués- Someone asked me about the Camino de Santiago yesterday, so it's been on my mind.) :
Friend, hope for the truth while you are alive,
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death,
If you don't break your ropes while you are alive,
Do you think ghosts will do it after?
The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten-
That is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
You will simply end up with an apartment in the city of death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life
You will have the face of satisfied desire.
So plunge into the truth, find out Who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!
Went for a walk near dusk. Wanted pictures of birch trees. Here are a couple of those.
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| Birch, Jan 20/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Dusk, Jan 20/L Herlevi |
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Singing task
Practicing singing in an upper octave, I have an emotional block, I think. It is my singing range, but when I sing for other people I sing in the lower octave...I guess if I sing in the lower range, I'm not making myself vulnerable for you to judge me. That's the best explanation I can come up with. When I sing with other people, in choral settings, I sing in the upper range...just really emotionally difficult to do it solo. (Obviously, I can physically do it.) It's funny, I keep getting asked to sing second, but we're so short on sopranos in the one choir now, that I switched between first and second today, the other two women both have stronger voices than I do, and so I figured I could support where it was needed when we split. Someone I didn't know stopped me to compliment the overall song/singing. It was "A Prayer for Peace" by Michael John Trotta (based on the St. Francis prayer) in honor of Dr. King. I'm back to singing first again in the folk choir. (Singing second is good for my brain, the parts are harder to find for me.)
Anyway, it went okay. I found some middle range, and my voice was quavery from nerves. Everyone stood in a semi-circle and you went up in front of the group and people cheered you and could sing along if they knew it or in general show support, as long as they didn't drown you out. I think it was for accessing the vulnerability, the openness, it's harder to hide when you are singing. We didn't even get to the $100,000,000 exercise nor to all of the groups, and we still ran late. My emotional task went better than I thought. I did make it specific, although I didn't actually know who it was about until right before I walked in. The emotion was triumph, but only one person came to mind who could share in that in the end, the other people I thought of using would have muddied the waters emotionally, not that you can't play it, but it's harder. Anyway, task was to write to this person in iambic pentameter, 14 lines, a thank you. (Remarkably hard to do when I got right to it.)
No picture. I'll do two tomorrow. It's late, I'm tired and had to take a shower because I ran into the bathroom barefoot during a break as there wasn't enough time to find my shoes.
Oh, and I misunderstood where to look for monologues, so I have to start that process all over again. On the bright side, brainstormed new ideas for acquiring head shots.
Anyway, it went okay. I found some middle range, and my voice was quavery from nerves. Everyone stood in a semi-circle and you went up in front of the group and people cheered you and could sing along if they knew it or in general show support, as long as they didn't drown you out. I think it was for accessing the vulnerability, the openness, it's harder to hide when you are singing. We didn't even get to the $100,000,000 exercise nor to all of the groups, and we still ran late. My emotional task went better than I thought. I did make it specific, although I didn't actually know who it was about until right before I walked in. The emotion was triumph, but only one person came to mind who could share in that in the end, the other people I thought of using would have muddied the waters emotionally, not that you can't play it, but it's harder. Anyway, task was to write to this person in iambic pentameter, 14 lines, a thank you. (Remarkably hard to do when I got right to it.)
No picture. I'll do two tomorrow. It's late, I'm tired and had to take a shower because I ran into the bathroom barefoot during a break as there wasn't enough time to find my shoes.
Oh, and I misunderstood where to look for monologues, so I have to start that process all over again. On the bright side, brainstormed new ideas for acquiring head shots.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
No show for me
Got up in the middle of the night and watched the Japanese movie "Departures." Totally wide awake now. It's about a cellist in Tokyo who moves back to his hometown after his orchestra disbands. He answers a job for "departures" thinking it's related to travel, but ends up preparing the deceased for "departing." A lovely, gentle film...a three-hanky experience, but perfect. Ranks up there with "Ice Fever" (an Icelandic film about a Japanese man, also dealing with death ritual) as one of my favorite films. I usually fall asleep when I watch films on my computer, but this was quiet and engaging, completely awake. (It's 5:30 am. It's due back at the library today.)
Now I guess I'm not going to 14/48 tonight either (disappointed, I really want to go), my scene partner doesn't want to go because it runs pretty late (I only had a late night 2/1 comp left), which is true, if I take the bus, I'll get home after 1 am. We need to do chair work. I started writing on both the things for tomorrow (prep work for my emotional task, and general ideas of what I'd do if I suddenly had $100 million. It's not "juicy" enough, but it's a start.) Now, I'm trying to find a song to sing that "makes me alive." Music pretty much always makes me alive, and my best exercises involved music in some form or another, but...now that I have to do it, it's sent my emotional response into "rebellion" mode. Sigh. Most of my Finnish music is at work because I left suddenly, and I was thinking of using something from that, but I need to memorize it...I need to look up the structure of a sonnet as well. Probably will end up singing part of the Kermit the Frog song or Finlandia...I know I have that buried here somewhere, I sang it recently.
Meant to go out again, but I didn't. So, here's my daily picture. Coffee foam heart.
Now I guess I'm not going to 14/48 tonight either (disappointed, I really want to go), my scene partner doesn't want to go because it runs pretty late (I only had a late night 2/1 comp left), which is true, if I take the bus, I'll get home after 1 am. We need to do chair work. I started writing on both the things for tomorrow (prep work for my emotional task, and general ideas of what I'd do if I suddenly had $100 million. It's not "juicy" enough, but it's a start.) Now, I'm trying to find a song to sing that "makes me alive." Music pretty much always makes me alive, and my best exercises involved music in some form or another, but...now that I have to do it, it's sent my emotional response into "rebellion" mode. Sigh. Most of my Finnish music is at work because I left suddenly, and I was thinking of using something from that, but I need to memorize it...I need to look up the structure of a sonnet as well. Probably will end up singing part of the Kermit the Frog song or Finlandia...I know I have that buried here somewhere, I sang it recently.
Meant to go out again, but I didn't. So, here's my daily picture. Coffee foam heart.
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| Coffee-foam Heart, Jan 18/L Herlevi 2014 |
Friday, January 17, 2014
Friday, extra long weekend.
I'm home. I was given the option of leaving for the day, so I took it. I have a lot I need to get done, and I have been uneasy, hopefully, it all amounts to nothing.
Half-way through the second "Angels," stopped by a different bookstore on my way home and found a few other of the scripts it was suggested that I read, the only one that interested me was "Other Desert Cities" by Jon Robin Baitz, the others I could find just didn't catch me. I suppose if I had a lot of time I could find a way to like them, but I don't. If I'm gonna choose a monologue, I want to be excited about the play. I probably won't use "Other Desert Cities," it was recently performed in town and I don't think I want to be compared to that in an audition. I just want to read it.
Found the little piece of my camera strap that fell off. Still didn't take any pictures, but I fixed it. Caught up on housework. Watched the last part of "Pretty in Pink" and the first of "Sixteen Candles." Stopped watching because I have a lot of writing to do between now and Sunday. And a couple more plays to read. This is my favorite picture of the month so far. It's from January 3. Reading time.
Half-way through the second "Angels," stopped by a different bookstore on my way home and found a few other of the scripts it was suggested that I read, the only one that interested me was "Other Desert Cities" by Jon Robin Baitz, the others I could find just didn't catch me. I suppose if I had a lot of time I could find a way to like them, but I don't. If I'm gonna choose a monologue, I want to be excited about the play. I probably won't use "Other Desert Cities," it was recently performed in town and I don't think I want to be compared to that in an audition. I just want to read it.
Found the little piece of my camera strap that fell off. Still didn't take any pictures, but I fixed it. Caught up on housework. Watched the last part of "Pretty in Pink" and the first of "Sixteen Candles." Stopped watching because I have a lot of writing to do between now and Sunday. And a couple more plays to read. This is my favorite picture of the month so far. It's from January 3. Reading time.
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| Quiet, Jan 3/L Herlevi 2014 |
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Thursday-not enough hours to do everything
Spent lunch reading the Part 1 of "Angels in America" by Tony Kushner...powerful, beautiful, horrifically sad. (I've read it before, and seen Part 2.) Publicly trying not to sob into my lunch while unsuccessfully stabbing at my pasta with a fork whose inner tines had melted outward in such a way as to make the fork unusable...at least let it be known: they dissolve. Not really accomplishing either task. No picture yet, either.
I don't know if I can use anything from this...it's so good, though. In some ways, it's my chance to play these parts, since I'm probably too old to be cast in them (Catherine in "Proof," Harper in "Angels.") I've heard that men will sometimes play a female for a monologue, and I've read that if you can own it, to go ahead and do it. And again, both of these contrast with the other play I'm using. (I'll try to read more, but have all the class work to do on top of this.)
Now onto Part II...or Albee. Feel like I'm working two full-time jobs (my day job and Meisner), and three part-time jobs (volunteering-just been a lot over the past week, getting ready for auditions, and singing.) Anyway, something's gotta' give: I'm exhausted, and need to sleep and eat and barely have time to get anything done well, or even enough. Just got back from a forum on directing, not essential that I go, but wanted the point of view of a director on a show (as an actor.) Also, will probably have to go to grad school (if I can go) for directing, I'm gonna look around, but apparently, there is a fair amount of ageism (unspoken, unadmitted) based on most great roles are written for younger women. (To which I say, we should start writing plays with good roles for older women in them.) It is what it is, and I am who I am...will have to find a way to make it work given those circumstances.
No picture today. The camera strap broke and I needed to read scripts, so that got my free time. Ciao.
I don't know if I can use anything from this...it's so good, though. In some ways, it's my chance to play these parts, since I'm probably too old to be cast in them (Catherine in "Proof," Harper in "Angels.") I've heard that men will sometimes play a female for a monologue, and I've read that if you can own it, to go ahead and do it. And again, both of these contrast with the other play I'm using. (I'll try to read more, but have all the class work to do on top of this.)
Now onto Part II...or Albee. Feel like I'm working two full-time jobs (my day job and Meisner), and three part-time jobs (volunteering-just been a lot over the past week, getting ready for auditions, and singing.) Anyway, something's gotta' give: I'm exhausted, and need to sleep and eat and barely have time to get anything done well, or even enough. Just got back from a forum on directing, not essential that I go, but wanted the point of view of a director on a show (as an actor.) Also, will probably have to go to grad school (if I can go) for directing, I'm gonna look around, but apparently, there is a fair amount of ageism (unspoken, unadmitted) based on most great roles are written for younger women. (To which I say, we should start writing plays with good roles for older women in them.) It is what it is, and I am who I am...will have to find a way to make it work given those circumstances.
No picture today. The camera strap broke and I needed to read scripts, so that got my free time. Ciao.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Another late-ish night
Just got home from a catering gig. She let me leave early to catch a bus since there was a long wait for the sink (to wash dishes.)
Tromped around in the muck in my dress during lunch. Boots quite muddy. No crow party today. Did encounter a hawk, though, and there were turtles out. It was warm, around 50 degrees.
Walking back, I realized that a consequence of this past year has been that I value my strengths more than I did before, especially practicality, empathy and loyalty: they are not shiny, sexy traits, and I'm not super sunny, but they are what I've got, so I'm appreciating them more. (And expressing them more...i.e., I'll honestly feel your pain, and then I'll ask you to do something about it...not taking it on anymore. I can't, you need to carry some weight, and I need to take care of me. I neglected that before because I was carrying everyone else. I'm not leaving, just no longer doing everything and making myself sick.)
I thought I'd shot more pictures than I actually did. I was trying to get the camera out as the bus pulled up because someone was power-washing the sidewalk and the rising mist looked cool, but not fast enough. Needed to get home. Finished "Proof," now for two more. There's some good words in there.
Tromped around in the muck in my dress during lunch. Boots quite muddy. No crow party today. Did encounter a hawk, though, and there were turtles out. It was warm, around 50 degrees.
Walking back, I realized that a consequence of this past year has been that I value my strengths more than I did before, especially practicality, empathy and loyalty: they are not shiny, sexy traits, and I'm not super sunny, but they are what I've got, so I'm appreciating them more. (And expressing them more...i.e., I'll honestly feel your pain, and then I'll ask you to do something about it...not taking it on anymore. I can't, you need to carry some weight, and I need to take care of me. I neglected that before because I was carrying everyone else. I'm not leaving, just no longer doing everything and making myself sick.)
I thought I'd shot more pictures than I actually did. I was trying to get the camera out as the bus pulled up because someone was power-washing the sidewalk and the rising mist looked cool, but not fast enough. Needed to get home. Finished "Proof," now for two more. There's some good words in there.
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| Aluminum, Jan 15/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Another Tree, Jan 15/L Herlevi 2014 |
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Yikes
Trying to come up with a happy circumstance for class tonight. Need to daydream.
And speaking of commitment problems, someone I think is lovely from afar, just blew a kiss at me when he left the building, not sure what to do with that. Not sure if it was appropriate (in the setting.) It's easier to want someone when they aren't paying attention to you...somehow scares the crap out of me when they suddenly do, especially that strongly, out of the blue. From nothing to 100...slow down! And then I close up to figure out how I feel, and then they back away, since it seems like I don't care. I sound like a teenager. (Or a Sting song.)
Applied for the auditions. Don't know when I'll hear back. There is a headshot discount $150 for 25-minute shoot, less than $280, but don't know where I'm going to dig up $150. It has to be paid in advance, but maybe I can split the payments.
I bought this bird-of-the-day calendar on sale, and the bird today is a dusky flycatcher, and this bird just started hopping around on my window ledge, that might actually be the bird in question. Super amused by this: the calendar is standing up in front of the window...the whole incident, very cute. (Yesterday was a roseate spoonbill...no similar luck. Tomorrow is a macaw.) I don't think I've ever seen that particular bird on my windowsill before.
Did not go far enough in emotional preparation for task tonight. I "went with a capillary instead of a vein." I didn't know how much we were supposed to carry it out beforehand. Note taken. This might be one of my roadblocks, and if it is, it's fixable. I can do more preparation. Anyway, I'll probably do something similar on Sunday (she also suggested we try terror or justice), I have the emotional task, my partner has the physical one, then we switch on Tuesday. Also have the song to perform, and the 100 million dollar assignment. Busy night. And we need to get in chair work with our partners. Think this means that I will not go to the 14/48 on Friday. I'm using a 2/1 comp with my scene partner on Saturday. Holy moly!
No pictures today. Nada. I'm dirty (studio floor), tired, sore (massage-really did a number on my upper back, food intolerance, physical work) and my eye's irritated. Goodnight.
And speaking of commitment problems, someone I think is lovely from afar, just blew a kiss at me when he left the building, not sure what to do with that. Not sure if it was appropriate (in the setting.) It's easier to want someone when they aren't paying attention to you...somehow scares the crap out of me when they suddenly do, especially that strongly, out of the blue. From nothing to 100...slow down! And then I close up to figure out how I feel, and then they back away, since it seems like I don't care. I sound like a teenager. (Or a Sting song.)
Applied for the auditions. Don't know when I'll hear back. There is a headshot discount $150 for 25-minute shoot, less than $280, but don't know where I'm going to dig up $150. It has to be paid in advance, but maybe I can split the payments.
I bought this bird-of-the-day calendar on sale, and the bird today is a dusky flycatcher, and this bird just started hopping around on my window ledge, that might actually be the bird in question. Super amused by this: the calendar is standing up in front of the window...the whole incident, very cute. (Yesterday was a roseate spoonbill...no similar luck. Tomorrow is a macaw.) I don't think I've ever seen that particular bird on my windowsill before.
Did not go far enough in emotional preparation for task tonight. I "went with a capillary instead of a vein." I didn't know how much we were supposed to carry it out beforehand. Note taken. This might be one of my roadblocks, and if it is, it's fixable. I can do more preparation. Anyway, I'll probably do something similar on Sunday (she also suggested we try terror or justice), I have the emotional task, my partner has the physical one, then we switch on Tuesday. Also have the song to perform, and the 100 million dollar assignment. Busy night. And we need to get in chair work with our partners. Think this means that I will not go to the 14/48 on Friday. I'm using a 2/1 comp with my scene partner on Saturday. Holy moly!
No pictures today. Nada. I'm dirty (studio floor), tired, sore (massage-really did a number on my upper back, food intolerance, physical work) and my eye's irritated. Goodnight.
Monday, January 13, 2014
January 13
Went and got a massage after work to see if it would help with a headache (no, it's worse now) and my backache. Found a couple of the plays I'm looking at for monologue material in a used bookstore, and then went to the Sandbox Radio Live show at ACT (again, 4 days outta' 5) because someone offered me a ticket, and several of my friends went. Read "Proof" on the bus ride home, and got so into it, I forgot everything else I had experienced. I like it. It's a good contrast to my other monologue, but I don't know if the part is too young...I've gotten conflicting info on that. Also, it won a Tony, and I was advised to avoid those (because everyone does those), but enough time may have passed. I might do it anyway.
Here's the daily picture, lots of birds out earlier.
Here's the daily picture, lots of birds out earlier.
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| Sky, Jan 13/L Herlevi 2014 |
Monday
I was listening to a talk on YouTube and in the middle of it the woman went off on "mockery." How people will find something they don't like and then do it to be funny, and it makes me think how pervasive this is now: politics, media, comments, facebook posts, twitter, etc...we are bombarded with it. And irony has it's place, certainly, but it's so dominant right now. And the thing is, all of this is passive and reactionary, which again has it's place (a small one), and it's taking over the building, and nothing changes. Nothing happens (as far as change we say we want) when it's in charge. We only react to blows, we don't change the circumstances that cause the blows in the first place by only complaining or mocking them. It's not a place of power. Power is action. Power is in changing the circumstances, replacing the playing field, changing the rules of the game when they no longer work.
In that Hero's Journey genre thing (it's a circle-Romantic, Tragedy, Irony, Satire, Comedy, back to Romantic) from the point of view of hero and side-kick (I can't recall the term.) It starts with 1) hero fights and wins; 2) hero fights and loses; 3) hero gives up, ineffectual; 4) there is no hero; 5) side kick is the hero. I think. It was a 10th grade English class, I'm a little rusty in my remembrance of it; I just remembered the side-kick character mattered in the cycle, this morning. In that context, irony is giving up. And again, there is a place for it, but it isn't gonna affect change (at least not very effectively.)
She says something about the mocking coming from the place of an outsider, that now wants to keep other people out...yeah. And now everyone's keeping someone else out it seems. I get it. I really wanted to be "cool" (I'm still not, for the record) when I was younger, and picked up a lot of that negativity where you start to hate everything. (You know, the teenage, early 20's attitude.) And I did make friends, I did find my tribe, but looking back on it, I think they accepted me in spite of my bad attitude, not because of it. They tolerated it because they liked me. And then I remember a specific moment where I decided I didn't want to be like that anymore, that it was pushing good things away from me, keeping them out of my life. It took years to finally feel like I was free of it. I still fall prey, but not as much, not as long.
If you don't practice any religion, or believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation; if you believe this is it, this is the whole burrito, why spend your limited time in mockery instead of living? Your life. Finding something you love. Something with meaning. Something that moves you. Something that causes you to act. Something to want. Make choices in your life rather than reacting to something someone (you probably don't even like) is throwing at you. Why let them rule your life? Just a thought.
The world is waiting for you.
In that Hero's Journey genre thing (it's a circle-Romantic, Tragedy, Irony, Satire, Comedy, back to Romantic) from the point of view of hero and side-kick (I can't recall the term.) It starts with 1) hero fights and wins; 2) hero fights and loses; 3) hero gives up, ineffectual; 4) there is no hero; 5) side kick is the hero. I think. It was a 10th grade English class, I'm a little rusty in my remembrance of it; I just remembered the side-kick character mattered in the cycle, this morning. In that context, irony is giving up. And again, there is a place for it, but it isn't gonna affect change (at least not very effectively.)
She says something about the mocking coming from the place of an outsider, that now wants to keep other people out...yeah. And now everyone's keeping someone else out it seems. I get it. I really wanted to be "cool" (I'm still not, for the record) when I was younger, and picked up a lot of that negativity where you start to hate everything. (You know, the teenage, early 20's attitude.) And I did make friends, I did find my tribe, but looking back on it, I think they accepted me in spite of my bad attitude, not because of it. They tolerated it because they liked me. And then I remember a specific moment where I decided I didn't want to be like that anymore, that it was pushing good things away from me, keeping them out of my life. It took years to finally feel like I was free of it. I still fall prey, but not as much, not as long.
If you don't practice any religion, or believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation; if you believe this is it, this is the whole burrito, why spend your limited time in mockery instead of living? Your life. Finding something you love. Something with meaning. Something that moves you. Something that causes you to act. Something to want. Make choices in your life rather than reacting to something someone (you probably don't even like) is throwing at you. Why let them rule your life? Just a thought.
The world is waiting for you.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
After Tonight's Meisner
In the one ear I'm hearing that I should watch what I say, and "how dare you feel that," and that I need to be gracious, so I don't get to have my feelings. I have to justify everyone else's behavior at the expense of my happiness, because that's being "the bigger person." But screw that, when do I get to feel? When do I get to express that, and you hear me, and still stay? When do I get to smash the friggin' eggshells under my boot heels?
And then in the other ear I'm hearing, "don't censor yourself," "let yourself be upset," "let yourself be a 'brat'." And I'm slowly letting that get easier, but still not second nature to let myself feel things without feeling like I'm a terrible person, or a bitch, or just "going to attract negativity" in my life...oh, is that how that works? 'Cos being gracious all the time is getting me walked all over. And it's making real reactions and real connection on stage difficult to reach. I need to give myself the permission to "be a bad" person. To be the "non-gracious" one. I mean come on, I had a right to know about the woman before they got engaged...why excuse it and say it was because of choices I made? Even if that's true, I had a right to know. I was more gracious than he ever deserved. I was more than he deserved...but I made excuses for him. (And I effing deserved safety. I deserved emotional stability. I deserved attention. I deserved love. And I have the right to say that, (and to want to hear you say "Happy Birthday" to me, and to be a little hurt that you won't-we are both making those choices, both responsible for them) even if it changes nothing there, with any of them. It does change my ability to live truthfully, to do truthfully. To access all of it. All of it. It's totally getting in the way.) Now that I've gotten that off of my chest...
All this once again on Tuesday, and then we get to sing for each other on Sunday, something that gets us fired up. I have "Stayin' Alive" stuck in my head, but maybe I won't sing that. Who knows? It's got a great kick.
Only shot three photos today (but did make a decent risotto.)
Will have to load it later, ongoing glitch in Blogger.
And then in the other ear I'm hearing, "don't censor yourself," "let yourself be upset," "let yourself be a 'brat'." And I'm slowly letting that get easier, but still not second nature to let myself feel things without feeling like I'm a terrible person, or a bitch, or just "going to attract negativity" in my life...oh, is that how that works? 'Cos being gracious all the time is getting me walked all over. And it's making real reactions and real connection on stage difficult to reach. I need to give myself the permission to "be a bad" person. To be the "non-gracious" one. I mean come on, I had a right to know about the woman before they got engaged...why excuse it and say it was because of choices I made? Even if that's true, I had a right to know. I was more gracious than he ever deserved. I was more than he deserved...but I made excuses for him. (And I effing deserved safety. I deserved emotional stability. I deserved attention. I deserved love. And I have the right to say that, (and to want to hear you say "Happy Birthday" to me, and to be a little hurt that you won't-we are both making those choices, both responsible for them) even if it changes nothing there, with any of them. It does change my ability to live truthfully, to do truthfully. To access all of it. All of it. It's totally getting in the way.) Now that I've gotten that off of my chest...
All this once again on Tuesday, and then we get to sing for each other on Sunday, something that gets us fired up. I have "Stayin' Alive" stuck in my head, but maybe I won't sing that. Who knows? It's got a great kick.
Only shot three photos today (but did make a decent risotto.)
Will have to load it later, ongoing glitch in Blogger.
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| 20, Jan 12/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Later, home again on Saturday
Someone mentioned that if the sky had been clear on Thursday night, we might have seen the Aurora Borealis. It's clear enough tonight, thin stretches of clouds across the sky, one small star twinkling just below the moon in place of an aurora.
I thought I was feeling better, but that didn't last. My back hurts as well. Just got home from the show.
In general, I like last night's better. I think the theme was more broad, and the writer's were fresh. Tonight, I liked the second half better, writing was more abstract, and that's just the luck of the draw that it was ordered that way. Last night's theme was "You May Just Be the One," and tonight's was "Sin and Salvation," which is easy to go in a cliche direction with, because we are surrounded by that idea, and some worked around that better than others. That said, strong acting choices in the first half. Not sure if I'll go on Friday or not. I do enjoy it. It'll be totally new group of everything next week (actors, musicians, artists, directors, writers, crew, etc.) I like that they do two nights in a row, it shows the range of the actors.
I can't think of a song that "Sin and Salvation" makes me think of, but Josie Cotton's "He Could be the One" has been running in my head since Thursday night. Close enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soleSTp_u_c
It rained most of the day, so my only pictures were of a fence at the bus stop. Can't seem to load the photo tonight. I'll try again later. It's not very exciting, but I learned how to adjust for the lighting and I'm trying to shoot everyday, good or bad. Oh.
I thought I was feeling better, but that didn't last. My back hurts as well. Just got home from the show.
In general, I like last night's better. I think the theme was more broad, and the writer's were fresh. Tonight, I liked the second half better, writing was more abstract, and that's just the luck of the draw that it was ordered that way. Last night's theme was "You May Just Be the One," and tonight's was "Sin and Salvation," which is easy to go in a cliche direction with, because we are surrounded by that idea, and some worked around that better than others. That said, strong acting choices in the first half. Not sure if I'll go on Friday or not. I do enjoy it. It'll be totally new group of everything next week (actors, musicians, artists, directors, writers, crew, etc.) I like that they do two nights in a row, it shows the range of the actors.
I can't think of a song that "Sin and Salvation" makes me think of, but Josie Cotton's "He Could be the One" has been running in my head since Thursday night. Close enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soleSTp_u_c
It rained most of the day, so my only pictures were of a fence at the bus stop. Can't seem to load the photo tonight. I'll try again later. It's not very exciting, but I learned how to adjust for the lighting and I'm trying to shoot everyday, good or bad. Oh.
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| Fence, Jan 11/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, after a Master Class
It gets very dark when it rains. Crazy weather day. Stomach still killing me, and barely got any sleep, but decided to roll out of bed and try to get to this master class with Peter Ksander at On the Boards. He's a set designer. I thought it would be really full, because the presale tickets (for the performance There There) are all sold out, and I wouldn't get in...blah, blah, blah. Anyway, my bus was late, so I missed my transfer, and so I stayed on the bus and went with plan B because it started to pour. (So wet out today.) Anyway, it was raining pretty hard when I walked over. I was the first attendee there, just the Regional Program Director sitting in the lobby when I walked in. A few more people came in and then the weird monsoon weather hit, with hail and hard blowing rain. Everyone else came in soaked, all of our jackets drying off across chairs along the lobby perimeter. I think there were 12 or 13 of us altogether. Made for a great conversation about theatre, art, space, performance, etc. Lots of ideas and thoughts to process. Glad I made it.
Anyway, if there is a goal for audience engagement with the work, I think in addition to thinking about how we stage work, we need to address cultivating the audience for the work as well. And I think that needs to include creating an "in" for the audience at the performances. Not being hostile to the audience. Not being so confrontational that you essentially say "fuck you" to the audience because they aren't hip enough to get it. I understand the desire for elitism. I understand wanting to exclude, especially if you were ever an outsider, a black sheep, ostracized, etc (I've certainly been there), but you have to let people in. To not do it (well aside from being an unhealthy way to live) is to risk being so insular you implode or become irrelevant. This isn't something that was discussed, it's just something I think about a lot. People complain about work being too safe, but you gotta build the audience for other types of work, so it's supported. So it can thrive and add something to the conversation. We need the conversation. So, how do we make it happen? (And I think this is especially important if you want to address the human condition-which art does, and want to affect society. Someone needs to witness the work, and be affected by it. Art doesn't, or shouldn't, exist in a vacuum: you need an audience.)
Doing laundry, listening to football game, and going to the show again tonight (hopefully, I can get in with my comp.) No pictures, yet. Am hoping my stomach will hurt a little less before I leave. Maybe it's inflamed. I don't know. Just. Really. Hurts.
Anyway, if there is a goal for audience engagement with the work, I think in addition to thinking about how we stage work, we need to address cultivating the audience for the work as well. And I think that needs to include creating an "in" for the audience at the performances. Not being hostile to the audience. Not being so confrontational that you essentially say "fuck you" to the audience because they aren't hip enough to get it. I understand the desire for elitism. I understand wanting to exclude, especially if you were ever an outsider, a black sheep, ostracized, etc (I've certainly been there), but you have to let people in. To not do it (well aside from being an unhealthy way to live) is to risk being so insular you implode or become irrelevant. This isn't something that was discussed, it's just something I think about a lot. People complain about work being too safe, but you gotta build the audience for other types of work, so it's supported. So it can thrive and add something to the conversation. We need the conversation. So, how do we make it happen? (And I think this is especially important if you want to address the human condition-which art does, and want to affect society. Someone needs to witness the work, and be affected by it. Art doesn't, or shouldn't, exist in a vacuum: you need an audience.)
Doing laundry, listening to football game, and going to the show again tonight (hopefully, I can get in with my comp.) No pictures, yet. Am hoping my stomach will hurt a little less before I leave. Maybe it's inflamed. I don't know. Just. Really. Hurts.
End of the week
Not to get all Matrix-y here, but if people open doors for you, you have to actually walk through them on your own. As nice as it would be, no one's here to hold your hand (or mine, as the case may be.) And a lot of doors have opened. I'm terrible with follow-thru, but currently forcing myself to do something, anything to make myself move toward what I say I want (but apparently afraid to hope for. But if I've done, or am doing, the work, I have as much right to enter as anyone else.) I also have a serious commitment problem, I think I'm afraid of closing doors behind me. You do have to choose at some point. It doesn't have to be the "right" or perfect choice, I just need to commit to it. I can say this in general, but I'm mostly thinking of choices on stage, in class. It's making my actions/interactions muddy. Make big choices! (and commit to them!)
I'm excited to see what the shows will be tonight. I watched a Vimeo video last night on it, the directors and actors are all drawn the morning of. They posted it earlier, too. Trying to give my 2/4 comps away, but can't wait any longer for date/time. I did give one away, I'll probably use two of them, myself...but I have one more.
Sadly, lower expectations doesn't keep disappointment at bay.
The show was great. Saw it 2x (mostly, I left before the very last one because I didn't want to miss the very last bus. In retrospect, I probably coulda' stayed, but why risk it? Also, I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach all night. Not sure what's up with that.) The 8 pm show was sold out, so lots of people standing. I saw it from the back, near the middle, and saw the 10:30 show from the side. The middle was definitely better for the first few plays-there were seven, but the side was good for others. Someone I didn't realize was an actor, was friggin' hilarious. There was some wonderful physical work, noticeably in the first piece after the intermission called "Boxed Wine" and also by a woman that played a dead turtle (come back from the dead) in "My Pet and My Dead Pet."
I was ushering through the beginning of the second show. One of my best friends from when I did theatre (long ago) showed up to the 8 pm show. I haven't seen him in probably 15 years. It was great. I think about him a lot. Last time I saw him was strange, I was working as a waitress and he came into the restaurant and I didn't talk to him because I felt stupid because I was working at that restaurant. I was just insecure. I've always felt like an ass about it. He introduced himself to me tonight (I had a name tag on, and he came through my door) and we hugged, and then he came over and introduced me to his wife, and we talked a bit. It was good. I needed that.
Bus got me home after 1 am. And it's pouring down rain. And there were geese flying and honking to each other between the bus stop and home. These pictures are from Friday. Gone from (boring) night shots to cacti. (I spent my lunch hour in a greenhouse looking at desert plants and frogs.)
I'm excited to see what the shows will be tonight. I watched a Vimeo video last night on it, the directors and actors are all drawn the morning of. They posted it earlier, too. Trying to give my 2/4 comps away, but can't wait any longer for date/time. I did give one away, I'll probably use two of them, myself...but I have one more.
Sadly, lower expectations doesn't keep disappointment at bay.
The show was great. Saw it 2x (mostly, I left before the very last one because I didn't want to miss the very last bus. In retrospect, I probably coulda' stayed, but why risk it? Also, I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach all night. Not sure what's up with that.) The 8 pm show was sold out, so lots of people standing. I saw it from the back, near the middle, and saw the 10:30 show from the side. The middle was definitely better for the first few plays-there were seven, but the side was good for others. Someone I didn't realize was an actor, was friggin' hilarious. There was some wonderful physical work, noticeably in the first piece after the intermission called "Boxed Wine" and also by a woman that played a dead turtle (come back from the dead) in "My Pet and My Dead Pet."
I was ushering through the beginning of the second show. One of my best friends from when I did theatre (long ago) showed up to the 8 pm show. I haven't seen him in probably 15 years. It was great. I think about him a lot. Last time I saw him was strange, I was working as a waitress and he came into the restaurant and I didn't talk to him because I felt stupid because I was working at that restaurant. I was just insecure. I've always felt like an ass about it. He introduced himself to me tonight (I had a name tag on, and he came through my door) and we hugged, and then he came over and introduced me to his wife, and we talked a bit. It was good. I needed that.
Bus got me home after 1 am. And it's pouring down rain. And there were geese flying and honking to each other between the bus stop and home. These pictures are from Friday. Gone from (boring) night shots to cacti. (I spent my lunch hour in a greenhouse looking at desert plants and frogs.)
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| Not Cacti, Jan 10/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| January 10/L Herlevi 2014 |
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Jumping through the hoops
Yes.
Wildly uncomfortable, but it will get easier, I think, over time. I've changed my life how many times? You just have to keep putting yourself out there until the new becomes your life. No other way.
A friend offered to take me to dinner, so I emailed my choir director to tell him I wouldn't be there, he said, "Happy Birthday." Met my friend downtown, near the theatre, and went after. Glad I did it. Felt kinda' stupid, but...c'est la vie. Kinda' fun to see how it all works though (14/48 festival.) Playwrights just got the theme, and have to have a 10 minute (or less) play by 8 am tomorrow. Meet directors at 9 am, actors at 9:45, musicians at 10. Whole thing goes up for an audience at 8 pm tomorrow night. 7 plays. I don't know how directors and actors are assigned, they hadn't done that by the time I left. I went and tried to take pictures. The scene is warm, but the camera shoots it really cold and greenish. I don't like it.
Started to jump through the hoops that'll get me to the general auditions (fingers crossed.) Sign up starts next week. I joined TPS (still need a head shot and to upload a bio) and I made more specific contact with potential coach. She gave me ideas of where to look for monologues, so I'll start doing that as soon as I finish this. Not a lot of time. Prelim auditions are in February, and if I get in, I'll have to do one of those, so need to have the monologues ready within the next month. I get two minutes, you don't go over.
Here's a picture (best of the bunch):
Wildly uncomfortable, but it will get easier, I think, over time. I've changed my life how many times? You just have to keep putting yourself out there until the new becomes your life. No other way.
A friend offered to take me to dinner, so I emailed my choir director to tell him I wouldn't be there, he said, "Happy Birthday." Met my friend downtown, near the theatre, and went after. Glad I did it. Felt kinda' stupid, but...c'est la vie. Kinda' fun to see how it all works though (14/48 festival.) Playwrights just got the theme, and have to have a 10 minute (or less) play by 8 am tomorrow. Meet directors at 9 am, actors at 9:45, musicians at 10. Whole thing goes up for an audience at 8 pm tomorrow night. 7 plays. I don't know how directors and actors are assigned, they hadn't done that by the time I left. I went and tried to take pictures. The scene is warm, but the camera shoots it really cold and greenish. I don't like it.
Started to jump through the hoops that'll get me to the general auditions (fingers crossed.) Sign up starts next week. I joined TPS (still need a head shot and to upload a bio) and I made more specific contact with potential coach. She gave me ideas of where to look for monologues, so I'll start doing that as soon as I finish this. Not a lot of time. Prelim auditions are in February, and if I get in, I'll have to do one of those, so need to have the monologues ready within the next month. I get two minutes, you don't go over.
Here's a picture (best of the bunch):
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| How it generally shot, Jan 9/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| What it looked like, Jan 9/L Herlevi 2014 |
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Mid week
Just got home from clown group. I was making up excuses earlier of why not to go, but I enjoy it. Also, I realize how out of touch I get with that way of being in the world if I don't do it regularly, I forget how clown would react or move. And again, I love the generosity of everyone that shows up. Earlier today I was thinking about the next level class and if I was going to take it. I'm leaning closer to "yes," still, it's a long way until July. I have no idea what I'm doing this summer.
I'm volunteering for another theatre event this weekend, I had said I was available for any of the days (ushering) and they assigned me this weekend. I want to meet people doing theatre in this city. Anyway, as part of that, all the volunteers were invited to the kick-off event tomorrow night, I'm kinda on the fence. I'd like to go, but if I'm the only volunteer that shows up (everyone else is an actor, writer, director, musician, artist, designer directly involved), I know I'll feel like I don't belong there. And it's my birthday. And technically, I should go to choir rehearsal as I really don't have a solid grasp of the Vivaldi piece. But...my main reason for not going is lame, and if that were taken out of the equation, I'd go. If I want to meet people, or at least match names with faces, this would be when to do that. Plus, you know, we were invited. I think I need to suck up my insecurities and just go.
I don't know why my camera records colors like this and not how they actually appear. I guess I should read the manual:)
I'm volunteering for another theatre event this weekend, I had said I was available for any of the days (ushering) and they assigned me this weekend. I want to meet people doing theatre in this city. Anyway, as part of that, all the volunteers were invited to the kick-off event tomorrow night, I'm kinda on the fence. I'd like to go, but if I'm the only volunteer that shows up (everyone else is an actor, writer, director, musician, artist, designer directly involved), I know I'll feel like I don't belong there. And it's my birthday. And technically, I should go to choir rehearsal as I really don't have a solid grasp of the Vivaldi piece. But...my main reason for not going is lame, and if that were taken out of the equation, I'd go. If I want to meet people, or at least match names with faces, this would be when to do that. Plus, you know, we were invited. I think I need to suck up my insecurities and just go.
I don't know why my camera records colors like this and not how they actually appear. I guess I should read the manual:)
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| Walkway, Jan 8/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Space Needle, Jan 8/L Herlevi 2014 |
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
January 7 and day 2
The rain fell softly down while I waited for the bus. I liked the way it hit the windshield: a soft mist, interspersed with a few hard, solid drops. Backlit with the growing daylight. Thought about shooting it, but felt intrusive, so I didn't. Favorite thing I've seen today, so far. Feeling resistance.
Eleven more weeks after tonight, and at the end I will still be yet a different person from who I am today. There's a lot going on now, mostly the class, but other things are churning as well, all with life-altering potential. I'm trying to believe I'll be ready.
And it's funny that I work myself into a state of nervousness the closer it gets to the time for me to leave for class. The thing is, yes, it's always stretching forward, but it's within the realm of possibility to move in that direction, it's not so far forward as to cause paralysis (usually.) The sudden direction to add singing into the process on Sunday made me panic. It wasn't that I was afraid of singing in front of people, (there were six of us in the group), it was more that I was afraid my subconscious wouldn't deliver and I'd fail. I think I put to much pressure on the spontaneous reaction, and what I think that looks like. I coulda' sung anything, it wasn't going to be "wrong."
Tonight, weighted down by self-consciousness (and my clothing felt restrictive), need to figure out how to come out of that. Music helps, ironically, I keep choosing Beatles' (and Estonian) songs. I can daydream on the bus at the drop of a hat, and I can sit and be part of the audience and my imagination goes all over the place, but not when I'm on the spot. Need to figure out why, and what to do about it.
On a bright note, I asked Robin about suggesting a coach for auditions and the person she suggested was the person I originally wanted to ask, and then when I walked out on break she was in the lobby, so I asked her. Need to email her as well. Nice bit of synchronicity. This is coming up way too soon.
Only shot three pictures today, since I didn't take a break (because of leaving early for class.)
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Eleven more weeks after tonight, and at the end I will still be yet a different person from who I am today. There's a lot going on now, mostly the class, but other things are churning as well, all with life-altering potential. I'm trying to believe I'll be ready.
And it's funny that I work myself into a state of nervousness the closer it gets to the time for me to leave for class. The thing is, yes, it's always stretching forward, but it's within the realm of possibility to move in that direction, it's not so far forward as to cause paralysis (usually.) The sudden direction to add singing into the process on Sunday made me panic. It wasn't that I was afraid of singing in front of people, (there were six of us in the group), it was more that I was afraid my subconscious wouldn't deliver and I'd fail. I think I put to much pressure on the spontaneous reaction, and what I think that looks like. I coulda' sung anything, it wasn't going to be "wrong."
Tonight, weighted down by self-consciousness (and my clothing felt restrictive), need to figure out how to come out of that. Music helps, ironically, I keep choosing Beatles' (and Estonian) songs. I can daydream on the bus at the drop of a hat, and I can sit and be part of the audience and my imagination goes all over the place, but not when I'm on the spot. Need to figure out why, and what to do about it.
On a bright note, I asked Robin about suggesting a coach for auditions and the person she suggested was the person I originally wanted to ask, and then when I walked out on break she was in the lobby, so I asked her. Need to email her as well. Nice bit of synchronicity. This is coming up way too soon.
Only shot three pictures today, since I didn't take a break (because of leaving early for class.)
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| Lamp post Jan 7/L Herlevi 2014 |
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Sunday, January 5, 2014
Not a cloud in the sky
Saturday night - Thick sliver of yellow moon dropping heavily in the western sky, leaving the clear east twinkling with stars spread out in the vast darkness: more stars than can usually be seen in the city. The ground sparkling with frost, crunching or slippery underfoot. A final chance to see the lights before the season is over, but the stars win my attention. I reluctantly head home after an hour gazing, stomach growling from lack of food, heart racing from too much caffeine, and fingers freezing in spite of the gloves I finally wore. Grateful to the neighbors for hanging lights; grateful to the stars and the moon for shining so bright. Grateful that my need for caffeine (and warmth) found me entering the coffee shop at that particular moment for that particular conversation (it felt like encouragement.)
Sunday - Heavy stuff, and it can happen because trust has been built, how does bringing in someone new work? It could work, but this is going to be a heavy quarter (emotionally, and personally vulnerable) so we will have to trust them, but if they are serious about it, it'll have to come with the territory of the work. The homework is already daunting, and it only scratches the surface. Forgot about the book we were supposed to look over during break, Spoon River Anthology, so will have to check the library.
Uninspired today, and then as the light was fading as I made my way to class, there was this:
Sunday - Heavy stuff, and it can happen because trust has been built, how does bringing in someone new work? It could work, but this is going to be a heavy quarter (emotionally, and personally vulnerable) so we will have to trust them, but if they are serious about it, it'll have to come with the territory of the work. The homework is already daunting, and it only scratches the surface. Forgot about the book we were supposed to look over during break, Spoon River Anthology, so will have to check the library.
Uninspired today, and then as the light was fading as I made my way to class, there was this:
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| Beauty is you, Jan 5/L Herlevi 2014 |
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Saturday
Decided to check out the new(ish) neighborhood park this morning. Walked through with my camera but the light was wrong and I was cold so went to get some coffee and to finish reading the Esper book. When I find an empty seat, the man across asks about my camera and if I love it. Somehow the conversation gets to his idea that the world is here for him (and by extension, everyone else) to learn and grow from our interactions and experiences within it. I commented how this was different from narcissism where one would believe that you are the center of the world and it is here to serve you alone. The first being more egalitarian and compassionate. It was a cool conversation, but really short, and we both got back to what we were doing: me, reading; he, writing. Hello, Saturday morning!
Later I went back to the park and walked this circular track. At the far end there is an overlook to the east. It's high enough, and the day clear and bright enough that you could see the entire Cascade Range and all the foothills. You could see the lake and both bridges crossing it. Ridiculous. This area had been closed to the public for years. Very cool.
Went to the library to drop off the Esper book and pick up an Estonian movie. On the way back home, stopped by an art gallery that I hadn't been to in a while, and found out that the artist had died last February. There was a room dedicated to his life. Yesterday, I learned that a friend was in a coma in the hospital after suffering a severe asthma attack, and while I prayed for her, and sent good thoughts her way, I couldn't feel anything. Standing in this room, I started crying for someone I'd only ever met twice in my life. I don't know why. The first time I met him, I cried when I walked away. He was doing a book signing at an exhibit and I was wandering around on a break and came across him and decided to stand in line and meet him. When I think about it now, the word that springs to mind is "delight." There was a childlike quality in him, he was very present and exuded unconditional love. But I felt a delight in him when he met me, and I guess I was lacking that in my life, so it really touched me. (He was also a Zen priest.) My only other encounter with him was several years later and more mundane.
I had plans to visit the friend this morning, but she was transferred to a different hospital, and I had trouble figuring out how to meet up with my ride there. Hopefully later on in the week. I did find out that the coma was induced because she was placed on a ventilator. She's young. She's supposed to get married this month, and she seemed really happy with her life last time I saw her.
Again, don't wait. We only have now.
Later I went back to the park and walked this circular track. At the far end there is an overlook to the east. It's high enough, and the day clear and bright enough that you could see the entire Cascade Range and all the foothills. You could see the lake and both bridges crossing it. Ridiculous. This area had been closed to the public for years. Very cool.
Went to the library to drop off the Esper book and pick up an Estonian movie. On the way back home, stopped by an art gallery that I hadn't been to in a while, and found out that the artist had died last February. There was a room dedicated to his life. Yesterday, I learned that a friend was in a coma in the hospital after suffering a severe asthma attack, and while I prayed for her, and sent good thoughts her way, I couldn't feel anything. Standing in this room, I started crying for someone I'd only ever met twice in my life. I don't know why. The first time I met him, I cried when I walked away. He was doing a book signing at an exhibit and I was wandering around on a break and came across him and decided to stand in line and meet him. When I think about it now, the word that springs to mind is "delight." There was a childlike quality in him, he was very present and exuded unconditional love. But I felt a delight in him when he met me, and I guess I was lacking that in my life, so it really touched me. (He was also a Zen priest.) My only other encounter with him was several years later and more mundane.
I had plans to visit the friend this morning, but she was transferred to a different hospital, and I had trouble figuring out how to meet up with my ride there. Hopefully later on in the week. I did find out that the coma was induced because she was placed on a ventilator. She's young. She's supposed to get married this month, and she seemed really happy with her life last time I saw her.
Again, don't wait. We only have now.
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| For Sale, Jan 4/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Side of Building, Jan 4/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Better than words, Jan 4/L Herlevi 2014 |
Friday, January 3, 2014
Sunny now
Walking to the grocery store this morning, mountain visibly looming under the clouds. Wisps of clouds blowing across the eastern side, closest to the rising sun, ever so slowly turning from gray to pink to gold. Once again, forgot that just because it's not sub-zero and snowing, doesn't mean I won't feel cold when I walk out the door, gloves woulda' been useful. Got oatmeal and then at the last minute decided I wanted bacon, while standing there, my boss walked up to me and offered me a ride into work (I often run into her there.) Walking from the cashier to the door, the oatmeal leaked out all over my bag, tried to figure out how to not get it all over her car.
It's quite bright and sunny now, will possibly have a non-gray picture of the day. Not sure how long I'll keep this up, it's not a resolution, neither is the not drinking, more of a challenge to myself to see if I have the will power. I do have a resolution, struggling with it today because I woke up in a really foul mood (housemate stuff, fairly petty, but it gets my goat.) Have been glad to be back at work and back in this neighborhood daily. This is usually where I want to be.
Went downtown to pay a bill, and use a $20 Macy's gift card I got in the mail yesterday (a rebate off of the shoes I bought earlier). Was excited to get a seat on the bus even though it smelled funky (like dirty feet, bad), next stop, bus got cleaned. Apparently someone had gotten sick, which is why all those seats were empty (all pretty much got sat in as well.) Currently washing clothes, and need to take a shower...1) the smell is in my nose; 2) don't want to get the Norovirus.
Here's a picture for January 3rd, it was sunny, though late in the afternoon, so there is color involved. The other pictures have also been in color, there just wasn't much in the shots. Actually, three for the price of one today.
It's quite bright and sunny now, will possibly have a non-gray picture of the day. Not sure how long I'll keep this up, it's not a resolution, neither is the not drinking, more of a challenge to myself to see if I have the will power. I do have a resolution, struggling with it today because I woke up in a really foul mood (housemate stuff, fairly petty, but it gets my goat.) Have been glad to be back at work and back in this neighborhood daily. This is usually where I want to be.
Went downtown to pay a bill, and use a $20 Macy's gift card I got in the mail yesterday (a rebate off of the shoes I bought earlier). Was excited to get a seat on the bus even though it smelled funky (like dirty feet, bad), next stop, bus got cleaned. Apparently someone had gotten sick, which is why all those seats were empty (all pretty much got sat in as well.) Currently washing clothes, and need to take a shower...1) the smell is in my nose; 2) don't want to get the Norovirus.
Here's a picture for January 3rd, it was sunny, though late in the afternoon, so there is color involved. The other pictures have also been in color, there just wasn't much in the shots. Actually, three for the price of one today.
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| Crab Apple, Jan 3/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Geese Jan 3/L Herlevi 2014 |
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| Jan 3 Water/L Herlevi 2014 |
Thursday, January 2, 2014
New things
New year, new artwork. One of my colleagues arranged for me to get new art for my wall at work (I got to go over and choose it) and also had a wolf poster I've had pinned to my wall, framed. (It was a promotional poster, beautiful graphic design work.) Classing up the joint.
All day I've thought it was Monday. Ran out early for the bus to get to work, forgetting that my bus is still on a holiday schedule, so spent that half hour outside in the dark and was late anyway. Stayed dark all day. This is how I generally think of January here. (Think I'll go look at Christmas lights tomorrow night.) Ran into someone I hadn't seen in ages and that kinda' made my night, but generally feeling pretty blah and uninspired. That'll change as soon as class starts up on Sunday. Ready for it to begin again, even if I am a little terrified...months of hard work ahead.
All day I've thought it was Monday. Ran out early for the bus to get to work, forgetting that my bus is still on a holiday schedule, so spent that half hour outside in the dark and was late anyway. Stayed dark all day. This is how I generally think of January here. (Think I'll go look at Christmas lights tomorrow night.) Ran into someone I hadn't seen in ages and that kinda' made my night, but generally feeling pretty blah and uninspired. That'll change as soon as class starts up on Sunday. Ready for it to begin again, even if I am a little terrified...months of hard work ahead.
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| January/L Herlevi 2014 |
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