After class

Well, fk, I know nothing.  Completely confused after all the collective feedback and explanation of details, I don't know up from down. My head has revolted by suddenly being empty.  It seems like too many details to keep straight; and I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I have the task/activity next and not the entrance.  Geez. She said I was indicating with body language, that I was pushing, which I kinda' get, I actually physically was holding myself back from doing something and that was probably the body tension, (and I should have done it) but it's true, I was making the reaction larger than it would have been otherwise...the frustration was there, but it wasn't to the point of anger.  Sad too, we work well off of each other in chair exercises, but it rarely hits anger.  See how it goes next time, we do get a second chance, roles reversed, different relationship.

It's funny, it came up elsewhere, but I can fantasize and get myself worked up every which way until I get to class, and I got nothing.  I don't know how to change that.  I mean: sitting in public, riding a bus, at work at my desk, walking down the street...I can get all sorts of emotions going; but when it counts: nada.  How to I invite all of that creative imagination back into the space?  Just goes into hiding as soon as I walk into class. It's frustrating.  And I know I wasn't specific enough tonight, and I just couldn't get into a quiet headspace to search for it.  I'm not sure what's getting in the way.  I feel like I'm going backwards, that I'm not evolving.  I have a fear of being left behind.

It's reminding me a lot of clown class, how nothing we brought was ever good enough, it was never gonna be good enough, but you had to bring it as if it were this time (all the while knowing that it was going to be decimated.)  The difference between the two experiences being that in clown, you had to stay there in your failure and create something new out of it on the spot; and with this, we have to wait about a week to try again (as you do both roles each week.)  I'm not sure which is more stressful.  They are both pretty stressful.

And I'm feeling shallow.  Everyone else seems to be getting deep insights, and I'm just kinda' enjoying being in my body, and giving myself permission to be intimate (and by that I mean vulnerable, not sexual) with other actors in ways we rarely are (or with very few people) in real life, by letting myself go into uncomfortable or embarrassing places and having moments where I can let go of self-consciousness.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on some other planet than everyone else, but maybe my "in" is in some other type of preparation, and it's okay to just enjoy these for now.  If nothing else, they make me feel closer to whomever my partner is that week.  And that has to be good enough for now, or I'm just gonna be striving for something that isn't real, and that would defeat the point.