Back to zero

My thoughts have run dry, don't even know if I should do the task I had, or come up with a new one.  AAARRRGGGHHH!  My circumstance didn't really work tonight, so I'm rethinking next class.  No clue what I can do instead.  I guess I let myself be more affected tonight, but I thought my last partner and I had good chemistry as well.  We watched a DVD on Meisner early in the night, it was a relief to hear these actors that studied with him say they spent most of the time terrified.

I took a bunch on notes that I don't entirely understand now.  There's something about artistic devotion, and how that's not a comfortable path; how you have to give up things for that level, though I think for the few that go there, it's worth it.  And also the idea of living in the moment: Don't act. Don't fake.  Don't pretend.  Don't anticipate.  We also came back to the idea where Bruce Lee and the other author we read converge with Meisner telling the actors that it would take twenty years of practice to be an actor.  The naivety of beginning (where you don't think too much about it-natural talent?); the years of practice; and then the point of mastery, where it's spontaneous again, but with depth (in the Zen and the Art of Archery, the author tells the story of swordsmanship, and how the masters are those that have lost the fear of death.)  What I wrote down was, "innocence" (in the Garden of Eden); leaving the Garden and going out into the world; returning to the Garden full of experience and open eyes, by choice.  I often think of the idea of "goodness" that way.  Little kids are often considered "good", but it's good without any other knowledge.  There is another goodness that's more meaningful, and that's out of those who have experienced life, good and bad, and have the ability and knowledge to choose either one, and choose "good," even when it isn't always in their best interest.  It's deeper. I don't really think that a true sense of "good" exists until it's an active choice, and then it can become a deeper instinct.

On the mundane, finally got a haircut (been about eleven months) and broke down and went shoe shopping because there was a sale (where of course, nothing on sale fit.)  The man helping me gave me a discount, and the boots are really well made (if I'm nice to them, they will last for years) but geez! I'm wearing them with everything.  Wore them to class tonight with my clown skirt (it worked.) Everyone kept asking why I was dressed up.  No reason, I just sorta' liked it, and I was in a rut.  I needed to get out of it, at least for a night. If only it would inspire my imaginary circumstances. Nope. (Apologies for lack of coherence.)