Subdued

It's funny, I would consider myself to be relatively volatile; I'm working on that, trying to be less so, but it's interesting that I don't let it out in class.  (But then again, no one has done anything to make me react that way, either.)  I'm not volatile in regards to everything, it's pretty specific.  I could set up the scenario to hit that, but should I?  Would that be useful?  It's not something I'm proud of, so I try to keep a lid on it, but then again, since I need to access all that in class, and in acting, and the probable fact that I'm not gonna be judged on it there, whereas I am/would be in regular life, I should try to let it out if it's there.  I'm trying to find balance; sometimes it's useful.  Sometimes it burns too many bridges.  It doesn't end well, and so I'm afraid of it.  And so, I censor myself, and live a life of half-expressions, and keeping myself from fully connecting, because I'm only offering the "socially acceptable" side of myself. (All of which is genuine, if there is a lie, it's one of omission, what I'm presenting is real, if not always complete.  And mind you, that's not to everyone.  There are people who get all of it, and plenty of people that don't really need to see all of it.  But there are some I'd like to be complete with, and I need it for acting.)

All of which is why it was such a relief to admit some of that to the friend last week and have it accepted and relatable. If no one ever talks about things, if we never go beneath the surface, you can come to believe that parts of you are abhorrent, or feel that you are the only one that has ever felt that way...then somehow it comes up in conversation and you find out how common it is, only no one ever seems to mention it.  Am I the only one starving for those conversations?