Decide

Think I'll at least prepare for the "pre-auditions" in February. Don't know if I should try to do a classical piece, or just two contrasting contemporary. The dilemma being that the common practice seems to be that if you perform two pieces, one is contemporary, one is classical, but I don't have classical training, and am definitely not doing Shakespeare. Too bad that class got cancelled over the summer. From the comments on the forum, don't think I should sing either...so that leaves two monologues. The pre-auditions give you feedback on what's working, what is not, and give you the green light (or not) for the general auditions. If you don't get in, you can try again the next year. I could use the feedback regardless, not really expecting to the get the green light. The monologue I just did is sorta' a black comedy, not sure if I should use it or not, mostly because I'm not sure what to contrast it with.

I was late meeting with classmates after work, took longer to get there than I thought, the meeting place was moved further north. Got one session in and someone gave me a ride to choir practice, which was great, because the sky started to dump rain again, and it was a much further walk than I was thinking. We are working on Christmas music, happily we are doing some new music, at least new to me. Unfortunately, the more difficult one is in Swedish, I have a hard time with Swedish...I don't know how to phonetically spell it out. I mostly have the Finnish down now. We are also singing in Latin.

Still feeling pretty blank. Still making myself write. Feeling completely overwhelmed with scheduling, with everything going on in my life, and in the world, I might add. And all the things I have to do, like buy cleaning supplies for the house, so I can deduct it from my rent so I can get my rent paid on time. And I haven't had time to do it. Maybe before work tomorrow? And cook...and get that other bill paid that I forgot about last month. And I have to get 3-4 more meetings scheduled for class before Sunday, and I'm working Friday night...at least there will be food there. Need to be creative with food, got $20 until the tenth after all the bills are paid. My shoes have all fallen apart, too. Maybe I can do a medical reimbursement...I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just completely overwhelmed with everything. Yeah, I chose to go to school, so I'll have to live with it. I won't get rich doing art, but it keeps me alive. It fills back in all the places that were empty and burnt out, in a way that other things don't, and so that's worth it, for the hope and the joy of it...but there's the other reality of money and I'm slamming into that (I knew I would). Just have to get through it somehow. I have to admit, I do hate being poor.

Sunday

Computer got hijacked last night, including by some anti-virus software that wants me to buy it, don't know how it got on my computer, I've never used it. Anyway, no links to anything in my posts for a while. It's Antivirus Security Pro, and it's a scam. I'll need to take my computer to someone to have them show me how to take it off.

It's pouring again. Supposed to get windy. I don't know if my shoes ever dried out from yesterday.

Bummed a ride home from class, will try not to make a habit of it, though he does live near me. Only have one meeting scheduled so far this week, we need to make four or five. Chair work is expanding to be statements. And it's still strange to stare into someone's eyes for thirty minus a pop, someone I met a week ago. It feels like immediate intimacy. It's funny, I was supposed to meet someone this afternoon, and they weren't there (crossed wires again) but I saw someone else and we did the exercise. It felt like some weird dating ritual, very public (we were in a coffee shop.) Been feeling like that a lot lately, went to this underattended arts event, and I was joking with my sister that it felt like speed-dating, I felt like I should meet everyone. Kinda' awkward.

It rained so hard during class that the ceiling started to leak. I glanced out the window at one point and was distracted by all these large, airborne, white items flying past. Not sure what they were, couldn't get up to go look, we were debriefing. I really should at least wash my face, since I put it on the floor at one point tonight, trying to decide if I should eat or shower. I've been wanting to eat this squash all day, but it's gonna take more time to prepare than I have right now, still, I'm kinda' obsessing over it. Maybe I need more beta-carotene in my diet. 'Night.

Wet

Went through the wash several times today, at least my shoes are cleaner, and my rain jacket is still keeping out rain. It just started up again, I can hear it hitting my window.

Worked a catering event this morning at 7 am, and then watched the Wim Wenders' documentary Pina which was great. She (Pina Bausch) was a German dancer/choreographer, and it's interesting to see it now as I can see her influence in most of the performance art/dance I've seen in the past year. There's a lot of love present in her work, and that might be the result of the company being together for so long, or it might just be her. My favorite work was Café Müller which involved chairs and the dancers dancing blindly, but just the way they move and connect is beautiful in general.

After that, I went to MOHAI http://www.mohai.org/ for free museum day, which is my new favorite museum. It's a fairly "eyes wide open" look at the history of  this city, warts and all, and it makes me fall in love with Seattle all over again. It's a relatively new (and much larger) space for the museum, and it's so well-curated. And it's fun. (And now I have the Seattle fire song stuck in my head.) It was also pleasantly crowded, aided no doubt, by the miserably wet weather (windy and over an inch of rain already today) and the free passes. I left during what I thought was a lull in the rain, but as soon as I'd walked about 50 yards, it started up again. Was going to go to another museum, but time was running short, so I caught the bus home.

The bus ride was long, delayed, crowded, on the wrong route and people were pretty stoic. I pulled out (a different) art mag and dropped peas on the seat then onto the floor. This packet of peas (seeds) broke open in my bag a while ago (um, when it was still planting season...um, yikes) and I haven't emptied them out yet. I explained that to the very serious man across from me, and in my embarrassment, made him laugh. Clown-ish.

Want to go to a puppet show tonight, but might skip it: there are two college football games in town tonight, one now, and one at 7 pm south of downtown, and that combined with the rain, the new bus schedules/route drivers, and I think it's gonna be a mess trying to get anywhere. There's one next weekend as well, but I think I'm busy all next week. Am actually free tonight. I want to see more puppetry, I've always kinda' liked it. I guess it'll depend on if I can get there avoiding the stadium traffic.

Think we are about to lose power, lights are flickering. Oh, no. Just the last of my over-priced light bulbs giving up the ghost. Don't know where to get more either. Thankfully, this IKEA lamp bulb has lasted forever, and is still working. Here's a silly picture of ducks resting on one foot. Maybe I'll stay in and do laundry.

Break in the rain/L Herlevi 2013

Happy Friday

Four-leaf clover/L. Herlevi 2013

Friday and the start of a really wet week

Although there is currently a break in the rain and a lightening in the sky. I've now been on a Eurythmics kick all week, happily there is a youtube mix, which I am currently listening to. Here's a link to the lion story (based on Aesop's Fables) http://www.mikelockett.com/stories.php?action=view&id=65

Met with my second person for chair exercises, it went better, mostly I mean that we mostly did only that for the half hour. I wanted to ask her a million questions, but only asked a couple: hopefully there will be time. I think my guard must come down, even if I don't always feel it. It's so unusual to continually gaze into someone else's eyes.

On the way home, read the local arts mag, seeing all the things that are interesting, knowing I can maybe do one or two, and wondering sometimes if it's better to know or not know everything that is going on. Feels like everyone is doing something cooler than me, but that's my own insecurities talking. People have lives, jobs, limited energy, time, money. We all do what we can. What resources allow for. My life is good enough.

Still staring at perfectionism

Had an entertaining enlightenment about character actors/directors/shows I should take a look at from a dancer and a linguist, both well-versed in theatre. I have no idea how that conversation started.

Back to the book, if someone has something to teach, I'm willing to be a student and learn from them. I have a low threshold for bs, and so I tend not to follow anyone blindly, or buy into the hype (I'm sure it may have happened for moments, but not for long...an advantage of having a brain like a darting squirrel.) I'm not looking for a "guru", whether that be for art or religion or diet or whatever. If the teacher knows their shit, I'll stay and learn longer. There's always something to learn, but I'll probably never be a complete devotee, I think it's dangerous. It gives someone else too much power over you and not enough space to think for yourself.  (I do, at times, rebel over silly things, but so be it. And I'm hypocritically self-righteous over other people's self-righteousness, what can you do? In the end, it is okay to be the deeply flawed, self-righteous, caring, lost, forgiving and grudge-holding, amazing and awful, laughable and cringe-worthy, inconsistent, stubborn, mind-changing, frightened and courageous, fearful, angry, and loving humans that we are: am learning to deal with that. I'm learning to live with the perfection in the imperfection. The other choice is to be paralyzed into inaction all the time because I'll never be good enough. Yes, that again. My doctor brought it up, said she thought clown woulda' been good for me, for the perfectionist thing, and it was. She's not a shrink, we just talk about random stuff. Oh, she's the same one that gave me the joke.)

I need to get better at closing myself off after doing theatre stuff, especially this. When I walked to the bus after class, everyone I passed either checked me out or spoke to me. And I met my classmate today during lunch to do the exercises, and then after work I stayed in the area because it's closer to choir practice than going home first, and I got hit on by the person at the next table. I think that's what happened after the massage last summer as well. Those aren't always bad things, but I'm way too open; too much of a magnet. Maybe I should wear headphones (and not actually turn them on-need to be aware of surroundings.) With this work, you strip all the defenses away, and those need to get put back up when the work is over. It's needed in the rehearsal space, and it's safe there, but not outside. George always did some sorta' ritual with us at the end of class, because clown work is so vulnerable. And walking out with lowered defenses was never an issue. I should find one for this.

It's so quiet out

And it's almost 7 am. I'm not actually angry, just annoyed. There are things worth getting angry over, this isn't one of them. I also don't blame anyone else for all the baggage I'm dragging around that colors the things I encountered. Am amused that I have so much distaste for this book though. And am hoping that the missed meeting with my classmate is only crossed wires and the time can be made up: we need to get the hours in. Gotta get to work now.

As I was leaving, a bird began to sing. Perhaps it is only the robins that sing so early, before the sun is even beginning to consider rising, in the inky dark, full of stars. The other birds, wait for light to brighten the day first. It was crossed wires. I had a message at work this morning. Try again.

I woke up at four am, never did fall back asleep. Must've had caffeine in the afternoon, more in the tea than I thought. Trying to fight off the daytime sleepiness. Need to get back on a good sleep/wake cycle.

I need to save up and get a hair cut and get head shots done. There was an audition call, that I woulda' liked to have done, but you need a head shot. I could ask a friend to do one just for this, I suppose.

Waiting

No birds outside my window this morning, however, a starling was singing it's heart out on the telephone pole above my bus stop: as with snow, I'll take what I can get, and where. (I like starlings, they sing with such abandon, throwing their entire beings into it, as if that's why they were here.)

Later, when dusk had settled in, the gray clouds were finally pushed to the edges of the horizon, leaving the glowing sky a wide open canopy. Waited for an hour and a half for my classmate to show to work on the chair exercises. No show. No answer to email. No call. Shit. We have to have three in by Sunday. I hope my other two show up. Maybe he thought it was tomorrow. Tried to work my way through the book. It bores the crap out of me. I can read it in small, small bits. I get what it's trying to say and I get why we are reading it, but it goes off on this lofty, esoteric crap about nothingness (which I get, I do)...it just gets a little pompous. Granted, I was already annoyed at being stood up, and using more than I should of my budget to sit there and wait, so that probably added to my distaste of the book. Luckily, it's short. The technical stuff interests me, the trying to explain it doesn't, that part where he's trying to intellectualize something he's being told not to think so hard about. The breath description, his failure at it, the tension in his body, his failure at progression in learning, all interesting.

I just read someone saying that trying to learn acting by reading a book, or learning golf by reading a book isn't the same as physically doing the thing: putting it in muscle memory. I intellectualize too much, out of laziness sometimes; too much effort to do the work. I guess I'm finally ready to get to work already; I don't want to read about his process, I want to hold the bow myself and learn to shoot it.

On the bright side, got the bathroom cleaned while I waited for my computer to boot up to write this. Think I'll go write, or try to figure out my schedule for the next month. Kinda' busy.

I thought a little more about it. Part of my annoyance stems from being kept as an observer, separated from the action by a window. He's only describing his experience, not really opening that up to anyone else. (And in general, I'm pretty sick of that stance.) I'm glad he found enlightenment if he did, but that's open to everyone, if they want it (and even a few that didn't want it, received it anyway) it's not a special "in" club. Being excluded by default is part of that stone in my shoe, not gonna kill me, but it pisses me off. Bringing a lot of my own baggage into that book, and moving in with it. Ha. And that little dagger twists just a bit more.

Hm. Didn't realize fruit flies lived this long.

Day 2

Or I could make a bunch of characters up that speak at different pitches until I find a pitch I like that is closer to my natural resonance. We have so much wrapped up in the identities we've created.

We finally got to see pictures from the rehearsal. I look a bit crazy in most of mine, my eyes are really wide open. There are a lot of a couple of the scenes and not much of the rest of us. (And admittedly, in the scene with the most of photos, they look great.)  Only one of the prologue/epilogue.

The only Meisner exercise I had heard of before is the "chair" exercise. We started that tonight. Doing it for a half hour is going to be a struggle, though I suspect that's part of the point, to break through that (like meditation.) I think the other part is to really listen to your partner and respond instinctively, letting go of: 1) hiding behaviors (that term did come from theatre); 2) ego; and 3) the intellect having control. It's not the intellect that gives the first thoughts or responds in the moment. Stripping the house down to the studs. And then rebuilding it.

I really am a newbie, about half the class seems to be actively working on shows now. Haven't decided if I will try for the winter cattle call auditions or not. I might, it would be a good learning experience. I know very little about auditioning, and I don't have headshots. But that's four months away. Time does go by quickly, I'll have to start working on monologues and reading now. Should be always doing that anyway.

Oh, I was going to comment that there is an absurdity to repeating the same word or two words over and over and over again: they lose all meaning and start to sound really strange coming out of your mouth. My first partner and I kept busting up laughing, which was fine, because it was a real reaction in the moment. And then she did the same word on the next round which made it even funnier. But we stayed connected and repeating the word even when we were laughing through the whole thing. I'm sure all emotions come up with this.

'Night.

All the ibuprofen has made my stomach hurt. Really hurt. I probably need to stop:(

Tired

Been in need of a nap since 9 am. Going to finally take one now; missed choir rehearsal, but got most of my reading done this afternoon.

My doctor, who only gets to say this to me because she's been my doctor for a while and is also a singer, said that I need to start speaking at a higher pitch. She's right of course. How do I begin to do that? I don't want to do it, though it would be better for my throat. In a voice class I took last autumn, my natural resonance was at a higher pitch than how I regularly speak. I know I lowered my pitch in my late teens or early twenties because I wanted to be taken more seriously. I'm not a large person, and I'm female and I was living in a very male-dominated universe, and had always been mocked for looking young and being "girly," (ironically, mostly by girls.) So, there is a lot wrapped up in it. The thing is though, my natural singing pitch is "C" and above (on the treble clef.) It actually is pretty uncomfortable to sing alto. I think my speaking voice is around an "F" or a "G." That's not particularly uncomfortable, but not my natural tone. It would be easier to move away and change it, everyone I know is used to this pitch. I'll have to do it gradually. She suggested I practice the pitch change through singing the words. Maybe I could make my clown speak there until I get used to it? I probably need to go see someone, a speech therapist or a vocal coach. I'm really self-conscious about it. It's physically healthier in the long run, and probably emotionally healthier as well, but emotionally and physically difficult to change.

Monday and raining: Hello Autumn

No birds singing outside my window this morning, though I had a couple yesterday, still not the robin: new birds. Instead I wake up to the steady sound of tires on wet pavement and the dripping of water from the eaves after a night of rain.

Thoughts about singing. I'm singing louder now, but not sure how to get the volume out. Wondering what exactly is my authentic voice...not sure if it's what I've been singing with. Who am I, as opposed to who I would like to be, who society tells me I should be, who would be cool to be, who do I not want to be? In all of that, where am I? What am I? What do I sound like? It was an odd thing to think about after all this time. It's interesting. Since this summer, I don't care as much what I sound like, I just want to sing.

And I hear the voices that say, "Art is frivolous." But I don't agree with that. I think it's important. I think it's a safe way to take off the everyday masks that we wear and to let ourselves feel and experience authentically. I think it's a safe place to work through the "ugly" or "scary" (sometimes love and forgiveness and letting go are scary) parts of ourselves, get it out on the stage, the paper, the rehearsal space, the canvas, etc., so we don't play out the drama continually in our "regular" lives and hurt ourselves and each other. And I think it provides release for both the artist and the audience, and maybe it provides a chink in the armor, and opening for new thoughts, new way of seeing the world, or looking at a problem or a place where we've been stuck.

And as far as this thorn in my side, sometimes a splinter, sometimes a dagger, I've been trying to find ways to get it out, but I've decided it can stay. It's drawing up and out a lot of "poison" I thought I had purged in the past, but apparently not. Things I want to actually deal with once and for all, and so I'm grateful that it's there, and I'm grateful for the person who put it there. If there are such a thing as soulmates, mine always seem to be those who sting and make me deal with crap...other people get lovers, I get people who put daggers in my side, just saying.

This (song) isn't in reference to anyone, thoughts of thorns reminded me of both the story of the lion with a thorn in it's paw and this song by the Eurythmics. Man, it's really coming down out there now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AmkmqYEarw

Begin

Day 1. Walking to class I thought, "Can't be as scary as clown." I was wrong. Last hour, boom! Get up and sell yourself to someone to get them to want to be friends with you. Right now. Go. Didn't have to make anyone laugh, but my heart was just pounding the whole time. We also had to do "playback" on someone else (which also made me nervous...I have a hard time remembering exactly what someone said, verbatim.)  Also, will find somewhere else to sit, more to the side. Being right in front of the person speaking made me really uncomfortable, to the point where I couldn't pay attention to what they were saying because I couldn't keep looking at them. Anyway, can only imagine it gets more intense from here. I've read the blog, and I've spoken to people, but really had no idea what the actual process was. I suppose it's better that way. It's been over two months since clown and I'm out of the groove of preparing myself for that. Now I know.

Feeling a little self-righteous

I didn't use the money my parents sent me for the dinner last night. But even if I had, there are people who are much worse off than I am, and if it helps, so be it. Fast moving storms passing through today, been out in the pouring rain a couple of times already and I have to go to class soon, so will probably get soaked again. It's sunny and breezy at the moment.

In the face of all the constant bombardment of negativity and fear-generation, I think the most radical act is to love. Lots of forces want us to distrust and hate one another, (divide and conquer?) to widen divisions instead of building connections of how we are alike; want us to fight like starving dogs over the crumbs they throw down to us, while they feast at the table of the few, hoping we won't notice. The best we can do is to not give in. To choose to love in the face of that, to choose to find how we are alike. The world needs more joy, and love, and open-heartedness, and courage, and connection, and creativity, and big picture thinking...we need to rekindle hope instead of feeding fear. The one that wins is the one you feed. Be radical: choose love.

Dinner

So, this dinner I went to tonight was something called Eat for Equity, http://www.good.is/posts/eat-for-equity-a-monthly-dinner-party-fuels-community-giving, all the food, venue, kitchen are donated as well as the labor to set up, do the dishes, and cook. People donate $15-20 (suggested) to attend, and all of the money raised goes to a non-profit. Tonight's dinner was at the Picardo P-Patch in NE Seattle, the food was vegetarian, and the non-profit was City Fruit, http://cityfruit.org/about/ a group I have volunteered with in the past. Basically, volunteers go out an pick fruit off of people's trees and donate it to food banks or other programs, it's a way to take fruit that might otherwise fall on the ground and be wasted, and get it to people who do not have access to fresh produce. They also teach classes on tree care, as well as help tend to the orchards on city land. They don't pick anything off of the ground nor from sprayed trees. I think I started volunteering in the second year; this is the first year that I haven't picked any trees.

At a previous dinner a rancher donated meat and someone else donated a keg of beer. There was a delicious kale pesto tonight (by far my favorite part of the meal, it was there as a spread for bread.) I passed on the main part of the meal as it had potatoes as an ingredient. City Fruit brought a cider press and made cider. It was supposed to rain today, and we lucked out and it didn't. It was a gorgeous setting for a night dinner. The stars were out and the moon was rising as I left. I walked out with a couple of other guests (the p-patch is in a hollow) as I wanted company going out and I had a flashlight. I imagine it got light enough once the moon rose higher. This is the first one I have attended. This chapter will be one year old in November. Eat for Equity began in Boston as a response after Hurricane Katrina, and has been popping up across the country since then. It works with the idea, that maybe we can all do a little bit and added up together it makes a greater difference. I'm excited about it as I care alot about issues of poverty, nutrition, and food security/insecurity. Not sure how I got on the mailing list, but am glad I was finally able to attend one. And that's my PSA for the year.

Resistance

Have been resisting meditating for about 2.5 hours. Listening to 80's music on the radio, reading Facebook posts, looking at pictures, brushing teeth, dancing around to 80's rock...seriously, if I just did it, I could get up and leave. Keeping myself from getting on with my day because I want to do that before I leave.  Aaaaggghhhh! And I feel like it makes my day better, or my outlook, but I resist because I feel like it's going to take too long (which it does, my thoughts go racing all over the place), but not two-and-a-half hours. It's a promise I made to myself, I have such a hard time keeping those that I feel obligated to try to keep this one.

Went to market, think I'll cook all day. Am planning on going to a community supper tonight, a fundraiser, but school starts tomorrow, and that will be like working a second job for the next nine months. So, will try to have something around, so I spend less money eating out. Gonna do the slow-cooker taco filling, a modified Caldo Gallego (by way of NOLA, and minus potatoes) and a cooked salsa verde (you make a fresh one, and then cook it down.) Not a lot of fridge space available, so need to process everything somehow so it takes up less space.

As far as running into people from my past, it's a good thing. Any sting there might have been has passed, and it's good to be reminded of why I liked them in the first place even if we didn't end up being all that compatible in the long run. I'm also running into old housemates a lot lately. It's funny, it's not like most of us moved away, we are all still living in the same city, or moved away briefly and came back, but somehow haven't crossed paths in a long time. I've always lived in group houses (except for the year I was nineteen, I lived in a single dorm room for that year), and so have lived with a lot of people over the course of my adult life.

The caldo seems edible, not as bitter as I would have thought with both turnip greens and turnips in it, and I have managed to resist lifting the lid of the slow cooker. I think it's working. Salsa verde will have to wait, none of the kitchen outlets seem to work, so can't plug in blender. (Slow cooker is sitting on a wooden chair in the living room to be able to reach a working outlet.) Keeping an eye on it.

Friday evening

Raining with a vengeance outside before I left the house and again on the way home. Luckily, I got a ride from friends, it's late to walk, late to wait for the bus there. Got seven minutes to write something. In the cocoon of someone else's safety, doing their art because they have to; we all have to. There was a joy in their playing, in the sharing it with each other and with the people in the room, mostly friends. Musicians who have been playing collectively (adding the years up) over 100 years, each of them playing for 20 -25 years. Outside, sometimes a passing bus, a shooting star of light; then darkness: the only light that mattered was in the room.

I'm blank today. I don't know this is how I want to say what I witnessed.  I don't know how to say it now. It's starting over again somehow, but not really. And doing the thing that's in your soul. It's only too late to begin, or begin again, if you never do.

Choir number two

My singing is better, and it doesn't hurt, but my throat is a little raw and my voice is noticeably lower when I speak.  Everything was very, very high.  Here's a picture of parked cars.

Cars along the wall/L Herlevi 2013

Words to self

It is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. It is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. It is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. Repeat until I believe it. I can't change it. I fought tooth and nail for years to allow myself to be happy. I'm not a Pollyanna, I know there is suffering in life. (Parts of my life have been really hard, but that's true for all of us.) There always will be. Humans do some horrible things to one another, for a million different reasons, some we will never know. Humans also commit amazing acts of bravery, or kindness, or love, or grace. Sometimes all this in the same person. (Which side do we feed?) We are complicated. As I have no desire to die, I have to make the best of what I'm given. Not giving in. Not. Not. Not. (This stems from an ongoing conversation with someone. She understands, I think.) At least I've figured out one knot.  One, out of thousands, untangled. And the work goes on.

There's a full moon out now

Unbelievably (because I was thinking about it earlier today, and I tend to always notice it) someone had to stop me and point out the moon tonight. It's funny, because I saw this man loitering as I was leaving the garden, long past sunset again, different man than before, and I thought, well, there are a lot of other people around because the market was shutting down for the night, so I walked past him. He stopped me (as if he were waiting for me), and I couldn't figure out what he was saying to me at first, but he just wanted to point out the harvest moon. Said it was powerful. Asked how my evening was. I thanked him for pointing it out, because I woulda' forgotten (thinking of stinky, anaerobic compost, and cauliflower and blossom-end rot; we had a work party in the garden earlier), totally was not looking up at the sky. Then closer to home, I ran into another ex-boyfriend, this is like the third in a week...I haven't seen two of these guys in years. It's like the sudden visitation of boyfriends past, not sure what's up with that.

Something fundamentally changed today, and I can't put my finger on it. I don't even know what it has to do with...I don't know that I'm thinking any different, but something shifted. I'm not even sure if I want the change to stay or not, maybe can't go backwards though. Curious.

This has nothing to do with anything, but as this whole post is very non-sequitur, and the story is interesting and has a happy ending: enjoy.http://gma.yahoo.com/eight-foot-crocodile-found-under-bed-175051148.html?vp=1

Sun equals better mood

plus I got around to meditating this morning, which I forgot to do yesterday. It's a whole lot brighter outside though.  It's the heavy dark clouds that sit there, if there were wind or rain or snow, I'd be fine.

Imitation might be a source of flattery, or maybe there is some similarity in view of the world. I'm open, but I've stopped looking. I'm open but I've stopped knocking on the door. I'm still open but it's totally in your court now. I'm shouting into the silence and no one is hearing it. Send messages that I can receive. Please. I'm trying not to see things where there aren't things. I get twenty hang-ups on my voice mail. I get cryptic messages sent from a phone to my email that my computer won't open. I don't have a smartphone; send so I can receive it.  I got a message after the fact, I'm sorry.

Gerard maybe says it better. Blue Aeroplanes and Stones Love this band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v8GOe-zLCY&list=ALBTKoXRg38BBSJH7tlSLF0Rzty_VlUWf-

Here's Your Ages, just because I like it. No hidden message, just really like it. This was the band I was listening to right before I fell fully into the local music scene. Swagger's up there as one of my favorite albums.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BvIz7CtAHE&list=ALBTKoXRg38BBSJH7tlSLF0Rzty_VlUWf-

I find, even now, I'm a sucker for guitar, and they've got three. (And admittedly, some of those hang-ups are probably family, and a couple are probably political calls, but not all. And family could leave a message as well.)

Ran into a friend

Speaking of the early 2000's, while walking out of my bank after work, someone walked by me and said, "hi."  It took me a minute to realize it was a friend of mine I met in 2000. Ten years after I was doing theatre, I was hanging out with a bunch of artists. I met him at one of those things. Our friendship mostly involved going out to look at art, eating, sometimes taking pictures, etc; we both did photography then. Apparently, neither of us really do now. (We both shot film. I can't afford to upgrade to the equivalent in digital...well, I should say, I'm choosing to spend my money on education and travel and eating rather than buying a $5000 camera.)  I think we might have had an email exchange within the past few years, but I haven't seen him in person in a lot longer. Sometimes we just fall out of one another's life, days turn to months turn to years.  We make excuses, time passes and we come to believe them as truths. Solid. Even if they aren't. It's easier, I suppose. Tell yourself it doesn't matter anymore rather than make an effort to reconnect.

Swear it's the change in the weather. Having a heavy week. Apologies.

Happy things? I love this black slip I bought a couple of months ago, but just started wearing. Sitting here with a big pile of clean laundry; it smells good. Sent my sister a copy of a picture of our cast from the show, she said I looked "radiant." :) It was nice running into the friend. If I wake up early enough, I have good food for breakfast. A fruit fly alerted me to the presence of a melting tomato, could have been so much worse. I do not presently have a headache. I get to trade catering work for music/dance tickets again.  Started working on Christmas music with the Finnish choir last night, relatively painless on my throat. The clouds cleared up enough by sunset that I could see it, as well as the bright moon rising behind the remaining wisps in the eastern sky.

Heavy clouds

Weather is gloomy, I'm feeling a little gloomy. Left the radio on all night and woke up at some point scared, not sure if I had a nightmare or if it was whatever they were talking about or if it were the constant voices outside (which I don't usually hear.) Feeling the lingering remnants of that. Last week it was 93 degrees and yesterday I kept a (light) jacket on all day. Our heater kicked on for the first time in months, blowing dusty air all over. There's a filter, but I don't think it's the right one or in the right place: the house gets dusty, and the filter remains relatively clean. Not sure where else it could go.  At any rate, my head is clogged up, including my ears which is making me feel slow of thought and in that groggy "head-cold" universe. And while I like snow, and winter in general, somehow I am not looking forward to the cold and darkness and the end of summer. I feel that more every year, and I've lived here pretty much my whole life (I spent one winter in Central America where it was dark for 10 to 12 hours of every day. No lingering dusk or dawn. Boom!  The day began.  The day ended.)

Looked up Crock-Pot recipes. When I first got it (a gift from my mother, years ago) I was frustrated by how long it took to cook anything...I come to find out that it was because I kept taking the lid off and losing all the heat. It's probably also better with a heavier glass lid, this one is plastic. Should remember to get freezer bags, too. I always get bored after eating the same thing two days in a row (exception being tacos. Barring food poisoning, I imagine I could happily eat tacos everyday for the rest of my life, for at least one meal.  I think it's the smell of chili powder, or the heating up of the masa dough for freshly made tortillas.)

The heavy clouds are persistent, neither burning off nor moving. It's very still out. Saw a handful of swallows on my walk.  Migrators? And lots of clover; all of it the three-leafed variety, from what I could tell. My eyes aren't currently trained to see it any other way.

Hope in everyday

Oh, I was wondering why my shoe felt weird, I had a penny in my sock (I have no idea.)

I once heard that four-leaf clovers could be found in any patch of clover. And so I looked and I found them pretty regularly. Then I gradually stopped, it's been years since I've found one, perhaps it seemed silly or greedy. I haven't looked since the early 2000's. In the past week or so, I've begun to casually glance again. I don't know what it would mean to find one. Maybe just to flex the naturalist muscles to pick out birds or plants or mammals in the wild.

I'm trying to move away from my magical thinking that makes up meaning where there isn't any; the part of me that waits for passage in a long abandoned train station...if I only believe enough or wait long enough. Hope is in the everyday, the here and now. I have to keep being reminded of that. Before I ever walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain, I had read stories with big, exciting miracles and I thought I wanted that. As I've written elsewhere, I did have a miracle, not big, not exciting, but transformative all the same. It had to do with everyday life, with trust. And trust can be hard, it's hard to let go of control of how I think things should be or what I think I want. Walking back from the mucky Fill today, I was reminded of that. Sometimes what is here is enough.

Long afternoon

Oh, and for the record the stripping in the play was for humor, there wasn't anything particularly provocative about it. We stripped off layers and layers of clothing down to black long-johns and long tank tops. The laughter hit when we got to the fourth layer. It was about a ten minute scene prior to that point too, it was really, really hot, we were always drenched in sweat by the time we exited off stage. It was super warm out that weekend. I hope we get to see the pictures this week. I'm curious.

Another thunderstorm is rolling through, just in time for the Seahawks vs. Forty-Niners game. We've had a lot of thunderstorms this year. Will turn this off. A blast of cool air just came through my window. There is curiously nothing showing up on the weather radar around here. Oh, and now a massive amount of rain, I hope the drain doesn't overflow again, luckily, the wind is blowing from the south, so maybe it won't hit the door so hard this time.

I've started really watching the actors that aren't speaking on stage.  I caught myself paying attention when I saw August, Osage County last spring, the son was sitting on the couch, didn't say anything or interact with anyone, but was very alive, engaged. Ditto last night, it was why I thought the casting was so strong. Okay, thunder is starting up again. Should find something to do that doesn't involve electricity. Attempts at organization and purging.

Oh, thank God! My parents gave me money for groceries (I'd rather not ask, it's my choice to go to school. I would've preferred getting the same raise as everyone else: professional staff/faculty got 4%, we got 2%. While I'm happy for a raise, it's been eight years since I've had one, and it amounts to $16/check. Not remotely keeping up with the cost of living over eight years (for perspective, when I looked at apartments back then, you could get a 500+ sq ft studio for $500-600/month, the studios in my neighborhood are now starting at $950; $32 doesn't really make a dent in the rent difference.) And still less than what I made last December. I don't ask them for help much, I feel like I should be able to support myself. I want to do more in my life, and I'm still paying off all of the throat-related care from last winter.) I'm gonna try to make it last for a month. Challenges are good things, sometimes. I'm hardly the only person struggling to pay tuition. There are no guarantees of anything, but you have to try.  If I wait, I'll only be older next year.

Not sure what's up with my recent interest in football, I just listened to the whole game on the radio, and I enjoyed it.

No degrees of separation

Six-degrees of separation becomes five, then four, then two...soon there will be none. Keep seeing the same people everywhere I go. And friends randomly connected to other friends.

At the market this morning, I was gonna use a card at a place I used one last week, he didn't have a reader so I started to put the produce back. He said I could pay him later, to take what I wanted. He said he appreciated that I regularly bought from him. And then he said to take it as appreciation for shopping there, but I'll probably pay him back anyway. It's funny because I don't even think I've seen him in over a year. Some of the other farmers have given me produce before because I'm a regular. I've been buying most of my food there almost since they started. Sometimes I feel invisible and then someone (usually there) will ask me how I've been, say they hadn't seen me in a while (which is true, my Saturdays have been booked for most of the year.) I find it both reassuring and humbling; they see hundreds of people every week.

I did end up going to Trouble in Mind tonight. Excellent. Might be one of the best shows I've ever seen. Dealt with racism, sexism, ageism, theatre politics (and politics in general), and above all, human dignity and living in truthfulness (and I might add, kindness.) Well-written, really well acted (all around), as relevant today as it was when it was written, riveting, powerful, thought-provoking, and at times, funny. Fantastic.

My headache has returned with a vengeance. I can't figure out what is causing it. Horrible. I'd rather not take anything, but it won't go away.

Saturday

They did have rush tickets so I went to We Won't Pay! We Won't Pay! by Dario Fo, a political farce. I was really tired last night and unfortunately dozed off toward the end (what else is new?) which is unfortunate, there must've been some sorta' resolution. I'll have to read a translation, probably can't get ahold of the translation for this show (it's originally Italian.) I should probably read him anyway. This is over the top, vocally, physically (Adam Standley as State Trooper et al, really stands out, fabulous-especially in the ensemble work with Tracy Michelle Hughes and Kylee Rousellot when they are trying to get his body in the closet-fantastic choreography on that), makes you laugh while driving in nails, of the absurdity and corruption in life. I had looked at the festival listings previously (this was a repertory festival, with all four shows running simultaneously throughout the summer, it closes this weekend) but hadn't had the time nor the money to go earlier. All the shows are thought-provoking: Lysistrata-Aristophnes (a play within a play set in Afghanistan); Trouble in Mind-Alice Childress (race representation in the American Theatre); Stu for Silverton - Peter Duchan/Breedlove (a musical based on the town of Silverton, Oregon, it's transgendered mayor, Stu Rasmussen and the community that stood up for him); and then We Won't Pay! We Won't Pay! (workers losing their jobs from downsizing and the factory closing and trying to live on nothing, while the price of everything increases everyday.) I might try to see if I can get another rush ticket for a show today or tomorrow.

Woke up with another wicked headache, waiting for it to subside a bit. Might be dust or something. I don't know, have had them all week. Maybe I'll clean this weekend as well. Ugh, 600 milligrams of ibuprofen, not making a dent in the headache, though it helped with the wrist pain.

We never did find the right bonfire, we wandered, shuffling across the sand from fire to fire, ending up back where we began, standing outside a building, watching the moon sink lower and lower in the sky until the light reached all the way across the bay. Leaving then, with my bag of marshmallows and chocolate. I'll have to make something with the marshmallows, I've already eaten some of the chocolate (salted almond, dark chocolate.) It was good.

Friday, waiting for the bus that doesn't come

Sometimes I feel the burden of all the pain, the slights, the receiving less than you deserved, the compromises, the dreams deferred forever, the sacrifices, the prejudice, the slaps, the stings of life you felt, pass through me. I wish my feeling them, acknowledging them, would lessen them for you. It only helps me to understand you. At times, when it was too much for you, you heaped them on my head and I crumbled under the weight of them. I lost me. But I understand: I already forgave you.

Stars

Stars and fire win. Songs echo off of hot brick like the last remnants of summer, now past. Your words reach inside; they take prisoners; they hold tight, then unexpectedly, release and ebb into tear-streaked memories. You dream on your feet while we passively watch. Outside in the dark, the lights of silent trains flash through the openings in the trees. The song ends, the doors open and we spill out into the night. We stand and watch as the moonlight stretches across the water, flowing toward us until it finally crashes against the shoreline. I think it's time to leave.

I don't believe we've met.

Aren't we the lucky ones?

Thursday

Not implying that I'm shallow, it's just that I need to get more specific and I tend to lack focus; my thoughts blow around, bouncing off of one surface to the next, rarely settling down. There are advantages, such as big-picture thinking and making connections between seemingly unrelated things, but details are troublesome (and I'm disorganized.) I enjoy the way I see the world, but sometimes would like to be able to focus my thoughts a little more.

Trying to decide whether to go to choir rehearsal (which I should do) or to go with friends to this party on the beach (which I want to do, if I can get home safely.) The latter is something I've wanted to do all summer (bonfire, friends, music, etc.) and it's getting to the end of the season, and it'll be nice out tonight. And it's sorta' like camping: wood smoke, and lots of open sky to look at the stars.

Really should sleep

But I'm all riled up...good discussion, though. I posted the previous post on accident but kept it up anyway. Truth be told, I don't have anything more interesting to say now.

Went to an open house at the theatre school. Sat in on Playwriting and Solo Performance "classes." I want to study with both these people, I'm fired up. But already committed to the other program, hopefully they will teach again in summer or next fall.  They both seem to be what I am looking for in a teacher, they each explained their process. I'm braver than I was, even three months ago, still the idea of both classes scare the pants off of me. What if I can't produce anything? What if I have no depth? What if I suck? What if I don't have a story? What if I have nothing to say? All of those things scare me. Still, we did exercises tonight, I can practice those on my own until I can take a class...it's only myself stopping me, getting in my way. Coincidentally, I was just telling my housemate about living on a mountain in Costa Rica in college and she asked me if I had journaled about that...I don't know, I must've written something, but I don't know where it would be...maybe I'll write it again, I remember enough. It wouldn't be a play, but it would be good for setting a scene, working on story-telling, finding conflict, remembering location and mannerisms. Sometimes I feel I am sitting on the surface; my interest in those two classes is to go deeper; and even if I never produce a play, or a solo performance worth performing publicly, they seem like the next step of finding depth in character.  And it's good to go out of your comfort zone, do something that scares you.

Have no idea why I'm so vibrantly awake right now.  Maybe I should watch something boring, need to get to work on time tomorrow. No caffeine after noon, either. Just really, really awake.

Wednesday

Someone mentioned that it was already uncomfortably hot out for her a little after noon. I went out to find something to eat, it wasn't bad in the shade. I stayed out of the sun because I forgot my sunglasses this morning. It's 84 degrees now.

It's funny, I was in the theatre for seven days straight last week and was excited for the freedom of my evenings, but all I want to do is sleep. And I miss working on the show; being there with everyone, because I love this. I'm back in class within the next week-and-a-half, for the next nine months, I really should relish the time to myself.

I've been trying to get through David Copperfield during this break as well. It's very long. Sometimes he hits exactly what I'm feeling, or have felt, and I'm right there with him, happy for the kindred spirit, albeit, separated by a century-and-a-half.

Cranky

Oh, I guess I never said. The show we did was Almost , Maine by John Cariani. I was in the scene Seeing the Thing, I was Rhonda, Dave was recast as Dana. We had eleven cast members, you can produce it with as few as four, I think. The re-casting made it more interesting, though one of my friends asked me later if my character was originally the male, because Rhonda is the more masculine character. (It's written as a tomboy and a more sensitive man.)

I woke up this morning and the kitchen sink was covered in ants, they are swarming, and then someone had taken all my knives and my wooden spoon, I guess assuming they didn't belong to anyone, so I had to search for them so I could cook something. Irritated, and both of those made me late catching the bus, and consequently a 1/2 hour late for work. (And my knives are really dull, wonder what they are using them for?) Guess I'll skip my lunch break.

It's a beautiful morning, with the fog glowing from the sun, and a view of the mountains where the fog has lifted in the west, and the hills in the west the only thing lit. So quiet. So still. The odd yellowed leaf or acorn drops suddenly, unexpectedly. And I waver between the peaceful feeling that brings and the daily irritations of daily life and wonder which feeling will win out today. The emotions swing...try to remember to breathe.

Bit the bullet and paid the deposit. In it for the duration.

Those spambots or whatever they are, remind me of little, swarming, biting insects in how they hit at the posts.

Monday

Eek! I can't actually sign the dotted line, as it were, until tomorrow, but yeah...gonna be broke this year assuming nothing changes income-wise. Time to get friendly with the slow-cooker.

The sun has finally burned through the fog, can actually justify the dress I wore today.  I need to wash everything else, and it's supposed to be hot out all week, 90 degrees on Wednesday.

Sat out in the sun, helicopters buzzing back and forth across the sky, the sun warming the stone and brick, and dozed off while trying to read a book. Got a little sun on my face, but not much reading done. Should go pick tomatoes after work, I don't feel like it, but maybe I will anyway.

A friend handed me $20 to help pay for a ticket to a show she thinks I would enjoy, We Won't Pay, We Won't Pay, at the Intiman (http://www.intiman.org/.) It closes this weekend. Tickets are $36.50, they don't have discounted, day-of tickets. I wonder how long I can make my groceries last without spending money? Need to really get back in the habit, if I make it a contest with myself, maybe I won't rebel against it so much. I don't actually take well to telling myself what to do:)

One of my friends that saw our show on Friday, just told me she enjoyed it.

I might be wrong about the rush tickets, should verify that.

Over now

My life changed, and tomorrow will be just like any other day: get up early, try to get to work early....I can't believe it's over. I thanked the director for pushing me off of a ledge; between the kissing, the stripping (where the audience laughter hit at the same point every night), and the (attempt) at seduction, it was a nice "hello" to the world of acting, not to mention shattering my comfort zone. And thank you also to the person who said that it was brave. I did need to hear that. It's been a fun summer.

I had a pretty embarrassing clown moment yesterday. I was bringing my big travel bag to the theatre so that I could put in all of my clothes after the show tonight in it. I didn't want to carry it today because I needed to carry two large bouquets of flowers. I thought I had checked it's contents earlier. I felt a side pocket as the bus was getting close to my stop downtown. I couldn't figure out what might be in the pocket, was hoping it wasn't food, so I pulled it out. (I was sitting near the window, a woman was sitting next to me.) Whatever it was, was in a clear plastic bag, like the kind you would use for produce. I still couldn't tell, so I reached into the bag and started to pull at the contents. It turned out to be a pair of underwear. Lord only knows how long those have been there (I can't remember last time I used that bag to go anywhere besides class, and they are not from class, I don't think.) I don't know if the woman sitting next to me saw, but it was on my left side, so between us. I quickly shoved them back into the pocket, and pulled the cord to get off of the bus, since I was at my stop by that point. Geez! I've been carrying those around for a while. It's time to do laundry.

I'll say "good night" with this quote from David Mamet: "We would all like to be part of, to create that theatre which we could participate in with pride, on which we could reflect with pride. To do so one must buy a ticket. The price of admission is choice. Choice to participate in the low, the uncertain, the unproved, the unheralded, to bring the truth of yourself to the stage, not the groomed, sure, "Talented," approved person you are portraying; not the researched, corseted, paint-by-numbers presentation without flaws; not the Great Actor; but yourself, as uncertain, as unprepared, as confused as any of us are."

Believe, jump into your life

I felt like I was better last night, but no one else noticed...I read this about five or six times while we were waiting in the green room (our Step III instructor gave it to us spring quarter, five of us were in that class together.):

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A scene partner I worked with about a-year-and-a-half ago ushered tonight. She said she saw progress in the work I was doing...so thank you for that.

Believe in your work, whatever it is.

Saturday

It's almost 10 am, I should get out of the house, walk over to the farmer's market. It's the first Saturday morning I've had off since July. Went out with a friend after the show and it was late when I got off of the bus. I don't know how it went. I didn't forget my lines. Some people said they thought we did a good job, but someone else said they didn't understand the transition of my character, the softening part at the end. So, I guess I should look at that today. Maybe I'm just a bad actor, none of my friends (that came to see the show) said I did a good job (some of the cast members did, but they watched the whole process, understood the relationship a little better-it needs to come across to people who don't have that info); that could mean that I'm bad, or it could mean that they are not vocal about things, or didn't know what to say. It is a class, I am still learning. Still, I'd really like some constructive criticism, what worked, what didn't...you know concrete, not general blanket statements: "I understood this...why did you choose that...what about trying this..., etc." I'm always looking for that. I had this great photography instructor once that was phenomenal at it...it's a gift, but I think it's something that can be developed. I can do it. Definitely needs it's presence more in the art world where people are baring their souls for public consumption on a daily basis. You can't move forward if you don't know there is a path.

I will honor my own courage for trying though, even if I'm failing.

Last day of vacation

Should it be through or thru?  I just can't remember anymore, I've been using them interchangeably. Oh, spell-check doesn't like the latter, must be slang. I wonder if I can talk my way out of a late fee on the bill? I've never been late before, and it just slipped my mind this week, too much going on. I'm gonna go pay it now, and return the library materials that were due yesterday. I got two emails and a phone call, the email I just read was from the Director, and was more personal. I appreciate that she took the time to write them (individually, to us).  Made me cry, it was sweet. I cried in the audition too...not inappropriately, it was this content-less, scene-partner work. The set-up, given circumstances, were pretty intense; my partner's openness broke my heart.

Almost 2 pm now. Walked there in the rain, walked home as patches of blue in the sky grew by the second. Just kinda' waiting now: waiting for the shower, waiting for it to be time to leave...I think I'll go early, I think we have the room as of 5 pm. I had some thoughts about transitions in the text and I want to see if we can run the lines, see if I can actually get the shift in. I need to slow it down now, in my head, to get the transitions in. Unless someone cancelled, I think I'll have five or six people there tonight. We had one audience member there last night plus the photographer, and I got really nervous, wonder how that'll be tonight? Wonder when we get to see the pictures, or where? I should call about the late fee, the answer is always "no" if you never ask.

Done

Lost internet connection earlier today, now miraculously have it back. Curious. Trying to type before the electrical storm gets closer. When I walked out of the theatre, there were flashes of lightning, very high in the clouds, and the long peal of thunder was 11 seconds later. Then the first, large drops of rain began to fall. By the time I got to a bus stop, it was raining pretty hard. The air was warm. Steam rose from the manhole covers, pushed low to the ground, dissipating quickly in a southerly direction. The clouds flashed a greenish tinge, but there was rarely audible thunder. It must be far away. The rain is tapping on my window now, it had just started to fall here when I got off of the bus, moving northward, I suppose. Still only lightning. I had listened for the thunder, hoping it would drown out the city sounds of busses, and speakers, and planes, and delivery trucks and garbage trucks...but everyday life rumbled on, louder than the heavens.

We ran through 2.5 times (.5 was the first Act, the speed-through.) Our second run went better for my scene. I was confused about the energy of the ending the first time we did it. The whole thing always seems to go so fast, like a speeding train I'm trying to just hold on to....maybe I'm not prepared enough. Maybe that gets easier. I don't know. I felt that way last quarter, too. I think we missed each other most of the time, but in a way, that makes sense if I've never kissed anyone before. (We changed the blocking on that too, we used to sit, and we don't anymore. It didn't really make sense, and it's slowed the pace of the scene down.)  At any rate, it will be what it will be.

I can hear thunder now, should probably turn this off. (Also, we got the phone calls about the scholarship today. I haven't checked my phone yet. Not really expecting to get it, but they said they would call by Friday. Guess it's time to check. I'm fine not getting it.) Nope, not me:) Didn't get the scholarship; forgot to pay a credit bill; turned in the wrong library materials; and am eating (slightly stale) cereal for dinner because I haven't gotten around to actual grocery shopping in at least a month: been a little hectic.

Only one more

Oh thank God! We re-blocked that end section. And he said I did a great job tonight;) Oh, and the entire show is getting a "speed-thru" tomorrow, first thing. Yea.

On another note, just don't understand the intense cruelty and dehumanization we inflict upon each other (as humans.) If we truly loved ourselves, would we still inflict so much suffering on others?

addendum

The thing is, if it were anger or sadness or even just flat-out crazy, I could do it...how sad is it that I haven't allowed myself to go there with unmitigated joy, excitement, or happy passion? Why has there been a lid on that? How do I access it now?

Two days

My sinuses have been just killing me for the past couple of days. Maybe it's the weather, or something new in the house. The real transformation will be if I can change my personality enough to totally let go in two days. Story to follow. Maybe I can find someone to do some clown exercises with me.  Maybe we could do a speed-thru of the scene, remove the beats, I'm getting bogged down in them: the energy starts to build, and then it drops. I am responsible for holding mine up, but in general, too slow feels everyday and this isn't everyday; sometimes it feels non-chalant, and it shouldn't. I'm gonna go for a walk and then dance around like an idiot to find the energy level I need.  It's the easiest way for me to get there. Cheers!

Two days, no where near ready

Well, my main regret, besides being completely devoid of useful thought, is that I missed rehearsal time that we really need, for a show we are not ready for, that opens in two days. It will be all I do tomorrow, but...I don't know. Timing was bad. I don't even know if I got the full monologue out or if I missed half of it (audition.) I know what he's asking for (show), but it's not even that as an actress I can't let go of control, I can't seem to do it at all, except, sometime with music. I'll have to start there, I guess, and work backwards. Crap.

Audition day

It wasn't raining when I left the house to go drop off my rent check. Four-blocks later, large drops fell, eight-blocks later, a full on downpour.  I pulled my hood over my head and zipped my jacket and walked on. The thin branches of the parking strip trees offered spotty shelter; I stood under a larger canopied and therefore more protective tree in a park for a few moments but then went on. My jeans got soaked. By the time I left the real estate office, the rain had stopped.  I guess the rent isn't actually past due until the 5th.

Stopped by a coffee house to finish reading the play again and to make notes as to what I am responding to in the monologue. Have recited it over and over and over again. It's anywhere between 50 seconds to one minute. I think I need to cut more, so I don't go over. Not sure what, it's getting pretty slim, content-wise.  I can't believe it takes a minute to say this.

While walking home, I was practicing saying the words "arctic cat" and making a face and cat claws while I said it, not really paying attention to where I was until I happened to look up and see a man inside a pet grooming shop looking at me oddly. Yes, it was later in the day than I thought, and there were people behind those windows I was passing. I was saying the monologue most of the way, too, so also talking to myself. Oh well.

Onward. It will all be over in less than twelve hours. This time.

Late, spider

Ah, dangit...another spider hanging out near my bed. I want to sleep. Didn't get to the energy level tonight. Take two tomorrow.

Labor Day

Needed to get out of the house and was attempting to go to the beach for a couple of hours, but didn't try hard enough to catch the bus (run fast) and so ended up continuing to walk and stopped by a coffee shop (for coffee) and saw that one of my current favorite Seattle-area artist had work up. http://www.jesselink.com/ I've never met him, but I bought a couple of (really small) paintings of his a couple of years ago (8"x8" and maybe 3"x3".) Most of the ones in the coffee shop are limited edition Giclee prints. The two I have are originals and they both remind me of cave paintings.  I'm glad I scraped up the money for them at the time; I don't think I can afford the originals anymore. Still, that's great for him. I hope he can support himself with it, and again, I love his work. (I might sell books or clothes or something and try to buy a print, they are under $100.)

Not nearly where I need to be with the monologues. (Okay, that really should be singular.) While walking, considered scrapping the audition. I can't do that. I need to get this down, I don't want to waste their time. It's kinda' a strange choice, based on the advice of the monologue book I was looking at. It's conversational, i.e., in the very present tense, as opposed to reverie. I need to really focus on the fact that everything I'm saying is in response to him and today is the day I get him to admit he loves me...and everything he is saying to me is not proof of that love; he's treating me like dirt. (For the record, he might, but sees me as beneath him, and sees sex as base, so he can't admit it, especially to himself.)

And on Saturday evening I was getting close to super excited for the other one, but I haven't able to get back to it either yesterday or today...but since I did get close, there is a way to get there again, I just need to find it again. I was doing it all from the outside in. And this is all very public, everyone is in the room now.  I just have to let it go nutso, I can always bring it in if it's too much. Four days. Maybe nerves will help. Have four hours 'til I have to leave for tech call. Back to work on both.

Sunday morning

I think of acting as being the living expression of the thoughts of someone else's head (the writer.) Of being the means for the character to speak, to come alive. So in that sense, it's not about me or my ego, it's about both the ability to do the work to find the character, to know them fully, and then to let myself go enough so that the character is alive and the actor fades on stage. I'm thinking that's the end point...how to get there, well that's what all the classes and practice are for.  It's hard work.

Today's my last day off for the next week. I need to spend some time writing a history for my monologue character, but I can run errands and do chores while I practice the actual monologue, at least for a while. Moving around and doing other things sometimes helps with clarification of meaning and intent for me.

Went to a show with a college roommate last night in Ballard.  Ballard was hoppin' in spite of it being Bumbershoot http://bumbershoot.org/ and a long weekend. A really good surf band opened. She drove me home so I got home before midnight, so in theory I got enough sleep but I'm sitting here yawning about once per minute. Better get moving, time is running short.